mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Ok, here it goes, I'm devastated, 4 year relationship, with ups and downs, lately mostly downs, she's been my dream girl, we used to have an awesome relationship most of the time, she would understand me, i would do the same, we would be perfect for one another (we both suffered at one point with anxiety and hypochondria), we were planning on getting married and having a baby, then one day, i messed up, i went to a party where i saw my ex wife, was a family party for my son, in the heat of the party my son asked me to take a picture of me and his mom, we did, but she was holding a sign that read "forever love", needless to say, the picture made into social media and well, the rest is history, my girl went into a full panic attack, landed in the hospital, this was on 2015, i tried to explain that it was nothing going on and it was just a picture but still she never believe me, anyways, we went back together 2 months after that. Still a good relationship, but she became clingy, so that made me feel weird and i started drifting a bit form time to time, then this January, hell broke loose, i noticed that she was starting to be a bit cold with me, our fights became a thing of almost daily, I assumed it was because she was getting desperate to get this family going, i was the same, i loved her with all my heart, so i proposed, only to be told... "Not at this time, i need time to heal from what you did to me a few years ago, i have a lot of anger against you and i need time, but i am sure i will be able to forgive you, just give me time and no contact" That sent me into a total state of panic, i couldn't keep the no contact rule and kept messaging her, she would reply and tell me she still loved like always and that she just needed this time. At one point i got desperate, went to see her, and told her i wanted to be done for good, she got upset and reminded me that i had promised to fight for her, so, i said ok, ill continue to fight for us, she hug me and said, i love you, i always will, i always have and that was that, this was March 6, 2 weeks ago. Fast forward to Sunday March 12, i was on Instagram, scrolling to some images tag sunsetcliffs, looking for a hike, when all of the sudden her username comes up as tag on some profile, i click on that profile, only to find at least 5 images form the last 4 weeks of her and this other person, dinner, sunsets, romantic comments, you name it. I went into total shock! took screenshots and messaged her with those saying, Why did you do this? She saw the message but reply after 30 minutes saying, i understand how you feel but its not what you think, so i said well explain, come see me now, and she said she was at a party i couldn't get away, so i waited 3 hours for her to finally talk to me, when she did the first thing she said was, listen first of all i want you to understand i never disrespected you, i said you did when you went out on this dates, she said i know i handled the situation in a bad way, so i said why did you say you love me, she said because i do, why ask me for time to spend with someone else, why tell me to fight for you when you had already starting a new life, she said she was not ready to let go at the time and that she wanted to continue believing on us but that she couldn't hold on to that. I asked if she was going to continue seeing this guy, she said, yes, she told me she was not putting her life on hold for me anymore, so, i feel cheated, betrayed, less of a person, hurt, upset, and the worst part, i cant get the images i saw out of my head and i also can stop thinking of her spending time with this new person, it kills me to think about that but i cant control it. I know its over for good, i just don't know what to do, i landed on the hospital that Sunday with an anxiety attack, please help me, how do i stop thinking about her and her new relationship, how do i stop this hurt that is consuming me from the inside? Why would she do that to me? why not come clean? why not accept it was over when i suggested that a week before i found out? I haven't sleep in at least 2 weeks, at the most, 1 hr everyday, it is affecting me at work badly. Thanks to anyone taking the time to read this. Link to comment
GoodGumbo Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Hello Mr. Mojo. I am very sorry to hear your pain. I hope they gave you some medication in the hospital to help a bit. I find that taking aspirin will help to relieve the actual pain you are feeling. There is nothing you can do but accept this pain. That is all you can do at this point, accept the hurt and feel it. It will get better tho. There are several things you can do to help move on such as keeping a journal of your thoughts - and making a log everyday of how you feel. I actually am making a graph showing where i am on a scale of 1 to 10 everyday. it fluctuates a lot. The good news is that this pain does not last for ever! But today, it will be dark for you and tomorrow too.. Something you can do for temporary relief is smile - even if you are actually streaming tears, hold the smile in place for 45 seconds.... Believe it or not, it relieves anxiety and eases blood pressure! Good luck and post here... I just joined so i can check on your often. Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Thank you GoodGumbo, I've been trying a lot of things, praying for inner peace, online journal, deleted all of her pics, trashed all of her gifts and cards, you name it, i just cant believe someone i trusted for so many years would play me like this, she used to complain about people that did this, about people with no honesty, and she does the same thing at the end, i am devastated, i fee like this was my last shot for true love (I'm 40). Link to comment
GoodGumbo Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Hi, I am over 50 and female so i understand how you feel about it being your last shot but it isn't. I have two friends that are in their early 60s that are in new and beautiful relationships. Just be the best you that you can be and someone will come along. Here is a Ted Talk about infidelity.. https://www.ted.com/playlists/254/talks_to_watch_when_someone_ju Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Thanks so much, going there now, ill take any help i cant, i feel dead inside. This empty pit in my stomach and my heart feels warm and tight. Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 I couldn't help, but to read your story several times. And I am sorry for what has happened to you... She did it the dirty way for sure, and she knew (She was very conscious) that all of that stuff will surface in your face (Part of her plan)... Notice: She was hung up on some picture that your describe... It hit home with her and she was not able to forgive you... At that time, she had no where to go, so she stuck around and played it safe... (classic).. You thought that the coast was clear, but oh how it was not... Problem here is that you 2 did not communicate this very well to each other... She already checked out and began planning her exit strategy, and you were thinking that everything is G2G.... She stuck around (not fair to you) and used you (not fair to you)...She resented you for that picture... And she created a cruel plan...By the time she wanted her space, she was already involved with the other guy, but it was fresh and when something is fresh, it is good to keep the back up around... Like a back up plan... You were that back up plan (not fair to you)... She went forward with this guy full throttle... Did not even care to break up properly? No... Actually she knew exactly what she was doing... She figured that by the time this surfaces up on social media, she will be far down the road with him and it will be an easy break on her... Also, she was hoping you would see all that stuff... "Pay back" for that picture you are talking about... yes.. cruel... very cruel... I know that I beat this drum in a lot of my posts but some of her actions are classic Narcissistic behavior... My story is very similar, actually the actions your ex has taken, my ex did very similar things...My ex tried to keep me as her back up as well... Also, she left and dug up something I thought we were passed... Apparently not... Apparently she never got over it either... How do you move on? Little by little, everyday you pick yourself up and drive on... Accept that it is over... Accept that you cannot change things... Also understand that she did not love you the way you thought she loved you...And she won't love the next person... If she loved you, she wouldn't have done it in such a cruel way.... Also, if you would have known sooner, you would have moved on by now, but she prevented you from moving on (selfish of her)... So now wake up and think... Why are you crying for someone that was so wrong for you and showed you the real them? Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Wow, makes total sense, i know, i keep telling myself, why cry for someone who played me like this? and i try and try to move on, but man, i love her so much that i feel like an idiot, not to mention, my self esteem is at the lowest, i guess i'm in a state of shock, i wish i could just open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you were not compatible and had different life goals. unfortunately you broke up in January about all this and eventually she started dating again. Just go no contact and delete her from social media. Take care of your health. Talk to a therapist to navigate this. January, hell broke loose, i noticed that she was starting to be a bit cold with me, our fights became a thing of almost daily, I assumed it was because she was getting desperate to get this family going. Fast forward to Sunday March 12, at least 5 images form the last 4 weeks of her and this other person, dinner, sunsets, romantic comments, you name it. I asked if she was going to continue seeing this guy, she said, yes, she told me she was not putting her life on hold for me anymore Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Wow, makes total sense, i know, i keep telling myself, why cry for someone who played me like this? and i try and try to move on, but man, i love her so much that i feel like an idiot, not to mention, my self esteem is at the lowest, i guess i'm in a state of shock, i wish i could just open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. Hey I am 43 and I got through a similar situation as you about over 6 months ago... Send me a private message... We can chat more :) You are not the only one... So don't beat yourself up over it... I don't mind... Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 oh man, thanks for the offer, yeah i would love to chat, how do i do that? Link to comment
Mari Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 oh man, thanks for the offer, yeah i would love to chat, how do i do that? I'm sorry about your anxiety attack but overall this is a blessing in disguise. It doesn't take 2 years for her to figure out how to forgive you. And over what wrong? You didn't go out on a date, you didn't kiss, nothing. It's just a picture and you're not the one holding up the "forever love". For her to react this way, go to the hospital, then hang around and leave when it's convenient, it's just horrible. Thank god she didn't do this after marrying her and having a baby. She took one circumstantial picture and justified to herself to cheat on you. And then while she's cheating on you she has the audacity to tell you to fight for her. Fight how? She needs to be in the relationship too, you're already a couple, she can't say no contact and then say fight for me. You're better off without such people in your life. Appreciate that it's just a break up and not a divorce with kids. Please move on and look for someone new. She may come back, if she does please don't do it. This is a fatal character flaw in her. Her new guy might tip a good looking waitress a dollar more and she could break up with him 2 years later over it. Just ridiculous. Link to comment
wgmitch Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 I'm so sorry you are hurting and everyone here knows how you feel right now. I too was devasted and used. It can be crippling. Go no contact and stay that way even if she contacts you. You did not deserve this from her. She does not deserve you. What you are feeling now is very normal. Believe me it doesn't feel like it now but you are better off without her. You will be okay, but it's going to time to heel. You now need to start taking care of you. Eating right, exercising and spending time with family and friends. Do not let your thoughts spiral out of control and know that you will be okay. Keep telling yourself that you will be okay. If you are spiritual, pray. Post as often as possible and you can PM me if you want to chat or just vent. Mitch Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 oh man, thanks for the offer, yeah i would love to chat, how do i do that? Go to the private messages tab... And the rest is simple...It is like sending me an e-mail... Use my Mikey383 on your TO line... Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 I'm sorry about your anxiety attack but overall this is a blessing in disguise. It doesn't take 2 years for her to figure out how to forgive you. And over what wrong? You didn't go out on a date, you didn't kiss, nothing. It's just a picture and you're not the one holding up the "forever love". For her to react this way, go to the hospital, then hang around and leave when it's convenient, it's just horrible. Thank god she didn't do this after marrying her and having a baby. She took one circumstantial picture and justified to herself to cheat on you. And then while she's cheating on you she has the audacity to tell you to fight for her. Fight how? She needs to be in the relationship too, you're already a couple, she can't say no contact and then say fight for me. You're better off without such people in your life. Appreciate that it's just a break up and not a divorce with kids. Please move on and look for someone new. She may come back, if she does please don't do it. This is a fatal character flaw in her. Her new guy might tip a good looking waitress a dollar more and she could break up with him 2 years later over it. Just ridiculous. She knew exactly what she was doing... No excuses... She used the picture and what happened years ago as an excuse... She also used him, while looking for something else...equivalent or better... My ex did the same... What blows, is that she was preventing him from moving on (my ex did the same)...She prevented him, and held on to him as a back up, just so he wouldn't be the one to find someone else before she did... just so she could rub it in his face... My ex did that also... That way she can feel so great... The thing is... It wont last... Link to comment
GoodGumbo Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 She knew exactly what she was doing... No excuses... She used the picture and what happened years ago as an excuse... She also used him, while looking for something else...equivalent or better... My ex did the same... What blows, is that she was preventing him from moving on (my ex did the same)...She prevented him, and held on to him as a back up, just so he wouldn't be the one to find someone else before she did... just so she could rub it in his face... My ex did that also... That way she can feel so great... The thing is... It wont last... Yep, it seems most cheaters try to justify their cheating instead of just owning up to the fact that they wanted to do it, so they did. My husband even tried blaming me - saying that It was my fault cause the night he reconnected with her I had made him go out with me and my friends - if I hadn't have done that, he wouldn't have drank anything and then ended up contacting her! People do what they want! Just about every guy I've had a relationship with cheated on me. And the one common denominator was me so maybe i am at fault - for picking their cheating behinds in the first place! Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 That's what gets me the most, asking me to fight for us while she was asking for time, telling me how much she loved me, saying things like, i know i will forgive you, just not now, i mean, if i didn't find out, what would have happened? This is someone I've known for 6 years, 2 of those we kept in close contact on daily basis while she was in NYC (originally from SD) and i was in SD, then she move to SD to be with me. I just don't understand how someone can do this, she told me she got cheated on before when i meet her, so i assume she knows the pain, why do that to someone you are supposed to love? I don't get it, like i said, i feel like this is a nightmare. Link to comment
Lambert Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 That's what gets me the most, asking me to fight for us while she was asking for time, telling me how much she loved me, saying things like, i know i will forgive you, just not now, i mean, if i didn't find out, what would have happened? This is someone I've known for 6 years, 2 of those we kept in close contact on daily basis while she was in NYC (originally from SD) and i was in SD, then she move to SD to be with me. I just don't understand how someone can do this, she told me she got cheated on before when i meet her, so i assume she knows the pain, why do that to someone you are supposed to love? I don't get it, like i said, i feel like this is a nightmare.selfishness... that's why.... you're definitely gonna be feeling a lot of painful emotions. you just gotta ride it out. you have every right to be bad and put blame where it belongs... on her now do you.... you are better off in the long run. and i mean that. Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 selfishness... that's why.... you're definitely gonna be feeling a lot of painful emotions. you just gotta ride it out. you have every right to be bad and put blame where it belongs... on her now do you.... you are better off in the long run. and i mean that. Thank you, i am trying hard, i am a website developer, so its hard to concentrate on code, my chest feels tight, i keep thinking about her, have anxiety over the whole situation, yet, i know she was not worth it now, but the idiot in me believes that if she was to come back i would take her in a second, that's how much i loved her, i feel like a total idiot for the trust i put in this person, i'm sorry everyone, i know I've been replying to this post like crazy, but I've never been thru anything like this in my life, or at least not at this level. I have anger, frustration, sadness, pain, regret, and i cant believe i am here now, just back in December i was happy with her on my side, her green eyes, long hair, funny ways, silly ideas, big laughs, sigh. This is rock bottom for me. Thanks everyone who's taking the time to reply, i don't feel so much alone now. Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Hey Mrmojo, Really sorry you are going through this. The wonderful people here have got it covered. Just know that you are in the right place and never alone. Don't apologise for putting your thoughts on here.. that's why we frequent the place :) The only direction from rock bottom is UP! Link to comment
Lambert Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 Thank you, i am trying hard, i am a website developer, so its hard to concentrate on code, my chest feels tight, i keep thinking about her, have anxiety over the whole situation, yet, i know she was not worth it now, but the idiot in me believes that if she was to come back i would take her in a second, that's how much i loved her, i feel like a total idiot for the trust i put in this person, i'm sorry everyone, i know I've been replying to this post like crazy, but I've never been thru anything like this in my life, or at least not at this level. I have anger, frustration, sadness, pain, regret, and i cant believe i am here now, just back in December i was happy with her on my side, her green eyes, long hair, funny ways, silly ideas, big laughs, sigh. This is rock bottom for me. Thanks everyone who's taking the time to reply, i don't feel so much alone now.putting up with someone else's bad behavior is not love..... its ego. it's actually quite dangerous and only escalates. you lose more and more of yourself everytime, until you are left with nothing. you must ride out the pain. you will get stronger. you will get through this. you have to take all that energy and focus it back on yourself. you deserve better. Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 That's what gets me the most, asking me to fight for us while she was asking for time, telling me how much she loved me, saying things like, i know i will forgive you, just not now, i mean, if i didn't find out, what would have happened? This is someone I've known for 6 years, 2 of those we kept in close contact on daily basis while she was in NYC (originally from SD) and i was in SD, then she move to SD to be with me. I just don't understand how someone can do this, she told me she got cheated on before when i meet her, so i assume she knows the pain, why do that to someone you are supposed to love? I don't get it, like i said, i feel like this is a nightmare. What she was doing is: "Stalling the situation".... Have you ever heard the quote: "Have your cake and eat it also"? Just as my ex GF, my ex wife did the similar... My ex wife was cheating on me left and right... By the time we got divorced I found out that she cheated on me with a bunch of men... Yet she kept me around... Why? Well, a couple of reasons: 1. Stability and security: With me she had everything she could ever want... (Nice home, new car etc...)..and women are huge about security...It is not easy walking away from that security blanket and that comfortable life.... And she wasn't gonna do that unless she found equivalent or better... 2. Lack of commitment from the lovers... (self explanatory)... Eventually that one guy came around... And next thing you know, we were getting a divorce...Well guess what? That one guy that promised her the heavens gates turned out to be a cheater himself... While he was carefully lying to her and selfishly helping her and divorcing her... He was still married, and also sleeping around with 3 other women...By the time we got divorced, he kicked her to the curb and left her without anything...lol... Next thing: My door bell was ringing and my ex wife wanted to reconcile... She was admitting to all her wrong doing and wanted to work on us... Oh Really!!!???...lol.. I said: "Don't let the door slam you in the ass"... :) My ex GF did the similar... We broke up for 3 months: During this time she tried the world... It wasn't working for her... She was lonely and lost that security blanket... So she came back crying her eyes out... 3 months down the road she was walking away with the same excuses as your GF...And blame shifting on me, the same way as your GF shifted the blame on you... (nothing but an excuse)...Why do that? Takes the guilt off their shoulders...Makes them look like the better person etc.... But, she decided to keep me around as well, as a back up plan in case things did not work out... But I was smart and caught on to that... Within 3 weeks she had a new guy hooked... And tried to shove it in my face also... (not sure why people do that)??? Why shove things in your face??? Why not just go away in peace...??? Bottom line is: She kept you around as a back up plan, in case the other venture fell through... Than she would have her security blanket still around... So she lied and played you... And at the same time she prevented you from moving on and gave you false hope...My ex GF did the same... And you fell for it, as many others also fall stuff like that... It is wrong and selfish... You said that she lived in NYC and moved to SD to be with you... I bet things in NYC were not working so well for her... And you were that cushion that she needed... Maybe it was never love to her... Just a security blanket that she needed for that time being...? Realize this: Her next relationship won't work out... And the next one, and so on.... People that do that, are not happy... Have low self-esteem, need someone vs want someone...etc... What you need to do is also realize that why would you want someone like that in your life? Why do you want her back? So she can come back and torment you more? But does she love you? Or care about you? All she will do is prevent you from growing and moving on... And she will be selfish about it... Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 You are right, i just have this wave of emotions, i know for a fact she will never contact me again, and i am pushing forward, but man, it hurts to the core, i wake up everyday at 4am with anxiety, ive been taking Zzzquil just to be able to sleep, this has been the hardest thing to deal with in my life so far, again, the person that did this to me is not the person i fall in love with, its like someone else took over that body, like another soul, and the previous person died. Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 You are right, i just have this wave of emotions, i know for a fact she will never contact me again, and i am pushing forward, but man, it hurts to the core, i wake up everyday at 4am with anxiety, ive been taking Zzzquil just to be able to sleep, this has been the hardest thing to deal with in my life so far, again, the person that did this to me is not the person i fall in love with, its like someone else took over that body, like another soul, and the previous person died. BTW: I lived in SD for 13 years. I went to SDSU... I was stationed at Miramar... I lived in Point Loma... Maaaaan do I miss San Diego... Way better that Michigan (where I am at now)...ughhh... And my ex wife is actually from Long Beach... I met her through a military friend of my... And when I lived in SD... And I used to go to PB and hang at the ZANZIBAR... I met so many women there...I dated many beautiful women in SD before I got hitched...lol... So, you being 40, you should be cruising down to PB or hanging out at Mission Bay park or even Downtown SD and living it up... SD is women galore brother... So many cool clubs in the Gaslamp... Get out and get over it... Now: back to business: You will feel like this for a while... That is because you fell in love and invested more than she did... To her you were that cushion... But you did not know that... I went through the same similar withdrawals with my ex... Eventually it goes away... At least there in Cali you have the Sun and nice weather... Go on a weekend hike up in the Cleveland National Forest... Or go sit at the Living Room Coffee shop in Point Loma for a few and just enjoy life... I went through hell here in the cold dark days of Michigan winter... And I found stuff to do and kept on going... Now, I am dating and enjoying life... I no longer care about my ex or what my ex wife did... It takes a bit, but it fades... And as many of beautiful women there are in SD, I would be all over that place... Go for a walk or visit some spots at Balboa Park... Go to la Jolla and walk the coves... Dude... There is so much to do in Cali.... Way much more than here... Actually I plan to retire in SD... I miss going to Mt. Laguna and Julian... Get back on a dating site... I did.. And even that took my brain off my ex... My ex GF tried to get a hold of me about 4 weeks ago... And its been about 7 months since she walked out on me for the 2nd time... And I was invested as much as you... So yes it hurts deeper... The stronger the investment the deeper and longer it will hurt... It is only natural... But guess what? I did not pick up that phone... And guess what? She will try again... I know so... But so what... It is not about them... it is about us....:) GO AZTECS Link to comment
mrmojo Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 BTW: I lived in SD for 13 years. I went to SDSU... I was stationed at Miramar... I lived in Point Loma... Maaaaan do I miss San Diego... Way better that Michigan (where I am at now)...ughhh... And my ex wife is actually from Long Beach... I met her through a military friend of my... And when I lived in SD... And I used to go to PB and hang at the ZANZIBAR... I met so many women there...I dated many beautiful women in SD before I got hitched...lol... So, you being 40, you should be cruising down to PB or hanging out at Mission Bay park or even Downtown SD and living it up... SD is women galore brother... So many cool clubs in the Gaslamp... Get out and get over it... I hear you man, the thing is, right now i cant even think of other women, its like my brain cant process all this, to top this off i work in Balboa Park, so the park has a lot of memories for me, she used to hang in my office and we would take long walks in the park, so a lot of places here remind me of her, its just so hard, so so hard. I am grateful for this forum, i can come here and vent with people that are going or were in the same position, my friends are starting to get tired of my depressed mood. So this is like my outlet now, i keep it open on a chrome tab all day. Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I hear you man, the thing is, right now i cant even think of other women, its like my brain cant process all this, to top this off i work in Balboa Park, so the park has a lot of memories for me, she used to hang in my office and we would take long walks in the park, so a lot of places here remind me of her, its just so hard, so so hard. I am grateful for this forum, i can come here and vent with people that are going or were in the same position, my friends are starting to get tired of my depressed mood. So this is like my outlet now, i keep it open on a chrome tab all day. Dude I love that Model Rail Road club that has a layout at Balboa Park... Actually, my son was born at the Balboa Naval Hospital... Go to PB... Hang down in PB on Garnet... I used to hang out with my friends at the ZANZIBAR and I met my old GF there...lol She still lives in SD and we still occasionally communicate... SD has so much to offer... You need to go hang out in other places... By far, you have so much more to do and places to go and chill other than Balboa Park... Trust me... Way much more to do than what I have here in Michigan... And you don't have to think of any other women... Although SD is full of them... And women in Cali are more friendly than women here... Take time off... Just take a huge break.... Right now I am starting to date again... And I am taking baby steps and just being more picky... I got so hurt by my ex GF and the pain has been deep as well...I know how you feel... I know the pain... And I know that it takes a long time to recover... Link to comment
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