Question for the ladies. Honest answers please

[tattoobunnie]

If he goes all the time, and never goes on vacay with you, then I'd be ticked off. But if it's like never, and a great reunion with friends, then wouldn't ever worry about it. But if my husband wanted to go, I would say, "F-off," but that's cuz we have little kids, and they are a lot to handle for even a day, let alone seven days!

[itsallgrand]

If he goes all the time, and never goes on vacay with you, then I'd be ticked off. But if it's like never, and a great reunion with friends, then wouldn't ever worry about it. But if my husband wanted to go, I would say, "F-off," but that's cuz we have little kids, and they are a lot to handle for even a day, let alone seven days!

 

Lol you wouldn't trade it for a week for yourself on a trip? Don't need to answer, you just made me laugh with that.

[boltnrun]

Mandee, is this the same guy who refused to add you on his Facebook? I thought you broke up with him months ago. When did you get back together?

[Seymore]

If I was in a committed relationship and my girl wanted to go to Vegas with her friends I'd be ok with it, especially if I trusted her.

 

The only thing that would deter me is what Hollywood dictates it is which is baloney I'm sure. A coworker of mine goes to Vegas yearly and has been married for 30+ years and she goes to the casino and shows. Nothing shady.

[catfeeder]

If ur in a committed relationship , would you be ok with your boyfriend going to Las Vegas for a week with a large group. No not a Bachelor party... But a regular vacation. I never trusted big guys trips but Las Vegas is just asking for trouble in my opinion. I know u all will bring up the question of trust. But Las Vegas in my opinion brings out the worst in good guys too. So would this be a deal breaker for you? Would u let them go or just break up? Am I overreacting if I break up with my partner over this.

 

I'd only be in a committed relationship with someone I respect as an adult who doesn't require my permission to do anything. I'm not in the business of parenting a lover.

 

I'd only be in a committed relationship with someone who has already earned my trust. If your guy doesn't behave in ways that have earned your trust, then what are you doing with him?

 

Head high.

[milly007]

I'm not sure why you're with this guy, OP?

 

It doesn't sound like he makes you feel valued/secure in your relationship. I can't imagine not feeling comfortable, secure, or valued while in a committed relationship. And, to top it off, you don't trust him.

 

It's one thing if you have your own insecurities to work on, which we can't blame your boyfriend for. However, the fact that he's gawking/leering/glaring/ogling (however you want to frame it) and commenting on other women in front of you when it makes you uncomfortable, makes me wonder why you're with him. Have you talked to him about this?

 

Like others have mentioned, it's one thing to look, but your guy seems to be taking it to a whole other level.

 

I realize there are other aspects of the relationship which apparently give you reason not to trust your SO, but all the more reason why I have to wonder why you're with him.

 

I agree with the other posters who believe there's more to this than you not liking the idea of him travelling to Vegas. Vegas and its temptations aren't the issues here, it's the lack of trust towards your boyfriend.

[Batya33]

I'd only be in a committed relationship with someone I respect as an adult who doesn't require my permission to do anything. I'm not in the business of parenting a lover.

 

I'd only be in a committed relationship with someone who has already earned my trust. If your guy doesn't behave in ways that have earned your trust, then what are you doing with him?

 

Head high.

This. And are you ok never going on vacation by yourself to a place where there might be single people around and alcohol is served? Because your partner is too worried you’ll act on temptation ?

[mandeelove]

This. And are you ok never going on vacation by yourself to a place where there might be single people around and alcohol is served? Because your partner is too worried you’ll act on temptation ?

Yes I see your point. I act in trustworthy ways so anyone would know where they stand with me. I know how to be relationship oriented. Any partner Im dating feels secure so unless they are insecure personally, a trip would never pose a threat. Also with this partner I havent traveled yet solo. We went on one trip together and that was it. My partner hasnt done much to earn my trust so thats where my reaction over Vegas comes in. Im not 100 percent sure he would behave there. Because right in front of me he hardly behaves. (With the gawking over pretty ladies).

 

What am I still doing with him? Thats the part I have to work on. I have strong feelings for him. Im also always holding out for change on his end. I saw some changes. Then I didnt. It goes back and forth. He has never cheated on me though. But this inconsistent, unsettling, gawking over women, is a tone in our relationship. Also the phone thing and secretive type of stuff....

[Batya33]

Yes I see your point. I act in trustworthy ways so anyone would know where they stand with me. I know how to be relationship oriented. Any partner Im dating feels secure so unless they are insecure personally, a trip would never pose a threat. Also with this partner I havent traveled yet solo. We went on one trip together and that was it. My partner hasnt done much to earn my trust so thats where my reaction over Vegas comes in. Im not 100 percent sure he would behave there. Because right in front of me he hardly behaves. (With the gawking over pretty ladies).

 

What am I still doing with him? Thats the part I have to work on. I have strong feelings for him. Im also always holding out for change on his end. I saw some changes. Then I didnt. It goes back and forth. He has never cheated on me though. But this inconsistent, unsettling, gawking over women, is a tone in our relationship. Also the phone thing and secretive type of stuff....

 

I don't relate to your mindset. Why does someone have to "earn" your trust? Obviously you get to know someone and you open up, take risks etc as it seems to make sense but "earn" - do you start out distrusting? Is he guilty until proven innocent? Seems kinda cynical. If you want a potentially serious relationship and you are "relationship-oriented" then you wouldn't stay with someone just because you have strong feelings - you would also require compatibility. His values aren't compatible with yours- he thinks it's ok to ack on his finding another woman cute/attractive by gawking. That kind of behavior would turn my stomach. If he has promised to change -because he wants to for himself - and then he hasn't followed through how many more "chances" are you going to give him and how much longer are you going to wait?

 

I think you're waiting because you're hanging on to the "but I love him" and you're afraid to be alone. The opposite of being "relationship-oriented".

[katrina1980]

I don't relate to your mindset. Why does someone have to "earn" your trust? Obviously you get to know someone and you open up, take risks etc as it seems to make sense but "earn" - do you start out distrusting? Is he guilty until proven innocent? Seems kinda cynical. If you want a potentially serious relationship and you are "relationship-oriented" then you wouldn't stay with someone just because you have strong feelings - you would also require compatibility. His values aren't compatible with yours- he thinks it's ok to ack on his finding another woman cute/attractive by gawking. That kind of behavior would turn my stomach. If he has promised to change -because he wants to for himself - and then he hasn't followed through how many more "chances" are you going to give him and how much longer are you going to wait?

 

I think you're waiting because you're hanging on to the "but I love him" and you're afraid to be alone. The opposite of being "relationship-oriented".

 

Spot on! All of it but especially last paragraph.

 

To add though, when you or any woman continues to date a man she doesn't trust, your "trust issues" *toward all men* will develop or increase (subconsciously), which you will take with you into all your subsequent relationships.

 

Never trusting any man until they "earn" it which I personally believe is unfair and detrimental.

 

I can't even count the number of posts I've read from women with "trust issues" who struggle in their relationships with men who have given them no reason to distrust them!

 

Come to find their previous boyfriend(s) were shady, shifty and otherwise behaved in ways that were disrespectful and who fostered distrust.

 

But because they (the women) chose to stick around, it caused wounds and scars (i.e. trust issues) that poisoned all their subsequent relationships.

[Jibralta]

But this inconsistent, unsettling, gawking over women, is a tone in our relationship. Also the phone thing and secretive type of stuff....

 

Maybe he isn't trustworthy. Do you want to spend your entire life keeping after him, making sure he's staying in line? Because that's your future if you stay with him. If he's not trustworthy, he's not going to change. He'll only change enough for you to let your guard down, then he'll resume all of his old bad habits until you start to get wise again.

[katrina1980]

Spot on! All of it but especially last paragraph.

 

To add though, when you or any woman continues to date a man she doesn't trust, your "trust issues" *toward all men* will develop or increase (subconsciously), which you will take with you into all your subsequent relationships.

 

Never trusting any man until they "earn" it which I personally believe is unfair and detrimental.

 

I can't even count the number of posts I've read from women with "trust issues" who struggle in their relationships with men who have given them no reason to distrust them!

 

Come to find their previous boyfriend(s) were shady, shifty and otherwise behaved in ways that were disrespectful and who fostered distrust.

 

But because they (the women) chose to stick around, it caused wounds and scars (i.e. trust issues) that poisoned all their subsequent relationships.

 

To add (too late to edit), your BF's behavior is very disrespectful and untrustworthy.

 

And very hurtful. You acknowledge this.

 

Relationships are supposed to feel good, not cause anxiety and confusion.

 

If you choose to stay, you are only hurting yourself in the long term. That's on you, not him.

 

Staying in such a hurtful (and dysfunctional) situation like this, will cause a wound(s) within you (trust issues) that will be very difficult to heal, and as I said will "poison" all your subsequent relationships, in one way or another.

[mandeelove]

I don't relate to your mindset. Why does someone have to "earn" your trust? Obviously you get to know someone and you open up, take risks etc as it seems to make sense but "earn" - do you start out distrusting? Is he guilty until proven innocent? Seems kinda cynical. If you want a potentially serious relationship and you are "relationship-oriented" then you wouldn't stay with someone just because you have strong feelings - you would also require compatibility. His values aren't compatible with yours- he thinks it's ok to ack on his finding another woman cute/attractive by gawking. That kind of behavior would turn my stomach. If he has promised to change -because he wants to for himself - and then he hasn't followed through how many more "chances" are you going to give him and how much longer are you going to wait?

 

I think you're waiting because you're hanging on to the "but I love him" and you're afraid to be alone. The opposite of being "relationship-oriented".

Yes I've been burned too many times to name by past relationships which made me wary. I will admit to that. It has caused me to distrust pretty good guys in my past. I admit to that too. But it's the few times that I trusted 100 percent in people where they ripped me up and spit me out the most. Those times where I was calm, fully trusted, didn't care where a guy went on vacation or boy's night, is when I got burned. I had an ex bf a long time ago who was so perfect as a boyfriend and he was the one who wound up cheating with no reason at all. We had a healthy , happy relationship prior to. So that's made me be very wary. I recognize that in myself.

 

However this example is not so much that. Some things haven't added up and I don't feel 100 percent secure in the relationship. He is inconsistant so my guard is always up. If he was 100 percent great, I'd never push my past wounds on him. In the beginning he was actually very trustworthy (or so I thought). I gave him full trust. Then over time these true colors came out so I started doubting him.

 

Just to sum this up, I do think people should earn someone's trust. Over time their words match their actions and you trust more and more. Everything is easy. It gives you a good feeling. They show up for you in times of need. You go out and their eyes are on you. Etc... Trust is over time. I can't see meeting someone and giving full trust. But I do agree with you. You also can't meet someone and start accusing them of things they didn't do . I don't really let my past affect me but I do wait and see over time if they are trustworthy.

[mandeelove]

To add why I am staying with him. He always promises to change it and he does. For a period of time things will be great. But somehow he goes back to whatever it is. Also he tells me he has his own issues of why he acts the way he does. He tells me he wants to go to therapy etc. So thats where hes at right now. Hes starting to see he does have problems to figure out relationship wise. When I see this I do get hopes because hes not the type to admit he has probblems. Lately he admits he does. I do have feelings and I want to stay supportive. But everyone is right. If no changes are actually made it will only hurt me in the long run. Plus not trusting and inconsistent behavior will be bad for both of us. Example is this Vegas thing. If I control him he will be resentful. And if he goes, I will be unsettled while hes there. Noone wins.

[boltnrun]

What's stopping him from starting therapy?

 

And what is this condition or disorder that causes a man to make inappropriate comments about other women?

[Jibralta]

To add why I am staying with him. He always promises to change it and he does. For a period of time things will be great. But somehow he goes back to whatever it is.

 

That's what I just said!

 

Maybe he isn't trustworthy. Do you want to spend your entire life keeping after him, making sure he's staying in line? Because that's your future if you stay with him. If he's not trustworthy, he's not going to change. He'll only change enough for you to let your guard down, then he'll resume all of his old bad habits until you start to get wise again.

 

Is this the merry-go-round you want to be on?

[figureitout23]

Wow y'all seem to be pretty stuck on Mandes verbiage while ignoring the dudes shady behavior. Doesnt allow her on FB, hides phone, goes on trips without her. I agree with the poster who said if this was a healthy relationship you probably wouldn't care about the trip, if you still did, THEN would be the time to psychoanalyze and see if you're attracting these types of guys. Get out Mande, then evaluate whether or not you're gravitating towards these types of men. I know plenty of women who latch onto cheaters and become obsessed with reigning him in. I always wonder, is she attracted to the drama or is she trying not to lose. I don't believe a partner can 'make' anyone cheat or act untrustworthy. We're all responsible for our own actions, and you're responsible to act on what you're being presented with. You can only control you.

 

Good luck.

[Prettygirlhurt]

I would say for myself, I need a lot of extra love and attention during the time leading up to the trip in order to hold me over and I not go crazy over what might be happening. At the same time, I would plan a trip for myself with my friends or something else without him because it's good for me and because it's healthy to do things separately. Find you someone that understands this, or tell him all the reasons why it's so important to you, and if he understands it or tries to figure out a way to make it okay with you, then he cares. If he disregards your feelings completely and opts to go without trying to help solve anything, then the trip is more important and you should let the relationship go anyway.

[mandeelove]

I would say for myself, I need a lot of extra love and attention during the time leading up to the trip in order to hold me over and I not go crazy over what might be happening. At the same time, I would plan a trip for myself with my friends or something else without him because it's good for me and because it's healthy to do things separately. Find you someone that understands this, or tell him all the reasons why it's so important to you, and if he understands it or tries to figure out a way to make it okay with you, then he cares. If he disregards your feelings completely and opts to go without trying to help solve anything, then the trip is more important and you should let the relationship go anyway.

Thank you. That is great advice. I did voice my concerns and what I need prior to this trip. He shrugged it off and didnt hear me out. Did not care to change his ways which make me insecure in general. Thats why I feel no trust with him going. So I notice he is choosing this trip above my feelings. Like you said, Id be going nuts while hes there without the proper changes before the trip. No love or validation. So Im seeing now if its worth sticking it out and driving myself crazy over someone who doesnt care.