I feel overwhelmed by my boyfriend

[RizzleR]

I have the most ideal boyfriend. He cooks me dinner, he’s the first person to be there for me when I need it, but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. He constantly tells me that he loves me and misses me. He’s starting to say it so much that when I say it back, it’s feeling like a reaction and less like I truly have as much meaning behind it. The more and more he says it, it just feels like I owe him that response and I’m starting to feel guilty for not being the first to say it. It’s become exhausting. He’s been working on giving me space but when I think about breaking up with him, I feel so sad bc I know he’d be torn apart but when I think about the what if he broke up with me, I feel relieved. Idk how much I should read into that. I’m just concerned about whether or not I’m ready to commit to forever bc that’s how I view boyfriends (potential husbands in the long run). I guess I just want other people’s opinions bc I’ve exhausted too much emotion and thought over it.

[mustlovedogs]

Have you told him you can’t continue like this?

[RizzleR]

I’ve told him that it’s overwhelming for me and my personality just isn’t as receptive as others might be to being told they are loved so much constantly. He said he would give me space, and we’re only about a few days in but he still constantly texts good morning love and always says goodnight love, and will text me throughout the day (just not “I love you”) I know he’s trying so I’ll give it more time, but idk how much time is enough time.

[mustlovedogs]

You want total radio silence for a few days?? That is a LOT different from asking him to cut down all the loving language

[cherubrock]

That sounds smothering...he may not mean to bother you but it still feels overwhelming. He may have insecurity issues and that's why he has to keep reassuring you. How long have you been dating? Maybe stop responding to his texts as much...

[RizzleR]

I asked for radio silence only for a few days but he didn’t agree to it at all, so now it’s less loving language. I honestly don’t know if radio silence would help or not which is why I was fine with still talking. I guess I’m just hoping the overwhelming feeling will subside.

[RizzleR]

We’ve been dating for a year and a half.

[Hollyj]

Do not ever stay with someone out of pity or guilt. Are you going to remain with him for the rest of your life because you are afraid of breaking up with a needy, smothering individual? What about your needs? Are you in love?

 

You are not doing him any favors.

[mustlovedogs]

I asked for radio silence only for a few days but he didn’t agree to it at all, so now it’s less loving language. I honestly don’t know if radio silence would help or not which is why I was fine with still talking. I guess I’m just hoping the overwhelming feeling will subside.

 

Asking for radio silence is unfair. And I also think it’s a sign anyway.

[RizzleR]

Asking for radio silence is unfair. And I also think it’s a sign anyway.

 

I agree, which is why I wasn’t too keen on it. I just threw it out there as an option but we didn’t really consider it.

[RizzleR]

Do not ever stay with someone out of pity or guilt. Are you going to remain with him for the rest of your life because you are afraid of breaking up with a needy, smothering individual? What about your needs? Are you in love?

 

You are not doing him any favors.

 

This is something I’ve considered, but being that we’ve never had issues before or had to discuss an issue, I want to at least be able to give a fair shot at working on it and see where that goes. I guess I’m just not sure how long I should let it go before realizing it’s not working.

[Hollyj]

Have you considered couples counseling?

[RizzleR]

We did talk about it. But I’m not sure I’m in a position financially to do it. One of the reasons I googled and found this forum.

[1a1a]

Speaking as the partner who wants more connection not less, every time a boyfriend has inserted more space into a relationship like you are, the end has been close by.

 

You’re a cat, he’s a sloth, let him go free to find another sloth don’t keep him stuck in a relationship where his needs won’t be met.

[cherubrock]

You don't ask for radio silence...

 

You just start answering less...set the example.

[milly007]

Have you always felt overwhelmed by your boyfriend, OP? Or is this more recent?

[RizzleR]

Have you always felt overwhelmed by your boyfriend, OP? Or is this more recent?

 

It’s definitely been more recent. Maybe this piece of info is connected to it. I had moved across the country and he was one of the first few people to invite me into a friend group. We started dating only a couple months after I moved here. I didn’t know ANYONE before so I thought it was great. I know that I don’t want to stay in this city and will probably leave in a couple years. He’s the first one to say he’ll quit his job if my career went elsewhere but if it were a reverse situation, idk if I’d make the move for him. His commitment to me feels like too much and maybe it’s making him less attractive? A part of me feels like maybe I’m also associating him with a city that I’m not too fond of and already see myself leaving so I’m thinking ahead?

[milly007]

It’s definitely been more recent. Maybe this piece of info is connected to it. I had moved across the country and he was one of the first few people to invite me into a friend group. We started dating only a couple months after I moved here. I didn’t know ANYONE before so I thought it was great. I know that I don’t want to stay in this city and will probably leave in a couple years. He’s the first one to say he’ll quit his job if my career went elsewhere but if it were a reverse situation, idk if I’d make the move for him. His commitment to me feels like too much and maybe it’s making him less attractive? A part of me feels like maybe I’m also associating him with a city that I’m not too fond of and already see myself leaving so I’m thinking ahead?

 

When you think about him, does it make you happy?

 

Overall, you should look forward to spending time with him, and enjoy your time together.

 

The fact that you were wanting radio silence and that you feel relieved at the thought of him breaking up with you says a lot.

[DanZee]

Your boyfriend is being clingy and needy, and it's a way to control and manipulate you which is why you're writing in here. You can feel it. You pointed out yourself that you would feel guilty in breaking up with him. What he's doing is designed to keep you trapped. He even told you he would quit his job and follow you if you were to move away. It's a bit creepy. Also, I don't think it's love. It's more of an emotional dependency. I don't think it's by accident that he picked a girl who was new to town and who didn't know anybody. And he even picked out the friends you would make.

 

I think it's time to distance yourself from this guy. Let him find someone else to smother. But also be careful, because these kinds of guys have difficulty in letting someone go.

[thorough]

When you think about him, does it make you happy?

 

Overall, you should look forward to spending time with him, and enjoy your time together.

 

The fact that you were wanting radio silence and that you feel relieved at the thought of him breaking up with you says a lot.

 

This answer stood out to cause I've experienced this situation from both sides. I dated a guy long distance and I put up w/a lot of crappy communication from him, when I confronted him he was totally ok going days w/out messaging each other to give him space, he ended up dumping me. There was another guy I was seeing briefly and he drove me up the wall! He was sooo clingy and possessive, I dreaded our time together more and more. If you cannot stand him, you need to let him go. Love isn't the same as manipulation or smothering.

[MissCanuck]

You can't really ask for radio silence in a relationship, OP.

 

I think that alone says a lot - you don't want to be with him anymore

[katrina1980]

>>but when I think about what if he broke up with me, I feel relieved.

 

This pretty much says it all, don't you think?

 

Let him go so he find a woman who loves him and who won't feel "relief" if he broke up with her.

 

I get you would feel guilty, but you're hurting him more by staying given how you feel (or don't feel).

[Keyman]

How is he the ideal boyfriend exactly if you are feeling smothered, and would feel relieved to be away from him?

[JCSK]

We’ve been dating for a year and a half.

 

This is quite a while for you to suddenly start realising he says I love you too much. I think that probably your feelings for this guy have diminished and because of this his clingy behaviour is starting to really grate on you and in turn, he's sensing this and saying it more. It's only been a year and a half and you have all these negative feelings already. I think you know what you need to do and just need a few people to give you the strength to really see it. Ending relationships is a horrible business but the sooner it's done the better. Let him go and and allow yourself the freedom you need. Not wanting someone to be hurt should not be the only reason not to want to end a relationship and he will get over it in time. Good luck!

[JCSK]

Your boyfriend is being clingy and needy, and it's a way to control and manipulate you which is why you're writing in here. You can feel it. You pointed out yourself that you would feel guilty in breaking up with him. What he's doing is designed to keep you trapped. He even told you he would quit his job and follow you if you were to move away. It's a bit creepy. Also, I don't think it's love. It's more of an emotional dependency. I don't think it's by accident that he picked a girl who was new to town and who didn't know anybody. And he even picked out the friends you would make.

 

I think it's time to distance yourself from this guy. Let him find someone else to smother. But also be careful, because these kinds of guys have difficulty in letting someone go.

 

I had an ex like this when I was younger. When I eventually left him he said that he was so upset he was going to drive off a cliff. As far as I know he is still alive and well.