My long term boyfriend just ended things

[Jem123]

Even if not many people respond to this, I think I'll feel a little better after typing it out, as I have no one to talk to at the moment.

 

I was with my boyfriend since I was 17, and he's ended things (literally half an hour ago) now that I'm 21. I knew this was coming as he had sent messages stating that he's unhappy and doesn't see a future with us, but I'm still completely heartbroken.

 

He's also done the same thing twice in the past - the first time was 2015, we were split up for a month before he realised he made a mistake, and the second time in 2016 he did the exact same thing, except it only lasted a week. I took him back both times because I love him and I believed he was sorry, and when he isn't acting like that he is a really loving boyfriend and we've spend a lot of enjoyable time together. Since it didn't happen at all in 2017, I was really happy and thought it was just a phase that had passed. We took a trip to London together and spent so much time together and I felt really happy, so I can't understand why he says he doesn't feel the same way.

 

Now that this has happened for a third time, I actually think this feels the worst of the three because I think it may be for good since it's for the same reason as the other times, making me think he must have always felt like this. What's confusing is that he says he loves me, enjoys being with me, still wants me in his life and cares about me, but it's not enough since he doesn't see a future, but he apparently can't explain why he doesn't. I don't understand how you could feel these things for a person but not want to be with them, espeically when I have always been loyal, honest and loving towards him

 

I, on the other hand, have always been able to see a future with him, and I don't want to be with anyone but him. That's why this hurts so much. Every single time he's done this, especially this time, it's just felt so utterly wrong. I even said that to him tonight and he just said 'I know'. Nothing about what he's said has made sense, how can you love someone, want them in your life and enjoy speding time with them but not want to be with them? That just makes no sense to me.

 

So overall, tonight I didn't get much out of him apart from the fact that he doesn't see a future but can't explain why, and he feels like we haven't progressed. But how can we have progressed when we've both been stuck at university for the past three years? That's another thing, we both finish university and come back home in a few months, and knowing I'd have him there bein with me was the only thing comforting me, so that's also getting me down since my friends still all have a year left at uni and I'm probably going to be quite alone.

 

After talking, we just sat in silence for a bit while I cried, he gave me multiple hugs, held my hand and said he was sorry and he was actually looking at me with love in his eyes, which is another reason why it felt wrong because it just seemed like he didn't want to do it. Even though it probably only lasted about 35 minutes before he let himself out, the whole experience broke my heart because I still felt such a strong connection and it felt like he did too. He offered to come and see me next week, but why would he want to do that if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? I would love to still have him in my life, but only as a boyfriend, so seeing him probably isn't a good idea. I just don't understand why this has happened, I'm so completely heartbroken and I've been crying non stop since. I've never felt this down before in my life.

[limichelle]

Awww op I'm sorry for your pain!

 

I think you are right in not seeing him. You need to go no contact and by doing that is blocking him on everything and no longer talking to him, heck even get rid of photos. If he asks why you can't see him anymore simply tell him you need to move on and the only way to do that is by letting him go. He can't expect you to be his buddy after doing this to you multiple times.

 

You also know you can't be his buddy either with feelings it won't work.

 

Hang in there it will take time to heal but you will.

 

Lisa

[DanZee]

Well, it's a strange story that he has done this every couple of years. Has he done this right before graduating, say going into his A-Levels or Sixth Form and now that he's graduating university? Does he suffer from depression, autism or Asperger's? Just looking for a commonality. Maybe he's worried this time about where he's going to find a job and what he's going to do. It's also possible that he just likes you as a friend. Some people don't realize that love changes when you move from the "honeymoon" period into a longer term relationship. I don't know. You're going to have to think about what he has been saying and doing in the relationship as a clue to how he feels. But I will say that that very few romances at 17 last into adulthood.

[Jem123]

He has suffered from depression before but it’s something that he doesn’t like to talk about. In fact, he very rarely will talk about his feelings, which is why I think this has happened a lot before as he won’t talk about issues or feelings he has. We were together when we were in college, but he never broke up with me then, he’s done it in both first, second and third years of university. I can’t really imagine he would see me as more of a friend as we were never friends before the relationship and I feel more of a connection than that. When we split up the first time we tried the whole friend thing and just ended up liking each other again. I feel like because of that I have hope that he’ll change his mind and we can work things out, but I can see why people may be like “no!” as it does kind of make me look like a pushover, but when you love someone it makes you very blind and crazy. However, I also feel like o shouldn’t get my hopes up if they’ll end up being crushed.

[chitown9]

Sounds like he could be a commitment phobe to me. Check this possibility out.

"Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter is a book I recommend to you. I think that you will identify with it. chi

[MissCanuck]

I don't think he's a commitment phobe.

 

I think he's a young guy who wants to explore but hasn't had the stones or maturity to end it definitively with the girlfriend he no longer truly wants to be with - until now.

 

I'm sorry OP, I know it's hard. But if this is the third time, it also needs to be the last time.

[chitown9]

I don't think he's a commitment phobe.

 

 

 

I'm sorry OP, I know it's hard. But if this is the third time, it also needs to be the last time.

 

Yes, I agree with this. Enough is enough already.:eek:chi

[Lost 73]

Gonna say this it might hurt but the truth.

 

It don't matter why, I just matters that it happened that it is over. Everyone wants that closure of why so they can move on. But to be honest that is just something to hold onto longer. Focus on yourself very young enjoy your youth you only have it once. 3 times like baseball your out. he did this its a pattern time to focus on you now.

[Liraele]

It sounds like you probably had an OK relationship, but he wasn't feeling it for whatever reason. He's gone back and forth about it because the familiar is comfortable...change and all that is uncomfortable. If he says he doesn't see a future together - believe him. Breaking up 3 times is 2x too many. You deserve better, and I'm sure there's someone out there who will be sure of you, your relationship, and you won't have these up/down breakups and lukewarm responses.