Need help talking to my wife about her weight

[thealchemist]

If you have a bypass but don't change your habits you will just stretch your stomach back out and be at a much greater risk for a tear.

 

It isn't a fix. It just is a bit of a help.

 

Also the drastic weight loss can be very bad for you too.

 

First thing is to evaluate the psychological element that causes it. Unless you do that there isn't much of a point.

[Batya33]

I am surprised she never tried to lose weight. I would think after being under a doctor's care for the pregnancies that they would have urged her to lose weight and/or eat healthfully. Did she ever exercise or at least move around more? Can you take walks with her? Even that would be a great start in addition to all the other great suggestions.

 

I know you are doing your very best to be receptive and I know it must be hard.

[boltnrun]

A doctor can recommend you lose weight, but you can also choose to ignore that advice.

 

The coworker I mentioned was told by her doctor that she is obese. She told me, well, duh!! But what has she done about it? Not a thing. She continues to eat wings, pizza, queso dip with chips, all you can eat sushi...she has not changed a thing. It's "too hard" to lose weight so she continues to have problems with her feet, knees, back and digestive system. It's easier for her to just keep eating. Of course she complains about all of her health issues but still refuses to do anything about them.

 

If someone had the answer there would be no obese people. But unfortunately, I see all too often people continuing to do things that are bad for them because changing is "too hard".

[Batya33]

A doctor can recommend you lose weight, but you can also choose to ignore that advice.

 

The coworker I mentioned was told by her doctor that she is obese. She told me, well, duh!! But what has she done about it? Not a thing. She continues to eat wings, pizza, queso dip with chips, all you can eat sushi...she has not changed a thing. It's "too hard" to lose weight so she continues to have problems with her feet, knees, back and digestive system. It's easier for her to just keep eating. Of course she complains about all of her health issues but still refuses to do anything about them.

 

If someone had the answer there would be no obese people. But unfortunately, I see all too often people continuing to do things that are bad for them because changing is "too hard".

 

Yes and it can't hurt for outsiders, especially medical professionals who see you several times or many times during a pregnancy, to counsel on the dangers of obesity, especially for pregnant and new moms.

[reinventmyself]

I'm a huge "My 600-lb. life" fan. Have you ever watched it? Dr. Nowzaradan (who, incidentally, has written to me on a dating site.....aaack!!!....I digress)....

 

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Seriously?!

[reinventmyself]

I agree with a lot of what others said.

 

One mention about weight loss surgery, usually you have to lose some weight and make drastic changes before they will even consider it. Post surgery it’s a veeeery strict diet and plan to follow as your body can now physically only handle so much. You need to be very very committed. If you can’t show you’re going to be able to make changes and stick to them, I don’t think you’ll qualify. Ie same as with organ transplants...if you need a liver transplant but can’t stop drinking, I don’t think you qualify (not 100% on this so apologies if I’m wrong).

 

Those surgeries are also haaaard on the body! I have seen it work for a few people, but many have lots of ongoing issues post.

 

But yes a frank discussion is much needed

 

There are studies and articles all about this. She is much like an addict and is eating to self soothe. Unless you address the emotional component it's almost pointless to do the surgery. (but they do anyway) Studies also show a high incidence of over eaters, post surgery turning to alcohol as a new vice. Depending on which surgery the alcohol gets to your liver quicker, by passing portions of the stomach and stomach acids to break it down and there is a higher number of bypass patients dying of liver disease. I have a high school friend who died of the very same thing.

 

My point is. . her eating is a symptom of the something larger. Figure out what is causing her to eat and handle it from that angle.

[Jibralta]

It's tough to admit and I feel ashamed.

 

Ironically, this is a codependent (enabling) thought. I'm not saying you're wrong for being compassionate or supportive. Your compassion and support are wonderful and are doubtless very important to her and the rest of your family. What I am saying it that you are not responsible for her. She did this to herself.

 

Have you ever read the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It's a very good book that deals with the issues of addiction and enabling.

[1a1a]

seconding therapy/ is she happy? Does she feel socially connected?

[glitterfingers]

I started writing a defensive reply about the enabling, but you're all right, I am enabling her. I'm the one closest to her, who basically provides for her now, and it's not normal to get so heavy in only 10-11 years. It's tough to admit and I feel ashamed.

 

I actually don't think you're enabling her so much through your actions, sounds to me like you are quite pragmatic and treat her respectfully, which is not something that I would suggest you change. Restricting her freedoms will just cause her to resent you and find better ways of hiding her behaviours

 

What I think is enabling her is that you are still accepting of her in most ways. But of course you will be - she's your wife and you love her.

 

My boyfriend is a bit overweight and loves food/beer. When he complains to me about low mood or back pain, I'm quite blunt with him - "Do you think that might be caused by your diet?" or "From what I understand of treatment of back pain, the most important factor in the long term is exercise". I also make sure we are active when we're together and limit food/alcohol. I have no qualms in doing this, because I know he'd have a better mood, more energy and less pain if he had healthier habits. I'm not going to enable his behaviour by ignoring it or acting like it's not hurting him - I care about him. I want him to feel happy and be pain-free

 

I understand that's different when you're married and live together, and have kids to raise, but the important thing to recognise is that unless you're talking about and incorporating healthier habits into your relationship, you're enabling her. I feel that it's unlikely you're suggesting active outings several times a week, prepping the healthiest foods, talking about how much health means to you, and responding to her health complaints by identifying how her habits could improve.

 

If you are doing these things, then I apologise for my error in judgement. If you aren't, that's where I would start...talk to her, but lead by example. I think if you take excellent care of yourself and your kids, she's going to feel the positive influence and be far more likely to adopt those habits.

 

So when you talk to her, maybe be prepared to talk to her about the changes that are going to be happening in your family from now on.

[Batya33]

I think there's a fine line between suggestions and patronizing and the trick is to find the sweet spot in the particular relationship - to take an individual approach to figuring out how to give to your partner in a way she can accept it -which might not be intuitive and might require change on the other partner's part. For example 7 years ago or so when my husband had stopped regular excercise for the most part I made a suggestion in a diplomatic way and the response was not good.

 

I exercise regularly and he is involved in that because over the years I have needed my husband at times to watch our son so I could exercise every day. About 2-3 years ago my husband's doctor told him he was pre-diabetic. His weight is "ok" - he could lose about 10 pounds or so (I am thin/slim). Hearing it from his doctor made the difference. He started power walking every day again. I kept my distance because I knew he needed me to do that and that interfering would backfire. Then he started involving me in his exercise decisions "I have a cold- should I exercise?" or "I'm tired -should I push through it now or wait for later?" And I give him honest answers including that what I would do might not be best for him.

 

If I were blunt like glitterfingers wrote about it would not have worked in my particular relationship despite being easy for me to say. The work is in finding the balance, and trial and error. The work in finding a way to convey the message (or to give space, or a combo) is part of loving the specific person IMO.

[Starlight925]

This is not about a 10-lb. gain, but more like 300 lbs. that she has gained since they met.

 

That’s akin to picking up a 5-pack a day smoking habit. She’s headed for major health issues, if she hasn’t had them already. The risks are different, but just as bad. It’s rare for someone 500+ lbs to live past 50.

 

The hard part is, she appears to be ok with it.

 

Maybe if you were to see a therapist for help in how to bring it up?

[Batya33]

This is not about a 10-lb. gain, but more like 300 lbs. that she has gained since they met.

 

That’s akin to picking up a 5-pack a day smoking habit. She’s headed for major health issues, if she hasn’t had them already. The risks are different, but just as bad. It’s rare for someone 500+ lbs to live past 50.

 

The hard part is, she appears to be ok with it.

 

Maybe if you were to see a therapist for help in how to bring it up?

 

I never suggested it was the same. My point was that how to communicate with a partner with a health issue is a very individual thing. I was responding to the post about being blunt with a partner who is not taking care of himself. If he had to take her to the ER or something like that, then yes he would take on the parental role and take her whether she liked it or not. She is heading to ER territory of course so drastic measures are called for but if she is not the type to really listen to bluntness about her condition there is no point in taking that approach and it might even make the situation worse.

[glitterfingers]

I would agree with the above for the most part, and in most relationships. However I think the difference in mine is that I am bringing healthy habits into a relationship where my boyfriend has quite opposite habits, and yet we both have studied human biology and biomedical sciences and have a deep understanding of how the human body functions. So the word "blunt" might be misleading - it's assertiveness on my part. But also a dynamic between us is asking clarifying questions and hearing the other person's response - and when I ask these questions or make statements, he usually agrees with me. Sometimes one of us disagrees with the other, so we google it and learn something new. But obviously this comes down to the original point about tailoring your approach to the relationship. Ours thrives on acknowledging scientific facts

 

That being said, I also have studied health psychology and understand that one of the major factors in making lasting changes is the support of the family unit. So I would maintain that OP needs to make changes "for the family" and set a new norm. Perhaps the 'sweet spot' here is approaching it delicately enough that she understands and accepts why changes are being made. I don't think that you should sacrifice honesty, but there is plenty to be said for being tactful. Most importantly I would avoid shaming her, but acknowledge that likely any approach is going to be hurtful at first because deep down she knows this is a problem and she knows she is responsible for her health

 

Perhaps you can broach the topic and suggest changes that you would like to be seen, such as ensuring that everyone is meeting their daily fruit/veg/water requirements and a couple of outings a week for walks or to the park. Then give it a week to settle in before slowly introducing new habits. And maintain it for a while before looking at the next step. These things can bond your family if you let it. It's important to offer alternative suggestions/habits rather than just point out what's going wrong, because that's only going to make her feel bad - give her something to look forward to