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He’s told me he wanted to have children with me, but he changed his mind


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Ever since my fiancé and I got together, he’s told me he wanted to marry me and have children with me. He has even reminded me that that is what he wants, has told me he wants to be financially stable before we have children, which I agree with. He has even has told me name options we should consider. And now, he wants nothing to do with them. We were in the middle of a conversation on a timeline we’d like to be on: when we should get married and start a family. Then, not even 2-3 hours later, he doesn’t see the point in children anymore and doesn’t what anything to do with them. I was so blindsided and heartbroken.


His parents are in his life, but they divorced when he was really young. He’s told me before that he’s hated he never had that strong example of a healthy marriage and healthy parenting. And he’s told me so many times that he wanted to use that experience he had, and use that to be what he always wanted: a loving husband to me and a loving father to our children. He’s always had hope in that. I don’t know what happened to make him change everything in a matter of hours. We both believed in the future we could have together, and we both wanted marriage and children. Now I feel like I standing alone in that hope and that he’s throwing away everything we’ve worked so hard to build. I just heartbroken and I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me?

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None of us are mind readers who can figure out what's going on in his head from the information you gave us.


So I'll pose some questions to get you thinking.


1. What is your relationship like in general? Is it the kind of relationship where you're ready to bring kids into the picture (at least from his perspective)? Some people make decisions almost solely based on what's in front of them, so it could be "I'm not ready" rather than "I don't want it, ever". Try to listen for the feeling he is expressing rather than the words themselves.


2. Further to this, has he suggested any doubts, concerns or changes to be made in the relationship?


3. What is his financial and mental health situation like? Does he talk often about wanting a better job, more income, being stressed, or basically anything that would indicate he doesn't feel like he's close to reaching his goals? Some people (I would include myself in this) would not want to have children until/unless they felt a bit more internal stability and like they could provide consistency for those children. Especially if they had a disjointed childhood, it would be an emotional barrier


I'd probably sort through these considerations and then question him like Holly suggested. Sounds to me like he has some things he wants to work through and might not be as ready as you are, but not necessarily indefinitely. He may be talking in absolutes as a way to express frustration/doubt


Give it some time to figure out if this is a temporary feeling, but if you can't work it out, you might want to reconsider the relationship.

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Well, we discussed this yesterday:




And I think the consensus was that if you really have your heart on having children, you will never be happy in a childless relationship. And if you expect your partner to change their mind, a lot of times they don't. So maybe you've got to break up. It's possible that he's actually decided to break up with you and he's using this starting a family tactic as a way to make you do the break up. I don't know. Has he been acting suspicious lately? But the best thing for you may be to break up with him.

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A friend of mine is a divorced dad. He met a new woman, they dated, were in a serious relationship, then he proposed. But he made it very, VERY clear that he did not and would not have any more children. In fact, he got a vasectomy. She agreed because she wanted to marry him.


A few years later, I met them and we all became friends. Then I (unexpectedly) became pregnant by the guy I was dating. The wife told me she envied me. She was starting to regret agreeing to never have children (she'd never had any) and there I was, pregnant right in front of her. She looked at me so wistfully...it was really sad. But she'd made an agreement with her husband and had no choice but to stick to it if she wanted to stay married to him. And there really was no other option than divorce since he'd already had the vasectomy.


If you really want children, do not marry someone who says they don't. You can't count on them changing their minds any more than they can count on you changing yours. It's a shame he pulled the rug out from under you this late in the game, but at least he told you before you actually married him.

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How long have you been dating/engaged? Are you living together? It seems there's a disagreement about this timeline you wanting things sooner than him.

We were in the middle of a conversation on a timeline we’d like to be on: when we should get married and start a family. Then, not even 2-3 hours later, he doesn’t see the point in children anymore
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