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Mixed messages don’t know if I’m overthinking


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I’ve been in a long distance relationship for almost 8 months. We live about 3 hours from one another. He’s a great man, has a teen daughter that lives at home and he has a great career. In the beginning the honeymoon phase was fantastic. It was so overwhelmingly perfect as we learned one another. But then a few months in, his daughter moved in with him and ever since he has been overwhelmed with being a single parent. I am also a single parent. My child is 15 and his is 17. He seems to coddle her and everything is about her all the time. If it’s not his work he is complaining about it’s about her. I am happy he’s an attentive father but sometimes it feels like since she’s moved in he really doesn’t have time to make me a priority anymore. Most of the thoughtful texts have gone away and the nightly phone calls seem forced on him. I am only assuming but when i ask him he says to just love him and he always denies any non interest. I wish I could stop feeling this way but it lingers. Of course there are several things that have emerged since our honeymoon phase has dwindled and I realize i am a very active person whereas he’s simple and satisfied with merely spending his weekends on the sofa watching movies. Whenever I text him now I always get a response but it’s nothnng like it use to be. It’s always very matter of fact or that he’s busy and it hurts me that he doesn’t give what I truly need. Is this a man thing or am I overreacting. I’ve been very supportive of his new life and transition but I’m getting burned out playing second fiddle. I’ve told him how I feel and I only get told he’s doing His best so that makes me feel bad for even mentioning it. Im not jealous of his daughter but don’t feel the balance between his daughter and me. I am independent and confident so I know i would be alright moving on but something keeps me here and i want to believe it’s a hope of change and because i know i love him. Is it just time for me to cut my losses and move on or is there hope? Help!!!!

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's not ready to date nor has time to date. Add to that a 3hr LDR. How often were you able to see each other? Did that change when his child moved in? Is he recently divorced? Why the shift in custody arrangements? After 8 mos it may be best to cut your losses. You are noticing many incompatibilities from interests to communication styles..

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I would consider moving on. There are way too many challenges in this relationship. I think when he was on his own the contact with you filled a void he was feeling. Now with his daughter living with him it's not only time consuming but he has someone in his house that he can relate to on a daily basis.

Add in the fact that you are realizing that you have different interests just adds to the lists of challenges.

 

You also need to look at the ultimate outcome. You didn't mention how old his daughter is but considering the ages of yours, you have at the very least 3 more years before the two of you could consider closing the distance.

Do you think, given everything you know now that you two will last that long?

Even if your kids do move out, are either of you willing to move and be that far away from your families?

 

You don't need to do anything at this point but you should start getting busy with your life in the meantime. It doesn't mean you have to date but move forward with your own interests and friends.

Depending on what he does going forward, you will have your answer.

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His daughter is 17 and he has already mentioned moving to me once she graduates and goes off to college. We use to see one another every weekend and alternate the visits but recently we decided to cut it to every other weekend as his daughter was unhappy with being alone. The kicker is his daughter has all the support there including her mother and extended family but never wants to be alone. Also she moved in because she had a strained relationship with her moms live in bf and didn’t want to live there anymore

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Unfortunately minor children come before an 8 mos dating situation. He has to do what he has to do, even if you are displeased or don't agree.. If this inconvenience strains things then it wouldn't last anyway.

We use to see one another every weekend and alternate the visits but recently we decided to cut it to every other weekend as his daughter was unhappy with being alone.
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It sounds like it's a war between you and his daughter for his attention. This happens when a single dad has a daughter at home. You're competition. She should be going to college soon. If you can put up with an every other weekend dating schedule, you could hang in there for another year. Just realize you're not going to win against his daughter. But try to have a bigger picture in all this. He has two females he has to please and he has both of you asking for more attention from him. Try to give him a little break here.

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You will be second fiddle, that's just how it works. You expect him to put his daughter second and you first? You say you're independent, but it seems as though you constantly need his attention, need everything to be about you, need to be number one. Maybe reevaluate yourself here before making him out to be a bad guy for putting his daughter first and being busy with every day life.

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