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I have never had to quit cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, but I imagine the feeling is similar. Having to not contact someone who was my world for a bit, who I talked to every day and who was my shoulder to cry on is hard even if I know it is right thing to do. Today I woke up and had panic attack because alone, lonely and just wanted to talk to her. My mind keeps saying if she can just hold me I can make it through this when rationally that is the opposite of starting to heal.

 

:upset:

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Listen to me------she caused your pain, so she isn't the answer to help you through it.

You view her as a comfort, but she isn't. She was very verbally abusive to you.

I know someone just like her, she makes me cringe. Her poor husband is so beat down and she laughs at him for how she's

made him feel. It's disgusting. You do not want this woman, trust me. It would only get worse.

You never, ever give any power to anyone who treats you that way. Ever.

Stay NC. You will feel better , trust in this?

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Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? I know you are going to do well soon and in the end because you made this insightful analogy:

I have never had to quit cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, but I imagine the feeling is similar.
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I understand. I don't mean to sound so cold, I just really hate seeing people suffer when they were treated so badly.

But it's part of being the dumpee, as opposed to being the dumper. The dumpee feels a great deal of guilt and hurt and wants so badly to fix it that they start to mull over every single little detail in their mind, which leads to self doubt, self blame, and sometimes a severe depression. Not saying the dumper doesn't go through emotions, because many often do experience the pain as well, but they certainly have it easier because they have the power, so to speak.

I just went through intense pain from last July, first time in my life I had ever been dumped. I wasn't even sure how to react because I was kinda shell shocked lol. I made it through,as have many countless others. Even you in the past, I'm sure. So you will again. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Always :)

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Just know it tends to get worse before it gets better. That way you will be prepared.

I liked that you touched on the addiction part. There are several articles comparing breakups to going through withdrawals.

I does clearly have a biochemical effect on your body. It helped me to know that when the urges got really strong.

One hit and you start all over again.

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Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? I know you are going to do well soon and in the end because you made this insightful analogy:

 

It was short relationship. 4 months. I fell in love which is unlike me. I am usually the one who waits for the other person to say it and make sure several times I really feel that way, but I jumped into this one and went head over heels. It ended because we had our first real fight and it came because she was insulting me and wouldn't stop so I got upset. Then after not hearing from her went by to see why she wouldn't respond to texts or calls and got upset and she said it was exactly like an ex of hers who would always push into her house and it was unforgivable and inexcusable of anyone to do that. Then baby steps back, but when I said I wanted to hear that I wasn't exactly like her ex because it was very different she again insulted me and cursed me out and went silent again with no replies to anything.

 

Writing it out it feels foolish to say I want to contact her or still feel longing, but the emotions are there. The cigarette, alcohol or drugs comment is even more apt I think. I know it is bad for me. I know I should quit, but I still crave the good part of the feeling it gave me.

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Was she on the rebound from a bad relationship?

Then after not hearing from her went by to see why she wouldn't respond to texts or calls and got upset and she said it was exactly like an ex of hers who would always push into her house and it was unforgivable and inexcusable of anyone to do that.
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The dumpee feels a great deal of guilt and hurt and wants so badly to fix it that they start to mull over every single little detail in their mind, which leads to self doubt, self blame, and sometimes a severe depression.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I want to fix it. More than anything else I want to fix it so I feel whole again. It helps seeing it written out because I have used the words "fix it" multiple times in last week.

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You can't "fix" how someone else chooses to behave.

 

She chooses to be abusive and insulting. You can't change that.

 

What you can do is resolve to stay away and not to contact her. Yes, you find it difficult but as I always say, anything worth doing requires effort.

 

And like my signature line says, the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain.

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Hey dude. I literary went through this 5 months ago. She asked for no contact and that was that.

I know you want her back, i get it. I still want my ex back. Would take her back in a heart beat. But heres the thing. You have to move on. Its easier said than done. But I didnt move on. I went crazy not talking to her, I messaged her friends asking about her, I stalked her social media, I tried big gestures to win her back. But i realised everything i did made it worse. I dug my hole deeper everyday at a chance of reconciliation.

 

Take it from me. You need space away from her. It will help you immensely. Take up hobbies and go to new places. Dont try seeing anyone new it wont work out. The biggest one is you need to cut all contact from her. No phone, messaging, facebook. Nothing.

 

There are 2 reasons you should do this.

 

1) After some time she will think differently about you. She will remember all the good times with you. The time apart will make her miss you. And she will contact you.

 

2) If she doesnt want to be with you then too bad for her, but you would have healed and gained that onfidence back with the time apart.

 

The last thing I can say is dont hold onto hope to tightly. It will break you apart when youre holding on and shes out there meeting people.

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I was doing really good today for first time in a long time and then thought of some of the good qualities when I was listening to music and heard a song we both liked and it went from productive to panic attack and wanting to contact her. I didn't, but it was hard.
hey rough patch!

 

Hang in there... the roller coaster feelings cine and go.... lately I'm feeling like "his loss!" but its like I'm thinking about him all the time, so really... i care.

 

maybe journal a little bit to get the sappy feelings out and then you'll start to feel strong again.

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Take it from me. You need space away from her. It will help you immensely. Take up hobbies and go to new places. Dont try seeing anyone new it wont work out. The biggest one is you need to cut all contact from her. No phone, messaging, facebook. Nothing.

 

There are 2 reasons you should do this.

 

1) After some time she will think differently about you. She will remember all the good times with you. The time apart will make her miss you. And she will contact you.

 

2) If she doesnt want to be with you then too bad for her, but you would have healed and gained that onfidence back with the time apart.

 

The last thing I can say is dont hold onto hope to tightly. .

 

Well done grasshopper, you got that pebble now.

 

I mean in this in an old bull admiring the way the young steer learned to jump the fence way. :friendly_wink:

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hey rough patch!

 

Hang in there... the roller coaster feelings cine and go.... lately I'm feeling like "his loss!" but its like I'm thinking about him all the time, so really... i care.

 

maybe journal a little bit to get the sappy feelings out and then you'll start to feel strong again.

 

This is it exactly right now. Her loss. No... my loss. No her loss. It is like the scene from Princess Bride. "I know that she knows that I know that she knows that I like her still..." At the end of it is just two poisoned glasses. I need to build up my immunity not worry about outsmarting it. :p

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Today was the first day I felt like doing stuff. I have been doing things, but it was rote, robotic motions of doing them because what else can I do. Today I did something things and wanted to. Still sad. Still really want to hear her voice or hold her next to me. But a step forward that I feel something other than pain and despair.

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