Boundaries Involving Friends' Personal Information

[Batya33]

I'll start with the specific example but it's more of a general question/curiosity on boundaries.

 

I have three female friends who are all going through a divorce/separation and have shared this information with me in the last few months. All have shared because of our emotional closeness and in one case it's also because I know of more resources where we live than she does so I'm helping her logistically/practically by connecting her with the right people.

 

In two of the cases my husband knows the guys involved and in one I would say that he's affirmatively friendly with him although they don't socialize independently.

 

I am shocked about all of these situations (especially two of them) and very sad too because this is so hard on my friends and two involve kids (and one involves frozen eggs of all things).

 

None of them asked me not to tell my husband but in all cases I assume they want to keep this confidential. So I haven't told my husband anything and it's hard because it would be great to get his input and because he's my husband! I do not plan to tell him because I balanced it and these situations are so sensitive and so personal that I have to assume my friends wouldn't want him to know (I don't even want to bring it up). We do not share email accounts or Facebook so he wouldn't see it that way (nor would he try to).

 

What have you done in these situations with a spouse or SO? Am I asking one of those questions that's just too individual/it depends? I know that if he finds out or when I can tell him he will not be upset with me at all. He's very loyal to his friends and I wouldn't be surprised if in some cases he chose not to share information like that with me. We each at times have shared that kind of information but with the understanding that it was confidential. I trust him completely to keep it confidential I just don't think it's appropriate to share my friends' information in this way.

 

Thank you!

[SweetGirl28]

I personally don't see the big deal in telling, as it will be known eventually anyway. What I would never tell, however , is personal intimate details, such as an affair, etc because should a couple decide to stay together, the view of those people in another's mind can be marred. It's a reason I don't share many details of my own relationships with people because I don't want anyone to hold resentment towards someone I love/care for. You describe your husband as a pretty great man, so I don't think you need to worry about any of that, it's just been my experience that I've had some greatly judgemental people in and out of my life(which I cannot stand) so I tend to keep more quiet. If someone asks me not to tell something, I don't.

[DancingFool]

I've always felt that what my friends share with me, especially things that may be highly personal and sensitive are strictly between them and myself and that information stops there. If they want to share with "us" they certainly have plenty of opportunities to do so or make clear that my SO's input is welcome. My SO is simply not entitled to hear about my friend's sensitive or personal issues just by virtue of being my SO. I don't consider that kind of over sharing as part of a relationship or proper for that matter. More like a total betrayal of my friend's trust because it really just amount to gossiping about them behind their back, whether it's an SO or someone else, same difference to my mind.

 

This is also why I don't share e-mails, phone passwords, etc. My friends are entitled to privacy and discretion.

[j.man]

I am a staunch proponent of privacy, even in a relationship, to the extent it includes maintaining the confidence of those who entrust me with theirs. I'm really not a big fan of "anything you tell me is fair game for me to run home and talk to my SO / spouse about." I understand plenty of people do in fact abide by that practice, and that's fair enough, but I certainly hope they're disclaiming that before listening to someone's very personal details as I do think the default assumption-- regardless of where one stands on the matter-- should be what's said to that person in confidence stays with that person.

 

But I also admit that the line between privacy and the spirit of being a "unit" operates on a sliding scale, with my position being much more firmly on the privacy-minded side of things.

[Wiseman2]

Being a friend also means being someone you can confide in. It may differ if you all socialize and then the sudden absence of a spouse is evident. If he doesn't know them, then no need to discuss.

[Batya33]

I am a staunch proponent of privacy, even in a relationship, to the extent it includes maintaining the confidence of those who entrust me with theirs. I'm really not a big fan of "anything you tell me is fair game for me to run home and talk to my SO / spouse about." I understand plenty of people do in fact abide by that practice, and that's fair enough, but I certainly hope they're disclaiming that before listening to someone's very personal details as I do think the default assumption-- regardless of where one stands on the matter-- should be what's said to that person in confidence stays with that person.

 

But I also admit that the line between privacy and the spirit of being a "unit" operates on a sliding scale, with my position being much more firmly on the privacy-minded side of things.

 

That is how I feel. In all cases he may find out down the road but to me in a divorce situation there's a big difference between finding out before the divorce is final or at least filed (when I might have to tell him for practical reasons if we get together with our friends, etc) and the often tumultuous and personal time before. I always thought people assumed that more likely than not the information would be shared with my spouse even though I don't feel that way at all or make that assumption. Also sometimes I talk in hypotheticals but in these three cases he would know who it was or it would be too much of a tease. So I don't want to go there. And in one case I'm hoping they can reconcile as she's agreed to go to a marriage counselor and if so there would be nothing to share.

 

My husband could have helped me on the logistical side -connecting her with the right people -but again I felt it was too risky so I handled it on my own.

[thealchemist]

I always give the disclaimer that if you don't want my wife to know don't tell me.

 

If your husband doesn't care then I wouldn't bring it up just to inform him.

 

I just divulge everything because my wife and I talk a lot and share everything, just how we are.

 

There isn't the expectation to say everything though. I just don't ever want someone getting mad at me for telling my wife.

[reinventmyself]

I trust that anything said between my partner and myself stays between us. Having said that, I may tell him some specifics but I wouldn't pass on very sensitive and personal details.

 

I would hope my friends would do the same in return.

 

But if I was specifically asked to not mention it, I would honor that.

[rosephase]

I talk to my partners about what is happening in my world. Which includes personal stuff my friends are talking to me about, unless they tell me specifically not to tell anyone. Anything I tell my partners about other people (and anything they tell me about other people) stops with us. And we all have good enough boundaries to pretend not to know stuff unless it's told to us personally. For me it's more about emotional support. If my friend is leaning on me emotionally because they are going through hard times, it helps me to be able to share that with someone close. So I can have support and I can continue being supportive of my friend without it being to emotionally draining. Big emotional secrets take their toll, even when they aren't yours.

[Hollyj]

Just because you are married, does not mean you have to share everything (other people's business). You owe it to your friends to keep it confidential. They knew that they could trust you.

[Batya33]

I talk to my partners about what is happening in my world. Which includes personal stuff my friends are talking to me about, unless they tell me specifically not to tell anyone. Anything I tell my partners about other people (and anything they tell me about other people) stops with us. And we all have good enough boundaries to pretend not to know stuff unless it's told to us personally. For me it's more about emotional support. If my friend is leaning on me emotionally because they are going through hard times, it helps me to be able to share that with someone close. So I can have support and I can continue being supportive of my friend without it being to emotionally draining. Big emotional secrets take their toll, even when they aren't yours.

 

Yes, and right now it's a burden (not having my husband's support) I choose to bear because on balance I value my friends' privacy and confidence in me more than my need to unburden. Even though they didn't tell me not to tell -it's all so very personal that I assume they want it kept that way. And it's the kind of thing where he would know or be able to really narrow it down if I gave him any specifics. Having said that if it really was difficult for me I'd tell him that I'd heard something personal from a friend having to do with marital issues and it was weighing on me. He would understand if I couldn't give more specifics. I know so many people that he would never know who it could be. But this time I probably won't even say that.

 

Come to think of it there have been a few times when his guy friend has told him confidentially about potentially serious medical issues he is going through. Sometimes he has told me and asked me to keep it off the record (which I always have as I am friends with the wife) but only when he wasn't sure whether he was not allowed to even tell me. It helped him help his friend because of the type of medical issues.

 

I can see both sides. I've also never been a fan of making a plan with a friend one on one so we can share/catch up and she assumes she can bring her SO or spouse - but that's just my "thing" i guess -I am really sensitive to dynamics like that and if there's someone else there who I am not as close to it changes the whole interaction. But that's for another topic although loosely related I guess.

[DancingFool]

Yes, and right now it's a burden (not having my husband's support) I choose to bear because on balance I value my friends' privacy and confidence in me more than my need to unburden. Even though they didn't tell me not to tell -it's all so very personal that I assume they want it kept that way. And it's the kind of thing where he would know or be able to really narrow it down if I gave him any specifics. Having said that if it really was difficult for me I'd tell him that I'd heard something personal from a friend having to do with marital issues and it was weighing on me. He would understand if I couldn't give more specifics. I know so many people that he would never know who it could be. But this time I probably won't even say that.

 

Come to think of it there have been a few times when his guy friend has told him confidentially about potentially serious medical issues he is going through. Sometimes he has told me and asked me to keep it off the record (which I always have as I am friends with the wife) but only when he wasn't sure whether he was not allowed to even tell me. It helped him help his friend because of the type of medical issues.

 

I can see both sides. I've also never been a fan of making a plan with a friend one on one so we can share/catch up and she assumes she can bring her SO or spouse - but that's just my "thing" i guess -I am really sensitive to dynamics like that and if there's someone else there who I am not as close to it changes the whole interaction. But that's for another topic although loosely related I guess.

 

I'd caution you not to get too involved in helping them. A shoulder to cry on as much as you can handle it, sure. Some practical help in terms of who to talk to if you know it, certainly. Just don't forget to have healthy boundaries with your friends in these situations as well. Don't get overly involved because that can backfire on you in the end.

[ThatwasThen]

I just assume that anything I say to someone, they are going to share it with their partner. I wouldn't be surprised if your friends assume you are repeating their story to your husband. Now, If they have specifically asked me (or I them) to keep it in the vault, then it stays with me and I would expect them to keep it close to their chests as well.

 

Op: Did they specifically ask you not to repeat what they've told you to anyone?

[Batya33]

I'd caution you not to get too involved in helping them. A shoulder to cry on as much as you can handle it, sure. Some practical help in terms of who to talk to if you know it, certainly. Just don't forget to have healthy boundaries with your friends in these situations as well. Don't get overly involved because that can backfire on you in the end.

 

Thanks for the advice! -I'm pretty good at boundaries with my close friends and in this case I'm happy to be there for her in any way I can. I trust her not to cut me off or similar should she reconcile with her husband and my role is not to advise her on whether she is doing the right thing -I just listen, actively and empathetically, and really my opinion as an outsider would be irrelevant anyway. In this particular case she really has no one to talk to -she has many friends and a very close family but my sense is many of them know her husband very well and of course that gets awkward. I don't know him well or have any contact with him other than when I see the family.

[Batya33]

I just assume that anything I say to someone, they are going to share it with their partner. I wouldn't be surprised if your friends assume you are repeating their story to your husband. Now, If they have specifically asked me (or I them) to keep it in the vault, then it stays with me and I would expect them to keep it close to their chests as well.

 

Op: Did they specifically ask you not to repeat what they've told you to anyone?

 

Interesting! I wrote above that no, no one asked. I would assume the opposite of what you wrote but if it were me and it was really personal I'd probably mention it just to be careful.

[Lester]

Trivial matters and idle talk aside, I tell my wife everything. (But sometimes I don't..., I simply forget. She reminds me!)

 

When you marry you become one.

How can the right foot of the same being not know the left?

 

Now put your foot in his shoe, and yours in his and ask the same question.

 

 

PS, Friends and acquaintances come and go.

[Batya33]

Trivial matters and idle talk aside, I tell my wife everything. (But sometimes I don't..., I simply forget. She reminds me!)

 

When you marry you become one.

How can the right foot of the same being not know the left?

 

Now put your foot in his shoe, and yours in his and ask the same question.

 

 

PS, Friends and acquaintances come and go.

 

Yes, I have a very different view of marriage, an institution I love and respect. I think you become one in certain ways but not in every way and I can't see having a healthy marriage where the mindset is that for every purpose you are "one" - I think it's much healthier to have a sense of space, independence, your own separate lives -makes things so much more interesting and varied too IMO. And I respect his space, his private space -if he makes a phone call in the other room when we're home teleworking I never ask who he was talking to even if I'm curious. I want him to feel comfortable doing what he feels like without feeling watched or monitored. He doesn't ask me either. Sometimes we tell each other and sometimes we don't. We don't have each other's email or phone passwords (although I've wondered if we should in case of an emergency) and if his email is open on his computer I don't look at his emails. And I don't look at his phone either. And vice versa.

 

I cherish my close friends and to me friends and acquaintances are apples and oranges. I cannot stand the attitude of "well now I'm married and I don't have time for friends" or "Now i'm a mom so I only have time for Mom Friends" - treating friends as somehow fungible or that low on the priority list or not even making the list. Ugh.

 

Interesting turn this thread has taken!

[abitbroken]

If they are leaning on you, you have every right to talk to your husband who is your confidant about what you are feeling and thinking. I think that you really also should not get too invested in these breakups. It takes a toll. And you should not be made to choose sides (if your husband is friendly with one of the guys, then he should not have to choose who to be friendly with going forward just because they are your friends). He is not going to blab all over town. And its not fair for them to unfairly burden you.

[Starlight925]

I err on the side of caution and maintain privacy. I've been married before, and I did not tell my spouse anything confidential, as it's.....confidential.

 

You could ask the person if it's ok that you bring it up to your husband, as he may have valuable input. Then let them decide.

[Seraphim]

I keep nothing from my spouse. But my husband knows my 2 close friends. One her husband has already passed away and the other has been divorced for 24 years and doesn’t want any man in her life . But my husband and I share everything and he doesn’t blab so .....

[melancholy123]

Since they didnt say not to tell him, I would tell my husband if I was you. He is not one to discuss others with other people so it wouldn't go any further than me telling him. People will find out eventually. Are you possibly too closely involved? It sounds to me like you are.

[Batya33]

Since they didnt say not to tell him, I would tell my husband if I was you. He is not one to discuss others with other people so it wouldn't go any further than me telling him. People will find out eventually. Are you possibly too closely involved? It sounds to me like you are.

 

Thanks! He will find out if they get separated or divorced. But at this point the information is so personal that I am not comfortable sharing my friend's personal information with him, especially since no one has filed for divorce -anything can happen. Same with my other two friends - the information is also very personal involving affairs, betrayal etc. Am I too closely involved? Depends I guess on how you define what good friends do for one another to support each other. I know I am not in any of those situations.

 

I trust my husband completely not to tell anyone. And out of loyalty to my friend I think the right thing to do is to keep it between us. Those are the balancing factors I wrote about in my post and where I most likely fall.

 

As a practical matter, she and I plan to talk by phone today. It's possible my husband will be around and overhear. I will tell her that in advance and see what she thinks.

[Batya33]

If they are leaning on you, you have every right to talk to your husband who is your confidant about what you are feeling and thinking. I think that you really also should not get too invested in these breakups. It takes a toll. And you should not be made to choose sides (if your husband is friendly with one of the guys, then he should not have to choose who to be friendly with going forward just because they are your friends). He is not going to blab all over town. And its not fair for them to unfairly burden you.

 

I don't feel I have that "right" because I don't feel I have a right to betray my friend. I don't think anyone has a right to betray a confidence just because someone else has confided in you for support. I can tell her I don't want to hear the information (of course i have that right) but if I choose to hear, I choose to keep it confidential. One friend wanted to show me a letter her husband's mistress had written to her, harassing her. Obviously I was curious and I told her not to show me because I don't want to be involved in that way (i.e. then I could be a witness, etc).

 

I don't feel a friend asking for support during marital difficulties is unfairly burdening me in this case - it can get to that point and then I would put up boundaries. Like if she asked me to help with her kids to a point where I couldn't or asked me to choose sides in a way that made me feel uncomfortable (I would be shocked if this friend did which is why we're friends!). My husband is not as I wrote above friendly on his own with the husband. He will not have to choose sides.

 

I call what she is doing in this particular situation part of close friendship. I would expect the same of her. Obviously there are individual situations -so far with her in particular it's what I would expect from a close friendship. It can take a toll to be supportive. To me that is part of being close friends. I fortunately have others I can speak to for support if I feel I need to check on my boundaries -friends who do not know her and never will (and where I can use no names on top of that and they'll never know). Certainly if it involved choosing sides in the way you described or involved family gatherings in that kind of way I would not get involved or limit it severely.

 

I distanced myself from a friend who made a mess of things in her marriage and also had severe financial difficulties. I saw the writing on the wall early on (since she lived upstairs I was afraid of her leaning on me heavily to buy what she was selling in one of her sales ventures, to watch her kids, etc -I saw the signs and we were not that close. I "wanted" to help but practiced self-care. And yes I told my husband right away. But she also posted about her new boyfriend who she cheated on her husband with on Facebook. So....

 

Interesting the different perspectives on the role of friends, the role of friends in a marriage, what it means to be married while having close friends -thanks to all!

[j.man]

Disagree with the whole chain of emotional support argument. If someone's taking in more than they can handle, they should be asserting boundaries with that friend as needed.

[abitbroken]

I don't feel I have that "right" because I don't feel I have a right to betray my friend. I don't think anyone has a right to betray a confidence just because someone else has confided in you for support. I can tell her I don't want to hear the information (of course i have that right) but if I choose to hear, I choose to keep it confidential. One friend wanted to show me a letter her husband's mistress had written to her, harassing her. Obviously I was curious and I told her not to show me because I don't want to be involved in that way (i.e. then I could be a witness, etc).

 

I don't feel a friend asking for support during marital difficulties is unfairly burdening me in this case - it can get to that point and then I would put up boundaries. Like if she asked me to help with her kids to a point where I couldn't or asked me to choose sides in a way that made me feel uncomfortable (I would be shocked if this friend did which is why we're friends!). My husband is not as I wrote above friendly on his own with the husband. He will not have to choose sides.

 

I call what she is doing in this particular situation part of close friendship. I would expect the same of her. Obviously there are individual situations -so far with her in particular it's what I would expect from a close friendship. It can take a toll to be supportive. To me that is part of being close friends. I fortunately have others I can speak to for support if I feel I need to check on my boundaries -friends who do not know her and never will (and where I can use no names on top of that and they'll never know). Certainly if it involved choosing sides in the way you described or involved family gatherings in that kind of way I would not get involved or limit it severely.

 

I distanced myself from a friend who made a mess of things in her marriage and also had severe financial difficulties. I saw the writing on the wall early on (since she lived upstairs I was afraid of her leaning on me heavily to buy what she was selling in one of her sales ventures, to watch her kids, etc -I saw the signs and we were not that close. I "wanted" to help but practiced self-care. And yes I told my husband right away. But she also posted about her new boyfriend who she cheated on her husband with on Facebook. So....

 

Interesting the different perspectives on the role of friends, the role of friends in a marriage, what it means to be married while having close friends -thanks to all!

 

 

I really think she can and should tell him "my friends are both going through relationship problems and it is really wearing me out. I feel uncomfortable since i know/like both the husband and wife. What would you do?"

 

You don't have to tell them that someone found a stranger's underwear in the hamper or anything - those little details - but if she feels she needs to talk about things with her husband for her OWN benefit and not to air a friend's laundry, that's different.

 

I think she also needs to be careful in her support -- sometimes when one party feels wronged, its easy to be the friend who says "divorce him" vs the friend who is encouraging their friend to step back in the ring/resolve their issues - support them if they decide to end things - but sometimes what breaks or makes things is the support someone gets. My ex-sil had a rabid pack of recently divorced or separated women who were encouraging her to leave her husband - the whole "join us in misery" thing and working out their own issues through their friend. It took a lot for her to break away from that.