Jump to content

He left me after 10 years because I don't want children


Emma874
 Share

Recommended Posts

I feel so completely and utterly broken right now. My partner has just told me he's leaving me after 10 years because I don't want children.

 

I decided when I was about 14 or 15 that I didn't want children. I've always been absolutely terrified of childbirth and as the years have passed I've not changed my mind, despite everyone telling me I would. I always told my partner I didn't want children but we were young when we met. I was 23 and he was 25. We fell in love and it didn't seem so important back then.

 

He has just turned 35 and has seen all of his friends have babies and wants them too. I don't. I don't want to put my body through it, spend the money or commit to looking after a human being for the next 18+ years. We have dogs and that is enough for me. We've had a tough few years and grew apart and nearly broke up last year but he pushed for us to stay together, even though I told him again I don't want children. He made me fall in love with him all over again and now he's leaving me. I'm so so broken :( I'm just looking for some kind words right now...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel so completely and utterly broken right now. My partner has just told me he's leaving me after 10 years because I don't want children.

 

I decided when I was about 14 or 15 that I didn't want children. I've always been absolutely terrified of childbirth and as the years have passed I've not changed my mind, despite everyone telling me I would. I always told my partner I didn't want children but we were young when we met. I was 23 and he was 25. We fell in love and it didn't seem so important back then.

 

He has just turned 35 and has seen all of his friends have babies and wants them too. I don't. I don't want to put my body through it, spend the money or commit to looking after a human being for the next 18+ years. We have dogs and that is enough for me. We've had a tough few years and grew apart and nearly broke up last year but he pushed for us to stay together, even though I told him again I don't want children. He made me fall in love with him all over again and now he's leaving me. I'm so so broken :( I'm just looking for some kind words right now...

 

This is terrible and I would tell you as a man I didn't feel ready for children for years and I was terrified a woman would do the same and change her views, obviously breaking the relationship

so I feel for you, there is nothing worse than a relationship ending for "external" reasons that you have no influence on.

 

But I will also say this happened to me this year, though I'm not with the woman anymore for other reasons, I suddenly felt at a point in my life where I would want a family and this surprised

me honestly, but there is nothing you can do but accept this and turn the page, take care !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He was right to leave because you both want different things. It would only be something he'd most likely resent you for and you'd end anyway in another few years. Better now than later while you're still both young enough to find someone who is compatabile with your wants. I know women who didn't want kids and got pregnant and are awful mothers, and others that turned out loving the fact they created life. Sometimes it's one of those things that surprises you once it happens. Im just curious if you're afraid you'll ruin your body by getting pregnant and giving birth? What exactly is your fear about putting yourself through it? I have a friend who was getting baby fever and he's near 40, so he left his much older gf of seven years, found a younger girl, got engaged, and is rushing things so they can be married and start a family.

That's sometimes what happens when someone realizes too late what they want, and they feel time is running out. All you can do is wish one another well and let go. It's a pretty big issue to try and resolve when one doesn't want kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But just a couple of weeks ago you posted this:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547568&highlight=emma874

 

Where you said you haven't been really intimate with him for quite some time, and now you have a crush on someone else.

 

It sounds like there are more problems leading up to this, than just your lack of desire to have children. You did say in this post that you'd be willing to adopt. Is this the whole story?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What you have found is that love doesn’t solve everything . Even in long-term relationships . He wants children you don’t very fundamental difference . Even if you’re willing to adopt he may want his own biological children . Just as it’s your right not to want children it is his right to want them . And love has not changed either person . Love is very important but so is agreement in life goals .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What you have found is that love doesn’t solve everything . Even in long-term relationships . He wants children you don’t very fundamental difference . Even if you’re willing to adopt he may want his own biological children . Just as it’s your right not to want children it is his right to want them . And love has not changed either person . Love is very important but so is agreement in life goals .

 

Yes, this. I have a friend with a 7 year old who told her husband way back when she only wanted one child. He changed his mind and wanted more. She still didn't. They are now divorced and she is engaged to a man she met on a dating site. It is not the best for their daughter of course but it is working out. If you can avoid that situation -meaning getting married and/or adopting a child just to please him, it's far far better. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was in your situation a few years ago and didn't want kids. I even work with kids, but I have hospital phobia, was not in a good financial place, and wasn't sure if my husband was ready even though he really wants them (kind of hard to tell an OBGYN sonographer "NO" who sees pregnant women everyday) . What changed my mind was when we got married and that we were both able to (finally) financial support each other. He also matured and really showed me he was willing to do whatever it took to support me when I needed it in any bad situation. I needed that sense of reliance and commitment to feel comfortable to put myself in pregnancy.

 

Kids are something you have to want 110% or you just don't have them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry this has happened, but he did the right thing as it seems there were a lot more issues at play than you not wanting children. You have been unhappy in the relationship for quite some time, as per your previous thread where you say:

 

"the last few years we've had a lot of ups and downs. Our life has become fairly routine and for a long time my boyfriend got so lazy with our relationship and I felt unwanted and unloved. For a long time now I have not felt physically attracted to him. I have been trying with my boyfriend but if I have had feelings for someone else for a whole year"

 

I know it hurts, but see it as a blessing in disguise because it would have eventually ended anyway as the writing was on the wall (imo).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I cant offer advice but this hits me hard because my ex didnt want children and I did. And Im still battling with how much I love her and feel we are meant to be together.

 

This really hit me hard.

 

Im so sorry this all happened to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...