I can't forgive myself - I feel like I've cheated

[sealrocks]

I have bene with my boyfriend for 10 months but 2 days before we got together I slept with my ex of 4 years ( i knew him for 10, since I was 12). This all came to light about a month ago and since then I have been spilling the truth on everything. This ex was very mentally unstable (I was always afraid he was going to kill himself) and manipulative so for about 3-4 months of my relationship I would meet up with my ex in a public place every 3 weeks and just catch up. I never cheated, as in he tried to hold my hand and hinted that I give him a kiss and I didn't, and I never went back to his place again and i never slept with him during the relationship, however sometimes he would give me a long hug and I remember he would kiss me on the forehead to greet me or say goodbye. I would say he couldn't do that but i didn't say it with enough conviction so I let it happen. The last time I saw this ex he did something to really hurt me and that was the last time i saw him again. When he hurt me I was so confused and hurt and distraught because i went out of my way to make sure i never hurt his feelings, I said things I didn't mean to make him feel better about things, I disrespected my boyfriend by underplaying our relationship to make this ex feel better and act like I didn't like my bf as much as I did all to make this person feel okay, and he went out of his way to hurt me. He wanted to make me upset. That day I cried the whole night and day and messaged this ex that 'I know i shouldn't be saying this but I still love you' - I can't remember exactly what I said but it was something along those lines. I stopped all communication with this ex from there on and whenever he messaged me after this I brushed him off.

 

I had a beautiful relationship with my current boyfriend and I know he's the one for me, until I confessed all of this to him. Of course all of this hurt him and we have been fighting about this for a few weeks. But he has decided to forgive me for this. I know I would never be friends with this person ever again even if he was 100% fine with it and I hate my past actions. I feel like I have cheated and I just can't forgive myself. Every time I try to even think about moving on and forgiving myself my mind just thinks 'how can you even think of moving on you've tainted this' and 'how can you let yourself get away with this' and 'you've ruined this' and I just feel weighted down by those memories. I just can't forgive myself, I feel like this is all I think about now, I can't concentrate on the present or the future and I am consumed by what I have done all day every day. i wake up anxious and i go to bed anxious, it's just a chronic anxiety all the time and i don't know what to do. I don't want to think about what has happened in my past because i feel so much shame and guilt for it. I just feel like a terrible and unworthy person and I hate myself for doing this to my bf. I feel like because I always thought of myself as someone who would never cheat, and in hindsight I pretty much did, I just can't live with myself or what I've done. How can i forgive myself.

[relevart]

Define cheating. If your new boyfriend did not know you were meeting your ex, I can see why he is upset now that he does know. Your definition of cheating and his definition of cheating may not be the same thing. I'd be pissed if I were in his shoes. I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm not trying to come down on you.

 

So how do you forgive yourself? By not making the same mistake again with this relationship or another one. You learn from the past and never repeat it.

 

Also, why did you confess to your new BF? Did it accomplish what you intended it to?

[boltnrun]

You posted this before:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547742

 

Has something changed in the past week?

 

Does your boyfriend know you told your ex that you love him and always will?

[MissCanuck]

Do you still love your ex, OP?

[catfeeder]

You're creating drama for no apparent reason.

 

Good luck with that.

[sealrocks]

Define cheating. If your new boyfriend did not know you were meeting your ex, I can see why he is upset now that he does know.

 

Also, why did you confess to your new BF? Did it accomplish what you intended it to?

 

He knew I was meeting up with my ex at the time it was happening. I always told him when I went to meet him. And confess about what specifically?

[sealrocks]

Nothing has changed. My boyfriend wants to know everything that happened I guess when I was still seeing this ex as a friend. He knew I was seeing him every 3 weeks for 3-4 months of our relationship, but I just told him about me saying 'i love you' to this ex when he hurt me. I did not love him but was confused at the time of him hurting me, and thought i had feelings because I was so hurt. But a few days passed and I knew I was so hurt because he intentionally hurt me. I didn't tell my ex that I would always love him, I said that I loved him on the night he hurt me and we didnt speak from then on. That was 7 months ago.

[sealrocks]

You posted this before:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547742

 

Has something changed in the past week?

 

Does your boyfriend know you told your ex that you love him and always will?

 

Nothing has changed. My boyfriend wants to know everything that happened I guess when I was still seeing this ex as a friend. He knew I was seeing him every 3 weeks for 3-4 months of our relationship, but I just told him about me saying 'i love you' to this ex when he hurt me. I did not love him but was confused at the time of him hurting me, and thought i had feelings because I was so hurt. But a few days passed and I knew I was so hurt because he intentionally hurt me. I didn't tell my ex that I would always love him, I said that I loved him on the night he hurt me and we didnt speak from then on. That was 7 months ago.

[sealrocks]

How am I creating drama?

[sealrocks]

You're creating drama for no apparent reason.

 

Good luck with that.

 

How am I creating drama?

[sealrocks]

Do you still love your ex, OP?

 

No I truly don't, and i didn't, i was just confused the night he hurt me and I said it because i thought I did but i realised a few days later that it was just because i was hurt and emotional

[DanZee]

All I can say is the way you forgive yourself is that you put this behind you and move on. Your boyfriend can't "unlearn" what you've told him. And he doesn't seem to be able to get over it. Rest up and heal. Get over your current boyfriend, move on, and find someone else who doesn't know about all this and don't tell him about it.

[Usa1ah]

No I truly don't, and i didn't, i was just confused the night he hurt me and I said it because i thought I did but i realised a few days later that it was just because i was hurt and emotional

 

I think it would be easier to say you loved him as a friend. So when he struck out at you it hurt like it did because you trusted this so called friend.

[Ziggy123]

I think it was a mistake to tell all the details.

 

But it is done now. Just need to talk to your boyfriend and say listen, let's try to move forward from this if he is also willing. He is hurt and feels cheated on. He either is able to forgive and move on or isn't. To be honest he doesn't sound like the person who can let it go. So you might have to talk together and decide if you can really move on from this or if it's better to break up.

 

You can't do anything about the past, it is done. We all make mistakes. You could try individual counselling if you are really having a hard time with guilt and anxiety. It will get better and you will be able to learn and move on from this, but unfortunately sometimes in these situations the couple is better off being broken up if things are too broken to fix.

[jimthzz]

Just a quibble about terms. I think we can do a lot about the past. We cannot change the events of the past but we sure as heck can change how we act in this world informed by what has transpired in the past. One can reflect on one's past behavior and either continue any destructive actions or strive to not only stop destructive behavior, but actively pursue healthy, enhancing behaviors.

 

Self awareness is key. Personal responsibility and accountability are good values too have.

 

Good luck!