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She wants to take things slow but then wants sex?


Yarmer
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Below is kind of a summary of what I've been going through with this girl from a previous thread.

 

So basically I've been dating this younger woman who has been screwed over with guys in the past (cheated on with one guy, another guy gave her herpes)

 

We've been on several dates and just recently things died down a bit so I reach out to her (after a week of headache and trying to figure things out) and said I feel like things were going well and now there is a distance. She agreed and said because in the past she's jumped in and out of new relationships and wants to take it slow. Sounded like we hit it off and it freaked her out. She's young and said she's focusing on her life but said she should have put herself in my shoes about the situation. It was a very healthy upbeat convo and even suggested we do something this weekend.

 

We ended up going out and had a great time. She opened up and said she was just dipping her toes into the real word while ive been in it for a while. She mentioned she's never had a guy pursue and understand her. There was a lot of sexual tension (teasing and laughter) we really hit it off. Wasnt trying to answer to her every becking call (like i use to) but instead be an individual standing my ground when i needed to but let her know I was interested. She suggest we change locations and I agreed. We end up grabbing a bite to eat and then I take her home. I show her a song and she pauses in the car to listen. In the past I would have waited for a tell sign to make a move but this time I just went in for it and was successful. She invited me inside soon after. We were both pretty intoxicated at this point and having a great time. We start to hook up...a little of this and that but no sex. She gets on top of me and asks if we can go ahead and have sex. I decline and say I want to but not sure where things are with us. She said she understood but i could see the look of frustration on her face...

 

I am worried I made the wrong decision here. I think it was the best decision on my end.( was feeling undervalued- too available) I dont want to give her everything she wants, but now this puts a little pressure on us. We've spoken once on the phone since the night and we had a great upbeat convo. texted the other times (all initiated by me)

 

A girl says she wants to take things slow relationship wise but then wants to have sex? so confused.

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You made the right decision about not having sex with her. You guys were drinking, it's easy to pursue sex under the influence. Don't be confused, it was most likely the alcohol talking.

 

A round of applause for resisting! I salut you!

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She's probably one of those people whete sex is just sex and it doesn't affect her one way nor the other.

Some will hold out until they see a man as commitment material that will be monogamous, and others do

it and it doesn't impact how fast nor slow they take the relationship. Or it's because you were both drinking.

Be careful not to end up in that position too often where you hold back though, because she may take it as sexual

rejection which can be hurtful. Have a conversation with her if it happens again and tell her why you hold back. Honesty is best.

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If you're interested in her, you did make the wrong decision. The goal of a male-female romantic interaction is to enter into a sexual relationship. You had the opportunity to do so, and passed. You say you don't want to appear too available, but the context of this thought is completely misplaced. You don't want to appear too available before you have her interested. Once she's interested, this concept no longer applies. If she's asking you to have sex with her, she's already interested.

 

You missed your opportunity. Most girls will move on if they present themselves to you and you don't seal the deal. If you want her, you should try to have sex with her again soon. Otherwise she's going to move on; if it's not already too late.

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I may get some backlash for this, but I would say she isn't very good at self regulation and doesn't know what she wants.

It's good you didn't have sex with her, as you'll be the next guy she blames for 'screwing her over'.

 

Find someone consistent if you are looking for a gf.

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I have a friend who had a few drinks then very aggressively initiated sex with the man she was dating. He suggested waiting but she was very insistent.

 

Afterward, she accused him of taking advantage of her when she'd been drinking.

 

I think you did the right thing.

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I'd trust my intuition, and avoid having the idea of a booty call cloud my judgment. My guess is she's setting a trap, and hopefully you don't bite.

 

So you think she was testing me? She definitely wanted to and I admitted I did too..

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I may get some backlash for this, but I would say she isn't very good at self regulation and doesn't know what she wants.

It's good you didn't have sex with her, as you'll be the next guy she blames for 'screwing her over'.

 

Find someone consistent if you are looking for a gf.

 

I agree. She has issues to sort out, before venturing into a relationship.

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I think I sealed the deal in other areas but the sex.. it was very passionate and hot. She even mentioned how turned on she was and I was being a "tease". .....and the whole herpes thing. If I'm going to risk contracting the virus at least I'd like to know we are on the same page.

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She's not setting p a trap!!

Sportster2005 and itsallgrand nailed it.

 

She told you she jumps in and out of relationships, this is probably how she ends up doing it. She doesn't seem to have self control. Let me be clear, of course she initiated sex with alcohol involved but the chances are pretty high that either she can't handle her drinking and leads herself in these unsafe behaviors or she might even initiate sex sober because of her lack of self control. You made the right call of not having sex with an intoxicated person, that's a fact. Just be sure of what you want from this girl and proceed with cautious, because she's going to need help on working on herself. If you're up to it, have fun, if not, it's ok to bail.

 

Also, you said younger woman, how old is she?

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Ah, yes she is young, although this behavior isn't just a young people's characteristic. If she doesn't figure out what she wants and be sure about her decisions, she's into a tough ride. I would strongly advise therapy. I wish I went at that age, I would've avoided a lot!

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She actually goes to therapy already. She mentioned after she contracted herpes she started seeing a therapist. Said she felt like damaged goods. It seems to be helping. She was probably the warmest to me she's been since we started dating.

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I think you did the right thing, too. I don't think she was trying to 'trap' you. But I do think she needs to figure out what she wants in life. Personally, I wouldn't wait around too much longer. Some people get it together early; some take their sweet time (like me!). Preserve your own peace of mind.

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Ever since the hook up she has made no effort to imitate any contact and I've been carrying the weight texting her most days. I called her up last night to make plans for the weekend and she said she may go out of town..but would let me know if she could hang during the week.

 

like I said earlier. I do not feel valued in this. Sure I'd like to take it slow but it's gotta be closer to 50/50 on interest level. Not sure if the juice is worth the squeeze.

 

My plan is to just sit back and date other women for the time being. It felt so good to get off the phone and just decide that I needed to move on for my own sake.

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