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I feel like I am better than the guy I am dating in every way :(


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So as I am nearing 40 and am single, my options are growing increasingly limited. My main problem is that I have a lot going for me: I am attractive, fit, highly educated, earn a 6 figure salary, own my home, have no baggage in terms of kids/ ex husbands and no addictions. I have a lot of disposable income and like to travel several times a year. I have been trying to find someone who will be my equal but guys that are single in similar age range are basically messes. Either they are going through nasty divorces and broke, or they are recovering alcoholics or are permanently unemployed or look as old as my dad.

 

I have tried to lower my standards and basically accepted that what I want (my equal) is not possible to find at my age. So I have been seeing someone for the last 3-4 weeks. But...he is short (barely my height, good-bye heels), he was an alcoholic but has been sober for 2 years, has a low paying job and lives in a really poor area. I know this sounds horrible but I can't get over a feeling that I bring so much more to the table. I enjoy spending time with him but...this weekend for example I am flying to a tropical island by myself and he can't even afford a return flight. So it's like if I want to date him long term, I will have to stop doing a lot of things that I enjoy (and have worked so hard for) or pay for him (which I refuse to do).

 

I don't really know what to do. How do I make myself be happy with dating what's available? It's not just this guy, it's been happening for the last 5 years. I realize that older women are less attractive to men due to age but damn it..is it really a choice between this a being single forever?

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Don't be with a guy if you're gonna look down on him.

 

I know it's hard to find someone as we get older. I'm around your age and yes it's hard. But. If you look at it that way, the men who are single at our age are a mess, then what does that make us? Maybe some people find us a mess even if it doesn't show under our incomes/houses/fitness or whatever. Dig deeper on that and maybe you will lower your standards towards the right direction and not cutting off inches of their body height. It takes strength to be sober for 2 years.

 

What are you looking for in a guy?

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Join an elite dating service where the people are screened and portfolios are put together by them.

Not everyone in your age range or older is like the men you meet, you just happen to only be meeting those types.

Stay single until you encounter what you desire, because if you're feeling it with someone, then you're basically single anyway. Try going to more upscale places in wealthier towns near you, and events held by them. Casinos too, although

you risk getting picked up by a gambling man lol. And you're right, I notice many middle aged men want young girls,

25-30 when looking to date.

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So as I am nearing 40 and am single, my options are growing increasingly limited. My main problem is that I have a lot going for me: I am attractive, fit, highly educated, earn a 6 figure salary, own my home, have no baggage in terms of kids/ ex husbands and no addictions. I have a lot of disposable income and like to travel several times a year. I have been trying to find someone who will be my equal but guys that are single in similar age range are basically messes. Either they are going through nasty divorces and broke, or they are recovering alcoholics or are permanently unemployed or look as old as my dad.

 

I have tried to lower my standards and basically accepted that what I want (my equal) is not possible to find at my age. So I have been seeing someone for the last 3-4 weeks. But...he is short (barely my height, good-bye heels), he was an alcoholic but has been sober for 2 years, has a low paying job and lives in a really poor area. I know this sounds horrible but I can't get over a feeling that I bring so much more to the table. I enjoy spending time with him but...this weekend for example I am flying to a tropical island by myself and he can't even afford a return flight. So it's like if I want to date him long term, I will have to stop doing a lot of things that I enjoy (and have worked so hard for) or pay for him (which I refuse to do).

 

I don't really know what to do. How do I make myself be happy with dating what's available? It's not just this guy, it's been happening for the last 5 years. I realize that older women are less attractive to men due to age but damn it..is it really a choice between this a being single forever?

 

This might be a surprise for you, but most men don't really give importance to all you're stating, education, money, house, exes etc. , that's actually what men think they need to attract women... so weird !

We are visual creatures won't deny this, but it doesn't go above all other attributes that most men search within women and what these things are, is someone who accepts you and will be caring, have this

female grace while still taking care of her stuff and taking responsibilities. Someone feminine but not trash, with whom you feel on a feet of equality and share things in life making the relationship a priority

and will challenge you on your crap, to make you grow.

 

I don't want to be rude, but could it be that to be this successful woman, you became more aggressive and pushy, but the good men out there actually feel this and it doesn't fit in the graceful feminine

woman I talked about !? So you then attract all the "messes" men who are more open to date any women they can, I'm only 35 but I can tell you I hear such stories all the time, even with all the equality

that now women have in society, most men want women who they feel have this feminine energy and they don't need to compete with their GFs in the relationship, it's a partnership.

 

I had some dates with women that I think are like you and let me tell you, I thought I was having a job interview, the women were so aggressive I wanted to leave, not because I can't handle a strong and

independent woman as some want to think, but really because it's completely unattractive to me.

 

Now think about this please, I'm not attacking you personally just challenging your views and you might benefit from thinking about it, if I'm right !

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I started dating my husband when I was 39. We'd dated in the past. You and I have the same "on paper" stuff (I didn't own a home, I rented in a major city teeming with singles). Here are our relevant differences: I didn't get involved with people I didn't respect and admire, I didn't date men who had kids with very rare exception because at that age I wasn't interested in taking that on and wanted my own child, I preferred men who were shorter than average (I am petite and my preference increased the dating pool quite a bit - I also dated tall men and that was fine but I was more drawn to men who weren't very tall).

 

I did date a recovering addict three or four times and did not feel better than him but was very worried about how short a time he'd been off drugs.

 

I met many good guys/quality men - meaning what you would agree were - after age 35 especially - and yes the men who wanted to date someone in my age range and were ok with the bio clock situation - limited the dating pool. I met men through dating sites, work, volunteer work, friends, colleagues, and while on vacation. I was very proactive and treated it like a part time job.

 

I have known my husband for many years. I've always admired him for several reasons including his career/education-related accomplishments which I continue to admire and respect. I always admired and respected his character and integrity even though sometimes I need him to step up to the plate more in certain situations -I add that because it's more of an overall thing - overall I respect and admire him and in certain instances I haven't agreed with his choices but I didn't question his overall character/integrity or my respect for him. It's all a balance.

 

As far as financially I always wanted someone financially stable and was ok with the guy making less than me if I respected his financial values and he was employed or just temporarily unemployed. One thing I did for about 10 plus years before I married was make sure to build a nest egg so that if I married someone who made less than me and I wanted to be at home full time with a child, I could contribute to the family income. For most of the time I did that, I was single.

 

So I would not settle for someone I did not respect or admire. See if your list of musts can be shortened without settling. Yes it can be done and not from a cynical mindset of "no guys available"

(also after grad school I moved about 10 miles to a major city to make sure I maximized my chances of meeting people). Good luck!

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You lost me at 'but he is short, barely my height. Good bye heels'.

If that's seriously a high priority for you, you are getting in your own way imo and aren't really serious about finding love.

 

I was dating in my later 30s as a woman when I found my now fiancé. I didn't have any divorces nor kids, and preferred to find someone who didn't as well ( but was somewhat open, if it was the right person). I'm not as loaded as you, but I'm a pretty good catch. While I found some limitations, I didn't find things nearly as bleak as you see it. There are good men out there!

 

Sometimes it helps to get down to basics about what is really important to you. Also is having a family important to you? I found many men in this age group who were keen to have that option still. If that's not for you, dating older may widen the pool too.

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Hell. 40 is not old these days. It's the new 30. I'm 43 (recently divorced) and just started seeing this guy who is in his mid 30's. He is a refreshing change from the last guy I dated. He has a good paying job, he's smart, mature and well adjusted.

What I'm saying is if you have standards, there is nothing wrong with that.

He's out there.

Meanwhile, enjoy your singularity. You are not old and have plenty of time to find the right one.

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This post is a textbook example of female hypergamy. Women tend to look for a man of at least equal status--preferably higher--and are rather loathe to date or marry "down." Men tend to be far more flexible. It's not at all unusual to see a male doctor married to a female nurse; it's pretty unusual to see a female doctor married to a male nurse.

 

The problem is that in our modern world--a world in which 62% of college students are women and women under 30 are now out-earning men their age--many women have unfortunately largely priced themselves out of the market.

 

Unfortunately for you, that tall, handsome, successful 40-year-old man who you feel would be at your level is focused in on the under 35 crowd, because, frankly, he can afford to be.

 

So what is the answer for you? For one thing please let the man you are seeing go. Nobody needs to spend his/her life being looked down on. Then just keep trying while not being obsessed over it. There are so many niche dating sites out there now that I'll bet you can find one that caters to your needs and wants.

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This post is a textbook example of female hypergamy. Women tend to look for a man of at least equal status--preferably higher--and are rather loathe to date or marry "down." Men tend to be far more flexible. It's not at all unusual to see a male doctor married to a female nurse; it's pretty unusual to see a female doctor married to a male nurse.

 

The problem is that in our modern world--a world in which 62% of college students are women and women under 30 are now out-earning men their age--many women have unfortunately largely priced themselves out of the market.

 

Unfortunately for you, that tall, handsome, successful 40-year-old man who you feel would be at your level is focused in on the under 35 crowd, because, frankly, he can afford to be.

 

So what is the answer for you? For one thing please let the man you are seeing go. Nobody needs to spend his/her life being looked down on. Then just keep trying while not being obsessed over it. There are so many niche dating sites out there now that I'll bet you can find one that caters to your needs and wants.

 

Exactly, but what is crucial is most good 40yo old men want someone stable for a partnership, they value other attributes than what the typical "successful career" woman considers makes her so high status,

because they usually have those attributes themselves, so they don't need these women... it might be difficult to hear for some, but you can't change what people want !

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A whole lot of people would consider 40 with no marriage or children under someone's belt its own kind of baggage, not that I personally subscribe to that as a rule.

 

I think she said she wasn't quite 40 lol. When I was almost 39, and single/never married/no children a famous matchmaker got on the phone with me (because I had been speaking with her staff concerning their misleading invitations sent to me) and she said "good luck finding a man in [my major city]"). She was obnoxious and she was right because after dating in my major city for decades, t he man I married was in my city at the time but not living permanently there. There is that stigma -more about men than women because the assumption was that women have to wait to be picked so it was more like "why hasn't anyone proposed?" (well they had but they were not for me).

 

I agree with letting the man loose -let someone who does respect and admire him pair up with him.

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I have to say, I'm always suspicious when someone posts about how wonderful they are and yet are having such a difficult time finding someone suitable. Aside from the qualities you listed, what is your personality like? Are you in a good place mentally? Do you have low self esteem?

 

Krankor is right. The male version of you has plenty of options to date younger women, and why wouldn't he? That might seem unfair, but the dating decks are stacked against many men when they are in their 20's. I don't think you need to let go of all your standards, but I think you need to be more flexible on the superficial things like him being shorter than you in heels.

 

There are dating sites especially catered to attractive, educated, high status people. Have you thought about giving that ago?

 

Also, let the guy you are dating find someone who doesn't think they are superior to him.

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"I have to say, I'm always suspicious when someone posts about how wonderful they are and yet are having such a difficult time finding someone suitable. Aside from the qualities you listed, what is your personality like? Are you in a good place mentally? Do you have low self esteem? "

 

Yes, I think compatible education/financial values/backgrounds help a lot but I love the qualities listed here. They come in handy for example when your son has a stomach bug, your husband knows you're fine with several bodily fluids with the marked exception of vomit, and takes it upon himself to teach said son how to make it to the bathroom in time, not be scared, etc. And that's not about his academics/prestige/financial attributes/or height (in fact short is probably better if you're helping a little person with that um skill) - at that moment -and there are several of such moments and not all parenting-related - it's about his personality, being a good partner,etc (I am Type A and married a Type B which has more upsides than downsides).

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I dunno, not to toot my own horn, but I'm also a few years shy of 40 and I always seem to attract successful guys.

 

I just ended a 4-month RL last weekend with a good looking doctor and my last relationship before him was with a successful attorney. My long term ex, to whom I was engaged, is a successful contractor with two businesses.

 

I'm not even looking for a successful guy, per se, to me it's a bonus. And not that it matters, but I was the one who ended those relationships, in case you were wondering.

 

The qualities I desire in a man go *far deeper* than success, how tall he is (eye roll) or anything else superficial.

 

Physical attraction is important but if he's lacking in the fundamental qualities I seek (emotional depth being high on the list), he's not a good fit for me. No matter how good looking, successful, or tall he is.

 

Truth! Which is why I ultimately ended those relationships. But that's just me. Course you have to do you.

 

But why can't you wear heels? You don't want to appear taller than him? Why not? Just curious.

 

I firmly believe we attract who we "are."

 

You may be physically attractive and look great on paper, but perhaps something *within* is lacking or needs improvement which is preventing you from attracting the type of men you desire who aren't "messes."

Edited by katrina1980
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I dunno, not to toot my own horn, but I'm also a few years shy of 40 and I always seem to attract successful guys.

 

I just ended a 4-month RL last weekend with a good looking doctor and my last relationship before him was with a successful attorney. My long term ex, to whom I was engaged, is a successful contractor with two businesses.

 

I'm not even looking for a successful guy, per se, to me it's a bonus. And not that it matters, but I ended those relationships.

 

The qualities I desire in a man go *far deeper* than success, how tall he is (eye roll) or anything else superficial.

 

Truth! Which is why I ultimately ended those relationships.

 

And why can't you wear heels anymore? You don't want to appear taller than him? Why not?

 

We attract who we "are."

 

You may be physically attractive and look great on paper, but perhaps something *within* is lacking or needs improvement which is preventing you from attracting high quality guys who aren't "messes."

 

To be fair, some guys prefer that the woman not be taller if possible (my husband is not like that and did date at least one woman seriously who was quite a bit taller than him without heels). I did care about someone being compatible to me in terms of education/financial values/career - but compatible, not superior. I didn't care about rich but I did care about financial stability since that was important to me and I was on my own, financially independent.

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Yeah, I realize we are all different and seek different qualities; I modified my post to reflect that.

 

Re a guy not preferring a woman being taller, well that alone speaks volumes in my opinion.

 

A strong secure confident guy wouldn't care, which is my point.

 

If I ever dated a man my height or shorter (I am 5'6") and I showed up in heels and he felt uncomfortable, perhaps even asking/telling me to change to flats or lower heel so I wouldn't be taller, HUGE turn off, for ME.

 

It tells me he's insecure and not comfortable in his own skin, which is super important to ME.

 

My point in my previous post is that when women (or men) are not attracting the types of people they want, to look WITHIN.

 

*That's* where the answer is, not that there are no "great" guys out there ("great" being subjective of course). Or that all guys are "messes."

 

Believe me, after this last experience, I certainly am!

Edited by katrina1980
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Are you looking ONLY for 40-year old men, or are you widening that gap (30-50, maybe?) - heck, there are some 60-year old guys that look better than some 30-year olds, so it's really just about what you're into and what you find attractive at that point.

 

I don't think you need to settle - at any point in your life.

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Yeah, I realize we are all different and seek different qualities; I modified my post to reflect that.

 

Re a guy not preferring a woman being taller, well that alone speaks volumes in my opinion.

 

A strong secure confident guy wouldn't care, which is my point.

 

If I ever dated a man my height or shorter (I am 5'6") and I showed up in heels and he felt uncomfortable, perhaps even asking/telling me to change to flats or lower heel so I wouldn't be taller, HUGE turn off, for ME.

 

My point is that when women (or men) are not attracting the types of people she/he wants to look WITHIN.

 

Believe me, after this last experience, I certainly am!

 

Absolutely, when some friends ask me what my type of woman is, I never get it ! I don't care about wanting special physical features, I want someone smart, empathetic and feminine, it's stupid to limit yourself just with only dating short/tall, blond/brunette, or rich/poor people, it's reducing people to objects in my mind !

 

And are we really conciously able, to know what type of person would make us happy, without trying a bit !? I don't think so.

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I am very leery of anyone making self proclaiming statements of their awesomeness yet complain that they are alone.

 

Guess what? What you consider great doesn't much matter in a relationship in regards to how you are perceived. What the other person thinks is great is of much bigger concern.

 

I imagine with your inflated sense of self many men you date will get worn down by your superiority complex.

 

I am a successful male in my 30s. I keep in good shape because it is important to me. I am well educated with a great job. I am honestly a bit full of myself even of I am only 5'9".

 

But I have never thought my partner wasn't my equal, if I did I wouldn't have them as a partner, because after all, partner implies equality in my mind.

 

I think you are only going to attract people who seek to take advantage of your situation (economically) or pathetic guys who take your arrogant disrespect.

 

A decent guy will probably feel your superiority issues and not want much to do with it.

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Absolutely, when some friends ask me what my type of woman is, I never get it ! I don't care about wanting special physical features, I want someone smart, empathetic and feminine, it's stupid to limit yourself just with only dating short/tall, blond/brunette, or rich/poor people, it's reducing people to objects in my mind !

 

And are we really conciously able, to know what type of person would make us happy, without trying a bit !? I don't think so.

 

I agree with this so much. Finding that special person who has the inner qualities and core conpatibilities is difficult enough!

To then narrow that down to very specifics about the outer package seems to me to be fighting against actually finding love.

Then again, I never did have strong preferences on things like height or race or hair/no hair. A lot of people do, and that's almost unrelatable to me because I find so many people outwardly attractive ( kid in a candy store of life).

 

Then again too, for some people the inner doesn't matter so much so long as the outside fits - the lifestyle, the looks.

So I'm not sure exactly what OPs must haves really are?

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Yeah, I realize we are all different and seek different qualities; I modified my post to reflect that.

 

Re a guy not preferring a woman being taller, well that alone speaks volumes in my opinion.

 

A strong secure confident guy wouldn't care, which is my point.

 

If I ever dated a man my height or shorter (I am 5'6") and I showed up in heels and he felt uncomfortable, perhaps even asking/telling me to change to flats or lower heel so I wouldn't be taller, HUGE turn off, for ME.

Yup, and as it should. I'm 5'7" so women being taller than me in heels has pretty much always been part of the equation. Not a problem at all for me. If anything, I'm thankful for the privilege of their boobs being that many inches closer to eye-level. But I could count on two hands and two feet how many women I know or have known who wouldn't wear heels if it made them taller because they don't want to be taller than the guy.
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You seem to pick guys you look down on and want to control and feel superior to. You claim you have this high criteria, but seem to scrape the bottom of the barrel repeatedly, then complain what losers they are and feel sorry for yourself. Sorry to be this straight but you are the common denominator. It seems with all your disposable income some therapy for insight and to address this intense insecurity about your age etc. would be well spent.

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