I cannot understand my ex-wife's logic

[askdan]

The scenario is getting more ridiculous each year.

 

I got married in 2008 with a woman who has been pursuing me for nearly 2 years. Fast-forward 6 years later, she becomes obsessed with divorce and is pursuing this with a tunnel vision.

 

So, I gave her what I wanted, and went along with her request in 2016. I signed the papers, and we are now divorced.

 

So while my ex-wife is still single to this day, I am now in a new relationship with a woman and we are getting married at Church later this year. So I am in the process of what we call a Marriage Annulment, which is a mandatory step to get married in a Catholic Church.

 

When I kindly requested my ex-wife for her cooperation in this process, she became very vengeful and vindictive. She calls this a ''farce'' and that I am going to church to ''badmouth'' her. So I tried to calmly rationalize with her and explain to her that this was simply a formal church process, that I was not going to church to give a testimony, but to no avail. It's like she doesn't want me to move on and be happy.

 

If she was so hell-bent on getting a divorce 4 years ago, why is she so upset that I go ahead with a Catholic marriage and proceed with a formal annulment of our marriage? I tried to explain to her that she should see this as a formal last step to divorce, but all of a sudden it's like the tables have turned, and she won't cooperate.

 

I am really scratching my head on this one. Any idea why a woman would turn from being pro-divorce to wanting to prevent her ex-husband from moving on? Has anyone been through any similar experiences?

 

Very confused...:suspicion:

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't want to accommodate you. Can you get married civilly? Is your fiance cooperative? It may not be worth everything being contingent on your ex and all the ensuing drama.

[Liraele]

The only thing I can come up with is that a divorce is proof that the marriage existed... an annulment is more like it never did/never was.

 

Or she just simply doesn't want to be bothered 4 years later with something she thought was already done.

 

Only she really knows the reasons why she's acting the way she is.

[ThatwasThen]

Are you planning on getting married in the Church that she goes to?

[askdan]

Not planning on getting married in the same church. She doesn't go to church, and rejects God.

[reinventmyself]

Depending on where you live, getting divorced is just a legal matter.

In the eyes of the church getting annulled is a personal matter and don't you have to divulge the personal reasons as to why?

If she was confident in her reasons to want the divorce to begin with, then she should care.

Just for the sake of peace assure her of the reasons you will state to get the annulment. Let her be part of the disclosure?

 

Or- Sometimes, ego is a petty little monster that doesn't like to see the other person happy. Even if they themselves didn't want them.

Nothing you can do about that.

[shessofly]

So have you thought about plan B? Because it doesn't sound like she is going to cooperate.

[askdan]

She was so obsessed at ending this marriage. We did it with the Court, now I want to do it with the Church. Sounds strange all of a sudden that she is putting the breaks on that.

[annie24]

IMHO, you should make plans to get married elsewhere. Like someone else said, an annulment basically means that the marriage never happened, which to me is fine, if you find out after 2 weeks that they're hiding a big secret they never told you about or something of the sort. But after 2 years of marriage, I'm not sure how you can pretend it didn't happen or sign a paper basically erasing your previous marriage. Not saying it was a happy marriage, just that it wasn't a fake marriage.

 

You can still get legally married to your new woman outside of the church.

[annie24]

She was so obsessed at ending this marriage. We did it with the Court, now I want to do it with the Church. Sounds strange all of a sudden that she is putting the breaks on that.

 

In hindsight, you should have asked for a church annulment at the same time you had the court divorce. I can't say that I would be super cooperative either if someone wanted another divorce 2 years after the legal divorce.

 

May I ask what happened that she went from super into you to super wanting to get away from you?

[Wiseman2]

She has no reason or incentive to go through that hassle to appease you and your fiance. How much does your fiance even care about this? Has she noticed how you are blaming your ex for everything? All you are doing is engaging in ongoing post-divorce conflict. You still seem angry about your divorce, you are blaming her for delaying your marriage when in reality you could marry civilly tomorrow. Perhaps premarital counselling is a better option, you'll have to do it anyway if you want to get married in a church.

She was so obsessed at ending this marriage. We did it with the Court, now I want to do it with the Church.

[catfeeder]

There are some churches based on Catholicism that have broken with Rome on the second marriage thing, among other dogmatic rules, and they still refer to themselves as Catholic. I'd research that and go there, instead.

 

It makes no sense to plan a future that rests on the cooperation of an ex to erase your past. The only valid entanglements beyond settling property would be children. The rest is just chips falling where they must, and apparently, you must move forward in a way that frees you from ex rather than attempting to manipulate her into something she's not willing to do.

 

Head high, and best wishes on your new marriage.

[abitbroken]

I know people who have been through the process/have been myself.

 

I suggest that you keep your ex at arm's length and don't entertain any communication. She is allowed to communicate with the council only. Don't have side dialogue with her. The tribunal will make a decision whether she is happy about it or not. It does not mean that the marriage never took place - just that's in a state of nullility. I am surprised that they allowed you to set a wedding date before this was taken care of unless the date is only in your minds and you have not officially set it. If you are Catholic and married outside the church without dispensation, it will be a lot easier to obtain whether she cooperates or not. It is actually a very compassionate process and if she answers the forms truthfully, that is all that can be expected.

 

As far as her behavior - who can say. Only she can. So just lay off of her and don't communicate with her at this point.

[Carus]

Sometimes, ego is a petty little monster that doesn't like to see the other person happy. Even if they themselves didn't want them.

Nothing you can do about that.

I'm going with this^

 

If your exwife is still single and not having the best time in life, then seeing you getting happily married again is definitely going to trigger jealousy and/or envy...

 

Still, good for you*

 

Carus*

[annie24]

I'm going with this^

 

If your exwife is still single and not having the best time in life, then seeing you getting happily married again is definitely going to trigger jealousy and/or envy...

 

Still, good for you*

 

Carus*

 

but seriously, they are already divorced and have been for a while. I don’t necessarily think the ex-wife is bitter, but that the process of getting divorce part 2 in no way benefits her and she’s moved on. She has no reason to help him out here. I’d be annoyed if an ex from 2 years ago called me asking for a favor as well.

 

I dont really understand the church annulment thing. I see online that it can be also done without your ex’s permission. You don’t actually need her, but you do have to pay a $200-$1000 fee for the annulment paperwork, which honestly sounds like a dumb scam to me. Granted I’m not religious but the whole concept of filing paperwork to invalidate your previous marriage and paying a fee so it’s ok with God strikes me as a money grab.