Jump to content

Told guy 2 years ago I wanted to be platonic...realized I like him- Help?


WonderfulLife
 Share

Recommended Posts

I've known a guy for almost 4 years. We used to be flirty...at some point we did a friends with benefits booty call thing, then I cut that off and said I just wanted to be friends. That was 2 years ago. I've recently realized I like him. But how the heck to I approach it? We live several hours away and both have busy careers. Recently he drove a ridiculous way to spend a day with me, and it hit me how much I like him, and how much I've been trying to stay platonic.

 

Is there any way back where I can say something and get a good result (i.e. dating)? Or am I screwed since I told him before I just wanted things to be platonic?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why don't you just be honest with him? But, before you do you best think hard on what you actually want. This guy lives "several hours away" and just how well are you going to be able to nurture the relationship with you being so far away and you both "have busy careers?"

 

Did you have sex with him when he drove a ridiculous way to spend a day with you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would just say "Hey, you remember how I told you I wanted to keep things platonic? Yeah, about that..."

 

My guess--and I could be way off--he'll be very glad to hear it. I mean, the guy is still going way out of his way to spend time with you. It sounds as if he's still hopeful.

 

However, TWT does have a point: could this really work out given the logistics? Just something to think about before you go forward. But if you do decide to go forward, just be direct.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why don't you just be honest with him? But, before you do you best think hard on what you actually want. This guy lives "several hours away" and just how well are you going to be able to nurture the relationship with you being so far away and you both "have busy careers?"

 

Did you have sex with him when he drove a ridiculous way to spend a day with you?

 

No...we kissed and watched a movie and spent the night. No sex. He also took me out for my birthday a few weeks prior. I travel most weekends and a decent amount during the week with work. So I don't mind the idea of traveling, and I don't mind his city.

 

I'm worried he'll think I'm insane if I do a 180 turn from saying "we're platonic" to "I like you and would like to date you."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would just say "Hey, you remember how I told you I wanted to keep things platonic? Yeah, about that..."

 

My guess--and I could be way off--he'll be very glad to hear it. I mean, the guy is still going way out of his way to spend time with you. It sounds as if he's still hopeful.

 

However, TWT does have a point: could this really work out given the logistics? Just something to think about before you go forward. But if you do decide to go forward, just be direct.

 

Logistically I don't know. I think it could allow for it to develop at a slow pace that wouldn't be overwhelming. I'm worried I'm completely misreading the fact that he's willing to spend time with me and make an effort to do so. But he's made an effort to stay in touch for two years when sex hasn't been on the table. So really, I have no idea.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No...we kissed and watched a movie and spent the night. No sex. He also took me out for my birthday a few weeks prior. I travel most weekends and a decent amount during the week with work. So I don't mind the idea of traveling, and I don't mind his city.

 

I'm worried he'll think I'm insane if I do a 180 turn from saying "we're platonic" to "I like you and would like to date you."

 

This doesn't exactly sound platonic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This doesn't exactly sound platonic.

 

No it doesn't. You're crossing platonic relationship boundaries and you've likely caused him a whole lot of confusion with your mixed signals.

 

Have a candid talk with him if you want more and if he doesn't, then it's best you just drop the friendship that neither of you are able to keep simply platonic.

 

Let us know how he responds to your straight up request for more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've known a guy for almost 4 years. We used to be flirty...at some point we did a friends with benefits booty call thing, then I cut that off and said I just wanted to be friends. That was 2 years ago. I've recently realized I like him. But how the heck to I approach it? We live several hours away and both have busy careers. Recently he drove a ridiculous way to spend a day with me, and it hit me how much I like him, and how much I've been trying to stay platonic.

 

Is there any way back where I can say something and get a good result (i.e. dating)? Or am I screwed since I told him before I just wanted things to be platonic?

 

Interesting, although what made you change his mind about him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the feedback y'all. It's difficult seeing it in black and white; I feel so stupid, but I appreciate your input immensely, because (clearly) I don't have a clue about how this stuff works.

 

I don't want to trouble y'all anymore, but is this a conversation to have over the phone, or in person? Or does it matter?

 

Kissing and spending the night is far from platonic.

 

This doesn't exactly sound platonic.

 

You're crossing platonic relationship boundaries and you've likely caused him a whole lot of confusion with your mixed signals.

 

Platonic was something I said to him after something transpired between us and I said I wouldn't ever have sex with him again. He apologized and said we could do that. But I've kept my (physical) distance for basically 2 years. And he's tried to get me to spend time for the past 2 years with limited success.

 

What are you afraid of?

I'm scared that I've hurt him by not realizing that I care for him - which is why I want to tell him now. But I'm also scared he'd think I was being utterly ridiculous, that he wouldn't feel the same, or that he'd just want to hook up.

 

Why after all this time did you have this realization? Does he want that as well?

 

what made you change his mind about him?

He's been remarkably consistent, and shown me that he's heard my feedback (i.e. from an off the cuff remark about my liking when he dresses up; to the bigger stuff like - if plans change and you can't make it, call in advance) and made changes (/make comments about 'this is how much I like you - I'm doing x'); he is professionally supportive and helpful; and he teases me, but doesn't make me feel stupid (we're in the same field but he has a few more years experience).

 

It hit home when he came to visit, because he showed that he wanted to make the effort to come see me. I live somewhere really far out of the way. After an exhausting couple weeks work on location, he drove 5 hours to see me. He lives only 3 hours from where he was working, and he had something pop up on his way to see me. It would have been super convenient for him to cancel and just go home. But he didn't. Seeing him sat there that night I felt giddy and yet incredibly at ease. I didn't want it to end. It felt like all was right with the world.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
No it doesn't. You're crossing platonic relationship boundaries and you've likely caused him a whole lot of confusion with your mixed signals.

 

Have a candid talk with him if you want more and if he doesn't, then it's best you just drop the friendship that neither of you are able to keep simply platonic.

 

Let us know how he responds to your straight up request for more.

 

I told him I wanted to go on a date. He's really busy with work now, but he said he would let me know when it gets more reasonable. Which, when I try and think all black and white, would make me think he's not interested in me like that. Except he made an offhand comment earlier in the night (which stunned me) about how he knows many things, but not how to make me happy. I guess time will tell?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I told him I wanted to go on a date. He's really busy with work now, but he said he would let me know when it gets more reasonable. Which, when I try and think all black and white, would make me think he's not interested in me like that. Except he made an offhand comment earlier in the night (which stunned me) about how he knows many things, but not how to make me happy. I guess time will tell?

 

Ok now I'm even more confused he has time to 'hang out' with no sex but doesn't have time to go on a date? Or was this messaging? Hmmm following the general 'rules' the fact that there was no follow up doesn't sound promising but maybe play things by ear and see if he comes around. He may be surprised.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He's really busy with work now, but he said he would let me know when it gets more reasonable.

 

I'll get back to you....hmmm That's what I say when I want to blow someone off.

 

about how he knows many things, but not how to make me happy.

 

Can't read his mind, but he sounds frustrated. If I were betting man, I'd put my money on "Ain't going to happen".

 

Total lack of enthusiasm.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok now I'm even more confused he has time to 'hang out' with no sex but doesn't have time to go on a date? Or was this messaging? Hmmm following the general 'rules' the fact that there was no follow up doesn't sound promising but maybe play things by ear and see if he comes around. He may be surprised.

 

He tried for sex in February and I told him I needed a little bit more time...I couldn't go 0 to 100 in one day. And the context re: how that conversation happened: I'd invited him out with a bunch of people to an event. He was sick but pushed through and came out. After we left the event, he suggested we grab a few drinks at a bar he likes, and it was as the evening was winding down that I told him I wanted to go on a date. When we parted ways I got a kiss on the side of the lips (which I'm grateful for b/c I didn't want to get sick).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'll get back to you....hmmm That's what I say when I want to blow someone off.

 

Can't read his mind, but he sounds frustrated. If I were betting man, I'd put my money on "Ain't going to happen".

 

Total lack of enthusiasm.

 

I really appreciate your insight, even if it's difficult to swallow.

 

Edit: Anything I can do to ease his frustration?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was curious to ask what made you change your mind about him and the reason I ask is I ve have a couple of girls who have changed their minds and come back.

One I was consistently in touch with and another I hadn't spoke to in years. From what you wrote it sounds like you like him now since hes shown you his supportive side and his actions. How he`s made the effort to come and see you from such a long way.

 

Now the interesting question. From the beginning why didn't you like him? Was it through time you got to know him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was curious to ask what made you change your mind about him and the reason I ask is I ve have a couple of girls who have changed their minds and come back.

One I was consistently in touch with and another I hadn't spoke to in years. From what you wrote it sounds like you like him now since hes shown you his supportive side and his actions. How he`s made the effort to come and see you from such a long way.

 

Now the interesting question. From the beginning why didn't you like him? Was it through time you got to know him?

 

Not sure I know why girls might change there mind..sorry I can't be of any help there.

 

tl;dr - I did like him initially, I though our connection was irreparably damaged 2 years ago...but with the benefit of hindsight, maybe it's just because I've been able to get over that issue and see that I still care about him.

 

the long answer - I've known him for 4 years. Initially we lived in different states and he came to visit, but then fell off the map so I assumed he didn't like me.

 

Two years ago after I broke up with another guy we did the short term friends with benefits booty call thing. Then he broke my trust so I stopped. I did everything to prevent him from being able to reach me (i.e. blocked his number). He waited until I did professional exams to get in touch and apologize, and he helped me professionally. I refused to see him in person for 1.5 years, but he would always answer my professional questions, or about other guys if I asked (although he would throw in things like "you don't have trouble with x with me."). He also kept trying to get me to go to his city and see him. I said if he wanted to see me, he could come to my city and stay in a hotel. I didn't think he ever would, so that was fine.

 

First realization that I might still have feelings was when he took me out for my birthday and made me feel special with little things. Then at the end of the night he hugged me (no kiss) ...and for the first time I felt safe with him. He later said he didn't kiss me because it was my night, not his.

 

Then when he made the effort to drive such a long way to come see me, he stayed in a hotel. He brought nice clothes to change into before dinner (because I once made a comment apparently), and I just had the most amazing time. Again, it was the little things: putting music on in the car that I like (which I know he doesn't like), remembering I like when he wears nice clothes/shoes and making a point to tell me ("this is how much I like you - I'm going to change clothes!"), talking about things we should do and the fact that I couldn't stop smiling and was dying to make out with him and hold his hand when laying beside him after all these years. That's when it hit home...and I had an 'ohhhh sugarrrr' moment...and came here for help so as to not screw it up! lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

from the story you just told it doesn't really sound like you messed things up. Sounds like he was perfectly ok with the status quo and may even be ' playing the role' you know 'you're so confusing' to let himself off the hook. From what I read you two started off as sexual and he never really pursurd a relationship, again sounds like he was content with the status quo. No big loss at least you can walk away knowing where he stands.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
from the story you just told it doesn't really sound like you messed things up. Sounds like he was perfectly ok with the status quo and may even be ' playing the role' you know 'you're so confusing' to let himself off the hook. From what I read you two started off as sexual and he never really pursurd a relationship, again sounds like he was content with the status quo. No big loss at least you can walk away knowing where he stands.

 

So I took this to heart when I initially read it. But in a strange twist of events, he made a date happen. He cooked for me, we did some menial tasks and I enjoyed his company, and he acquiesced and opened himself up to me. Now, I can't predict the future, but I'm pretty smitten with the turn of events.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 7 months later...
No it doesn't. You're crossing platonic relationship boundaries and you've likely caused him a whole lot of confusion with your mixed signals.

 

Have a candid talk with him if you want more and if he doesn't, then it's best you just drop the friendship that neither of you are able to keep simply platonic.

 

Let us know how he responds to your straight up request for more.

 

Ultimately after some good times, I think this is the path we're going down. He called me out of the blue a few weeks ago to tell me he has a girlfriend, but wants us to stay friends. I don't think that's in either of our best interests, so best to just say goodbye and appreciate the memories. Thank you for this advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...