Am I grieving the loss of power?

[MrJack101]

Two months ago I finally had the courage to put my foot down in a very one sided relationship. The relationship was about 7 months long. She did not contribute much at all, neither financially nor emotionally. She was always the one in power and she never told me she loved me or really cared about me. Yet I still loved her and was very open to her about that but it all felt very one sided, even the sex was all about her needs and not mine.

 

In December last year I finally had enough. I called her and broke up with her, telling her that I don't think there is a future.

 

Over the course of the following week we did not talk much at all. I send her one text becasue of some things she still had at my place. She responded and told me she missed me and it is very hard for her without me. I believed her and started thinking about the plans we had and I started to feel regret. I cried to myself a lot and I could feel the loss.

 

When she came to pick up her things I told her that I think that I made a mistake to leave her becasue I love her. She said she needs time to think about it. When she was about to leave I broke down in front of her crying and begging for another chance but she just walked away.

 

I sent her another text the next day to ask what her thoughts were and she did not respond to it, yet she kept texting me about other things that went on in her life. Just friendly stuff, nothing really romantic. I responded and tried to keep it friendly but never initiated anymore.

 

Then she called me and she told me that she cares about me as a friend but that she never loved me. I cried so hard and told her that we can work it out, but she said she had to go and hung up. She was very cold and she didn't show any emotion. It seemed like she enjoyed seeing me cry and that she wanted me to be hurt.

 

That was the last time I heard her voice. Over the past two months I kept sending her texts. And when I look back at them now I hate myself for the things I said. She rarely replied and two weeks ago she told me to move on and then blocked me off entirely. Then I got one last email from her saying that she hopes I can get over her soon, that she doesn't really care too much about what I had to say, and that she wishes me all the best.

 

Today when I look back at my actions, I regret having given up all this power. I handled this breakup so badly and I wish I had done things very differently. I think that if I had cut her off right away she would still be listening to me and I wouldn't have lost all of her. I would still have an equal amount of power. I never wanted it to be about that, but I feel that she made it about that by having continued her nice and friendly texts and then call me to tell me that I didn't mean anything to her. It feels like she enjoyed seeing me beg for her. It made her go from sad to happy in a very short time.

 

Lesson learned. From now on after a breakup I will make sure to make them feel like they didn't mean anything to me. If this is the best way to not lose control by making them doubt all we had, then I have learned a lot about how to handle these situations in the future. That's what she did to me and it totally shifted the power in her favour when I was the one who broke up. I just never had experienced these kinds of power dynamics and I was naive to believe that being nice and open with my feelings is the best way to handle this.

 

This whole experience changed me and my values and it is extremely hard to get over this. I now hate her yet she doesn't even care at all about how she made me feel. Does anyone know this feeling? Where does it come from? Is it really only about the loss of power or would I feel like this no matter how it had been handled? And how do I get over this?

[Hollyj]

I think that you are missing the most important part of all of this: She did not treat you well, or reciprocate any of your feelings. You need to address why you were in a relationship, that was unfulfilling and one-sided. You also need to understand why you would not expect more from a partner. You should have left this situation, long ago.

 

Time to focus on you. The relationship was never in balance. You should want more for yourself.

 

Relationships are not about power. They should be about respect, communication and fulfillment.

[milly007]

Don't be so hard in yourself. We've all given in and have done things when we felt vulnerable. You're human.

 

It sounds like she was manipulative and unthoughtful, and really only cared about herself.

 

And I'm guessing this is why you're bugged, because you feel like she manipulated you.

 

Let the thoughts of her and what happened with her go. It's in the past.

 

And whatever you do, don't let this experience make you cynical. Lots of great women out there who don't treat their SO's this way.

[Giblesp]

With this one it doesn't really matter. Have a look at what you've read, she isn't the nicest of people. Just remember this, it will help you get over it.

 

If you wnat a woman back after a break up, just tell her that and that we can never be friends. Then go NC forever if necessary, this is the only way. Begging and crying will never, ever get you anything and will make you look week. Doesn't matter with this one, but do remember it when you do meet someone special.

[DanZee]

You're just going through a bitter phase right now. Break ups are difficult. I think your ex was actually trying to make it easier for you by telling you she never really cared for you and she stopped contacting you and answering your texts. It's best that you stop contacting you and move on.

[MrJack101]

I wish it was just a bitter phase, but this has now been many months and I am still upset. I can't sleep and always try to understand her. My thoughts keep repeating and I haven't even heard from her yet. I can't even stop trying to contact her. Why would someone treat you this way after everything you did for them? She never paid a cent in rent or groceries and then she just cuts me off in the end. I do feel manipulated. Doesn't she see that her behaviour is hurting me and that she could do me a huge favor by giving me a moment to speak in a mature way? I mean she is almost 40. What does she gain by treating me this way? Why did she do this? Does anyone truly understand her motivations?

[reinventmyself]

Doesn't she see that her behaviour is hurting me and that she could do me a huge favor by giving me a moment to speak in a mature way? I mean she is almost 40. What does she gain by treating me this way? Why did she do this? Does anyone truly understand her motivations?

Because when someone is done with the relationship they are done with all the emotional exchanges too. Most people do not like conflict and rarely do they agree to sit still while their ex unloads on them all their transgressions.

 

You need to find a way to come to peace with this on your own.

At this point the only one who is hurting you. . is you.

I can't sleep and try to understand her

One of the biggest gifts I ever gave myself was letting go of the idea that I might be able to understand another persons position in things, especially when they are keeping it to themselves.

 

Knowing doesn't change the outcome, does it?

 

There are just some things in life that we will never understand.

Learn to be ok with that because you really don't have any other choice sometimes.

 

I can't even stop trying to contact her

If someone exhibits this kind of lack of self control, I wouldn't speak to them either. I am sorry, but it's true. Please stop.

[Wiseman2]

Breakups are messy. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just go forward and block and delete her and maintain strict no contact on all platforms.

[thealchemist]

Just harness that shame to ensure you don't make the same mistake again.

 

All you can do is learn from mistakes.

 

Otherwise your are just doomed to repeat it.

 

If it hurts enough that you learn then it was worth the experience.

[MrJack101]

I don't know. I feel like she was happy to see me suffer and did everything in her power to make it harder for me. As soon as she saw I was suffering she continued acting this way to hurt me more. She did the exact opposite things of what I asked her after the breakup. She kept making promises but then didn't keep any of them. She even tried to belittle me in front of common friends. My therapist says she is just a b*tch and that is the way I should look at this situation. (She knows her from previous conversations and never thought she was good for me because she was taking advantage and trying to change and manipulate me on a few occasions before). I don't know if she is a bad person, but part of me thinks that she behaved this way on purpose to hurt me. In a way I feel like I want revenge. I want her to feel what I felt, or at least regret having treated me this way. But I know that these thoughts are not healthy and I never wanted it to be this way. I wonder if that is what she wanted me to feel.

[boltnrun]

You can't make her feel anything.

 

Choosing to continue to hold on will only hurt you more.

 

Why not choose to move forward with your life?