Need FWB Advice

[Batya33]

I agree. I was talking more about the fact that some "casual sex arrangements" end up involving people acting like boyfriend and girlfriend (PDA, dates, cuddling, hanging out with each other's friends, conversations and emotionally intimacy, etc) when they're actually not. In this case he expressed that they're not and won't be. But these arrangements where people act like they are in a relationship but they're not, can make things even more confusing. Comfortable to a certain point for the one who doesn't want the relationship, but messy and confusing for the one who catches feelings. But once again, it's all about personal responsibility.

 

As to the rest I totally agree... the best course of action is to break up the arrangement with respect and try to move on. Staying and trying to interprete signs or trying to change their minds will never work. And as to changing their minds, why would they change their mind about wanting a relationship with that person if they can have the same benefits of having one without having to be on one and having to actually commit?

 

I don't think it's confusing in the least. I think the person who is being dishonest with himself/herself chooses to make it confusing by reading into "acting like a couple" to mean anything different from what was said in the first place. And choosing to react to feelings by sticking around and starting down the path of self-dishonesty instead of choosing self-care over fun/good sex with someone who doesn't want the same thing. If the woman or man can handle the feelings, fine. Often that's not the case. And no I don't believe anyone "catches feelings" -it's not a car wash with a passive participant. The person chooses to have intercourse and when she/he starts to feel attached and starts to want more, she chooses how to react to those feelings. The "catches feelings" is part of the passivity of "well it just happened" and "I couldn't help myself, I caught feelings".

[katrina1980]

Hi Batya, just curious about something.

 

People often post when they start to like someone, develop feelings for that person, they use the expression "catch feelings." A figure of speech.

 

You seem to object to that expression, which is fine, but wondering what would be the better way to express that in your opinion?

 

Simply say they have developed feelings even though "catch feelings" means the same thing?

 

I promise I am not being obtuse; I respect your opinions a lot, so just curious what you think would be a better way of saying it, since literally every time a poster uses the expression "catch feelings," you object to it. :)

 

I do agree that it's important to manage emotions in FWB situations or any situation really, but also agree with Annia that when a man's words don't match his actions it "can" be confusing.

 

It's important be pragmatic, however easier said than done sometimes especially when our silly emotions get in the way.

[Batya33]

Hi Batya, just curious about something.

 

People often post when they start to like someone, develop feelings for that person, they use the expression "catch feelings." A figure of speech.

 

You seem to object to that expression, which is fine, but wondering what would be the better way to express that in your opinion?

 

Simply say they have developed feelings even though "catch feelings" means the same thing?

 

I promise I am not being obtuse; I respect your opinions a lot, so just curious what you think would be a better way of saying it, since literally every time a poster uses the expression "catch feelings," you object to it. :)

 

I do agree that it's important to manage emotions in FWB situations or any situation really, but also agree with Annia that when a man's words don't match his actions it "can" be confusing.

 

It's important be pragmatic, however easier said than done sometimes especially when our silly emotions get in the way.

 

I follow actions first with one exception -if a man tells a woman (or vice versa) he does not want a relationship with her then the words take precedence over any other actions after that ,even acting like a couple. That's the only time I strongly advise listening to words first. For one thing a man/woman would never want someone he thought of as potentially relationship material or special in some way to be snapped up by someone else because he told her he didn't want a relationship with her when he did or when he thought there was a chance he might in the future. That would make no sense. And if the actions are confusing the person who is already sharing bodily fluids can ask directly "you say you don;t want a relationship with me and yet you [fill in the blanks]. No need to read tea leaves -if you're comfortable risking pregnancy (very often) or swapping fluids/having intercourse then why in the world wouldn't you ask that question? But I don't think it's necessary to ask the question because I think people who are available for a relationship and want one with the person they are having sex with would want that person to know ASAP and directly. (like in Harry Met Sally at the end LOL)

 

I think "I developed feelings" shows ownership and responsibility. It gives the mindset of understanding that part of it is not within one's control - lots of feelings just happen - and part of it is in a romantic relationship because you can choose to prevent those feelings much of the time -you can decide in advance (as I did, for example) that sex is likely to make you feel emotionally attached and so if you don't want to develop that attachment, keep your panties on.

 

I don't think I object to it "every time" - I do in situations where it seems like the poster is using that phrase as part of a general passivity and eschewing of responsibility for how a relationship is going.

 

Of course it's not easy when emotions get in the way - in many situations -and it simply has to be part of the balancing "am I up to the task of handling my silly emotions if I get involved with this person sexually".