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The case against No Contact


Tryingit
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This entire passage is so very well said, and exactly my attitude and how I choose to live my life.

 

I've been through hell and back too, especially in my last LTR, but hold no resentment or bitterness towards him whatsoever or ANY man, even the man who ghosted me.

 

Like you said, forgiveness (NOT to be confused with forgetting) is extremely healing.

 

I won't ever date the man who ghosted me again, won't ever forget how he just disappeared, and don't trust him (at least in that regard), but he had his reasons; I forgive him and as such am able to remain on friendly terms with him.

 

Bitterness, resentment destroys. It festers away inside you, like a poison infecting your entire being, your soul.

 

I read some of the posts on here, mostly from guys tbh (sorry guys) and it's just so sad. The bitterness, the utter hatred of women.

 

It's just seeping out of their pores. Again very sad.

 

Ya, I think forgiveness is often confused with letting people off the hook. Discernment. This person acted in a hurtful way, and because I'm an emotionally competent person, I'm going to practice forgiveness for my own peace of mind. For my own benefit...to release whatever emotion it brought up for me. Anything else = holding on. Rarely helpful. And, with the added benefit of releasing someone else too. Recognizing their humanity. Hey, you're human. You behaved poorly...and I won't soon forget it. But, I get it. Your behaviours are a reflection of your own inner world...and perhaps some trauma that you've yet to process. I wish you well on your journey.

 

Like you said...boundaries for someone who behaved poorly. But you can maintain your basic human kindness.

 

Pain makes people crazy though. The especially hostile emotions...they fester. You nailed it with that word. Schools should teach emotional competence!

 

Uh-oh...getting preachy.

 

Peace!!

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Krankor if this was a girl you were having a "relationship" with, for lets say a few months or longer, your reaction is totally understandable. I would, and have, reacted the same exact way!

 

In fact, after ending a RL that lasted longer than a few months, I have no desire to be "friends" with any of my ex's. I'm not angry at them, I just don't see any reason to be friends with them.

 

I was referring more to only having a few dates, and then deciding I wasn't "feeling it" so stopped dating him. Told him nicely I enjoyed meeting him but didn't wish to pursue further.

 

With the guy I mentioned earlier, we know the same people from a group we were both members of so knew we would be seeing each other on occasion. That is why I wished to remain on friendly terms.

 

Acquaintances at most, as I am with the man I dated in late 2016 who works in my building.

 

I am not "BFFs" with any man, regardless of whether we've dated, that particular dynamic has never worked for me.

 

Well, even though it was only a few dates and not a relationship, I think it's a lot of the same sort of thing. The guy was probably starting to really like you, probably thought you were on the same wavelength, you disappointed him, and now his attitude is "I don't need or want your pity friendship or even friendliness."

 

Probably not the most mature response but I think that's probably what's going on there.

 

In a way getting rejected after a few dates can be the toughest blow to the ego. It's one thing to ask a woman out and get rejected: "Oh well, you are going to swing and miss more often than hit. Her loss; she'd have liked me if she'd have given me a chance." Getting dumped after several months obviously hurts more but it isn't quite the same blow to the ego: "Well, her feelings fizzled eventually but at least she thought enough of me to enter a relationship with me."

 

But getting rejected after a few dates? That one's rough because it's easy to take it like "Well, I gave you a shot and you didn't make the cut. Sorry."

 

Not that you did anything wrong, of course. I just think that's what's going on.

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Well, with the guy who insisted on NC, I don't think I had done something awful, I certainly didn't abuse him and we weren't even exclusive so obviously no "cheating," but I suppose for some people simply not wanting to date them anymore constitutes (in their eyes) some egregious action that warrants never speaking to them again!

 

Their prerogative of course, whatever gets them through. lol

 

In all seriousness though, I sort of understand it, although could have done without the rudeness.

 

Fair! I was just referring to my own reasons for going NC (or not)... but it seems like no matter what the reason, people do NC or block when they are hurt or angry and don't want to deal with the other person. As the OP says, there are probably softer gentler ways of letting someone go.

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@Krankor, not to dispute what you're saying but in this guy's case, I don't think he felt any deep "connection" with me either. I am a pretty good judge of romantic "chemistry/energy" going on between two people, and trust me there wasn't any.

 

Perhaps he thought I was attractive and was hoping to have sex with me or something, so disappointed about that, but honestly I think the way he handled the rejection was more about his ego than any feelings he had developed for me.

 

Again it was only three dates, how attached can one get after only three dates?

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@Krankor, not to dispute what you're saying but in this guy's case, I don't think he felt any deep "connection" with me either. I am a pretty good judge of romantic "chemistry/energy" going on between two people, and trust me there wasn't any.

 

Perhaps he thought I was attractive and was hoping to have sex with me or something, so disappointed about that, but honestly I think the way he handled the rejection was more about his ego than any feelings he had developed for me.

 

Again it was only three dates, how attached can one get after only three dates?

 

I agree with you, its most likely a bruised ego.

My question is how are you defining your reaction?

 

You decided you didn't want to date anymore and then you decided you still wanted to be friends and when he said no thanks, you're offended.

 

Is hes kinda rude if he goes out of his way to make snide comments or side looks? Absolutely! But if hes just simply not interested in being around you, quite frankly it's his prerogative.

 

I personally don't see anything wrong with that.

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I agree with you, its most likely a bruised ego.

My question is how are you defining your reaction?

 

You decided you didn't want to date anymore and then you decided you still wanted to be friends and when he said no thanks, you're offended.

 

Is hes kinda rude if he goes out of his way to make snide comments or side looks? Absolutely! But if hes just simply not interested in being around you, quite frankly it's his prerogative.

 

I personally don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Well I am not really "offended," wrong word. More just baffled by his reaction since we did have a great rapport prior to dating (we are both members of the same meet-up group) and had only had three dates.

 

And actually he didn't say "no thanks," which would have been fine.

 

What he did say and I quote: "I don't want to be friends, I wanted to date you, I have enough friends!"

 

I'm sorry I just find that rude. If you don't, that's okay we all respond to things differently.

 

We also used to attend certain events as again we belong to the same meet up group. He went out of his way to ignore me, and yes has given me "looks" which I found rather immature, silly and unnecessary. Others noticed too; it became uncomfortable.

 

But Krankor explained, and ego or not, apparently he was either butt-hurt or doesn't handle rejection very well.

 

Anyway, this was also quite awhile ago, I don't even see him anymore as I've stopped going to the events.

 

I only brought it up to reference No Contact (which he took to the extreme imo considering we only had three dates - no sex) since that is the topic of this thread.

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Well I am not really "offended," wrong word. More just baffled by his reaction since we did have a great rapport prior to dating (we are both members of the same meet-up group) and had only had three dates.

 

And actually he didn't say "no thanks," which would have been fine.

 

What he did say and I quote: "I don't want to be friends, I wanted to date you, I have enough friends!"

 

I'm sorry I just find that rude. If you don't, that's okay we all respond to things differently.

 

We also used to attend certain events as again we belong to the same meet up group. He went out of his way to ignore me, and yes has given me "looks" which I found rather immature, silly and unnecessary. Others noticed too; it became uncomfortable.

 

But Krankor explained, and ego or not, apparently he was either butt-hurt or doesn't handle rejection very well.

 

Anyway, this was also quite awhile ago, I don't even see him anymore as I've stopped going to the events.

 

I only brought it up to reference No Contact (which he took to the extreme imo considering we only had three dates - no sex) since that is the topic of this thread.

 

So perhaps he really does have enough friends already and isn't interested in being your friend? He's being honest with you. That's a good thing:) At the same time, he's honouring himself and what he wants to do. You don't want to date him, and he doesn't want to be your friend. Neither person's desires are more important than the other person's. And maybe he avoids interactions/small-talk with women who he tried to date before because it's awkward or something. Who knows. But just try to accept it and let it go. Xx

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So perhaps he really does have enough friends already and isn't interested in being your friend? He's being honest with you. That's a good thing:) At the same time, he's honouring himself and what he wants to do. You don't want to date him, and he doesn't want to be your friend. Neither person's desires are more important than the other person's. And maybe he avoids interactions/small-talk with women who he tried to date before because it's awkward or something. Who knows. But just try to accept it and let it go. Xx

 

Thanks cutiepie, but this was "ages" ago, almost an entire year, I "let it go" a long time ago. :D

 

Again, the only reason I brought it up was to show how some people can take "no contact" (subject of this thread) to the extreme, which imho this guy did.

 

But you're right, he didn't want much to do with me after I rejected him, which was his right.

 

Could have done without the way he chose to express that, but if that's what he needed to do, so be it.

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Thanks cutiepie, but this was "ages" ago, almost an entire year, I "let it go" a long time ago. :D

 

Again, the only reason I brought it up was to show how some people can take "no contact" (subject of this thread) to the extreme, which imho this guy did.

 

But you're right, he didn't want much to do with me after I rejected him, which was his right.

 

Could have done without the way he chose to express that, but if that's what he needed to do, so be it.

 

Oftentimes what you see on the surface isn't the primary emotion. Someone once told me 'anger is just sad's bodyguard' when you drill down to the root. X

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  • 2 weeks later...
Oftentimes what you see on the surface isn't the primary emotion. Someone once told me 'anger is just sad's bodyguard' when you drill down to the root. X

 

Or hurt/pain?

 

I just broke up with my bf last week, he got angry too. I understood it though, and knew what he was actually feeling was sad, hurt, pain, and yes perhaps fear as well.

 

Women have a tendency to cry, men get angry.

 

My experience.

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Or hurt/pain?

 

I just broke up with my bf last week, he got angry too. I understood it though, and knew what he was actually feeling was sad, hurt, pain, and yes perhaps fear as well.

 

Women have a tendency to cry, men get angry.

 

My experience.

 

I heard a very interesting Ted talk some time ago and realized as a man how true it was, the psychologist said this all boils down to gender roles, we men aren't supposed to show emotions

the accepted responses for men in their roles, are anger or aggression, the accepted responses from women are crying and being sad.

So as long as the society doesn't really promote that men can be emotional, the outcome of rejecting a man will be that he will show compliance with the accepted man role with anger !

I know there are exceptions thank god, honestly it took me years to stop this anger and accept the pain and cry, I did this with experience but many men never get there...

 

Then for the contact and friends thing, my experience with the few women I accepted to stay friends with, is they never text or even talk to me if we cross paths, so based on this I am no

more wasting time on being friends after breakup, neither am I resentful at them, it really doesn't bring anything in my life to be friends.

But the only woman I broke up with, got angry and insulted me proceeded to block me from everything and still to this day if I see her, she gives me the death gaze, ridiculous all this did

is make me sure I had taken the right decision.

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OP some people need NC to heal. Breakups are a time to be selfish and look after yourself. If someone is doing it, there not doing it to you. They're doing it to move on. Don't take it personal. It's not a punishment. Well, it shouldn't be, but some people.....

 

And I think it varies with situation as well as the person. I've sometimes managed to stay friends with some women I dated. That usually means I dumped them, or wasn't really attached to them if they dumped me.

 

If my gf dumped me tomorrow I would be devastated. I would go NC and block her. Not for punishment. I don't get angry. It's not about anger, it's about allowing myself to move on. I usually eventually reconnect with old loves. But in the short term I don't want to hear from them or see them.

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