I desperately need help

[lostbutinlove]

First time here, and I wanted to truly thank anyone out there reading this. It has been truly hard for me and I dont have anyone to talk to about this.

 

Ill get right into it: I am a 31 year old male from Southern California, and I met the girl that I thought I wanted to be with forever. This is my first serious relationship after years of just playing around.

 

This girl is the love of my life, and it took me years of dates, and her going out with another guy to finally get into a relationship with her. in 2013 I took her on really nice dates in the beginning but she chose to date someone else (after clearly communicating to me that she chose him) She was not shady about it and was upfront with me. She felt that the other guy liked her more because he made a move first. Fair enough.

 

I really liked her alot, and I felt like I had lost her forever and went into a depressive state.. I thought that I had lost her forever and tried to move on, but always thought about her. 2 years later they broke up and she contacted me. We started talking and dating and it was like a narcotic for me. I loved her so much and wanted to spend every second with her. When she didnt call at the right times I was hurt. Things she said could have torn my world apart.

 

Today, I have known her for a total of 5 years and dated seriously for 3.

 

In the beginning it was everything I wanted it to be, except she had a really bad temper and if she couldn't get her way, I would need to subordinate. I put up with this for the first 2 years, and regardless of her rampant emotional outbursts at even the smallest things (like me taking a wrong turn going to Disneyland) I dismissed it and chose to ignore it because I thought I loved her too much for this to get in the way.

 

As the years progressed she made some improvements, but her pettiness and temper still comes out once in a while. I love her so much and it would be hard for me to imagine life without her but deep down inside I feel the urge to see other women. We still have sex, but I pretend its with other people half the time.

 

She did not get along with my twin brother, and over the course of the 3 years we have been together they have got into multiple fights that caused much distress on my own mental state as well as my relationship with my twin brother. But even still, i would not let her go because I always blamed myself.

 

As the years passed, I noticed that she was very controlling, insecure and had a violent temper. I told her I hung out with another female co worker to discuss work after working hours, and she flipped out on me. She wanted to look through all of my texts and leveraged the relationship to do so. She has done this multiple times and once she got in a huge fight with my twin brother to the point of physical violence towards me. I was obviously not physically hurt, but mentally and emotionally I was torn. I knew that I was with a person that I loved to the ends of the earth, but maybe was not a good fit for me.

 

It got to the point that there was so much stress on the relationship that I cheated on her with a stripper while I was overseas. I felt horrible about it and never thought I was capable of doing anything like this.

 

She also had unrealistic requirements of my time like needing to talk on the phone at lunch, after work and at night for 1 hour. I hold a management position at a well known company and it requires a good amount of focus. I know she has detracted from my ability to focus on the job, but i keep justifying it with the fact that I love her.

 

After time, I just couldnt take it anymore, the accusations, suffocating, and physical abuse just eventually took a toll on me. She is not a bad person by any means, but she is highly insecure, emotional.

I cheated on her a second time with a girl I met the same night at a club while at a work event. I felt bad but had never experienced anything like that before and felt liberated. As the months passed, I knew what I did was wrong and she felt a change in me that I am still undergoing.

 

Everytime I look at a picture of us, there is just too much emotion and part of me really really wants to work it out with her, and I start tearing up but the other part of me geniunely feels that she would be able to be with someone that is better for me. My heart tells me to stay and work it out with her, but the logical, rational side of me wants to break up and see other people.

 

If we were to break up, in my mind it would be completely for her. Selfishly I could stay in the relationship and be oblivious to her, and just keep her there to have someone there for me, but I know its unfair to do that to her. She is a wonderful person at the core of it and deserves to be happy.

 

She is completely oblivious to much of how I feel, and i think that is part of the problem. I was never able to get a deep philosophical connection with her, and as a result our converstaions are superficial as well. Its actually very sad because we both know this but both make a very active effort to stay in touch and spend alot of

 

I keep telling myself that I love her, but at the end of the day im not 100 percent sure even after 3 years. I love her to death, but just dont know if I am "in love" and want to marry her.

 

If I dont know after 3 years, I fear that perhaps, I will never know. that means alot of time wasted for both of us being unhappy. I do know that I really care for her from the bottom of my heart and just dont want to hurt her. I know that if we break up, we can say that "we can just be friends" but the reality is that I will lose her forever. I have experienced this before and was just completely crushed. I know time will heal everything, and

 

We broke up multiple times this last year - but when I told her to get in her car after we broke up, she wouldnt do it because she knew it was really the end. Instead she got in my car and tried to talk it out with me.

 

My question is:

What would be fair for her? What should I do? Break up or stay together? IF we do break up, How do I come to a compromise that would protect her but give me the freedom to see other women?

 

Has anyone else been in a similiar situation? Is there a solution that protects her at my cost? I will do anything to protect her feelings and her sense of self worth. I really dont want to hurt her at any cost.

 

Please help me and give me some constructive feedback, I know there will be people out there simply disgusted with what I have done, and believe me I feel ashamed and depressed at times over what I have done, but I would like someone out there to help me if at all possible or give some insight.

 

-Lost, but still in love

[poshcut]

I feel like you love her but your not in love with her anymore. If you loved her 100% you wouldn't have cheated. You might have to let her go for good. I know it's hard trust me I get it. Are you just scared to start over with someone else? I feel like you both need to take time apart to grow.

[LootieTootie]

Well clearly you both got serious issues that you both need to work on... However this is about you.

 

1) You don't love her

2) You are not in love with her

3) You are unhappy

4) You don't care about protecting her because you've cheated on her how many times

5) You both are better off single because both of you have no respect for each other

 

someone in the relationship need to grow a spine and break it off completely.

[deedee911]

Ok, first off cheating is wrong wrong wrong. Sorry but you need to have the courage to make a decision before you decide to be with another woman intimately or not! This is a huge issue with you. Secondly, it sounds like you have fomo fear of missing out. And you keep mentioning dating other woman. Do you know how to be alone. 1. You should focus on this girl 2. If it doesn't work out cut it off completely then 3. Move on. Stop with the one foot in one foot out. Make a decision.

[boltnrun]

I disagree that you should "focus" on someone who physically abuses you!

 

Am I the only one who sees a problem with a woman who hits you, who fights with your family members and who is controlling?

[MissCanuck]

She is not a good person if she violent towards you, OP. She is an abuser.

 

You obviously no longer love her if you're cheating.

 

It's time to end this madness. This isn't love and you're very dysfunctional together.

[lostbutinlove]

I feel like you love her but your not in love with her anymore. If you loved her 100% you wouldn't have cheated. You might have to let her go for good. I know it's hard trust me I get it. Are you just scared to start over with someone else? I feel like you both need to take time apart to grow.

 

I DO love her, but perhaps all the stress of the relationship has taken its toll on me. Im not scared to start over with someone else, I just dont want her to be alone because I know how it feels to feel abandoned. We did take a week time apart -- but do you think we need a bit more time apart?

[lostbutinlove]

Perhaps you are right, but I would argue:

 

1. I DO love her, but im not as in love with her as before

2. Yes perhaps this is true, i think im confused about it

3. I am beginning to be more unhappy but I am trying very hard to make it work

4. Maybe its a subconscious defense mechanism that i just SAY i want to protect her to actually make myself feel better about the situation. But i genuinely do not want to scar her. I want her to be a better person as a result of this relationship. This is true from the bottom of my heart

5. I understand your point of view completely and will take it into consideration

 

I never thought this is what it would be like to be in a relationship because i romanticized it my whole life

[lostbutinlove]

Well clearly you both got serious issues that you both need to work on... However this is about you.

 

1) You don't love her

2) You are not in love with her

3) You are unhappy

4) You don't care about protecting her because you've cheated on her how many times

5) You both are better off single because both of you have no respect for each other

 

someone in the relationship need to grow a spine and break it off completely.

 

Perhaps you are right, but I would argue:

 

1. I DO love her, but im not as in love with her as before

2. Yes perhaps this is true, i think im confused about it

3. I am beginning to be more unhappy but I am trying very hard to make it work

4. Maybe its a subconscious defense mechanism that i just SAY i want to protect her to actually make myself feel better about the situation. But i genuinely do not want to scar her. I want her to be a better person as a result of this relationship. This is true from the bottom of my heart

5. I understand your point of view completely and will take it into consideration

 

I never thought this is what it would be like to be in a relationship because i romanticized it my whole life... Thank you so much for the feedback.

[lostbutinlove]

Ok, first off cheating is wrong wrong wrong. Sorry but you need to have the courage to make a decision before you decide to be with another woman intimately or not! This is a huge issue with you. Secondly, it sounds like you have fomo fear of missing out. And you keep mentioning dating other woman. Do you know how to be alone. 1. You should focus on this girl 2. If it doesn't work out cut it off completely then 3. Move on. Stop with the one foot in one foot out. Make a decision.

 

I know, believe me I really know. I have never done anything like this in my life and although I take full responsibility for it, she took me to the edge. I think I just want a chance for her to be happy so I even discussed letting her date other people. After all the breakups and getting back together, we decided to give it one last try. I suggested that we make a list of improvements that we would like to see in the relationship and check in with each other to see if we are progressing the right way.

 

After each month if we are not improving at a rate that we are both happy with, then we are going to end it.

 

Its just too hard to end a 3 year relationship in 1 day of talking. But i do wholeheartedly agree that we need to make a decision and stick with it or else we will both suffer.

[lostbutinlove]

I disagree that you should "focus" on someone who physically abuses you!

 

Am I the only one who sees a problem with a woman who hits you, who fights with your family members and who is controlling?

 

She only hit me once, and she never did it again. The family situation was really bad before but they are both making an active effort to get along for me.

 

My parents love her to death ironically.

 

I think its ok to slip once? Or is one time enough to warrant a break up?

[lostbutinlove]

She is not a good person if she violent towards you, OP. She is an abuser.

 

You obviously no longer love her if you're cheating.

 

It's time to end this madness. This isn't love and you're very dysfunctional together.

 

Perhaps you are right, thank you for taking the time to respond. I want to give it one last try to see if we can both try our best to make it work one last time. I can hear myself making excuses already, i know, but I am human in the end. Really appreciate the insight and understanding.

 

Thank you everyone, this meant alot to me.

[SherrySher]

You cheated, that's it, game over.

Staying would only be fooling her that you're loyal and you're not.

The damage has been done and you're making her out to be an even bigger fool by not even being decent enough to tell her what you've done.

You've also risked her health by possibly bringing an STD into the picture.

You can't fix this.

You've got only one choice here, be honest with her and end it so she can move on.

Relationships can be tough but that will never excuse cheating on someone.

Now if you're a decent man at all, you will own up to what you did.

[SherrySher]

Right now everything you have with her is fake...why? Because you've not been fair and given her all the information.

You've been intimate with other women behind her back and she's only with you now because she has no clue.

You've done this, now at least give her all the information and let her decide if she wants to continue or not.

Anything else is you deciding to have her live a lie. And you can sleep at night doing that to someone you say you love?

[poshcut]

I DO love her, but perhaps all the stress of the relationship has taken its toll on me. Im not scared to start over with someone else, I just dont want her to be alone because I know how it feels to feel abandoned. We did take a week time apart -- but do you think we need a bit more time apart?

I do think you need time apart before it gets worse. Maybe she needs to be alone to change her ways.

[Keyman]

How can someone be the love of your life and then you go shag a bunch of other women? I'm not entirely sure you know what love is and it sounds like you should likely just be alone for a while because being in a relationship doesn't seem to fit for you.

[Wiseman2]

Read up on trauma bonding. It tricks your mind into thinking it's love and you can't leave.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Gosh, this sounds awful. What’s the question again? There should be no question. You should be ending this.

[Giblesp]

'in 2013 I took her on really nice dates in the beginning but she chose to date someone else.'

 

I haven't read the rest of your post yet, but Im going to say; this is where you bail out and call it a day. There's no point in getting intimate with a woman here, because she has a low interest. If you continue to pursue her, your saying that its ok that she demonstrate low interest towards you, which means you have low self esteem. That's when then start treating you nasty.

[Giblesp]

Of course your lost man, this women is mean, controlling and nasty towards you. She has even beaten you.

 

Yet you continued with her. You need to wake up to what many men need to wake up to; controlling , nasty behavior is abuse. Doesn't matter if she's nice 75% of the time, doesn't matter if its just a time of the month thing (the most pathetic excuse for abuse) you need to recognize when someone is saying and doing things that are unacceptable, and boot them out of your life.

 

I was one of the many men in your position, until I woke up. You think that out of love your tolerating their sh~t, they come back crying and you tell them its ok. But what a surprise, the abuse gets worse and worse. What you put up with, you get.

 

You end up losing yourself, hence the stripper.

 

Get this woman out of your life, you have lost nothing here. Have the self esteem to drop kick the time wasters and select someone who has the self respect to herself and you, to treat you right.

[SherrySher]

You end up losing yourself, hence the stripper.

 

Bull, a man with any nads at all would realize that the relationship is toxic and would end it. No need to go bedding other women and using your bad relationship as an excuse.

[MissCanuck]

Bull, a man with any nads at all would realize that the relationship is toxic and would end it. No need to go bedding other women and using your bad relationship as an excuse.

 

Exactly!

 

Cheating to "escape" a bad relationship is just about the weakest thing one can do in a relationship. A huge sign of immaturity.

[Everlong13]

End this. You cheated on her more than once so you clearly don't love her enough. Yes she has many flaws but YOU cheated. Nobody forced you to.

[Giblesp]

Bull, a man with any nads at all would realize that the relationship is toxic and would end it. No need to go bedding other women and using your bad relationship as an excuse.

 

No need to imply the OP doesn't have 'nads,' people come on this forum for help, not to be insulted like this.

 

Try and communicate in an adult, mature fashion.

[SherrySher]

Thank you for the advice but I don't demand you speak a certain way and I'd appreciate the same respect back.

 

You give your advice you how like and I will give mine how I like. And I personally am not a fan of people who cheat and blame the other person, it is low, very low.