lostbutinlove Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 First time here, and I wanted to truly thank anyone out there reading this. It has been truly hard for me and I dont have anyone to talk to about this. Ill get right into it: I am a 31 year old male from Southern California, and I met the girl that I thought I wanted to be with forever. This is my first serious relationship after years of just playing around. This girl is the love of my life, and it took me years of dates, and her going out with another guy to finally get into a relationship with her. in 2013 I took her on really nice dates in the beginning but she chose to date someone else (after clearly communicating to me that she chose him) She was not shady about it and was upfront with me. She felt that the other guy liked her more because he made a move first. Fair enough. I really liked her alot, and I felt like I had lost her forever and went into a depressive state.. I thought that I had lost her forever and tried to move on, but always thought about her. 2 years later they broke up and she contacted me. We started talking and dating and it was like a narcotic for me. I loved her so much and wanted to spend every second with her. When she didnt call at the right times I was hurt. Things she said could have torn my world apart. Today, I have known her for a total of 5 years and dated seriously for 3. In the beginning it was everything I wanted it to be, except she had a really bad temper and if she couldn't get her way, I would need to subordinate. I put up with this for the first 2 years, and regardless of her rampant emotional outbursts at even the smallest things (like me taking a wrong turn going to Disneyland) I dismissed it and chose to ignore it because I thought I loved her too much for this to get in the way. As the years progressed she made some improvements, but her pettiness and temper still comes out once in a while. I love her so much and it would be hard for me to imagine life without her but deep down inside I feel the urge to see other women. We still have sex, but I pretend its with other people half the time. She did not get along with my twin brother, and over the course of the 3 years we have been together they have got into multiple fights that caused much distress on my own mental state as well as my relationship with my twin brother. But even still, i would not let her go because I always blamed myself. As the years passed, I noticed that she was very controlling, insecure and had a violent temper. I told her I hung out with another female co worker to discuss work after working hours, and she flipped out on me. She wanted to look through all of my texts and leveraged the relationship to do so. She has done this multiple times and once she got in a huge fight with my twin brother to the point of physical violence towards me. I was obviously not physically hurt, but mentally and emotionally I was torn. I knew that I was with a person that I loved to the ends of the earth, but maybe was not a good fit for me. It got to the point that there was so much stress on the relationship that I cheated on her with a stripper while I was overseas. I felt horrible about it and never thought I was capable of doing anything like this. She also had unrealistic requirements of my time like needing to talk on the phone at lunch, after work and at night for 1 hour. I hold a management position at a well known company and it requires a good amount of focus. I know she has detracted from my ability to focus on the job, but i keep justifying it with the fact that I love her. After time, I just couldnt take it anymore, the accusations, suffocating, and physical abuse just eventually took a toll on me. She is not a bad person by any means, but she is highly insecure, emotional. I cheated on her a second time with a girl I met the same night at a club while at a work event. I felt bad but had never experienced anything like that before and felt liberated. As the months passed, I knew what I did was wrong and she felt a change in me that I am still undergoing. Everytime I look at a picture of us, there is just too much emotion and part of me really really wants to work it out with her, and I start tearing up but the other part of me geniunely feels that she would be able to be with someone that is better for me. My heart tells me to stay and work it out with her, but the logical, rational side of me wants to break up and see other people. If we were to break up, in my mind it would be completely for her. Selfishly I could stay in the relationship and be oblivious to her, and just keep her there to have someone there for me, but I know its unfair to do that to her. She is a wonderful person at the core of it and deserves to be happy. She is completely oblivious to much of how I feel, and i think that is part of the problem. I was never able to get a deep philosophical connection with her, and as a result our converstaions are superficial as well. Its actually very sad because we both know this but both make a very active effort to stay in touch and spend alot of I keep telling myself that I love her, but at the end of the day im not 100 percent sure even after 3 years. I love her to death, but just dont know if I am "in love" and want to marry her. If I dont know after 3 years, I fear that perhaps, I will never know. that means alot of time wasted for both of us being unhappy. I do know that I really care for her from the bottom of my heart and just dont want to hurt her. I know that if we break up, we can say that "we can just be friends" but the reality is that I will lose her forever. I have experienced this before and was just completely crushed. I know time will heal everything, and We broke up multiple times this last year - but when I told her to get in her car after we broke up, she wouldnt do it because she knew it was really the end. Instead she got in my car and tried to talk it out with me. My question is: What would be fair for her? What should I do? Break up or stay together? IF we do break up, How do I come to a compromise that would protect her but give me the freedom to see other women? Has anyone else been in a similiar situation? Is there a solution that protects her at my cost? I will do anything to protect her feelings and her sense of self worth. I really dont want to hurt her at any cost. Please help me and give me some constructive feedback, I know there will be people out there simply disgusted with what I have done, and believe me I feel ashamed and depressed at times over what I have done, but I would like someone out there to help me if at all possible or give some insight. -Lost, but still in love Link to comment
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