Have you ever been left for or monkeybranched for someone else?

[Traceee]

I would like to add regarding red flags and fast-paced relationships.

The thing is it's not necessarily a red flag, it happens so sometimes. Two adults meet and just give it a chance and don't want to stretch their relationship in years before taking some serious steps. There could be some life circumstances too.

 

In my case I moved with him in in about 3 month. That was and wasn't too soon. I was in my mid thirties he was 10 yrs older than me. We lived super far from each other and I anyway spent 3-4 days a week at his place. What was too soon and a red flag is that he was asking me to move in after barely a month of us dating. That seemed too much. And honestly I wouldn't take that step until longer. What was the worst - is that he didn't move on from his ex,she was supposed to move in with him but never did. So he found somebody who did instead. But I didn't know that. I was carried away with his serious intentions and commitment, because my other exes didn't want to commit at all.

 

And here's another example. My close friend met that guy at work, she was looking for a new place to move, he liked her and told her he was also looking for a new apartment. They went on a few dates, found a place and just simply moved in together as a couple! I know this is very extreme and crazy, and they are also middle-age people. They are still together, it's been 4 years.

 

So I would rather be more careful with a new boyfriend's background, and his dating history. Sometimes people hide it and lie so you never know until it's too late. But in case he told you or if he doesn't really have an image of a trustworthy person - you should question his actions. The bad thing sometimes you never know who you meet, if it's somebody not from your work/friends circle.

 

Yes that is true. I guess it is all very case by case basis. I think it is a red flag when they are declaring love, marriage talk, kids talk etc after knowing you 3 months or less. Well now I see it as a red flag I was blind and thought he was serious about me. Do you think a lot of these fast paced relationships also fail because there was a lack of a foundation to begin with besides the fact we were lied to from the beginning? It almost seems like my ex had no intention on having a serious lasting relationship I was a supply source like filling a void. At least that's how it feels. He mentioned moving in after like two months and I told him let's talk about it after 6 months and he said okay but dumped me before that came to fruition. Maybe it works for those who are honest about their past like you mentioned and honest about their intentions and want to make it work.

[Young mind]

IMO monkey branching only fulfills its purpose, a substitute for loneliness, the dumper doesn't really see the need to self evaluation because he/she has been handed the power of the breakup, coupled with the euphoria of a new shining relationship, whatever the reason for the breakup doesn't exist with the new person and most frequently the rebound is the shiny knight to save the dumper from the horrible relationship he/she was in, or so they thought.

The relationship starts quickly because usually both partners are overcompensating, the rebound tries as much as possible to be shiny and better fhan the ex in every possible way, the rebounder does the same too, overcompensate and for everything the ex wasn't , thus you see the numerous dates , and holidays and "I love you" after a few weeks or months.

These relationships have no substance, although we can not externally evaluate but someone with such a pattern is only waiting for the inevitable, rebound relationships might last a month or years, but the quality, we really can't say much.

[MissCanuck]

Have you seen this kind of behavior before?

 

I have, and I have yet to see it come from any man who turned out to be a suitable candidate for a long-term, healthy relationship.

[Traceee]

I have, and I have yet to see it come from any man who turned out to be a suitable candidate for a long-term, healthy relationship.

 

Does this develop into a pattern for them?

[boltnrun]

Traceee, are you asking all these questions because you're hoping his new relationship fails and he comes back to you?

 

You can drive yourself crazy asking "why why WHY???!!!" and wondering what he's going to do next. When you could use that same energy to propel yourself into a great life that will bring to you a man who does not come on too strong right off the bat only to leave you high and dry.

 

Everyone (and I mean everyone) who knew my ex predicted his relationship (with the girl he dumped me for) would crash and burn within weeks. Nine years later, they're still together. At first I too hoped he'd see the error of his ways and come running back to me. Now I know...what good what that have done? And why would I want a man who discarded me in the first place? I could spin my wheels for months, years, whatever asking "why why WHY???!!!" and still never really know what goes on inside his head.

 

Fortunately, I don't care anymore. I don't love him and I don't want him.

 

Do you feel that you're still in love with this man?

[Traceee]

Traceee, are you asking all these questions because you're hoping his new relationship fails and he comes back to you?

 

You can drive yourself crazy asking "why why WHY???!!!" and wondering what he's going to do next. When you could use that same energy to propel yourself into a great life that will bring to you a man who does not come on too strong right off the bat only to leave you high and dry.

 

Everyone (and I mean everyone) who knew my ex predicted his relationship (with the girl he dumped me for) would crash and burn within weeks. Nine years later, they're still together. At first I too hoped he'd see the error of his ways and come running back to me. Now I know...what good what that have done? And why would I want a man who discarded me in the first place? I could spin my wheels for months, years, whatever asking "why why WHY???!!!" and still never really know what goes on inside his head.

 

Fortunately, I don't care anymore. I don't love him and I don't want him.

 

Do you feel that you're still in love with this man?

 

No I do not want him back especially after all of the lies. I might still be in love with that fantasy but I don't want him back. I just want to understand as much as possible. This is behavior I have never seen or been exposed to so this is crazy and extremely hurtful to me. I think I am slowly getting to that place of asking less and less questions and wondering but it's difficult. I guess a part of me thinks the more I understand per se then I can have more closure idk.

[boltnrun]

But there's no way to know what's going on inside his head. Only he knows that.

 

We can predict that his new relationship will fail but he may end up like my ex, 9 years later and still going strong. Or, he could end things with the current woman and go back to his ex. Or he could end things with her and go right to someone else. No one knows.

 

I get that it may be soothing if his new relationship ends and he does the same thing to the current woman that he did to you. You could then point to him and say "See, it wasn't me, it was him! This is his 'pattern'!" But what if it doesn't go that way? What if he marries this woman? Would you believe it was you that he just didn't want, that there's something "wrong" with you?

 

Because that would be false. What he does or does not choose to do is no reflection on you. HE chose to love-bomb you, HE chose to go way too quickly and HE chose to walk away. It happened to be you but it very well could have been someone else he did this to. Again, no reflection on you.

 

Your "closure" is knowing that he's wrong for you. Period. Asking questions and feeling like you need to "understand" before you can have "closure" just keeps you stuck to him. And I'm sure you don't want to remain attached to someone who doesn't value you the way a man in love should.

[Traceee]

But there's no way to know what's going on inside his head. Only he knows that.

 

We can predict that his new relationship will fail but he may end up like my ex, 9 years later and still going strong. Or, he could end things with the current woman and go back to his ex. Or he could end things with her and go right to someone else. No one knows.

 

I get that it may be soothing if his new relationship ends and he does the same thing to the current woman that he did to you. You could then point to him and say "See, it wasn't me, it was him! This is his 'pattern'!" But what if it doesn't go that way? What if he marries this woman? Would you believe it was you that he just didn't want, that there's something "wrong" with you?

 

Because that would be false. What he does or does not choose to do is no reflection on you. HE chose to love-bomb you, HE chose to go way too quickly and HE chose to walk away. It happened to be you but it very well could have been someone else he did this to. Again, no reflection on you.

 

Your "closure" is knowing that he's wrong for you. Period. Asking questions and feeling like you need to "understand" before you can have "closure" just keeps you stuck to him. And I'm sure you don't want to remain attached to someone who doesn't value you the way a man in love should.

 

That's been a part of my pain and issue is thinking if he does the same to her than to me then yeah it wasn't me and sometimes I get in my own head and think well if he stays with her then the problem was me. I need to understand that it isn't reflective on me even though it feels that way sometimes because of the quickness he walked away and with ease. Also the fact that nothing was ever communicated to me and he didn't even want to try to work through anything said a lot I guess. That has been a hard pill to swallow. It's also been hard knowing this man never really loved me like he said he did ya know? I was naive enough to think people don't really say all of those things continuously unless they meant them because of how serious they are. Obviously learned from that mistake. I've started doing more positive things each day so that I don't let myself into a negative spiral of thoughts about making this something I did to cause him to leave.

[boltnrun]

You know, I realized the girl (now woman) my ex left me for actually IS better for him that I am. And that's not a negative. My ex enjoys drama. He wants screaming fights that include punching and hitting and destroying the other person's property followed by spectacular make up sex. And I am not about any of that. He complained that I never did anything dramatic and concluded that I must not have really loved him. Again, that's not me. He gets that in spades with his girlfriend and he is blissfully happy. So in my mind they do belong together. Good for them.

 

And this man you dated is no prize either, not if he was pulling I love you's out of his butt a few weeks in and pretending to want an insta-commitment and insta-family.

 

Be glad you no longer have to deal with this nutcase.

 

I'm sure you want a loving, secure relationship with a man who truly does adore and cherish you. This man is not going to provide any of that. You won here.