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I met my husband 12 years ago, he was military and stationed in my hometown. We married and had a couple kids before he was medically retired. We ended up moving cross country (NV to IA) for a position he received. We were in Iowa for 5 years, our daughter was having major medical issues, and we were told she needed a certain test that wasn’t available there ( due to a very long waiting list). We ended up looking for another position in a different state to be able to get this for her. We landed back in NV, complications happened at his new job he took, and unfortunately he lost his job 2 days after we closed on our house.

He was unemployed for 5 months, before finding another position in NY! So, with no other option, we packed up and moved to NY. He originally like the job, but of course changes happened that he didn’t like, and he started looking for a different job again. So with only a year in NY, he took another job in TX! Thankfully I was able to get the test my daughter needed while we were in NY (we went to Boston)

While taking the TX job, I was excited to hear he had a 2 year contract. He had to stay with the company for 2 years, or he had to pay back the relocation.

Well. Guess what?! 2 year contract is up! And ding ding ding. He wants to move again. He doesn’t like the changes made at his job, and he wants out.

I don’t want to move! I really like it here, and my kids love it. Since I don’t work, nor have an education ( long story I have 3 semesters left for my RN, but he said no on school right now) I really don’t have a say. I love him, and want him happy. But at a standstill cause I don’t want to move. Our daughter is in the 5th grade and has been in 5 different school districts. I’m tired of packing up and leaving when things get tough.

It’s to the point where we are fighting about it, I’m physically getting sick over the stress of it all.

I just need advice, or help. Something. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being a brat not wanting to move? We have moved 3 times in 3 year!

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You're not being unreasonable and he should start thinking about what all this moving is doing to his children. It's not like you have to move this time, just because he doesn't like the changes is no excuse to uproot you all again.

 

also, I think it's time that you got yourself into some kind of work (even if it's taking in children for a before and after school program in your district to earn a bit of extra money so you can get your degree and get making your own money. Its 2018 and women work now if they want to and if they need to in order to do what they want to do. You've been co-operative thus far. I think it's high time he did some of that. (not that my opinion matters to him).

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Currently there is no “open positions” he doesn’t want to wait for one to open up. He wants out ASAP. There are other plants here he can wait for an opening. He is choosing not too. He is a very stubborn man.

 

Well, then it's time that you become a very stubborn woman and tell him that you will not be moving yourself or the children again.

 

It's one thing to move because he is out of work and there is an opening elsewhere, it is quite another to move just because he doesn't like the changes his employer has made. Tell him that it's best you all stay where you are and he can change jobs in the same place once something opens up. He can keep looking while living and working where he is.

 

Is he controlling, does he try to isolate you so that you don't have any friends, anything like that?

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Is "I don't want" and "I want" a recurring theme with him?

 

In other words, is he only concerned with what he wants and doesn't want and does he expect his family to just follow along behind him every time he gets the whim to move?

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Well, then it's time that you become a very stubborn woman and tell him that you will not be moving yourself or the children again.

 

It's one thing to move because he is out of work and there is an opening elsewhere, it is quite another to move just because he doesn't like the changes his employer has made. Tell him that it's best you all stay where you are and he can change jobs in the same place once something opens up. He can keep looking while living and working where he is.

 

Is he controlling, does he try to isolate you so that you don't have any friends, anything like that?

 

Well, with moving so much, we have no family around. I’ve also haven’t done much to really make friends LOL I spend my days at the school, I am a board member on the PTA. I also am a substitute.

I have found a few people that would love to babysit, but he won’t do it. We haven’t had a “date night” outside the house in 5 years. I’ve had other invite us to therebhouse, he just didn’t want to go. So it’s more like I’m isolating myself. I also have severe anxiety, so that doesn’t help much either.

I’m just at a loss, I really don’t know what to do or say. I’ve told him exactly how I feel. He told me a couple months ago that I had no say. The kids and I will go where ever he goes, we don’t have a choice. Granted, he “was angry and didn’t mean it” but his actions really say he did mean it. He doesn’t fight fair, he does low blows. So I try to not fight or argue cause I really don’t want to hear the low blows.

It’s really taking a tow on me, and my health to be honest. I’m 33, and have been rushed to the hospital twice in 12 months thinking heart attack. Thankfully, it was severe panic attacks mimicking heart attacks. I’m just stressed out, and he really just don’t give a crap.

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Is "I don't want" and "I want" a recurring theme with him?

 

In other words, is he only concerned with what he wants and doesn't want and does he expect his family to just follow along behind him every time he gets the whim to move?

 

He just never seems to be happy with anything. I joke with him saying I’m shocked he kept me for so long!

We have been together for 13 years. Married 12. We have had 10 different addresses, he is also on his 9th different vehicle. Since getting out of the AF. He has had 6 jobs since 2009.

I’ve tried asking him to maybe talk with a counselor, he took offense to it, said I was blaming HIM about the problems at work. It’s not like I was BLAMING him, it was more of, a repeat occurrence and this can’t happen at every place he works at. When things get tough. He bolts.

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So basically he is abusing you and because you have anxiety and no job related skills, you're feeling trapped. Actually, you could probably get alimony as well as child support if you were to leave him because he's the one that has basically forbidden you to work outside of the home.

 

I think your next move should be to leave him and take the children with you. Make that your last move. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

 

That being said: Do you think your husband is suffering still from his active duty? You say he left due to medical reason, was it PTSD?

 

Anyway, if he won't go to therapy, would his benefits cover you going so that you get help for your anxiety and maybe work on your assertivness and such so you have the strength to get your RN degree and start making your own money so he doesn't have such a hold on you?

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So basically he is abusing you and because you have anxiety and no job related skills, you're feeling trapped. Actually, you could probably get alimony as well as child support if you were to leave him because he's the one that has basically forbidden you to work outside of the home.

 

I think your next move should be to leave him and take the children with you. Make that your last move. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

 

That being said: Do you think your husband is suffering still from his active duty? You say he left due to medical reason, was it PTSD?

 

Anyway, if he won't go to therapy, would his benefits cover you going so that you get help for your anxiety and maybe work on your assertivness and such so you have the strength to get your RN degree and start making your own money so he doesn't have such a hold on you?

I’ve been in therapy off and on for 10 years. I actually have an appointment this week to go back, in hopes that will help me cope with things.

He was medically retired for a medical problem. The medication wasn’t available over seas so he was non-deployable. The thing is, I don’t want to leave him, I love him a lot. Everything else is great. Other than this constant moving around. He promised this was our last move (TX) I just hoped it was the truth. He doesn’t keep his promises very well, but I don’t take them lightly either. So it’s more frustrating and irritating that it’s just another broken promise. He originally wanted to move back to NV, where MY family is. This is a hard NO for me. I love my family, but they are another added stress and so much drama I don’t want to be a part of. I don’t want my children around it 24/7.

I’ve had a lot people over the years saying he was abusing me, I honestly don’t see it, or maybe I’m just naive. I don’t know. He doesn’t physically abuse me. He has mentally, at times, when we do have a fight. I’ll admit to that.

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It sounds like a lot of excuses on your part to not be working and responsible ( which you are) for providing for yourself and the children you chose to have .

You need to be honest with yourself about what you get out of being a dependent of his, and your attitudes about what you are entitled to. It's easy to frame oneself as a victim in this situation, but really, it's your children who are true dependents on the both of you and are paying the price for this dynamic.

 

So what ARE you willing to do to improve your kids situation as far as security?

 

If you were to go to a woman's resource center and actually are willing to change how you think and what you take responsibility for, you could save the kids the trauma of mom being dragged away to the hospital psych ward and their trips to therapy trying to figure out how she justifies her choices because she didn't want to have to be a person who is responsible for her own choices.

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It sounds like a lot of excuses on your part to not be working and responsible ( which you are) for providing for yourself and the children you chose to have .

You need to be honest with yourself about what you get out of being a dependent of his, and your attitudes about what you are entitled to. It's easy to frame oneself as a victim in this situation, but really, it's your children who are true dependents on the both of you and are paying the price for this dynamic.

 

So what ARE you willing to do to improve your kids situation as far as security?

 

If you were to go to a woman's resource center and actually are willing to change how you think and what you take responsibility for, you could save the kids the trauma of mom being dragged away to the hospital psych ward and their trips to therapy trying to figure out how she justifies her choices because she didn't want to have to be a person who is responsible for her own choices.

 

Wow. That was some harsh words.

It’s not like I’m uneducated, I hold many medical certificates as well as a degree. I’ve been working towards my final degree as a RN. It was a choice that WE made for me to stay home with the kids. Like previously stated, our daughter has a lot going on. She has a genetic disorder with a second disorder that was also created. It’s not like I don’t want to work, cause trust me I do! I haven’t been able to once all the kids started school. Our daughter has had 2 strokes currently, she see many different specialists monthly as well as different therapy specialists weekly.

It’s stressful, it’s a lot to handle at times, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. So it’s not excuses, it’s to the point as how can I do it? My husband works 60hrs a week, rotating shifts.

He sure wouldn’t be able to take off or even get off early for the appointments, nor does he know anything about it cause he chooses not too.

So yes, I have my fair share of stress in my daily life. I dont need any additional stress on my shoulders. Any normal human can only handle so much. Many don’t understand the ins and out of a parent with a child with medical issues. It’s not that easy to pack up and move and set up all the care all over again.

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Your husband is also your child's parent.

 

What does he say about the difficulties of setting up care for your child? Does he take it seriously or does he simply dismiss your concerns?

Honestly he is still in denial. He doesn’t talk about her issues, nor does he want to hear it or any appointments. That’s his princess. She is perfect. End of story. Which also scares me cause with her disorders they have a very high mortality rate, with him not willing to accept it, I can’t even imagine how he would react. He has some days of “clarity “ per say. Majority of the time he sits in denial. We have almost lost her 3 times now, I’m on constant guard and in tuned with her I can tell if it will be a good day or bad within the first minute she wakes up.

He knows the difficulty I have with setting up her specialists. Although, I have more issues setting up a pediatrician willing to even take her on as a patient, bonus points if I find one willing to take her on and even knows about her genetic disorder!

Heck he is my child as well, he can’t even set up his own doctor appointments, let alone fill out his paperwork! 😂

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Well, sounds like you pretty much have two options. Stay with him and realize you will be moving every year or two (despite what he says, he has demonstrated that his promises mean nothing), or leave and strike out on your own with your children in the location you wish to stay.

 

If he's a "stick his head in the sand" type, you're never going to succeed in "changing" him. He is who he is.

 

Can you accept that?

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Well, sounds like you pretty much have two options. Stay with him and realize you will be moving every year or two (despite what he says, he has demonstrated that his promises mean nothing), or leave and strike out on your own with your children in the location you wish to stay.

 

If he's a "stick his head in the sand" type, you're never going to succeed in "changing" him. He is who he is.

 

Can you accept that?

 

I guess I really have no choice. I have to accept it. It will all work out in the end I suppose.

Thank you very much for your responses all day, and everyone else. I really truly appreciate it.

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As a child that moved from city to city almost every two years, I can say it takes it's toll on children. Myself and my siblings had a tough time socially and most of it was due to being uprooted.

To my Dad, it was the prospect in more money the hiring companies were offering. I would have rather been poor and stay put than to have him move us everywhere.

 

Why does he need to move to a different state for new jobs? Surely their are other jobs in a one hour drive radius?

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The kids and I will go where ever he goes, we don’t have a choice. .

 

Real words do occur in tense arguments. The statement above REGARDLESS of him saying "I didn't mean it" is emotional ABUSE!! If he throws you into the wall and afterwards says "he didn't mean it" isn't it still abuse?

 

and it's been 5 years since you have had a "Date night"?

 

If that were me, I'd ask him to move to another state and stay put with my kids.

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I have met dozens and dozens of families where one parent lived elsewhere for a good work and financial opportunity, and come back when possible, or set aside a long stint of time off. I fail to understand why you and the kids have to move with him even when he's only going to stay for a short period. He said Texas was it. Start moving money around, changing access to accounts, and don't move. Dig your heels in. If he really loves you and family, he will stay.

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  • 1 year later...

Where do you want to live? You hate NV because your family is there. If you are married with a child you do have a say in things, whether you are working or not. Marriage and parenthood is a partnership. Wherever you go or stay, you'll need to focus on your self reliance a bit more. This means improving the quality of your life through more productive fruitful endeavors. If that means, online or in person classes/courses, finishing your degree, working part-time, whatever.

 

However you do need to stop hopping around the country aimlessly. Chronic moving is a wealth killer and destabilizing. If he is no longer in the military or in a profession that requires constant relocation (and relocation is paid for) why all the hopping around? What's the point of it?

 

You also need to decide that running away from your own family is not a good reason to hop around, which could be a huge part of your own problem. Make up your mind. Then stand firm in your choice.

I met my husband 12 years ago, he was military and stationed in my hometown.

While taking the TX job, I was excited to hear he had a 2 year contract. He had to stay with the company for 2 years, or he had to pay back the relocation.

Our daughter is in the 5th grade and has been in 5 different school districts.

We have moved 3 times in 3 year!

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Honestly if you are that close to being an RN and therefore gainfully contributing to the family, there should be no excuse for you not finishing. He has made the decision to cart the whole family around the country, you are finally settled where your daughter can get the medical care he needs and he refuses to look at other positions at other companies so you can finish your RN in a year or less and your kids have some stablility. Honestly for everyone saying she needs to contribute more - she is by raising the kids and she can if he would only "let" her finish two more semesters. I am getting the vibe that he prevents her from doing that so he can be in charge. I know a nursing degree when it comes down to the end, to brass tacks, you can't do it online. Basic requirements, perhaps, but not at that point. As a nurse, you could live anywhere in the country

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Every nurse I've ever met and know well makes bank. He can move, and get set up. It does not mean you all need to move together. He can move, while you and the kids stay.

 

My buddy is moving back to NY, but needs to get a job first. So, she is just flying in for interviews with the twins, so they can start school (they start earlier than where we are), and still earning a paycheck at her current job. Her hubs and their youngest is already back here, and setting up his new business. They are grown-ups, and able to survive not living together for a few months for the bigger picture.

 

Both are from where I am, and both wanted to move back for years. Both worked out a plan to do so. This was not a fly-by-night decision.

 

I'm not sure why you have to move just because your hubs says so.

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