shademan Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 I have been a member on this forum for over 14 years, although I am not a very active member but reading my previous posts and threads made me smirk :peaceful: Anyways that's not why I am here, I believe that I deserve to leave a footprint of an update of what happened with me and maybe to any one who is interested in personal growth; The beautiful thing about this forum is the anonymity is that you type down without seeking praise or fame as nothing will come back to you in some sort of reward. It's like a dead letter that you write and end up never sending. I just turned 34, I am separated with one child, I moved out of my home country I am still struggling to find meaning behind life and my existence even though I am much more sedated about life itself and accept it's short comings but I believe priorities change as you age. Growing older is one hell of a journey and reading my older posts just remind me of how juvenile, young and inexperienced I was or still am.... I tried dating again but I keep failing at it, I believe I need to first work on myself as I am not at peace with myself and to be honest I learned that you have to love yourself first before loving someone else. I have been trying to date this girl which I met through work, but she is younger than me, even though age was never an issue for me but I believe that we had a connection, she always hung out with me, we went out a lot but she always told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship because it gets complicated and she gets hurt, I thought to myself just do your best and go on with it, then I discovered she was leaving the country and didn't tell me (ok that's not the whole story but I am getting exhausted from typing) Anyways long story short, loved a girl that left me to pursue a whatever in Europe (emotional time stamp to remember when i read this again) I am just an average guy with a little bit of weight around my waist, average height, average looks I don't really remember anything I didn't like about myself. I think my main struggle was always not being able to finish anything I start, I either get bored easily or get discouraged which I blame on my will power. I believe If I want something or someone bad enough I will put in all I can but so far I haven't been doing that, also I have been struggling with Time; I feel I am always racing time because I am afraid I will get older without accomplishing anything, hence racing time is a game that never ends but then I discovered that time isn't real, it is only a perception in my mind which only gets me deeper into a dark rabbit hole. I tried therapy I tried drinking I tried philanthropy I tried marriage I tried dating I tried oh what the hell the list goes on. I am glad I am one of the few that grew up in the age shift of analog to digital, we are the ones that witnessed the rise and fall of the internet as we know it. Privacy is no longer a concern to people online, information is sliced and segmented according to advertising spend, people don't check sources anymore, you can now swipe left or right to pick a match for a new relationship, no one now knows what a/s/l means, or the keyboard samurais are now swipers and touch masters Internet is now a dump for filtered self images of vanity (which i participate in) everyone is a model, actor, traveller, film maker, designer, singer, artist. Things are faster now, way faster than what it used to be, and I grew older than I could comprehend Anyways who ever helped me back then with their kind words and their support I want to thank them as they must have shaped me somehow to the person i am today. Link to comment
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