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I'm ready for a baby, my partner said he was but has changed his mind


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This is really personal and sensitive but I don’t know where else to turn or who to talk to, I've never posted on a forum before.

 

I don’t have a Mum and my Dad’s advice is always very harsh and extreme. Me and my partner have been together 3 years, from day one he’s known I want to be a young mum and I want a family, I’m not career focussed and would rather plan everything in life around my family. Our ‘plan’ has always been to start settling down and start trying this year (I know things change and life doesn’t always go to plan). I’m so so ready and my heart literally hurts when I see mums with their bumps and babies. He’s now turned around and said he won’t be ready to have babies for many years. He’s gone along with this ‘plan’, which was his idea by the way, I’m not a very planny person, for two years of our three year relationship and now he’s telling me how he really feels about it. He’s led me on and talked about babies and names. I’ve said to him this is my life, my happiness, this is important to me, I’ve compromised and sacrificed so much for him and his goals and now this.

 

He bought a house to work on with his brother and sell on a year ago and moved in there without even talking to me about it, at this point we were living with my dad, he just went ahead and did it. That caused huge arguments and doubt in our relationship for me, but he reassured me he loves me and just ‘wasn’t thinking’. So last year I did my own thing and moved into a flat, he’s since moved himself in, and only stays at this house when he’s working on it. In December he asked me to move into the house with him and his brother? I said to him, I’ve only had my flat for 4 months, you’ve been completely selfish in your living situation and decisions and NOW you want me to give up the flat and move in there? He left me high and dry not knowing what was going on for months and now asks! And it’s quite clearly because it’s more convenient and saves money for him. This is what brought up the baby and our future conversation.

 

I said to him so far in our relationship everything has been completely one sided, everything he wants to achieve is done, everything I want is dismissed or put to one side. I said I’m not going to wait 3/4/5+ years to have a baby, it has always been my goal to have a baby with the person I love and be living with them and relatively settled by this or around this age, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening. Nothing I want ever seems to happen. Even the small things like trips I want to take or events I want to go to. I love him very much and I always thought he was my soulmate, but I’m completely doubting it now. He goes out with his ‘lads’ a lot, as if he’s still 18 years old, so I said to him that he clearly wants to stay young and isn’t ready to grow up yet, he wants to be with his friends all the time recently. He didn’t disagree. He said he loves me and wants to make me happy and doesn’t want to lose me, so my mind is in a constant whirlwind of thoughts.

 

I don’t know what to think or do. My dad’s advice is he will never give me what I want or the happiness I want and I need to find someone older with similar goals to me, he said I’ll be waiting for years and even then he might not be ready and I’ll end up unhappy. We do everything together and have always been inseparable so thinking of the worst outcome is incredibly hard for me. I would never have a baby unless we were both ready, I would never force him to settle down, so that leaves me in this situation where I feel lost and like I’m just going through the motions. Some of you may think I’m too young, that’s not what I’m here to hear, because I know we’re a young couple, but when you know you’re ready you know and it’s all down to you as a person. There is this huge void missing from my life, I've already waited and now I'm going to have to wait even longer. I've put myself into hobbies and my career, nothing fills the void. I’m not here to be patronised, I’m here for genuine advice. What would you do? Is there anyone who’s been in this situation? He’s 23 and I’m 24. If he had said how he really feels 2 years ago, or even a year ago, I wouldn’t feel how I do now. I feel deceived and tricked. Like he’s gone along with everything to keep the relationship. He wants the perks but not the commitment? Also, I’ve made him sound like an awful person in this post, he’s really not, he has a heart of gold and is trustworthy and loving, which makes it harder. I’m just not sure where to go from here.

 

I can't spend my life in this endless cycle of cooking, cleaning, washing. I want to travel, and so does my partner, but I wasn't fussed about when it happens in my life, should I emerse myself into that? Will that fill the void? I just want my life to begin, it feels like it's been on hold for too long. I know I'm partly to blame, I've focussed my happiness on my partner too much instead of thinking about myself. But I thought that's what you do when you're in a relationship, in love, your goals become each others goals and you work on them together. Unfortunately it's been very one sided in this relationship.

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What's your hurry to have a baby with a 23 y/o guy who doesn't want to settle down? Listen to your dad, he's not harsh. He's honest but you don't want to believe him.

My dad’s advice is he will never give me what I want or the happiness I want and I need to find someone older with similar goals to me, he said I’ll be waiting for years and even then he might not be ready and I’ll end up unhappy. He’s 23 and I’m 24.
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Oh no, I completely believe him, by harsh I mean he won't discuss the details with me, he's my dad so he's going to be protective and say that my partner isn't good enough for me. I love this man very much, so it's hard to know whether to end it because we're at different stages in our lives or to just suck it up and wait and stay with him. This is the part I really, desperately need advice on.

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I think if you want to have a baby soon, you should find someone else who is more on your wavelength. You’ve been with him for 2 years. He might be ready in another 2 years or he might not. I do agree with your dad that maybe you should try to find an older man or another man who is ready to settle down. In my experience, most of my male friends were not ready to settle down until they were nearing 30.

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Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. It's been 3 years, I know to some people that's not very long but to me it is, especially when there's been this 'plan' the whole time that has suddenly gone out the window. I think deep down I agree with my dad too, but how do I move on from a 3 year relationship? How do I adjust to not having him to talk to, not waking up next to him every morning and not seeing him every day? There are so many pros to our relationship, but the cons are HUGE. It's such a hard decision.

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Unfortunately if he had a neon sign on his head that flashed "I do not want to settle down or have kids yet"...it couldn't be any clearer. You seem single minded and headstrong about having a "babybump" to fill a void. Why not examine that. Getting pregnant won't snare him into the commitment you want. It will make you a single mother. Do you work?

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That's a bit rude. As I said in my post, I would never force him to settle down or have a baby. Actually no, you're completely wrong, it wasn't clear because he's been telling me he wants babies and to settle down for the past two years, which is why I've asked for advice. He's told me what he wants for years, and has now changed his mind or has just been saying that's what he wants to keep me sweet, who knows? Again, that's why I've posted on here. I need help with where to go next, I don't need someone assuming I'm a bad person. You've assumed I'm the type of person to 'trick' a man into commitment, you clearly haven't properly read my post and you're not being particularly helpful. Single minded? The past three years of my life have been devoted to him, I passed up an opportunity to live abroad for him, I miss out on events and trips because he doesn't want to or because he needs help working on his house. Yes I'm headstrong, I think that's pretty much the only thing I can agree with you on. Yes, I work full time.

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Now that he's changed his mind I would move on ASAP. If you want to be a mom in your 20s, he's not the guy. When I was 39 I started dating my future husband. From day one we knew we didn't have a lot of time to conceive and we agreed we both wanted kids. We were very much in love. And if he had changed his mind I would have walked away that day. It's a package deal and please don't apologize for wanting a family. My friend's daughter is divorced now -she got married in her early 20s to a guy who was in his mid 20s and wanted kids soon after that. A year later she changed her mind -she wanted to wait at least 3-4 years so she could pursue a graduate degree. There were other issues in the relationship but that was the main dealbreaker. I was friends with her/her family but did not blame him one bit for walking away once she reneged on her promise. Being on the same page about family planning is a biggie IMO. i'm sorry he's going back on his word.

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What about marraige? You didn't even mention that , which I find odd.

Your dad is right. You want different things and are in different places with your life goals.

You want to travel but guess what? It will be difficult with the expense of a baby.

Why don't you get your traveling out of the way now and focus on getting a ring on your finger

and then see where you go from there. If having a baby in the near future is what you really want, then

you need to leave this relationship and look for someone more settled and ready.

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A 23 year old guy won't want a baby right now and yes, he has every right to stay young as he is in the prime of his life and a baby is not what he wants.

If this is your dream and goal, you need to find a different man, one who is more settled in life and is ready for that kind of commitment.

 

This guy is not ready and you would be forcing him. That won't ever be a good outcome for anyone.

You need to find someone else to fulfill your dream with.

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What is harsh is having a baby to fill a void. What he is doing is sensible. He's trying to build a life. Achieve financial independence.

Was your plan to have him support you financially once you get pregnant? You've just barely left your fathers house .

You say you have sacrificed and haven't done what you want to do - why? That's on you.

 

I disagree with finding an older man who will support you. I think you are avoiding growing up yourself

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What about marraige? You didn't even mention that , which I find odd.

Your dad is right. You want different things and are in different places with your life goals.

You want to travel but guess what? It will be difficult with the expense of a baby.

Why don't you get your traveling out of the way now and focus on getting a ring on your finger

and then see where you go from there. If having a baby in the near future is what you really want, then

you need to leave this relationship and look for someone more settled and ready.

 

 

Of course marriage is part of it, but that's not what I need help with, like I've said before. I know that, I wasn't saying I'd have a baby and then go off travelling. I always thought I would travel much, much later in life but now I'm thinking perhaps I should consider focusing on that now and babies later so I can keep my relationship. I agree, but I think what I'm looking for is how other people have moved on from situations like this.

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Babies are a lot of work. I think it is natural for many to be jealous when they see everybody having a baby . I know that I wanted to be a young mom but I just did not have the proper skills at the time . I’m glad I waited until I was a bit older . My mom was a young mom and she struggled so much because she chose the wrong partner .

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Now that he's changed his mind I would move on ASAP. If you want to be a mom in your 20s, he's not the guy. When I was 39 I started dating my future husband. From day one we knew we didn't have a lot of time to conceive and we agreed we both wanted kids. We were very much in love. And if he had changed his mind I would have walked away that day. It's a package deal and please don't apologize for wanting a family. My friend's daughter is divorced now -she got married in her early 20s to a guy who was in his mid 20s and wanted kids soon after that. A year later she changed her mind -she wanted to wait at least 3-4 years so she could pursue a graduate degree. There were other issues in the relationship but that was the main dealbreaker. I was friends with her/her family but did not blame him one bit for walking away once she reneged on her promise. Being on the same page about family planning is a biggie IMO. i'm sorry he's going back on his word.

 

Thank you, this is exactly the advice I was looking for. Yes definitely, it's huge being on the same page and wanting the same future. I love him so much, but I've now got to decide if it's the relationship I want or the future.

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My dad’s advice is he will never give me what I want or the happiness I want and I need to find someone older with similar goals to me, he said I’ll be waiting for years and even then he might not be ready and I’ll end up unhappy.

 

Your dad's right. The fact of the matter is, MOST people are "planny" when it comes between certain life goals and having a baby. You're either going to have to start getting "planny" yourself, or settle on some guy who isn't really "planny" either. I think the former is better than the latter.

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Wouldn't have been caught dead with a baby at 23. Hell, the lady and I have started sitting down and discussing time tables and, at 31, I think I'm just barely at that cusp.

 

I think he's well within his rights to not be certain, and I'll be honest, I think you're gonna have a hard time finding a guy that young who is. Not saying it's at all impossible, but maybe start looking for recent college grads who have started their career and are anxious for "the next step."

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A 23 year old guy won't want a baby right now and yes, he has every right to stay young as he is in the prime of his life and a baby is not what he wants.

If this is your dream and goal, you need to find a different man, one who is more settled in life and is ready for that kind of commitment.

 

This guy is not ready and you would be forcing him. That won't ever be a good outcome for anyone.

You need to find someone else to fulfill your dream with.

 

Have you not read my previous comments? I would never in a million years force him, I love him. I want him to be happy. Which is why I now need to decide whether I want this relationship or I want my goals more. I need help with what people would do to move forward on this situation, not nasty assumptions that I'm a horrid person trying to force him into growing up? This is something he said he wanted for years, he could have just told me he didn't want it from the beginning, I would have understood.

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Babies are a lot of work. I think it is natural for many to be jealous when they see everybody having a baby . I know that I wanted to be a young mom but I just did not have the proper skills at the time . I’m glad I waited until I was a bit older . My mom was a young mom and she struggled so much because she chose the wrong partner .

 

I work with children which is probably partly why I feel so ready so young. I totally agree, I've heard lots of women say they're so glad they waited so maybe I should wait to! It's just hard when you thought something was happening and then suddenly everything changes. It's more that he hasn't told me he truth about what he wants for so long, I love him and I'm honest about everything, why couldn't he be honest. I'm just a little hurt about the situation.

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Wouldn't have been caught dead with a baby at 23. Hell, the lady and I have started sitting down and discussing time tables and, at 31, I think I'm just barely at that cusp.

 

I think he's well within his rights to not be certain, and I'll be honest, I think you're gonna have a hard time finding a guy that young who is. Not saying it's at all impossible, but maybe start looking for recent college grads who have started their career and are anxious for "the next step."

 

That's not what I'm asking. I don't want to go off and find a random bloke who's ready, I love my partner very much and thought I would spend my life with him. It's more the hurt from him not being honest about what he wants in life, it's more the fact that we had this 'plan' and now it's fallen apart and I don't know where to go from here? That's what I'm confused about, that's what I need advice on.

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I work with children which is probably partly why I feel so ready so young. I totally agree, I've heard lots of women say they're so glad they waited so maybe I should wait to! It's just hard when you thought something was happening and then suddenly everything changes. It's more that he hasn't told me he truth about what he wants for so long, I love him and I'm honest about everything, why couldn't he be honest. I'm just a little hurt about the situation.

I work with children too but I am in my 50’s and my son is grown now. Even while it helps prepare you to work with kids it’s still not the same thing as having your own. Actually nothing really prepares you. It’s much harder than people actually think .

 

When my husband was young he routinely kept changing his mind about having kids so I get where you’re at .

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Bringing a child in the world won't fix this void. Try to focus on what's behind all this.

 

That's a little bit too deep my friend. I would never bring a child into the world unless I was in a stable, loving, committed relationship. That's what this post is about!! I've just found out that apparently I'm not in one! For three years, I thought I was, but I'm not. We don't have the same goals like I was told, by him. So for the last time, stop throwing abuse at me by addressing things I haven't asked for advice on, this post is asking: What do I do now?!

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