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Husband is lazy and dirty


Nurse2519
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I have been married for 10 years. We have 2 boys. I work 1 full time job, a part time job, and i am a graduate student. In our relationship, I am the primary breadwinner. Husband works 2 days a week. He is helpful with the kids in getting them to school and picking them up and taking them to their sports. He does very little around the house. He naps pretty much every day for 2-3 hrs. Rarely cleans. Leaves clothes all over the house, dishes, etc. The kids are picking up these habits. I am frustrated, angry, and plain and simple tired of dealing with the situation. I feel that I shhouldnt have to work as much as i do, go to school, and still share the same household responsibilities when he only works 2 days a week! How can i get it across that I cant do this anymore? I almost feel taken advantaged of. I have talked to him about it but he always has an excuse or says I dont clean either and he does. Am i wrong in thinking he should clean everyday if he is home? I do dishes, cook, and do some cleaning despite my busy schedule.

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Well, you can start laying down some rules, such as if the clothes aren't in the hamper by laundry day, they are not going to get washed. That if they don't put their plates in the sink, they're not going to get cleaned and there won't be any food served the next day. That if there's stuff on the floor, you're not going to vacuum. You can even give the kids chores to do. If the kids ask why Dad isn't doing anything, you can say that Dad's a bum and you don't want them growing up to be like him. Put a little pressure on them, they may come around.

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If the kids ask why Dad isn't doing anything, you can say that Dad's a bum and you don't want them growing up to be like him. Put a little pressure on them, they may come around.

 

Whoa, with you until up to this... regardless of what you think of him, don't badmouth him to the kids. I can speak from personal experience, thats not cool. Children identify with both their parents, mostly on a subconcious level. And it doesn't manifest as 'helpful, constructive criticism' usually, it's more like 'low self-esteem' kinda stuff.

 

I would just apply the same rules to Dad. And if they ask, just say that the same rules apply for everyone.

 

Just my 2 cents,

 

T

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Maybe it's time to change the arrangement if it's not working. Maybe it's time he contributes more equally financially.

You can bang your head all day against a wall trying to get him to meet your standards in the home. Or if you are willing to give up him being full time with the kids, you can divide things more equally.

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If you are the breadwinner for the family..then bloody oath he should be doing the domestic chores! I was the breadwinner in my family for the past 3 years and my partner would do all the dishes and general cleaning, I would do laundry but only because im picky about how i wash my clothes and have never let anyone do my washing for me. He did all the yard work as well and would do errands for me and never make me feel bad if I did nothing. He went back to work for a few months last year and I stayed home and instantly took over all those duties from him. Made sure his dinner was ready ..clean clothes for work the next day etc. I would be really really angry at your husband, and you have every right to feel you are being taken advantage of..because i think you are! Go on strike!

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How about hiring a cleaning service twice a month to ease your burden. And if it makes sense, a sitter so you can go out and do whatever. Stop doing his laundry and cook only for the kids - and just tell him matter of factly this is all you have time to do. Is it possible he has depression? Or some other medical issue? I was sick two weeks ago for the first time in years (meaning fever -where it really depletes your energy) and I resented that my husband watched me doing my typical evening cleaning of the kitchen, bathroom, etc and didn't lift a finger other than asking me how I was feeling. He said I wouldn't like how he does things and he has said this before. I reminded him that even if he thought that was true, there are still things he can offer to do and do (garbage, etc).

 

Also I don't talk about household needs- I text or email in a polite/neutral tone -that limits the conversations about mundane boring stuff that also might reveal my irritation or crankiness. And make sure you are letting him help. For example I texted my husband yesterday to wipe down our son's school binder because of all the illness going around. Takes two minutes but also just gets it off my long to do list. I'd never asked him to do that but now he's done it.

 

And I would count all the chauffering/getting ready he does- most people who have typical work schedules cannot pitch in that way -and it's time consuming and expensive to hire someone to do that for you. My husband has a flexible schedule and does that too and I "count" that.

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Naps 2-3 hours per day sounds like depression rather than laziness. Not having a purpose, stimulating work, just sitting home watching the kids, same boring routine, same four walls can do that to people. Something to consider and address. Why does he only work 2 days? Has he always been dirty or is this more recent? Depression saps energy and motivation to do anything and people who are depressed will sleep a lot.

 

As for cleanliness, some people just aren't. They don't feel the need, they don't even see it they way a tidy person does. As suggested, maybe hire a cleaning service at least twice a month or maybe even once a week if you can afford it. Twice per month is quite cheap and they will come in and do all the heavy cleaning, scrubbing, including laundry. You can customize what you do and don't want done.

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I was thinking that too Dancingfool. Staying home as primary caregiver isn't for everybody. For some it's a blessing and they can be happy with that. For others, they may need something more.

 

Worth talking about if he's happy rather than focus on the cleaning or that things must stay as they are.

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Why is he only working two days a week? I'm not sure if there's any devil in the details here, but at face value, if you're the breadwinner and he's only working two days a week, assuming he's not juggling babies or toddlers (which it doesn't sound like if your kids are in organized sports), then, frankly, his job is to take care of the house and children. If it's not his forte, he's gotta work more to bring more to the table financially so that others can be paid to handle household responsibilities.

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Make a list of chores that your kids can handle and explain to them that they will get a reward at the end of each week that all their chores have been completed. It's called allowance which they can put towards something they've wanted. Let them know that if things aren't picked up (or whatever it is you have them doing) that something they enjoy will be withheld. That's called consequences for their actions.

 

Make a list of chores that your husband can do and tell him if they are consistently done then he will get a reward at the end of the week if he's showered and shaved. *winkz*

 

Make a list of chores that you will be doing on a consistent basis which shows the rest that household chores are a family affair.

 

Encourage them when you come into a tidy home with words of encouragement and gratitude.

 

I know he only works two days a week but he's doing most of the things that a parent has to do with the children (school, sports, etc and he's also working) I know that when I was a stay at home mother the house wasn't always emaculate when my daughter had school, sports, after school activities etc. Not taking away from your frustrations, Op I know what its like to not get any help.

 

Things got better when I made lists. (and actually threw out his underwear when he kept leaving it on the floor lol)

 

Nip the kids laziness in the bud. You don't want them growing up to think that their partner is suppose to do it all.

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