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Boyfriend on an exchange project


Jenny00
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Hello, I’ll try to make this as brief as possible so thanks for any help possible :)!

So, little quick background me and my boyfriend have been together for coming up to 2 years now, relationship has been great all together although we had some ups and down the past 2 months (although this is irrelevant to this situation right now) but apart of anything we are very happy, get along great, planning a future together and just really love eachother etc.

So last week my boyfriend was offered to do an exchange project last minute, he was asked to host a Portuguese student for a week and then go to Portugal for a week himself in April. At first I was quite off about the idea because he didn’t Explain it at all to me before making up his mind and made it out to be a lads holiday with his university basically. But after better communication I understood more and was quite for it. Anyway, on Sunday morning (the person was coming on Sunday night) he found out it’s gonna be a girl staying in his house, so ofcourse I was slightly off simply due to the thought of some random new girl sleeping in my boyfriends house for a week, but tried very hard to get used to the idea as it was for school purposes after all. So basically all week from Monday onwards they’ve been meeting up with the rest of the group at the university and going out and visiting the whole country with the whole group but there’s been a few things that made me feel extremely off:

 

- the past few weeks we were being argumentative about never really going on dates anymore or doing new stuff, so I’ve been doing a lot to try and get us to find new activities where as In return he hasn’t really done much to find new activities or propose any new things, where as as soon as he found out this girl is coming he suddenly found a million activities that THEY could do, ofcourse I understand that he wanted to show her around but I felt bad seeing how much effort he’s putting into someone after literally putting none into me. Then on Monday I was trying to figure something out and texted him saying “oh how about we go play golf next week? We never went and it would be a nice day away :)” and he replied saying “oh yeah, me and the girl wanted to go so you can come with us” LIKE, seriously? I just abandoned the idea, I basically asked my boyfriend out on a date and he asked me out with another girl.

- generally he’s just been acting quite annoying all week, any time I showed any form of worry he kind of brushed it off and hasn’t really tried to be reassuring. He knows this is a big deal for me, a girl staying in his house and then him spending all week every day meeting all these people and visiting all these places with extremely pretty girls. I’m trying not to make a big deal out of it to him, but some reassurance during the week would have been nice.

- he texted me at the end of one of those days telling me about how one of his new foreign friends is a lesbian and told him that I’m really hot with a winky face so I was like awe okay cute but he followed it by telling me that she said “but I can understand why she likes you so much” and when I asked him what way she said it he changed the subject. So ofcourse my mind automatically assumed she was being flirty, and during this stressful week it wasn’t helping.

- and one of the last things, his exchange student is leaving tomorrow.. So I texted my boyfriend asking him what they’re all gonna be doing tomorrow before they go, like what’s the plans, what time they’re leaving etc. He said they’re gonna go visit the city, go play football and then go for a few pints with the exchange students before they go.. he told me they’re leaving at 8.30. But then I found out from his friend (who’s also doing the project, although his exchange student is leaving a day later so she’s staying another night) that in reality my boyfriends exchange student is leaving at 6 and that my boyfriend asked him to go for a pint with him and the girl. I’m probably making a big deal out of this one but he followed that girl on all social media and it’s making me uncomfortable cause he seems strangely interested and the fact he didn’t tell me he’s going for a pint with JUST them just kinda made me feel off...

 

I realise that I’m being quite protective, but I have some serious personal mental issues that I’ve been dealing with and some situations are just harder for me to deal with than others. Some situations this week caused me and my boyfriend to fight or argue, and now I kind of feel bad.

I want to know if any of you have been in this situation and how did you feel or how did you take it, I’ve been acting really off with him without even meaning to this week and I think I just need someone to tell me I have no reason to be. Also, should I bring up the whole situation with the pint? Thankyou so so much for any help :) !!!!

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you really need to lay off or you are going to lose your relationship.

 

I have had people in my family host foreign exchange students and its really no big deal. And this girl is only staying for ONE WEEK. The job of himself and his family is to show her how they live and to do things people like to do in the area. He is not dating her. So you can be the jealous girlfriend or you can get over yourself and make a new friend. if he had any other houseguest, he'd spend time with them and not go on the usual dates. he has included you, but you refuse to be included. She didn't come to your country to sit home.

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On one hand, it's just a week. A week is a short amount of time and really shouldn't disturb a stable relationship. I get the impression that your foundation with him is a bit shaky.

 

On the other hand, a boyfriend should be receptive to your feelings. He shouldn't just write you off as crazy or dismiss you. Also, I don't understand why he would lie about his exchange student leaving just so that he could go out with some friends. That's shady.

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you really need to lay off or you are going to lose your relationship.

 

I have had people in my family host foreign exchange students and its really no big deal. And this girl is only staying for ONE WEEK. The job of himself and his family is to show her how they live and to do things people like to do in the area. He is not dating her. So you can be the jealous girlfriend or you can get over yourself and make a new friend. if he had any other houseguest, he'd spend time with them and not go on the usual dates. he has included you, but you refuse to be included. She didn't come to your country to sit home.

 

I didn’t mean go on a date while she was here, I made it clear to him that I was planning the day away the week after she was gone. It just felt kinda ty when you ask your boyfriend to go on a date after not going out places in a while and get him to ask you out with another girl instead and completely ignore your idea of a date. It’s the way he reacted. I understand the whole purpose of the whole exchange thing but it’s his behaviour that bothered me. Thankyou for your point of view though, I know where you’re coming from 🙂

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I must say I would suspicious as well, why can't he bring you along? The thing that worry me is his lying. Wait out and see what happens, if he continues being cold, then ask him.

 

Cause it’s a university project only and we don’t go to the same place so I couldn’t exactly come, so I understand that. But just all the other behaviour apart from that, just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. We’re arguing again now :(

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On one hand, it's just a week. A week is a short amount of time and really shouldn't disturb a stable relationship. I get the impression that your foundation with him is a bit shaky.

 

On the other hand, a boyfriend should be receptive to your feelings. He shouldn't just write you off as crazy or dismiss you. Also, I don't understand why he would lie about his exchange student leaving just so that he could go out with some friends. That's shady.

 

Yeah it’s been a bit rocky lately, and that may be the reason I’m finding this so hard to handle. One day things are perfect and then the next we argue for no reason, but we both know we always want to sort everything out when we argue. He’s been quite disrespectful recently about how I feel, and you’re right :( recently when I get worried instead of getting reassurance I get called crazy :( thankyou very much for your insight !!!

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He said they’re gonna go visit the city, go play football and then go for a few pints with the exchange students before they go.. he told me they’re leaving at 8.30. But then I found out from his friend (who’s also doing the project, although his exchange student is leaving a day later so she’s staying another night) that in reality my boyfriends exchange student is leaving at 6 and that my boyfriend asked him to go for a pint with him and the girl. I’m probably making a big deal out of this one but he followed that girl on all social media and it’s making me uncomfortable cause he seems strangely interested and the fact he didn’t tell me he’s going for a pint with JUST them just kinda made me feel off...

 

Holy crap ==== so the exchange student is leaving at 8:30 = whats the difference if they go out for a drink at 6 with a friend before she leaves at 8:30. People can tell if you are asking what's going on because you are interested in their well being an day versus you are "checking up" on them and making a list of their every move throughout the day. You really need to relax. Seriously. And if its a university project OF COURSE he has started to follow her on social media probably like the other exchange students. My niece and nephew are in a program like this and they exchanged with two girls. It was no big flippin deal. They have a family to help them out or visit if they ever go to that country again.

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He said they’re gonna go visit the city, go play football and then go for a few pints with the exchange students before they go.. he told me they’re leaving at 8.30. But then I found out from his friend (who’s also doing the project, although his exchange student is leaving a day later so she’s staying another night) that in reality my boyfriends exchange student is leaving at 6 and that my boyfriend asked him to go for a pint with him and the girl. I’m probably making a big deal out of this one but he followed that girl on all social media and it’s making me uncomfortable cause he seems strangely interested and the fact he didn’t tell me he’s going for a pint with JUST them just kinda made me feel off...

 

Holy crap ==== so the exchange student is leaving at 8:30 = whats the difference if they go out for a drink at 6 with a friend before she leaves at 8:30. People can tell if you are asking what's going on because you are interested in their well being an day versus you are "checking up" on them and making a list of their every move throughout the day. You really need to relax. Seriously. And if its a university project OF COURSE he has started to follow her on social media probably like the other exchange students. My niece and nephew are in a program like this and they exchanged with two girls. It was no big flippin deal. They have a family to help them out or visit if they ever go to that country again.

 

Sorry I may not have made that sentence clear enough...his exchange student is leaving at 6pm but he told me she’s leaving at 8.30. This may not seem like a big deal, but the fact he lied to me just to go out for a pint with this other boy and girl just made it feel shady. It would have been different if he straight up told me she’s leaving early but he’s going out for a pint with him and her after, it just seems shady that you could clearly see he was trying to cover that up..

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Sorry I may not have made that sentence clear enough...his exchange student is leaving at 6pm but he told me she’s leaving at 8.30. This may not seem like a big deal, but the fact he lied to me just to go out for a pint with this other boy and girl just made it feel shady. It would have been different if he straight up told me she’s leaving early but he’s going out for a pint with him and her after, it just seems shady that you could clearly see he was trying to cover that up..

 

It seems everything is shady to you. you are insecure and checked up on him with his friends - you asked the friend what time the student left, did you not? That's just out of control. The friend could have his wires crossed on the times as well. Why did you not take him up on the mini golf and hang out with the foreign exchange student? You are proving so resistant to everything. Can he not wind down with a pint with friends?

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I'm of two minds about this.

 

On one hand, it's clear that you're insecure and checking up on him, OP. Your questions to him and his friend about scheduling don't come across as general interest, so he likely is annoyed. He might indeed be lying to you because he knows if he tells you the truth about what time every one is leaving you'd become upset if he indicated that he wanted to spend time with his friends rather than see you. Not a great reason to lie, but it could be his misguided attempt at getting some space from you.

 

On the other hand, if his lack of initiative was a pre-existing problem, then perhaps he is in fact starting to lose interest in your relationship. I don't think this exchange program was really the issue, but all these other problems between you began bubbling to the surface in the context of this exchange week. But it appears that the problems were already there, no?

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Jenny apologies if this has been asked and answered but does your boyfriend live with his family?

 

And was it his *family* that got asked to host the student or did they ask him "personally" to host her, at his home, that he either lives alone in or shares with other students or friends?

 

If his family was asked to host, then that is very typical and would not worry so much about it.

 

I could be very wrong, and please correct me if I am, but never heard of a university asking a single man living alone or with friends to host a female exchange student on their own.

 

They just sounds odd to me.

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Jenny apologies if this has been asked and answered but does your boyfriend live with his family?

 

And was it his *family* that got asked to host the student or did they ask him "personally" to host her, at his home, that he either lives alone in or shares with other students or friends?

 

If his family was asked to host, then that is very typical and would not worry so much about it.

 

I could be very wrong, and please correct me if I am, but never heard of a university asking a single man living alone or with friends to host a female exchange student on their own.

 

They just sounds odd to me.

 

My boyfriend currently lives with his parents due to the fact he lives very close to his university and is currently not able to afford his own place. But he was asked personally to host the girl, his family didn’t know till the day she was coming as it was very last minute due to the fact a few people dropped out last minute, he only found out 3 days before she came. I didn’t like how the university didn’t give him the choice of choosing whether he would prefer to host a girl or boy, and all the other students had that option. Ofcourse the fact that he lives with his parents and hosted her there made her staying over much easier to handle for me, as opposed to if he had to host her if he had his own place. But it still irritated me knowing he’s spending afternoons watching movies with her alone etc as his parents worked night shifts. Not that I don’t trust him, in the back of my head I know he wouldn’t try to hurt me on purpose. But that didn’t take away the stress and overthinking :( thankyou for your response !!!

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It seems everything is shady to you. you are insecure and checked up on him with his friends - you asked the friend what time the student left, did you not? That's just out of control. The friend could have his wires crossed on the times as well. Why did you not take him up on the mini golf and hang out with the foreign exchange student? You are proving so resistant to everything. Can he not wind down with a pint with friends?

 

Not everything is shady to me, I didn’t ask his friend what time they’re leaving etc. Me and his friend talk frequently as we’re all a group of friends, he brought it up himself just telling me how the project is going along. He goes out with his friends frequently and I never do anything to stop it, give him his free will, he goes out for a pint almost every week. But the fact he tried to hide it from me is what made me uncomfortable. And yes he can wind down with a pint with his friends,but he’s been with them every single day of this week for a pint after travelling from the project, and because of all this we haven’t seen eachother in 2 weeks so I think I have the right to be upset when he preferred to hide going for a pint with all them AGAIN. And not making any effort into seeing me after not seeing me for 2 weeks. After all I agreed to go golfing with them but they changed plans to do something else and I wasn’t invited so I couldn’t just invite myself.

 

He’s my boyfriend, who lives 10 minutes away from me who I haven’t seen in 2 weeks. You can’t blame me for finding it troubling that he’s not making plans to see me and hides going out for a pint.

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My boyfriend currently lives with his parents due to the fact he lives very close to his university and is currently not able to afford his own place. But he was asked personally to host the girl, his family didn’t know till the day she was coming as it was very last minute due to the fact a few people dropped out last minute, he only found out 3 days before she came. I didn’t like how the university didn’t give him the choice of choosing whether he would prefer to host a girl or boy, and all the other students had that option. Ofcourse the fact that he lives with his parents and hosted her there made her staying over much easier to handle for me, as opposed to if he had to host her if he had his own place. But it still irritated me knowing he’s spending afternoons watching movies with her alone etc as his parents worked night shifts. Not that I don’t trust him, in the back of my head I know he wouldn’t try to hurt me on purpose. But that didn’t take away the stress and overthinking :( thankyou for your response !!!

 

His FAMILY is hosting her. When my nephew and niece did it -- they were asked personally but they were both living at home and would not have been chosen if the exchange student was staying in their door room. You are reallly really trying to LOOK for trouble here, honestly!!!

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He’s my boyfriend, who lives 10 minutes away from me who I haven’t seen in 2 weeks. You can’t blame me for finding it troubling that he’s not making plans to see me and hides going out for a pint.

 

Its your fault that you haven't seen him in two weeks. You could have gone golfing with them. You declined. You chose not to be included.

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His FAMILY is hosting her. When my nephew and niece did it -- they were asked personally but they were both living at home and would not have been chosen if the exchange student was staying in their door room. You are reallly really trying to LOOK for trouble here, honestly!!!

 

You’re being really rude. I haven’t done anything wrong. My boyfriends parents were not home half of the time, they spent nights watching movies together in his room. I haven’t acted on what I was feeling towards that, I haven’t told him how badly uncomfortable it made me. So how am I looking for trouble? I came here for help, to ask people if what I’m feeling is normal. Not people being rude to me. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff lately, and him being cold doesn’t help.

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Its your fault that you haven't seen him in two weeks. You could have gone golfing with them. You declined. You chose not to be included.

 

How is it my fault? You’re being extremely rude, you really shouldn’t be on sites like this giving people advice if that’s all the advice you got. It seems as if you haven’t read any of my later comments. I have later agreed to go golfing with them two, but they changed plans and decided to do something else, something that I wasn’t invited to so I was hardly going to invite myself. He did NOTHING to try and see me in two weeks, where as I have suggested multiple things. (Notice how the girl was only here for a week, the previous week was just him being picky) so I thought that he would be happy to come and finally see me after the girl was gone so we could spend some time together after not seeing him for a while but he preferred to go for a pint with his friends that he’s been seeing all week. I even suggested the three of us go do something after the golf was cancelled but nothing came from it on their side, so please, tell me again, how is it my fault?

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abitbroken, what are you doing? I don't think you're helping Jenny00 by talking to her this way.

 

Thankyou :( it really upsets me how inconsiderate some people are. This site is supposed to help people and make them feel NOT alone, not make them feel worse about the already bad situation :(

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