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Emotionally Unavailable....how do you get through to them?


Skatterbunny
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Never understood what truly being emotionally unavailable meant until i met my partner. You dont realise it at first...but as time goes on you realise that they only let you in a tiny bit...enough to let you think they love you. But then you realise that you cant get anything deeper...they dont confide in you..they dont try to dig deeper into finding out who you are...its just superficial happiness and at the first sign of stress he bails out on me. Why do men get like this? Are they able to change or am i fighting a losing battle?

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it isn't just men, and it is likely both of you who are avoiding intimacy in opposite ways. have you read about insecure attachment - avoidant, in attachment theory and romantic relationships? If not, it may help.

 

The answer is, you don't try to get through. It has nothing to do with you. Accept what is offered, and decide if you can be happy with that.

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You deserve someone who will open up to you, tell you their feelings, truly hears you, asks your advice because they trust you, and is all around emotionally available to you. I've had many discussions with my boyfriend about opening up to me but turns out he had been hiding things way worse than just not confiding in me. It may be in your best interest to be with someone who acts like your bff but shows you respect like a bf would and understands that opening up to each other, brings you closer as a couple.

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I can't believe this, after what you posted two days back.

 

I thought you were done with this cheating, lying abusive creep! Unbelievable!

 

THIS IS WHO HE IS. HE WILL NOT CHANGE! Are you going to accept the other men in his life???

 

Get some therapy and get tested for STDs. I feel so sorry for your daughter.

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I can't believe this, after what you posted two days back.

 

I thought you were done with this cheating, lying abusive creep! Unbelievable!

 

THIS IS WHO HE IS. HE WILL NOT CHANGE! Are you going to accept the other men in his life???

 

Get some therapy and get tested for STDs. I feel so sorry for your daughter.

 

I never said i was staying did i? Even if i need to end the relationship that does not change the fact that i love him and we have a child together...im simply asking for advice in why or how men become like this and if there is a way to help them. We dont come on here to be picked on so keep your comments to yourself if you have nothing constructive to say. .....:eek:

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it isn't just men, and it is likely both of you who are avoiding intimacy in opposite ways. have you read about insecure attachment - avoidant, in attachment theory and romantic relationships? If not, it may help.

 

The answer is, you don't try to get through. It has nothing to do with you. Accept what is offered, and decide if you can be happy with that.

 

Thanks for your reply...yes i have been reading a lot on attachment theory since before i had my daughter. I think we are both insecure avoidant types but he out does anyone i know! And the weirdest thing is its not just me he is unavailable to...he avoids everyone! Has no friends only sees my friends, nobody ever calls him..he never goes out unless i organise it, nobody from his past whatsoever. Yet he seems happy that way.

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To answer your posted question, no, unfortunately, someone who is emotionally unavailable does not, and likely will not, change. This might be so deep-rooted in their childhood that there will likely never be a resolution.

 

It’s extremely frustrating to be with someone so emotionally unavailable, as you never fully know where you stand, and you are left feeling like you are on eggshells all the time. I’ve been there, and it’s all-consuming.

 

Here’s the thing: there are men who are great at showing emotions, who want to make sure you know how they feel, and who are open and kind. The key is, figure out why you are not drawn to one of these men. This might take therapy, to get at the heart of it.

 

Edited to add: just read your other thread. Wow. Please leave him immediately, and DO NOT HAVE another child with him. And please get some therapy. This isn’t meant to be harsh on you, but the opposite: I mean this in the most caring way possible. This is actually a scary situation.

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Thanks for your reply...yes i have been reading a lot on attachment theory since before i had my daughter. I think we are both insecure avoidant types but he out does anyone i know! And the weirdest thing is its not just me he is unavailable to...he avoids everyone! Has no friends only sees my friends, nobody ever calls him..he never goes out unless i organise it, nobody from his past whatsoever. Yet he seems happy that way.

 

yes that may be true about him

 

more interesting is how determined you are to focus your thoughts on him instead of on yourself. you, too, are perpetuating the avoidant pattern.

 

i used to be avoidant. to change, i needed to revisit some childhood issues. a psychotherapist might be useful.

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To answer your posted question, no, unfortunately, someone who is emotionally unavailable does not, and likely will not, change. This might be so deep-rooted in their childhood that there will likely never be a resolution.

 

Is there really a disorder of some sort for that? Never heard of it being a thing. I always think "emotional unavailable" is code for "I don't like/love you but I'm having fun with you so I stay"

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http://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

 

this link may be helpful

 

it is a difficulty forming secure attachments that typically results from a sense of abandonment or trespass in childhood.

 

for example, in my case i felt abandoned by my father - who loved me and was part of the household - because of his own remoteness, anger, etc. This left me with a need to feel embraced by proxies of my father, which need was never met because a man can't love me like a father would. i didn't know this was my issue till i went digging. I got over it by forgiving my dad and addressing the fact that i made it this far without him. i didn't need him like i thought i did - and i had him in ways i didn't recognize. it was time to let go of that old agenda item from my childhood.

 

most often people don't do the work, and i get it. it was hard, painful, scary. was also powerful, enlightening. worth well more than the substantial effort.

Edited by IAmFCA
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im simply asking for advice in why or how men become like this and if there is a way to help them.

 

It's not just men, it's people in general. Some people are great expressing their feelings, some are not. Some are actually incapable of feeling much, and those are what we call "emotionally unavailable". It could stem from their childhood, or life experiences, or that's just the way they are wired, who knows.

I didn't read your other thread so my answer is strictly based on this one, and I am talking as someone who's been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable. You can't change them, and you can't help. Help what? They don't think they have a problem, in fact they don't, this is just the way they are. The only thing to do is accept this, and decide if it is something you can live with. Few things are more frustrating than feeling you just can't break through the shell and get deep enough, one minute you think you've made progress and the next thing you know they are back to not letting you in. The bad news is that this is not going to change, unless they decide to work on themselves and try to open up a bit more. Yes, they can do it, usually if they see you are slipping away and they care enough about you to want to keep you. But this is generally short lived, as once they have you back they will go back to the way they've been, because that is their real nature.

 

I understand loving someone (no matter how unworthy of your love they may be) and not wanting to let them go until you really, really have to. It's a tough situation to be in because there is no answer to it, it's just a matter of sticking with it until you either accept it or grow resentful and eventually break it off because you've had enough.

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Agree. You can begin now to talk to friends and family and enlist their help. Also prepare financially. Do you work? Can you live with friends/family while you sort things out with regard to child support and custody? The sooner you leave and choose happiness and healthy living for yourself and your daughter the sooner you'll be ready to date emotionally available decent men who want a family with you.

It takes time to prepare to leave ..things to put in place to ensure my safety and my daughters when we leave.
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Agree. You can begin now to talk to friends and family and enlist their help. Also prepare financially. Do you work? Can you live with friends/family while you sort things out with regard to child support and custody? The sooner you leave and choose happiness and healthy living for yourself and your daughter the sooner you'll be ready to date emotionally available decent men who want a family with you.

 

Adding

 

Some details are easier to sort out after you walk out the door. A surprising amount of clarity occurs just by creating physical distance, by putting yourself in a safe and respectful environment.

 

Trapping yourself in a home where you are virtually erased from existence is a sort of self torture that harms you every day. It is hard to see what the world is like from that vantage point.

 

I look forward to you finding a better way.

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