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Probable Aspergers strains.


dave_1966
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Posting here again, I wish I didn't need to. I've been in a relationship with an amazing woman whom I heavily suspect is heavily on the Aspergers spectrum for a year and a half, and whilst it's had its ups and downs (more ups than downs) it can be really challenging sometimes. She warned me she thought she had traits when we met, and I went off and read up about it to be armed with all the relevant info. Her behaviour ticks most of the boxes for the condition, sensory issues, routines, pedantic grammar, specialist interests, too many things to mention really. She's exceptionally intelligent, in the academic sense, and her career reflects this. At the same time, I've got a degree and have my own very rewarding career which I think she respects. Over the time I've gotten to know her she's done a few things that I would have seriously questioned in a NT/NT relationship (I'm NT) that I think lacked emotional IQ, but things were resolved amicably in the end. I am forever taking the time to understand things from a perceived Aspergers viewpoint, which is challenging in itself and often quite hard work.

 

However, a few days ago she said that she wondered how compatible we were sometimes and accused me of a couple of awful character traits that I do not have in the least, like 1000% don't have. I will not say what they were, but to hear these two words in the same sentence is outrageous. Things so serious that I have made an active stance against them all my adult life as a respectful person. I was stunned, so I told her that nobody speaks to me like that and left straight away to go home.

 

I have not heard a thing from her since, and have been just been getting on with stuff. When we had a little dispute a while back, it took her about four or five days to process the problem as there is a clear deficit on emotional responses, plus she said she was having an 'autistic spell' and needed space to deal with it. I got the impression the day before she said these things to me that she may be entering another 'spell'. The statements she made about me were so bad that if I had dared to say them to her I would have apologised immediately, especially as they're not actually grounded in any reality. Even if we're done, I'm amazed she hasn't communicated an apology in the light of things.

 

I thought I was getting the hang of this relationship, but now I'm just left stunned. Did I do the right thing?

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How long have you been dating? Unfortunately there is a lot of incompatibility. Another problem is she is still processing her divorce. Many of these things may not have to do with AS but just plain old divorce rebound and sexual incompatibility.

A little while ago I met a beautiful woman, recently divorced, who after a couple of dates told me she was on the autistic spectrum. the other night she was telling me the things that could turn her on and suggested polyamory. so many of her stories and choice of male friends seem to show that she's already possibly been living this life and may still be doing so.
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Well, Aspergers isn't a strain as it is not a disease but a neurological difference. We have no clue what she said. Sometimes what they consider offensive and what an NT considers offensive is different. It could too now she needs time away from people many people on the autism spectrum can't spend loads and loads of time people . My son has Aspergers and he's intensely reclusive .

 

I would treat every autistic individual as well an individual . Many many many many autistic people have stories of how horribly they've been treated by NT society as well . Believe me I have been witness to it with my son.

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Yes, you did the right thing by leaving her place when she accused you of abominable things. No matter the person's psychological issues, I just wouldn't choose a lifetime partner who said such things to me, and then go days without clearing the air and making things right.

 

If she suspected she has Asperger's, she should've sought therapy to learn better skills on communicating with others. Just as you shouldn't date a person who is depressed unless they are controlling it with things such as antidepressants and psychiatric care, you shouldn't date someone who isn't doing anything about the negative traits of their syndrome.

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Thanks Wiseman, interesting. We're past that, sorted it out satisfactorily. It was inappropriate and not true, just as the latest abusive comments were. Completely out of context, like Tourettes. Interestingly though, you highlight the fact that the statements she comes out with are not based in reality in the least, and seem to tumble from her mind unfiltered by the brain. Our sexual compatibility has been more than adequate.

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Thanks Wiseman, interesting. We're past that, sorted it out satisfactorily. It was inappropriate and not true, just as the latest abusive comments were. Completely out of context, like Tourettes. Interestingly though, you highlight the fact that the statements she comes out with are not based in reality in the least, and seem to tumble from her mind unfiltered by the brain. Our sexual compatibility has been more than adequate.

 

I will not say what they were, but to hear these two words in the same sentence is outrageous.

 

are you sure it isn't true?? If she does has asperger's she is not paranoid - she is an overly honest person and doesn't sugar coat things.

 

Absolutely not true, in any way. I had to ask a very long standing friend what they thought of it, completely absurd.

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I suppose you can accept that she will have these moments of saying inappropriate things. But in the long run can you accept that she isn't able to reconcile them and have some empathy for the effect that it has on you and the relationship?

 

I would be concerned that these types of episodes would become accumulative and at some point you might grow tired of not having any consolation.

It just sounds like this is what you have and are you going to be able to over look it and focus on the positive?

 

That and her conflict resolution style. There are some benefits to taking a time out to regroup. But what happens here is a total shutdown.

 

It looks like you have some things to seriously consider.

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Yes, in my opinion you did the right thing.

 

She was making blatant statements about you that were wrong and unfair. You cannot justify it by her having a "spell". She knew what she was doing and even more so she seems to have no regrets or else she would have tried to make it right.

 

Besides the fact that she was never outright diagnosed so you don't know for sure what she is dealing with.

 

You can't be with someone who thinks bad things about you like that.

 

It's unfortunate, but you are better off alone than with someone who has a bad opinion of you.

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I'm wary of self-diagnosis, or reading a list of characteristics and drawing conclusions from them, without a diagnosis from a clinician. Have you ever worked with, or known, adults on the autistic spectrum and seen what the rituals, sensory issues etc actually look like in practice? (I'm not talking about stuff you've read in a book, or online, I mean, actual lived experience). To put it another way,

I am forever taking the time to understand things from a perceived Aspergers viewpoint, which is challenging in itself and often quite hard work.
do you actually have any experience which would equip you for this? It's just that your description doesn't sound like someone who ranks 'heavily' on the autistic spectrum!

 

I once met a guy who told me that his ex-partner had told him he had Asperger's. I introduced him to a couple of people I know who really HAVE got Asperger's, both guys who were trying earnestly to function in a world which made little sense to them but managing nevertheless, and he conceded that no, he probably didn't.

 

Also, what on earth did she mean by an autistic 'spell'? Or was she referring to the SPELL framework?

 

Whatever, all you need to know is that she treated you terribly, and you don't need to know why - just that she did, and this is likely to happen again in the future, and this is part of who she is.

 

Onwards and upwards!

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It sounds like you’ll be expected to simply understand and overlook that her behavior. She will need help in coping with her deficits. If she won’t take responsibility for it then it isn’t fair to expect someone who cares for you to carry the brunt. I have a mood disorder and I take meds and I have a therapist. I’ve learned ways to manage my off days and take responsibility for ME without abusing those around me. Autism is different than a MD however she is high functioning and hasn’t even been diagnosed! There could be help for her. I’d wait for her to reach out and if she want to salvage the relationship then the expectation should be that she get help.

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Absolutely not true, in any way. I had to ask a very long standing friend what they thought of it, completely absurd.

 

Then what did she accuse you of?? Also, keep in mind, your friend is not dating you. My ex was perceived one way by his friends and a different way by his spouse. Your friend is not dating you.

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Posting here again, I wish I didn't need to. I've been in a relationship with an amazing woman whom I heavily suspect is heavily on the Aspergers spectrum for a year and a half, and whilst it's had its ups and downs (more ups than downs) it can be really challenging sometimes. She warned me she thought she had traits when we met, and I went off and read up about it to be armed with all the relevant info. Her behaviour ticks most of the boxes for the condition, sensory issues, routines, pedantic grammar, specialist interests, too many things to mention really. She's exceptionally intelligent, in the academic sense, and her career reflects this. At the same time, I've got a degree and have my own very rewarding career which I think she respects. Over the time I've gotten to know her she's done a few things that I would have seriously questioned in a NT/NT relationship (I'm NT) that I think lacked emotional IQ, but things were resolved amicably in the end. I am forever taking the time to understand things from a perceived Aspergers viewpoint, which is challenging in itself and often quite hard work.

 

However, a few days ago she said that she wondered how compatible we were sometimes and accused me of a couple of awful character traits that I do not have in the least, like 1000% don't have. I will not say what they were, but to hear these two words in the same sentence is outrageous. Things so serious that I have made an active stance against them all my adult life as a respectful person. I was stunned, so I told her that nobody speaks to me like that and left straight away to go home.

 

I have not heard a thing from her since, and have been just been getting on with stuff. When we had a little dispute a while back, it took her about four or five days to process the problem as there is a clear deficit on emotional responses, plus she said she was having an 'autistic spell' and needed space to deal with it. I got the impression the day before she said these things to me that she may be entering another 'spell'. The statements she made about me were so bad that if I had dared to say them to her I would have apologised immediately, especially as they're not actually grounded in any reality. Even if we're done, I'm amazed she hasn't communicated an apology in the light of things.

 

I thought I was getting the hang of this relationship, but now I'm just left stunned. Did I do the right thing?

 

My EX GF's Son was Autistic, and although she called his condition as Aspergers.... Still I think he was by far more Autistic on a higher level than being an Aspie.... And believe me I did a lot of educating myself as I did care for this boy... However one thing I learned... People with this psychological disorder have no empathy for others... They have no feelings... They are very selfish... They live in their own special world... Her Son often would hit my daughter for no apparent reason, but for the fact that she was a 10 year old girl... Of course he is 16 and quite large for his size, with a brain of a 2 year old when it came to social behavior... Although he was super smart on one or two particular things, he had no social skills... And usually that is the thing.... They do not possess the ability to love or have empathy for others.... Eventually I ended this relationship, I could just simply no longer deal with it... And my children did not like the situation either... Lack of empathy......

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Then what did she accuse you of?? Also, keep in mind, your friend is not dating you. My ex was perceived one way by his friends and a different way by his spouse. Your friend is not dating you.

 

What bit of 'I will not say what they were' do you not understand? It was offensive enough to not want to put on the internet, so use your imagination.

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My EX GF's Son was Autistic, and although she called his condition as Aspergers.... Still I think he was by far more Autistic on a higher level than being an Aspie.... And believe me I did a lot of educating myself as I did care for this boy... However one thing I learned... People with this psychological disorder have no empathy for others... They have no feelings... They are very selfish... They live in their own special world... Her Son often would hit my daughter for no apparent reason, but for the fact that she was a 10 year old girl... Of course he is 16 and quite large for his size, with a brain of a 2 year old when it came to social behavior... Although he was super smart on one or two particular things, he had no social skills... And usually that is the thing.... They do not possess the ability to love or have empathy for others.... Eventually I ended this relationship, I could just simply no longer deal with it... And my children did not like the situation either... Lack of empathy......

Actually ZERO of that is true. That is a bad stereotype.

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Actually ZERO of that is true. That is a bad stereotype.

 

Call me naïve, but is none of it true?

 

I had a neighbor raising her severely autistic grandson and most of what he described fit. . with the exception of the inability to love.

That I believe not to be true.

I wouldn't say they are not empathetic but have varied degrees of the ability to understand another's pain or other social queues.

But not totally unempathetic. Surely I am not an authority on this and I apologize for my ignorance. I am just really curious.

 

Doesn't it depend on the degree? You can find varied differences between the degree and Autism and Asperger's. And aren't they similar in a lot of ways and

much different than others. Why are the two so often confused?

 

I dated someone for a very short time who I believe to have a certain degree of Autism or Asperger's.

I didn't recognize it at the time but I did sense something was going on.

 

He seemed unable to make a true emotional connection, scattered speech and lack of eye contact.

He had a lot of strict routines and while reading up on it accidently I learned that the term `stimming' for the repetitious things one does to soothe themselves.

He would have to crack the knuckles of his fingers, wrists, elbows and ankles only to do again about twenty or 30 mins later. I could tell he would try to resist but the urge overcame him. I playfully tried to stop him once only to be met with a glare.

 

I really liked him. He was a kind, gentle, handsome man but ultimately I wasn't able to feel any sort of emotional connection with him or otherwise.

He was drummer in a famous band in his youth and worked in finance as an adult. He was very much a loaner that wanted the company of woman and just really didn't know how to go about it. He sometimes blurted out awkward things that would catch me off guard and confused. It wasn't until I said my final goodbye that I figured what might possibly be going on for him. I also think he was fully aware. I just wish he had told me. That would have been the responsible thing to do.

 

Come to think of it, long before I came to ENA I posted this experience on a forum dedicated to Autism/Aspberger and got flamed. Not sure what I said wrong.

Maybe you can tell me?

 

Sorry. . don't mean to derail your thread.

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What bit of 'I will not say what they were' do you not understand? It was offensive enough to not want to put on the internet, so use your imagination.

 

That's not even possible. you could say "she said that i am abusive and pinch her" "she said that i like men" "she said that she thinks i prefer a certain sex act that she doesn't do" Just give us a general category.

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I am not going to answer presently, lately I am tired of misconceptions and stereotypes and basic lack of knowledge. I have looked after hundreds of people with autism and my own son.

 

I just don’t have it in me to teach today. Just sick of society today in general and no one in specific.

 

Sorry .

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It's like me with schizoid Affective and people comparing me to Norman Bates from psycho just hearing my diagnosis but not getting to know that I'm far from the stigma they have attached.

 

Op don't self diagnose this woman and if you feel bothered by what she says then don't keep seeing her. If you aren't comfortable no matter what it is she has then just move on. That's my best advice. Every individual with different problems, the problems are going to be unique. It's up to you if you can take the good and bad.

 

Lisa

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It's like me with schizoid Affective and people comparing me to Norman Bates from psycho just hearing my diagnosis but not getting to know that I'm far from the stigma they have attached.

 

Op don't self diagnose this woman and if you feel bothered by what she says then don't keep seeing her. If you aren't comfortable no matter what it is she has then just move on. That's my best advice. Every individual with different problems, the problems are going to be unique. It's up to you if you can take the good and bad.

 

Lisa

 

Lisa, I think a lot of people skim through posts here without reading them properly. Please read again, she told me that she had traits. I have not diagnosed this woman, it's apparent through her visible actions that there is something present.

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You know, the problem with having empathy is that you feel bad about things. Because I believe she most likely has Aspergers, I feel the urge to break silence and point out in a text to her that insulting someone with highly abusive comments is not nice and that she should at least apologise. I'm only considering this because I don't actually think she's capable of thinking in this way. The insults were just words to her, most likely.

 

Alternatively, should I just sit back and wait for her to get in touch? I'm not sure she will if she's not taking advice off someone who's NT. I would particularly welcome feedback from people with direct experience of this condition.

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You know, the problem with having empathy is that you feel bad about things. Because I believe she most likely has Aspergers, I feel the urge to break silence and point out in a text to her that insulting someone with highly abusive comments is not nice and that she should at least apologise. I'm only considering this because I don't actually think she's capable of thinking in this way. The insults were just words to her, most likely.

 

Alternatively, should I just sit back and wait for her to get in touch? I'm not sure she will if she's not taking advice off someone who's NT. I would particularly welcome feedback from people with direct experience of this condition.

 

People with Aspergers DO feel bad. Sometimes the showing of empathy is different not that there isnt any. I have not had a romantic relationship with someone with Aspergers but with someone not neuro typical . There are other non neurotypicals. Since I don’t know what was said not much I can do . If you feel it was horrible and out of line it is your right to do so . If you feel she owes you an apology just tell her that .

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Call me naïve, but is none of it true?

 

I had a neighbor raising her severely autistic grandson and most of what he described fit. . with the exception of the inability to love.

That I believe not to be true.

I wouldn't say they are not empathetic but have varied degrees of the ability to understand another's pain or other social queues.

But not totally unempathetic. Surely I am not an authority on this and I apologize for my ignorance. I am just really curious.

 

Doesn't it depend on the degree? You can find varied differences between the degree and Autism and Asperger's. And aren't they similar in a lot of ways and

much different than others. Why are the two so often confused?

 

I dated someone for a very short time who I believe to have a certain degree of Autism or Asperger's.

I didn't recognize it at the time but I did sense something was going on.

 

He seemed unable to make a true emotional connection, scattered speech and lack of eye contact.

He had a lot of strict routines and while reading up on it accidently I learned that the term `stimming' for the repetitious things one does to soothe themselves.

He would have to crack the knuckles of his fingers, wrists, elbows and ankles only to do again about twenty or 30 mins later. I could tell he would try to resist but the urge overcame him. I playfully tried to stop him once only to be met with a glare.

 

I really liked him. He was a kind, gentle, handsome man but ultimately I wasn't able to feel any sort of emotional connection with him or otherwise.

He was drummer in a famous band in his youth and worked in finance as an adult. He was very much a loaner that wanted the company of woman and just really didn't know how to go about it. He sometimes blurted out awkward things that would catch me off guard and confused. It wasn't until I said my final goodbye that I figured what might possibly be going on for him. I also think he was fully aware. I just wish he had told me. That would have been the responsible thing to do.

 

Come to think of it, long before I came to ENA I posted this experience on a forum dedicated to Autism/Aspberger and got flamed. Not sure what I said wrong.

Maybe you can tell me?

 

Sorry. . don't mean to derail your thread.

 

I agree with you...

I could not understand why her kid kept on beating on my smaller kid... A 16 year old giant hitting a little girl over and over... Just because she was a girl and maybe annoying to him...

However he had speech issue...walked in circles and repeated words...had imaginary friends...didn't shower...ate his own boogers...could not order a meal without using someone as a median... kept on hurting my kid.... I don't blame him or stereotype this kid.... However, shame on his mother for recognizing it and brushing it under the carpet... Eventually I confronted her.... She dismissed it all and assigned a name to it as Aspergers.... However he was always out of sight and out of mind.... She never gave a hoot about him nor made a single move to help him out... She did not care if he did his homework or if he ate dinner.. One time he went to school barefoot in winter, but the bus driver would not let him on the bus.... His safe haven was X box.... All day and all night....Out of mind and out of sight....

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