Jump to content

My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
 Share

Recommended Posts

After I found out my ex was cheating & threw him out he started telling me how I had thrown him out of his house, how I had destroyed the family blah blah blah.

Things were different for me because I had 2 small children.

He then rewrote history, saying how he didnt start "seeing her" til after I threw him out. That was pretty funny seeing how I found the emails professing his love for her & detailing their weekends away.

 

It got pretty nasty, he wanted to take the kids from me, started a business & lied about his income so my child support went from $1400 a month to $25, moved her into the house we built together...the list just goes on & on.

 

What I am trying to say is that his cheating showed his personality not mine. I didnt change. Our marraige was crap, but it didnt give him the right to cheat. He should have been a man & told me he wanted to leave, then start things with her, not have his fun & come home to a warm meal, clothes washed & ironed & a clean house.

I felt so betrayed. I knew his work mates & obviously they all knew what was happening.

 

In the end he married her (white wedding hahhahaha) and after 8 yrs together she cheated on him with her new boss. We was devastated & sent me a message asking how could she do this to me LOLOLOL. I sent him the same message you sent the POS.

 

Karma is amazing & so is time. It does heal eventually.

 

 

Leaving was the best decision I ever made. I never had to worry about why he was home late, who he was talking to or was it a work conference.

 

 

Your wife lied to your face for 6 months, made you doubt yourself, embarrassed you at a restaurant. She is not a nice person, she is cold & calculating & a cheater.

 

 

Totally agree with Shelly and the statement "She is not a nice person, she is cold & calculating & a cheater.". I never really judge people but based on everything you have shared on this thread to date, your wife is exactly what my ex is, exactly how Shelly describes her. Go to Counselling if you wish, but in my opinion she is too irrational and certainly not a nice person therefore I believe counselling will just put you through more head torturing with no positive outcome. With all respect, your wife is a total tramp.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the military style operation. If you are having your suspicions then you need to do what’s right to be able to salvage your marriage or walk away knowing the truth. She is disrespecting you and your marriage, texting at all hours, giving him a watch? Really, something a little less expensive would’ve sufficed if she anted to impress him. She most likely does still love you but is blind to the fact that she is hurting you. Also, the fact that she isn’t being very transparent about her texts, deleting them before you look through them is not a good sign. She is hiding something. I had an issue with my boyfriend recently ( I went through his phone and found he texted some girl early in our relationship and in Oct another girl, I knew it because he was emotionally unavailable to me) but we have resolved this and it’s come down now if I’ve asked to see his phone, he without hesitation shows it to me and now doesn’t keep a passcode on it. It seems she can’t be transparent with you and especially you’ve been with her so long you can see she’s changed. Sorry you are going through this, hopefully you can resolve this soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

bin her and move on. find someone who respects you.

 

And make sure that your lawyer has significant experience in dealing with this.

 

I just read most of the thread at a glance. My buddy had an almost identical situation but picked the wrong attorney when it came time settle up. I assume that your PI buddy can recommend someone he's worked with but if you have any friends that are lawyers that they can refer, please check them out as well.

 

Also, make sure her boss gets named as a participant in the court records.

 

My heart goes out to you, KnightMan. Like you basically said, she may blame you for not keeping the flame going but she made conscious decisions to behave the way she did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wrote my previous reply before I read through the thread. Didn’t realize all the great replies and advice you got here! You handled this amazingly in retrospect to how you’ve communicated to her. Time is your greatest friend now, focus on you and how you want to see your future unfold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm speechless, I don't know what to say, I'm so glad I chose to come to this forum. Having so many people willing to take time to help me is simply amazing. I am in the middle of something so I can't say much now, if I have time I will try and get back on later, but I want you all to know I have read your responses and I am beyond grateful.

 

Sent wife a text and asked her to stop texting me and that we would talk in a week, she respected my request and stopped the texting but heard the door bell ring today, when I went outside I found an envelope and a small box, inside the envelope was a four-page letter from my wife that I'm reading now and inside the box was a Rolex Watch, it's still in the box. I can also confirm that she has officially resigned from the company and scheduled an STD test for herself and so have I. I'm sorry to report that I had a moment of weakness when the POS had the nerve to send me a text today trying to apologize, claiming that it was all his fault, he was the aggressor and he pursued her. I know I said I would not confront him but I did send a reply with a two-word reponse that I can't repeat here. I know I should have taken the high ground and ignored him, but it felt good and I don't think he will try contacting me again.

 

I have also touched base with an attorney just to see what my options and my rights are and I've setup some IC for myself, going out later with a few friends to keep my mind occupied. I had a rough night last night with the mind movies and that whole revenge thing but my buddy talked me off the ledge and I'm feeling much better this morning. I plan to start working out again, do a little clothes shopping and start to focus on myself for a change.

 

Thanks for being there for me and please don't stop with the advice, keep it coming, it helps in more ways than you know.

 

You should have sent your wife back the watch with a note stating “This has lost its meaning because the first one went to your lover”.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I appreciate the vote of confidence, I just think I've been pretty lucky so far.

I don't really feel like I've handled things very well at all and I've made plenty of mistakes

 

My wife managed to deceive me for 6 months

I allowed my wife to flirt with her boss right in front of me

I let my wife purchase an expensive watch for a man who doesn't need one

I let her convince me that I was insecure and jealous

I believed her lies

I have to get tested for a disease and need therapy

I almost let her convince me her affair was my fault

I felt so helpless I had to turn to an anonymous internet forum for support

I didn't even have the guts to tell her to come home until someone from this forum told me to grow a pair

I never believed she would cheat on me but in my gut I knew she was

I said nothing to her about the passcode on her phone

I felt emasculated, cuckolded and worthless after reading those messages

I have had trouble eating and sleeping and I still get those images of them in my head

I can hardly stay focused

I feel betrayed, lost, confused, hurt, humiliated, angry and sad

I still love her after everything she's done

I hate her after everything she's done

I want to walk away from her and I can't let go of her

I missed all the signals she says she tried to send me

I should have seen the writing on the wall - all the red flags were there

I had no idea what to do until the people on this forum advised me

I pace the floor not knowing what the future holds

Everything we have been working towards for the past 7 years is gone

 

And a guy with money had my wife of 7 years in his bed within a week

 

I don't feel like I have a good head - I feel like a laughing stock and a complete fool

 

The good news is you're right, I have some great friends and amazing support from this board

 

but remarkable? no, going to the right place at the right time and getting good advice from the right people...yes :)

 

You need to realize one thing, this is not the woman you married.

 

The woman you married the one you are in love with is dead.

 

The cheater that took her place is a stranger. The woman you married would’ve never cheated on you. This stranger did and then blamed you for it.

 

The woman you married is dead. This other looks like her, talks like her but doesn’t act anything like her.

 

The sooner you figure this out the better off you will be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with your friend on this. File for divorce but follow it through.

 

There is a thread similar to yours but it is the WW that is posting on it. There divorce was a year ago. Her ex started dating again but she focused on herself and the kids. She got help to try and figure out why she cheated.

 

Few months ago her ex started talk civilly with her again and things went from there. They had a big talk a few weeks ago and decided to start dating again. A lot of things in place though, one is a postnuptial.

 

A divorce is the only way to fine out if she is just hanging on to what she has or if she still loves you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@sonar40

Thank you for taking the time to write out such a detailed response. You described my FOG perfectly, and yes it hurts like hell, wish there was something to numb the pain. Thank you for the offer to chat more, your advice is spot on, I welcome any and all words of wisdom you post here, especially from those who have been there. Wishing you luck on your journey.

 

@DancingFool

There is no way you could possibly know the things you know unless you've been through it yourself and you have my wife down to a tee, it's like she's following some sort of cheater script. I want you to know how much I appreciate your insight and your help, reading your posts helps calm my nerves a little and reminds me that I'm not crazy, I'm a perfectly normal guy, caught up in a crazy situation.

 

@reinventmyself

She never told me any of this until after it was too late. I was always too controlling, too jealous, delusional, insecure and intimidated by her salary.

 

@IAmFCA

Your insght has been especially helpful, you've given me a rare glance into her mindset and you've helped me maintain some balance in my decisions and you've validated my choices so far. Thank you so much.

 

@Undy

I'm sorry you had to go through the same experience, I appreciate your input and want you to know you've been heard and your message has been received. Thank you.

 

@Ksol9

I was hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, I was a little lost at first, then I came to this forum. The only reason I seem well prepared is that I've been searching and researching information on my dilemma, I'm in the planning business so it came easy. I also happen to have a buddy whose a PI and investigates infidelity for a living. I agree, there are some deep underlying issues that she has to deal with, this 6 month affair was just a symptom of a deeper problem.Thanks again for letting me know I'm heading in the right direction.

 

@journeynow

You nailed it, there is some irony in all this. To be honest there was a time when we were like two ships passing in the night, I had a feeling we were in trouble. We talked about the sacrifices we might have to make when we came up with this plan, guess we didn't think it through well enough and the effect it could have on our relationship. Yes the lifestyle was a joint choice, we talked about it for months before deciding to go for it. I think she did expect too much, but instead of coming to me she decided to have an affair.

 

@abitbroken

Wow, people still coming back after all those years and they still haven't been able to get over it? I have a long road ahead of me.

 

@CML342

Immature and selfish, couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for reminding me that there are no easy answers and this is going to take some time.

 

@chris261083

Thanks for reminding me to be cautious if reconciliation is on the table.

 

@boltnrun

"Why do I need counseling? YOU'RE the one who chose to cheat, not me."

I had to write this one down, showed it to my buddy and he gave this one a big grin and a big thumbs up.

 

@thealchemist

Thanks for reminding me not to sweep any of this under the rug and deal with reality

 

@SweetGirl28

I can see there's no fooling you, you picked up on my resentment towards him perfectly and reading your response caused a tear to well up in my eye. This hurts like hell. There's something about the way they flirted in my face that keeps gnawing at me, there were times when I wanted to slap the smirk off his face. It was like as if this was all some sort of game to him, like he was taunting me "I took your wife because I could, because your 7 years of love can't compete with 7 days of my money". I can still see them both flirting in my face and they were probably laughing behind my back. I know he's not a better man but there's something about having the man whose paying your wife be the same man banging your wife that has left me feeling completely gutted. He has turned my world upside down and that POS just hops on a plane and is probably destroying another man's life at this very moment. I read all your responses carefully, lots of wisdom there. Thank you so much for helping me deal with this nightmare.

 

@ThatwasThen

You're right, it takes two to tango, no sense in wasting time on MC if we're not both in it 100%

 

@LootieTootie

Thanks for the words of encouragement, you're right, her lack of self-accountability has been staggering to say the least.

 

@milly007

Thanks for the response, yes, the fact that someone can be so manipulative for months is scary. You think you know someone and you find out you never really knew them at all. It's amazing how someone who claims to love you can look at you and lie right to your face without breaking a sweat.

 

@shellyf62

Sorry, you had to go through that, but it seems like you made out okay, congrats! And thank you for the cold hard dose of reality.

 

@Knight2001

Thanks for the reply, you're right, respect is important.

 

@Drea1024

Thanks! I agree, time and the future are my greatest allies right now.

 

@ShatteredMan

Thanks! Yes, my buddy recommended one the best divorce attorney's around, she's a shark. Got an inital consultation so far at no charge, looked at others, but if and when I decide to file, she's the one I will probably use.

 

@Usa1ah

I thought about sending the watch back, but I decided to keep it, not sure why I just did. You're right, nothing will ever be the same again. Divorce is still on the table.

 

@ControlDenied

If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I'd like to buy you a drink, thanks again for everything.

 

 

 

Update:

Well hell, more truth coming to the surface, thought I had all the facts, turns out this may not have been her only rodeo, she confessed in another letter to a one month emotional affair with a coworker from the same place, says it never went physical and the POS fired him and he moved out of town.

 

Also, there was a time when I was gone for a week back in October of last year and she brought that POS into our home and they had sex in our bed. She claims it was one time only in our home. She also confessed to a pregnancy scare, but it was a false alarm. At the end of this 2nd letter she talked about wanting to die and maybe hurting herself so I talked to her parents and they are keeping an extra eye on her, but we all agree that we don't think she'll do anything stupid.

 

 

She swears up and down that there is nothing else she's hiding and she's even willing to take a polygraph, become an open book and do whatever I need her to do. She's obviously told her parents, but I don't know exactly what she said to them but they seem very upset with her. In this 2nd letter she's accepting all responsibility, not blaming me anymore and she's scheduled IC for herself. I accept my responsibility for my part in the problems with our marriage, but her cheating is 100% on her. She never gave me a chance to work on anything, now that the truth has come out, she suddenly wants to go to counseling and sit around singing kumbaya. I'm calling BS on her shock and awe way of trying to get my attention, flirting and cheating with her boss was like detonating a nuclear bomb for a spider on a wall and I'm not buying it. All she succeeded in doing is leaving me disgusted and devastated.

 

Ladies, PLEASE don't try this at home.

 

She's coming over tomorrow and unless a miracle happens, I can't see how we can recover from this. I'm trying to read and listen to all the information I can get my hands on, but I'm just tired of this rollercoaster and I'm ready to get off.

 

BTW: I have a bed for sale...Price: cheap, very cheap

Edited by KnightMan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

is she coming over to talk and then going back to her parents or is she coming back? I half would recommend a quiet booth at the restaurant versus your house or another neutral location, but its up to you.

 

It sounds like this isn't a simple case of cheating --- it sounds like your marriage has been a sham from almost the start -- when did she have time to have romance with you? It sounds like her dance card was full. And with you as faithful husband with your flaw being one of those "shortcomings" that you are supposed to bring up in interviews that is actually a strength. You worked 14 hours a day to put food on the table and pay the mortgage. Maybe you didn't spend as much time with your wife during that time -- but devotion is sometimes not about date nights and more about keeping the fridge full

 

After hearing that she has cheated before AND that she had the boss in YOUR BED -- you have most understandable grounds to divorce her and it may be detrimental to your mental health to not.

 

@abitbroken

Wow, people still coming back after all those years and they still haven't been able to get over it? I have a long road ahead of me.

 

They thought they could. They thought that "forgiving them and taking them back" would do it. But it just was the beginning of the end. There are couples where the marriage is finally mostly good, but the one person can't still shake what happened years ago. I am SOOO glad you have no children with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

is she coming over to talk and then going back to her parents or is she coming back? I half would recommend a quiet booth at the restaurant versus your house or another neutral location, but its up to you.

 

It sounds like this isn't a simple case of cheating --- it sounds like your marriage has been a sham from almost the start -- when did she have time to have romance with you? It sounds like her dance card was full. And with you as faithful husband with your flaw being one of those "shortcomings" that you are supposed to bring up in interviews that is actually a strength. You worked 14 hours a day to put food on the table and pay the mortgage. Maybe you didn't spend as much time with your wife during that time -- but devotion is sometimes not about date nights and more about keeping the fridge full

 

After hearing that she has cheated before AND that she had the boss in YOUR BED -- you have most understandable grounds to divorce her and it may be detrimental to your mental health to not.

 

@abitbroken

Wow, people still coming back after all those years and they still haven't been able to get over it? I have a long road ahead of me.

 

They thought they could. They thought that "forgiving them and taking them back" would do it. But it just was the beginning of the end. There are couples where the marriage is finally mostly good, but the one person can't still shake what happened years ago. I am SOOO glad you have no children with her.

 

She's coming over to pick up a few more of her things, I'm pretty sure that she's been looking to get her own place.

We are driving over to Starbucks to talk.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aww, KnightMan, what a nightmare. Why did she feel the need to confess the other affair and bringing this guy into your home? Some things are better left unsaid. That was very selfish on her part. Details won't help you, they just hurt more.

Can I recommend to you do not ask her about any more of it. You will never get the thoughts out of your mind.

If she starts to get into more details, shut her down immediately. There's no need to further abuse you with this.

I hear you on the bed. When one of my exes cheated(omg I found out cuz I worked nights, went home, and sat on a big wet spot on the bed) I was livid! He confessed. I took the bedding and tossed it out the widow, and dragged the mattress down the stairs and outside! Put a free sign on it, it was gone within a day. Then I tossed him too.

Everything you wrote, taking the time to address each one of us individually, while in your own pain makes you a

beautiful person. Your wife is a fool. Whatever you decide, I hope it's what's best for you, your future, and that you protect your heart from this moment on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aww, KnightMan, what a nightmare. Why did she feel the need to confess the other affair and bringing this guy into your home? Some things are better left unsaid. That was very selfish on her part. Details won't help you, they just hurt more.

Can I recommend to you do not ask her about any more of it. You will never get the thoughts out of your mind.

If she starts to get into more details, shut her down immediately. There's no need to further abuse you with this.

I hear you on the bed. When one of my exes cheated(omg I found out cuz I worked nights, went home, and sat on a big wet spot on the bed) I was livid! He confessed. I took the bedding and tossed it out the widow, and dragged the mattress down the stairs and outside! Put a free sign on it, it was gone within a day. Then I tossed him too.

Everything you wrote, taking the time to address each one of us individually, while in your own pain makes you a

beautiful person. Your wife is a fool. Whatever you decide, I hope it's what's best for you, your future, and that you protect your heart from this moment on.

 

 

She confessed the other affair in a second letter she wrote to me. Your guess is as good as any as far as what possessed her to come clean about it, but you're right, at this point I'm just numb, like someone said, my whole marriage has been a sham from start to finish. At this point I don't care if it was two or twenty, I don't want to hear about it anymore. I never asked her for details and don't plan on it, it just feels like she's twisting the knife in deeper. My wife is very compulsive, she never really thinks before she opens her mouth. My buddy keeps offering to keep tabs on her and I aksed him "For what?".

 

I think she is just desperate at this point, she knows she's losing a good man, I had my faults but she knows I loved her, I protected her, provided for her and even when I had chances to stray, I stayed faithful. Ughh, don't even get me started on that bed, forget the bed...

 

I don't think Ill ever sleep in that room again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, she needs to stop with the details. They aren't benefitting anyone.

 

Honestly Knightman, you're handling this situation so well.

 

There are so many sweet, kind, single people in this world who would do anything to find the love of their lives (and they spend their lives searching for them), and yet there are people who have found a loving partner and throw it all away for a cheap thrill/roll in the hay. Blows my mind.

 

Keep that chin up, KM. You're doing so well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Given what you've just said, do you really need to talk to her right now?

I think it will do more harm than good. It's probably best to still take some apart so you can process everything.

Meeting up and talking when you're in a numb, emotional state without a clear mind is not going to be useful.

You will be left feeling more confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, she needs to stop with the details. They aren't benefitting anyone.

 

Honestly Knightman, you're handling this situation so well.

 

There are so many sweet, kind, single people in this world who would do anything to find the love of their lives (and they spend their lives searching for them), and yet there are people who have found a loving partner and throw it all away for a cheap thrill/roll in the hay. Blows my mind.

 

Keep that chin up, KM. You're doing so well.

 

Thanks, people keep commenting about how well I'm handling all this and it makes me chuckle because if they could see the face on the other side of the screen they would say I look completely lost and defeated. I'm just a very methodical person, I do my best work under pressure, helping people plan is one of the things I do for a living. When it comes to plotting a course and protecting myself I'm like a machine, like the song says "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Given what you've just said, do you really need to talk to her right now?

I think it will do more harm than good. It's probably best to still take some apart so you can process everything.

Meeting up and talking when you're in a numb, emotional state without a clear mind is not going to be useful.

You will be left feeling more confused.

 

 

 

That's a chance I'm willing to take, after this newest revelation and her recent behavior,

I think tomorrow is as good a time as any.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let’s look at her full confession (so far) from her point of view. That seems positive to me as she is willing to face down the REALITY of her actions. She seems to be no longer in denial.

Realism is a sign of maturity. Forced in this case but you are not dealing with the infantilism of denial.

One good question you can ask her is this one: “is there anything I should know that you have not told me so far”

 

I disagree with the people who say you shouldn’t know things. That is how lousy relationships get built.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, no contact for a little while will do you some good. Even though she probably won’t respect that because she doesn’t and didn’t respect you in the first place, she will most likely keep contacting you so you’ll have to be strong not to respond back to her until you can work out with yourself what you want. I can imagine it’s hard to just stop talking to the person you’ve loved for 7 years but you don’t deserve more anguish from her now that she’s wanting to be truthful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I disagree with the people who say you shouldn’t know things. That is how lousy relationships get built.

 

I agree with this. I think you should know everything so ultimately you can make a descision based on all of the facts. After you’ve had some time to process of course.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let’s look at her full confession (so far) from her point of view. That seems positive to me as she is willing to face down the REALITY of her actions. She seems to be no longer in denial.

Realism is a sign of maturity. Forced in this case but you are not dealing with the infantilism of denial.

One good question you can ask her is this one: “is there anything I should know that you have not told me so far”

 

I disagree with the people who say you shouldn’t know things. That is how lousy relationships get built.

 

This is what makes my head spin because I read somewhere else that what she's doing now is actually a good thing.

It's almost as if she feels she has nothing else to lose and decided to put all her cards on the table.

I appreciate her honesty, but sometimes I feel like she gets off torturing me with these new revelations.

Kinda like the way she got off feeding her boss in front of me.

 

It's hard to tell when she's being serious or when she's lying, she's a great actress.

I want to believe her but another part of me thinks this is just another sick, twisted game she's playing.

I have asked her several times if there was anything else I needed to know.

 

There's only one thing I need to know, only one question I have for her...

 

"Did you ever love me?"

 

I need to have her look me in the eyes and tell me to my face.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@sonar40

@ControlDenied

If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I'd like to buy you a drink, thanks again

 

It would be great! You have your private messages disabled.

 

One trick that works to make time move faster is to TRAVEL, anywhere it doesn’t matter and how long doesn’t matter. As long as you go somewhere else for a few days and then come back it will work like a charm to make new memories and seem the past be farther away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, no contact for a little while will do you some good. Even though she probably won’t respect that because she doesn’t and didn’t respect you in the first place, she will most likely keep contacting you so you’ll have to be strong not to respond back to her until you can work out with yourself what you want. I can imagine it’s hard to just stop talking to the person you’ve loved for 7 years but you don’t deserve more anguish from her now that she’s wanting to be truthful.

 

She agreed to stop texting and calling , but she said I never said anything about writing letters.

She's so stubborn, I tell her something and she immediately looks for a loophole.

 

I'm not sure how much more time I need.

I just want this nightmare to be over.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

There's only one thing I need to know, only one question I have for her...

 

"Did you ever love me?"

 

I need to have her look me in the eyes and tell me to my face.

 

You know she is going to say yes. And you will likely not believe her.

 

You know her better than anyone at this point. If you suspect she enjoys or enjoyed making you suffer, that is a seriously bad person, sociopath level.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...