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My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
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I agree with this aspect of Dancing Fool's post:

 

This man she got with doesn't matter. Please don't focus on him, who he is, what money he has, etc. It doesn't matter. Nothing about him matters. He is just a blob in this. What matters is that your wife was ready and ripe and looking and if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. It's why it happened so fast. In a way, he just happened to be around and convenient for her.

 

It is your relationship that matters, and only your relationship. Speaking as someone who cheated - not that my now exH cared, but I digress: I did not want to cheat, per se. I would not repeat my actions, and I won't say they were correct or appropriate or justified. I will say that I tried, and that I finally said let's just do what we need to do because this isn't working, and all sorts of nonsense.

 

What I would do differently is (1) acknowledge what I need, (2) stare reality in the face -- I knew what reality was and knew it would end my marriage so I avoided it, and (3) acknowledge that it takes two to fix a marriage, one person can not do it alone. Re #2, and this is important: it wasn't the cheating I denied, it was the degree to which I was unfulfilled, how much I was feeling alone and isolated, missed having a sexual relationship (which was less than twice a year on average, even in year one). Instead of owning what i need, I shifted the focus to him by blaming him for being insufficient. This was wrong: my needs aren't his problem, they are my problem. Had I taken responsibility for myself, I would have left as soon as it began. It was easier for me to blame him then to own what a colossal mistake I had made.

 

The cheating was a symptom of how far away I already felt. We like to throw cheaters into one bucket; it can be distracting. Your wife is a human, she has flaws, and some of those flaws may be unacceptable to you. Cheating doesn't make her the devil. It may make her unsuitable for your continued marriage, but like all humans, she has good traits also.

 

Many relationships are formed between two people who really would prefer to be one step removed from marriage. To avoid having someone see them from the inside out, to avoid the responsibility of a life long commitment, of seeing someone else so closely and still finding a way to love them. It is one of our most challenging life events, learning to love ourselves and others, as flawed as we are. That is why we say that relationships are work, and love is a verb.

 

I applaud how you are handling this. Take care of yourself first, your needs and your voice are part of you and you are the most precious thing you have. For me, I found it much much easier to accept my exH - whose cheating was flagrant, began during our engagement and continued throughout unabated, who had a child with his mistress - to accept him for who he is, to love him as a human, and to find him wholly unsuitable for the job of IAmFCA's spouse. Now years later, we co-parent, we talk, we know each other better than anyone, even his wife now, I think he would say. If we didn't have kids, we would not still be in contact, or maybe just the holidays. He is deeply flawed with respect to intimate relationships, but he is worth no more or no less than the rest of us. Just don't pick him as a spouse. And so it may be with regards to your wife -- marriage may require skills she doesn't have, or skills you don't have - but can learn! - or for whatever the reason, the connection between was weakened over time such that your wife was vulnerable to her boss' attentions. That doesn't make it right, and it remains that she chose to enter into an intimate relationship and to lie to you and all of that is very very destructive.

 

She isn't the devil, and it isn't your fault. Marriage requires teamwork and commitment to a shared goal, and belief that the goal can be achieved. Without that, it is difficult to sustain.

 

I have friends who cheated on each other in pretty dramatic ways, but never lost their faith in their ability to stay together. They focused only on each other and their needs, and in about two year's time, became stronger than before. In my case, we were ill suited from the get go, and we were avoiding that truth. Avoidance only made it more complicated to achieve the inevitable outcome.

 

The important thing is to know which outcome is most appropriate for you.

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Please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top... Divorce this woman. Divorce her! I went through the exact thing. Exactly.. My ex and her boss. All I can say is that you will start feeling better once you stop talking to her and get her out of your life forever. She will cheat on you again and you will be miserable. You have one life, so go out there and live it! You deserve better that someone who is banging her boss all day right in front of your face! My ex came crawling back too and blamed me for everything.. I am sooooo glad I didn't give in and you will be too, I promise!

 

I get it. It is hard. It was hard for me. 5 years later I have made a fantastic life for my children and myself. We are happy as can be!! I have better relationships and know when to end them. I do the things I want to do all the time.

 

Please block her number, call and attorney and move on. Do not seek revenge or anything else, it is just going to hold back your healing! The sooner you start to detach from this terrible person, the sooner you will find happiness.

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No two situations are the same. Your story doesn’t necessarily have to follow the same path as anyone else’s.

 

You don’t have to make a decision anytime soon. Take your time. I think you are taking very mature and wise steps to handle this in the best way possible regardless of the direction you decide to take in terms of divorce.

 

I am amazed by how well you are handling yourself. As if you read about this in some sort of manual somewhere. I’ve gotten my heart battered a bit and it is only because of that experience I would handle myself in the manner in which you are doing now. You are protecting yourself from every angle and I hear a lot of self awareness. It is because of this, I believe you will get through this. It will be long and hard, but you’ll prevail.

 

We’re rooting for you.

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I also meant to add...

 

If it isn’t already, the question of “why?” may ring loudly through your mind. Hopefully she will seek counseling to find out what ails her internally. I am a firm believer that when someone cheats, there is something wrong within. There is something going on deep within beyond the excuses she gave you. I’m assuming that will be explored later after all this dust settles for you. Therapy for you both individually and together (if reconciliation is possible) will be extremely helpful.

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I am going to take my time before I make any decisions, I know some people might view this as weak, but this is still my life and I have to give myself enough time to find out if I can live with everything that has happened. I know what she did was wrong, but she's been caught, she's been busted, she took a gamble and she lost, but I'm not going to just toss her away like yesterday's trash, she's still a human being with feelings, I'm not going to be cruel and sadistic to her. I can't bring myself to do to her what she's done to me.

 

This makes sense to me, and I believe includes the bigger picture in your approach.

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even if we decide to reconcile I will never be able to trust her or look at her the same again.

 

There are many people who come here saying their spouse cheated 2, 5,10, 15, 20 years ago and they are considering divorce because it still hangs in the back of their mind and they cannot shake it.

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As promised I would respond more after work. Even though my situation is very similar, I dont think its helpful to compare as no 2 relationships are the same, however, i do know what you are going through as I am right now.

 

1) Facts. Accept the fact that your wife is a serial liar, a cheat, held no value for the marriage and didnt give one damn about you. 6 months is a long time cheating and if she hadnt have been busted do you think you would have got honesty from her? A pleading letter from her? Or do you think it would have just continued on. It wasnt a one of thing, it was 6 months!! She has absolutely zero value for you and the marriage.

 

2) Excuses. There is NO excuse for cheating, NONE! I was severely abused for 3 years, but that doesnt give me the moral highground to cheat. I didnt cheat, I expressed my feelings. Decent people do not cheat. None of this is your fault. There are no excuses. She is a cheater and a liar.

 

3) Why? If? What? When? Who? All these questions to her will do one thing only - mess with your head. Forget about her, forget the other man, the watch etc.. The only questions should be you questioning yourself i.e. Do I devalue myself that much staying with someone who is a cheat and a liar? Am I worth more than this? If my friend was going through this, what advice would I give him - thats the advice you should apply to yourself as thats the rational head speaking. The emotional element in the human brain is much more developed that the part of the brain responsible for rational thought, hence the reason the emotional response is stronger when we are situations like this and we have a tendency to react to what our emotions tell us rather than rational thought. But when you give advice to others, a rational response is always given and its the right one to go by.

 

4) What now? You are in the "fog" at the moment so take as much time as you need before making any rash decisions. I will not tell you whether you should remain in the marriage or breakup, that is your decision only. You must ask yourself "Can i ever trust her again?", "Will I be insecure when shes not here or is late home?". "Am i prepared to go through years or more than likely forever not fully trusting her and getting my head in messes?" etc etc

 

I am going through a similar experience and I ended it just a few days ago. It hurts like hell but i know i have to go through this as it will not kill me and i will get to the other side. I love her too and im totally devastated - not sleeoing, not eating. no motivation etc. I did go back with her many times ignoring my rational mind, but in the end a cheater is a cheater, a liar is a liar. I can forgive but never forget. In my opinion, many things in a relationship can be worked out but cheating is something i will never accept, I am worth more, I deserve better. 6 months cheating is a massive barrier to get past. The decision is yours, but base it on rational thought and dont let overwhelming emotions clod reality.

 

i really do empathise with you, i really do. If you want to chat feel free to reply here, message or if you want a chat on the phone, id be more than happy to.

 

Chat soon buddy.

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"she just blurted out that she lied earlier and that the affair was physical, said she had an out of body experience and wanted to feel young again, she lost track of the number of times they had sex over the past 6 months, but she remembered the places, in his office, the company parking lot and his home."

 

"She does seem remorseful"

 

"She does take some responsibility for what happened but still thinks I'm partially to blame, the watch, the flirting was all an attempt to let me know something was wrong with our marriage."

 

As if her cheating and lying wasnt bad enough, she now responds to you with this bull!! This is totally disgusting behaviour. So she had an "Out of body experience", what for 6 months? Come on man, i hope you are not buying into this. All she had was an IN body experience with some other tramp of a man. I wouldnt press her on any fine details, its just gonna mess with your head more.

 

She seems remorseful?? Shes been busted. Did she show any remorse before u caught her out? No! So she is not remorseful, shes been caught out, shes afraid of her reputation being damaged. This wasnt a mistake, it went on for 6 months and would have been much longer if u hadnt have caught her out. This was a deliberate conscious choice she made, remorse doesnt come into it.

 

"She does take some responsibility". This is totally disgusting. This alone is a huge red flag with your decision on whether to continue the relationship. She now is putting some of the blame on you. This is totally unacceptable and shes showing her true colours of who and what she really is. Her only response should have been "I have cheated and lied to you. I have disrespected you and our relationship. I know I am solely responsible for destroying your trust in me. If you hadnt have found me out, I would still be cheating on you."

 

Her excuses are disgusting and very degrading. Cheaters always dish out blame, trying to give reason for their bad behaviour - a true sign that she is and will always be an untrustworthy person. Adding her lies into the mix is a deadly cocktail which will no doubt lead to a very toxic future if you are to remain in the relationship.

 

Honesty and respect are 2 attributes everyone should have, they are worth more than any material thing and best of they are both free and easy to carry with you everywhere. This woman has neither.

 

its 3am here and i cant sleep - Will start a new thread on my dilema tomorrow. Stay away from the drink, drink lots of water and try your best to eat and get some sleep.

 

Chat soon

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Hey,

 

I just read the entire post and updates. Like everyone else, I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

Here's my two cents based on my own experience. People who do horrible things in a marriage and then blame their spouse for it are immature & selfish people.

 

I was like that. I was that person.

 

She blamed you and deflected because she was both prideful and embarrassed. When it comes down to it, the "why" really doesn't matter. If she's a good person, then one day, many years from now, she'll be wiser, calmer, more considerate, and most importantly, regretful.

 

As for you, you'll have very extreme and opposing emotions. This is natural.

 

You will probably always love her, and the pain of your situation now will fade a little as time goes by. You'll continue to remember it though and it will strengthen your heart like never before. But one day, years from now, you'll think back on this time and it will seem like ages ago, as if it were another lifetime.

 

It is impossible to see from your vantage point right now... because you're in the middle of this tornado. But I promise you that you are strong and you will absolutely get through this. I also wish you happiness because you deserve it.

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My exes sister had a 3yr affair. Her partner never split with her once it all came to light and decided to work through it. It took around 4 years for them to stop arguing about it as he just couldn't let it go. Fast forward to last year and guess what? She dumped him and started a relationship with a new guy. What did he do? He told her he was going to fight for her and eventually"won" her back. Just recently i heard they were having problems as she was caught texting a new guy. Jeez....

The point in trying to make is, if you take her back this whole event could seriously take you to a dark place and make you extremely resentful. She could simply do it again also.

If a reconciliation is what you decide then you need to work through the issues and then start from scratch with a mindset of being 100% trusting. IMO this is very important because if you are not 100% in trust of her it will consume you.

If you don't feel like you can do that, its bed for it to be over for your own sanity.

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Everything went as planned today, the POS is gone for the next 2 weeks, wife cleared out her office, she came by with her dad today to gather a few more of her things and pick up her car, she tried to make small talk, worried about my cold, wanted to know if I was eating, asked if she could bring over groceries, told her no, she noticed I wasn't wearing the watch or my wedding ring, the look I gave her told her she didn't want to go there, she got the hint.

 

Did speak with her dad for a few minutes, just casual talk, I don't think she's told him everything but he must know it's a little more serious than whatever she's told them. Her parents are nice people, always treated me well, if we end up divorced this is going to be hard on her parents, I don't think she thought this through. People who have affairs don't seem to think about the ripple effect their selfish actions cause others. Spoke to my brother, lots of wisdom there, need to reach out to him more often.

 

Somebody asked about the contents of the letter, don't want to go into a whole lot of detail, but apparently my wife had been holding a lot of resentment towards me went she stayed home and I was out working. I did everything I could to show her affection, told her I loved her, how beautiful she was, took her on date nights, tried to pay attention to her as much as I could, but that wasn't enough, excuse the hell out of me for working 14 hour days sometimes to keep a roof over our heads and pay the bills, I'm sorry I couldn't run around and kiss her butt 24/7 because I was too friggin' exhausted trying to provide a decent lifestyle for her.

 

So basically she's saying, "I slept with my handsome, younger, richer boss because you worked too much and I felt neglected". Terrific, that makes me feel so much better. The rest was just more apologizing and her wanting us to try marriage counseling.

 

Thank you all again for the advice and support, please keep it coming, I promise to read everything. I hope no one gets offended if I don't respond right away to your post, I don't want any of you to think I'm ignoring you, I read everything posted here. To those of you that are joining the forum just to reply to my thread, what can I say? I'm honored, I want you to know I really appreciate you opening up and sharing your stories with me, helps knowing I'm not alone.

 

Took some meds earlier, feeling a little drowsy so I'm probably going to crash in a few.

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My cousin's wife had an affair. Correction...she CONTINUED the affair she'd started before they got married and went through with the wedding because it would have been too embarrassing for her to cancel. So they had a big, elaborate wedding with all their family and friends present, where she wore TWO different wedding dresses because one wasn't enough for her sham wedding. Well, less than a year after the wedding he found out she was (and had been) cheating on him.

 

He reacted similarly to you...immediately left her, filed for divorce and said "Nope" to her request for marriage counseling. He told her "Why do I need counseling? YOU'RE the one who chose to cheat, not me." It was probably somewhat embarrassing for him to be divorced only a bit over a year after the wedding, but a little embarrassment was preferable to staying married to a selfish cheater.

 

Today, he is married to a wonderful woman and together they are building a beautiful family. And the lying cheater is a distant memory who has zero impact on his life.

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Her "excuse" for her behavior...

 

So if you support your wife and work your a$s off later in life (if you get over this) she will just get bored, selfish and stray again?

 

That excuse pretty much ensures your relationship is done. It doesn't sound like there was much you could do. It isn't your responcibility to fullfil her emptiness.

 

When my wife is at home for summer break and I am working a lot it isn't my sole responcibility to appease her. She sets up plans for us to have time like that and we do it together.

 

But expecting all the footwork being from the person who has no time and expecting to be flowered with attention sounds like a viewpoint from a selfish and immature child.

 

She is probably also very shocked because her life path is all messed up.

 

I have two children. The amount of faith and absolute trust you need to have with your partner in a situation involving children is much higher than without.

 

That selfish and immature nature of hers is not going to just dissipate. The amount of time it would actually take her to even grow up would have you waiting for awhile.

 

The amount of time it would take to rebuild the trust she, didn't just shatter but pound to dust, would have you waiting forever.

 

If you want a healthy family someday it can't be with this woman.

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Knightman, I want to tell you again because I sense a great deal of resentment in your tone towards the guy(and rightfully so) that a woman worth her weight in gold would never get distracted and stray to someone who has all the shiny things in life to offer. I've told you I've dated wealthy men with the fancy cars, huge homes, money spent like it literally grows on trees for them to pick, and at the end of the day, it's just all material possessions. What matters to a valuable woman worth holding onto is what morals and values she possesses of her own, and what she looks for in a mate. You proved your commitment to the marriage by working those long days, and if she was feeling neglected, she should have told you.

Cheating fills a void temporarily within her but know she learned she ripped her world apart with her choices. Did you say this guy is married? I can't recall, I didn't read back, but if he is, she of course will want to beg and act like she cares to you because now she's being faced with reality. I can guarantee you that she knows in her heart that was going nowhere, but was going to milk it for all it was worth to get until he would end it. She's shallow. Maybe she wasn't always, but she certainly became that way. It's up to her to fix the issues within herself that led her to cheat. You did not cause her actions.

I advise you to not even consider taking her back an option unless she proves herself to you now, by getting therapy for herself. Resigning was a good sign, it shows she's serious. She gave up pay and now has to explain while looking for a new job why she resigned to a potential new employer. She's feeling the impact now. Be strong and don't cave. Take time to really assess everything and be certain if you want to stay or divorce. The time apart is good. Hang in there.

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To anyone in general: If you're going to stay, then you BOTH need to go to couples counselling. Only one of you going is like clapping with one hand because not only does the cheater have to learn how to regain your trust and be open enough to tell you when things are bothering them so you can remedy, you have to learn the mental tools you will need to learn how to trust them again.

 

If the two of you don't go to counseling then you might as well just go your separate ways now.

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My heart goes out to the OP... Please keep doing what you are doing... You are really miles ahead of people who go through this. It says a lot about your resolve and your character. It's obvious your wife knows she's loss a good one and she's doing and saying whatever she can to get you back. However her letter to you is also a telescope to who she is - a side to her that you've not met. She undermines the foundation you were building for you both and blames her cheating on being "neglected" as her pathway to cheating. The lack of self-accountability is more disconcernting because it seems she's not willing to accept full responsibility.

 

If you choose to stay, this may be more work for you and for her...however it is a personal choice.

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Everything went as planned today, the POS is gone for the next 2 weeks, wife cleared out her office, she came by with her dad today to gather a few more of her things and pick up her car, she tried to make small talk, worried about my cold, wanted to know if I was eating, asked if she could bring over groceries, told her no, she noticed I wasn't wearing the watch or my wedding ring, the look I gave her told her she didn't want to go there, she got the hint.

 

Did speak with her dad for a few minutes, just casual talk, I don't think she's told him everything but he must know it's a little more serious than whatever she's told them. Her parents are nice people, always treated me well, if we end up divorced this is going to be hard on her parents, I don't think she thought this through. People who have affairs don't seem to think about the ripple effect their selfish actions cause others. Spoke to my brother, lots of wisdom there, need to reach out to him more often.

 

Somebody asked about the contents of the letter, don't want to go into a whole lot of detail, but apparently my wife had been holding a lot of resentment towards me went she stayed home and I was out working. I did everything I could to show her affection, told her I loved her, how beautiful she was, took her on date nights, tried to pay attention to her as much as I could, but that wasn't enough, excuse the hell out of me for working 14 hour days sometimes to keep a roof over our heads and pay the bills, I'm sorry I couldn't run around and kiss her butt 24/7 because I was too friggin' exhausted trying to provide a decent lifestyle for her.

 

So basically she's saying, "I slept with my handsome, younger, richer boss because you worked too much and I felt neglected". Terrific, that makes me feel so much better. The rest was just more apologizing and her wanting us to try marriage counseling.

 

Thank you all again for the advice and support, please keep it coming, I promise to read everything. I hope no one gets offended if I don't respond right away to your post, I don't want any of you to think I'm ignoring you, I read everything posted here. To those of you that are joining the forum just to reply to my thread, what can I say? I'm honored, I want you to know I really appreciate you opening up and sharing your stories with me, helps knowing I'm not alone.

 

Took some meds earlier, feeling a little drowsy so I'm probably going to crash in a few.

 

She has no clue of what she has actually done. To many stories out there on “How a affair saved my marriage”.

 

If you are going to R then you need to let family know what has happened. She needs the checks and balances that exposure brings. Her response to this will tell you exactly how she feels. She needs to take full responsibility for her actions. No blame shifting that you were not there for her. So if she feels this way in the future she will find another man to have a affair with.

 

I also believe in exposing to close friends, you need this support. You know none of this is your fault, you need your friends.

 

You

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I hope she told her parents what happened, but i somehow think she might not tell them the truth.

 

Somebody asked about the contents of the letter, don't want to go into a whole lot of detail, but apparently my wife had been holding a lot of resentment towards me went she stayed home and I was out working.

 

Oh boy. Really? She was upset because she was sitting around the house and you were busting yourself to put food on the table? She should have said to herself "i am damn lucky to have a hard working husband." I can understand if you were traveling with work and were only home one night a week - but seriously?? Even if she was, then the resentment should have gone the minute she got a job so you could be home more.

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...apparently my wife had been holding a lot of resentment towards me went she stayed home and I was out working...excuse the hell out of me for working 14 hour days sometimes to keep a roof over our heads and pay the bills, I'm sorry I couldn't run around and kiss her butt 24/7 because I was too friggin' exhausted trying to provide a decent lifestyle for her.

 

Well she just called and said not to wait up for her, she's working late again

 

Another night of eating alone, so sick of this crap, I deserve better than this.

 

Sad to say, I find some irony in these 2 posts. Certainly her choice to cheat was not the way to solve her loneliness in the marriage, but OP, sounds like you can relate to the frustration of another night of eating alone, feeling sick of it.

 

Was the lifestyle a joint choice? In a partnership I hope it would be, and would be your choice also to have a lifestyle that calls for you to work long hours and not have time together. It doesn't sound like simply a matter of survival, since I think you said you two were switching off working full-time. May sound like a great plan but in effect creates an imbalance. Since a Rolex watch was mentioned, I wonder how much "a decent lifestyle" is focused on things and status.

 

Again, not throwing out blame, just offering some reflection. I know a number of couples who have chosen a work/lifestyle balance that requires them to work long hours or in different parts of the country, involving much time apart. And I've seen how they've handled it, kept communication frequent and open, always with time and meaningful activities planned together. They'd been in long-term marriages with each other before they hit this phase, so that may play a part in how they've managed. Plus I don't know their whole stories. And maybe you did that and it just wasn't enough for her; maybe she put too many expectations on the relationship, I don't know.

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First off, Knightman, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As others have mentioned, you're handling this situation so well. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

 

I've read all the posts on here and have been following the thread. What blows my mind here is not just that she cheated, but when we read through your first post, you mention how you questioned her and whether anything was happening between her and her boss. She intially said that you were being paranoid and that she only loved you. She also blamed you and your insecurities and the fact that she was now making more money than you. She was also argumentative and snippy.

 

The fact that she was this manipulative and made you think it was all a figure of your imagination, and that you were just being insecure/paranoid is not only beyond selfish, but scary.

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Cheaters are always full of resentment because they are entitled and selfish beyond a normal person's understanding. The world owes them, you owe them, if they are unhappy with something they are, in their mind, fully entitled to take and do as they please. They may feign whatever to save their lifestyle with you, but deep down, they do not feel remorse because deep down they feel they were right to do as they did, entitled.

 

There is never ever a reason or an excuse to cheat. Period.

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After I found out my ex was cheating & threw him out he started telling me how I had thrown him out of his house, how I had destroyed the family blah blah blah.

Things were different for me because I had 2 small children.

He then rewrote history, saying how he didnt start "seeing her" til after I threw him out. That was pretty funny seeing how I found the emails professing his love for her & detailing their weekends away.

 

It got pretty nasty, he wanted to take the kids from me, started a business & lied about his income so my child support went from $1400 a month to $25, moved her into the house we built together...the list just goes on & on.

 

What I am trying to say is that his cheating showed his personality not mine. I didnt change. Our marraige was crap, but it didnt give him the right to cheat. He should have been a man & told me he wanted to leave, then start things with her, not have his fun & come home to a warm meal, clothes washed & ironed & a clean house.

I felt so betrayed. I knew his work mates & obviously they all knew what was happening.

 

In the end he married her (white wedding hahhahaha) and after 8 yrs together she cheated on him with her new boss. We was devastated & sent me a message asking how could she do this to me LOLOLOL. I sent him the same message you sent the POS.

 

Karma is amazing & so is time. It does heal eventually.

 

 

Leaving was the best decision I ever made. I never had to worry about why he was home late, who he was talking to or was it a work conference.

 

 

Your wife lied to your face for 6 months, made you doubt yourself, embarrassed you at a restaurant. She is not a nice person, she is cold & calculating & a cheater.

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