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My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
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I'm speechless, I don't know what to say, I'm so glad I chose to come to this forum. Having so many people willing to take time to help me is simply amazing. I am in the middle of something so I can't say much now, if I have time I will try and get back on later, but I want you all to know I have read your responses and I am beyond grateful.

 

Sent wife a text and asked her to stop texting me and that we would talk in a week, she respected my request and stopped the texting but heard the door bell ring today, when I went outside I found an envelope and a small box, inside the envelope was a four-page letter from my wife that I'm reading now and inside the box was a Rolex Watch, it's still in the box. I can also confirm that she has officially resigned from the company and scheduled an STD test for herself and so have I. I'm sorry to report that I had a moment of weakness when the POS had the nerve to send me a text today trying to apologize, claiming that it was all his fault, he was the aggressor and he pursued her. I know I said I would not confront him but I did send a reply with a two-word reponse that I can't repeat here. I know I should have taken the high ground and ignored him, but it felt good and I don't think he will try contacting me again.

 

I have also touched base with an attorney just to see what my options and my rights are and I've setup some IC for myself, going out later with a few friends to keep my mind occupied. I had a rough night last night with the mind movies and that whole revenge thing but my buddy talked me off the ledge and I'm feeling much better this morning. I plan to start working out again, do a little clothes shopping and start to focus on myself for a change.

 

Thanks for being there for me and please don't stop with the advice, keep it coming, it helps in more ways than you know.

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I'm speechless, I don't know what to say, I'm so glad I chose to come to this forum. Having so many people willing to take time to help me is simply amazing. I am in the middle of something so I can't say much now, if I have time I will try and get back on later, but I want you all to know I have read your responses and I am beyond grateful.

 

Sent wife a text and asked her to stop texting me and that we would talk in a week, she respected my request and stopped the texting but heard the door bell ring today, when I went outside I found an envelope and a small box, inside the envelope was a four-page letter from my wife that I'm reading now and inside the box was a Rolex Watch, it's still in the box. I can also confirm that she has officially resigned from the company and scheduled an STD test for herself and so have I. I'm sorry to report that I had a moment of weakness when the POS had the nerve to send me a text today trying to apologize, claiming that it was all his fault, he was the aggressor and he pursued her. I know I said I would not confront him but I did send a reply with a two-word reponse that I can't repeat here. I know I should have taken the high ground and ignored him, but it felt good and I don't think he will try contacting me again.

 

I have also touched base with an attorney just to see what my options and my rights are and I've setup some IC for myself, going out later with a few friends to keep my mind occupied. I had a rough night last night with the mind movies and that whole revenge thing but my buddy talked me off the ledge and I'm feeling much better this morning. I plan to start working out again, do a little clothes shopping and start to focus on myself for a change.

 

Thanks for being there for me and please don't stop with the advice, keep it coming, it helps in more ways than you know.

Well if the POS texted you I wouldn't worry about sending back a big F U.

 

I would consider you still on the high road, because a response like that is still nothing.

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Is that a new watch she bought for you, or the watch she gave to him?

Don't allow her to try and buy you back. It doesn't work that way.

6 months of cheating is not erased with an expensive gift.

Keep the watch. It's a gift now. Ask your attorney if you can sell it if you don't want it.

Good to hear she resigned. She doesn't have more income than you now, so think carefully what your next move is.

Protect yourself, which I know you will. Sounds like you have a good friend and attorney to advise you well.

And I imagine you replied with "f u". It was well deserved. Be careful what you write in text and emails because

it can be used against you. There's the old saying "say it, forget it, write it, regret it."

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Is that a new watch she bought for you, or the watch she gave to him?

Don't allow her to try and buy you back. It doesn't work that way.

6 months of cheating is not erased with an expensive gift.

Keep the watch. It's a gift now. Ask your attorney if you can sell it if you don't want it.

Good to hear she resigned. She doesn't have more income than you now, so think carefully what your next move is.

Protect yourself, which I know you will. Sounds like you have a good friend and attorney to advise you well.

And I imagine you replied with "f u". It was well deserved. Be careful what you write in text and emails because

it can be used against you. There's the old saying "say it, forget it, write it, regret it."

 

The watch she gave me is brand new, he's returning the watch she gave him when she goes in to clean out her office.

 

Not really worried about anything legal that the two of them may or may not do to me in the future.

There's nothing else they can do to me that they haven't already done.

 

I asked my buddy what he thought before I sent it, he said: "I would"

 

Thanks again for all your help :)

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Did she really think you'd forget about her affair because she bought you a shiny piece of metal?

 

Kind of shows you what's important to her.

 

I wonder what the boss is afraid of. Maybe afraid you'll out his sleazy behavior to the parents who bought him the company to run, which he's using to get laid.

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So buying you a watch with the money she "earned" from this creep is supposed to help?

 

Good luck with what you did.

 

It is tough but d@mn I must say you have handled everything remarkably.

 

You have a good head and some great friends.

 

So many people make mistake after mistake during this time. It will be much easy to just deal with it all now.

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Did she really think you'd forget about her affair because she bought you a shiny piece of metal?

 

Kind of shows you what's important to her.

 

I wonder what the boss is afraid of. Maybe afraid you'll out his sleazy behavior to the parents who bought him the company to run, which he's using to get laid.

 

To me, it shows she listened-- he told her it was an issue that she never bought him a watch and now she is trying to fix it. If he had told her she always brings the boss coffee and never brought him one, if it was a coffee, it would be the same idea. Or if she said she never went to his baseball exhibition games --- and she showed up. Resigning from the company is what he needed to hear. Now let's see if she keeps communicating with the boss or not. I think you should wait a week AND a day to contact her. Let her sweat it out.

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So buying you a watch with the money she "earned" from this creep is supposed to help?

 

Good luck with what you did.

 

It is tough but d@mn I must say you have handled everything remarkably.

 

You have a good head and some great friends.

 

So many people make mistake after mistake during this time. It will be much easy to just deal with it all now.

 

Yes. you are a rockstar. You are not begging and you are showing her you mean business. You will no longer be a doormat.

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So buying you a watch with the money she "earned" from this creep is supposed to help?

 

Good luck with what you did.

 

It is tough but d@mn I must say you have handled everything remarkably.

 

You have a good head and some great friends.

 

So many people make mistake after mistake during this time. It will be much easy to just deal with it all now.

 

I appreciate the vote of confidence, I just think I've been pretty lucky so far.

I don't really feel like I've handled things very well at all and I've made plenty of mistakes

 

My wife managed to deceive me for 6 months

I allowed my wife to flirt with her boss right in front of me

I let my wife purchase an expensive watch for a man who doesn't need one

I let her convince me that I was insecure and jealous

I believed her lies

I have to get tested for a disease and need therapy

I almost let her convince me her affair was my fault

I felt so helpless I had to turn to an anonymous internet forum for support

I didn't even have the guts to tell her to come home until someone from this forum told me to grow a pair

I never believed she would cheat on me but in my gut I knew she was

I said nothing to her about the passcode on her phone

I felt emasculated, cuckolded and worthless after reading those messages

I have had trouble eating and sleeping and I still get those images of them in my head

I can hardly stay focused

I feel betrayed, lost, confused, hurt, humiliated, angry and sad

I still love her after everything she's done

I hate her after everything she's done

I want to walk away from her and I can't let go of her

I missed all the signals she says she tried to send me

I should have seen the writing on the wall - all the red flags were there

I had no idea what to do until the people on this forum advised me

I pace the floor not knowing what the future holds

Everything we have been working towards for the past 7 years is gone

 

And a guy with money had my wife of 7 years in his bed within a week

 

I don't feel like I have a good head - I feel like a laughing stock and a complete fool

 

The good news is you're right, I have some great friends and amazing support from this board

 

but remarkable? no, going to the right place at the right time and getting good advice from the right people...yes :)

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"I know I should have taken the high ground and ignored him, but it felt good and I don't think he will try contacting me again."

- You ignored good advice from people who have been there. Very foolish!

 

Everything the other man does is calculated.

He will use ALL responses/actions from you to manipulate her, and cover his tracks.

 

Never do it again.

 

You and her are all that's important.

Your marriage did not fail because of him.

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I missed all the signals she says she tried to send me

 

that's BS. She didn't send you signals. She was having an affair and she used the times that it was actually showing to say she was trying to make you jealous.

If she was giving signals, she would say take you by the hand to the bedroom, she would suggest places to go out on a date, etc. Her "signals" must have been so subtle that they were only in her head.

 

maybe tell her that an affair doesn't make husbands jealous, it makes them feel rejected.

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"Post 160"

 

It feels good to dump all the blame on her, but trust me when I say, it will backfire on you, and in time wreck your life and well-being.

 

Unless your marriage was incompatible, illicit or you married a known serial cheater, something went wrong.

You need to find out what, and face it.

 

It's the only way you'll be able to move on and be free.

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I'm sorry to say, the watch made me laugh, but also felt that it is not a pain-free gift to receive, or a free-hearted gift for her to give.

 

To me, it shows she listened--

 

A little too late, though, and now it has painful connections, since he had to bring it to her attention after the boss got one first (and who knows if he had to make it known he wanted one). It is an explicit reminder of the boss affair.

 

Knight, it might be a peace offering, or an apology-gift, or an emotional bribe, I can't say. But don't read too much into it yet. I received a nice break-up gift from my ex, and it didn't change the fact that he was leaving. (I'm just saying, a gift is a thing, and doesn't necessarily have special meaning.)

 

You are handling this whole thing with a self-honor and class, even with the succinct reply to the boss.

 

Some suggestions if sleep is difficult: Sleep in another spot in the house (which might help calm some of the thoughts) and consider listening to audio books. (Anything encouraging or mild or soothing enough to lull you to sleep and let the mind be quiet for a bit. I chose young adult books during my breakup, because the plots were about overcoming challenges but were not about adult drama. Now I choose rather boring books because they quickly put me to sleep.)

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We have seen a lot of people go through this on this forum.

 

Do not doubt yourself. You are probably doing the best I have seen on here in the past year when I started being active on here.

 

Don't let her make you doubt yourself either.

 

I have been with my wife for 13 years. EVERY relationship has issues. EVERY ONE.

 

She was the one who made the conscious choice to turn to another man instead of working on those issues with her husband.

 

She chose to dive into a bull fantasy with another man instead of working on the real issues making her unhappy in her marriage.

 

That is not your fault.

 

Even if you saw this about to unfold before it did and stopped it, that flaw to turn away from you when she isn't happy instead of turning towards you is still present.

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I missed all the signals she says she tried to send me

 

that's BS.

 

Right, Knight, you brought your concerns to her and she pushed you away, denied there was anything going on.

 

From the opening post:

"I've even caught her texting him when she was supposed to be having a romantic dinner, alone with me. Every time I try to sit her down and have a calm conversation with her about all this, we just end up arguing and I end up on the couch, she thinks I'm overreacting and she even claims that maybe I'm being a little insecure about the fact that she now earns more than me.

She says there is nothing going on between them, that she's only trying to make a good impression and I'm being paranoid, she says she loves me and wouldn't be with me if she wanted someone else and I really want to believe her. This weekend they are supposed to go away for a convention and she'll be gone for 2 weeks. I've already told her that I feel uncomfortable about the trip and now she says I'm controlling and she seems determined to go whether I like it or not."

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I'm sorry to say, the watch made me laugh, but also felt that it is not a pain-free gift to receive, or a free-hearted gift for her to give.

 

 

 

A little too late, though, and now it has painful connections, since he had to bring it to her attention after the boss got one first (and who knows if he had to make it known he wanted one). It is an explicit reminder of the boss affair.

 

She is throwing all the spaghetti against the wall to fix this -- i don't think she tought about it any farther than not. Right, i don't know if he made it known that he wanted one or not.

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Everything the other man does is calculated..

 

Absolutely false.

 

Really? How about if the wife says she's divorced or separated and isn't? She could have been feeding him a sob story that didn't exist - take her ring off and make herself look available. A cheater will justify their actions by any means necessary. There are two sides to every story and unless the husband has both sides he doesn't know. The common factor is the wife here. The other person is wrong no doubt but what he's been told by her is still unknown.

 

I'm sorry this happened to the OP but cheaters are liars and not only to the person they're married to. In this situation I feel the boss was complicit but the other man doesn't always know what's going on.

 

I have been the other man and I've been there btw

Edited by Seymore
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Hung out with a few friends tonight, had a good time.

 

I think I need to explain a little more about the watch.

 

He put the watch in her office and she's waiting until, after his flight leaves in the morning for the conference to clean out her stuff, only a skeleton crew will be there so that's the best time. My buddy will be watching everything from a distance to make sure that's exactly what happens.

 

That watch was a very personal thing for me, I have an old one that my dad gave me, but it's been falling apart over the years and I'm tired of taking it in to get repaired, I just want to put it away somewhere as a keepsake, every time I tried to buy a new one she would tell me not to because she said when it's her turn to go back to work she wanted to be the one to buy me a new Rolex. So that's the story behind the watch. I will admit, a tear fell when I saw it, but I just put it back in the box and locked it in the safe.

 

My buddy has really been a great resource, he's got years of experience with these sorts of things. His advice is that I go ahead and file for divorce and that I can always stop it, he said I need to accept the fact that the marriage I thought I had is dead and the wife I thought knew is gone, she made the mess, let her clean it up and that even if we decide to reconcile I will never be able to trust her or look at her the same again. I'm grateful for his help, still a little weird having such a good friend of ours watch her, but if I had to choose someone I guess I would rather it be him.

 

I am going to take my time before I make any decisions, I know some people might view this as weak, but this is still my life and I have to give myself enough time to find out if I can live with everything that has happened. I know what she did was wrong, but she's been caught, she's been busted, she took a gamble and she lost, but I'm not going to just toss her away like yesterday's trash, she's still a human being with feelings, I'm not going to be cruel and sadistic to her. I can't bring myself to do to her what she's done to me.

 

I'm not sure if we're going to make it, I'm leaning more towards divorce, but I still have a few days to decide before I move forward.

 

Once again, thank you all for the thoughtful responses, I wish I could reply to all of them, but I do read everything you write. Will try and get a little sleep and will update if anything significant happens.

 

BTW: The text message reply I sent to him was not: "F U"

 

It was: "F OFF" :)

Edited by KnightMan
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Hello Everyone,

 

....... and she even gave him a very expensive watch for Christmas.

 

(she's never given me a watch)

 

.............I've even caught her texting him when she was supposed to be having a romantic dinner, alone with me. ........she thinks I'm overreacting and she even claims that maybe I'm being a little insecure about the fact that she now earns more than me.

 

...... and I'm being paranoid, ...........and now she says I'm controlling and she seems determined to go whether I like it or not.

 

.................our sex life is down the drain and she gets irritated easily and picks fights with me about stupid stuff.

 

 

OP these parts do make me concerned. I don't want to jump to conclusions here but it seems you're not her number 1 priority anymore.

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She is throwing all the spaghetti against the wall to fix this -- i don't think she tought about it any farther than not. Right, i don't know if he made it known that he wanted one or not.

 

I have been following ghis thread as im in the same situation, well much worse as emotional abuse was a major issue too. i just registered now as i will reply to you with more detail, advice when i get home from work. i need serious help myself but before i post my own thread i will do my best to help u as ur in a similar situation.

 

one thing to think about is - what would she be doing now if you didnt catch her out on her behaviour. Think we all know the answer to that. Promise i will talk more when i gey home from work.

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Couple of things OP.

 

Seeing the signs and not wanting to believe them is normal. Nobody, and I mean nobody, ever wants to believe that the person they love is a cheating, lying, backstabbing filth. That's why so many people usually need concrete proof before they can accept that it really is happening. It's why your friend has a job. People do see the signs, they do know what it means, but.....it's so hard to accept and you want to make every excuse possible not to. On top of that, cheaters lie and will go to any lengths to cover their tracks, including making you feel like you are crazy. It's what your wife did to you - telling you that you are crazy, controlling, imagining things, she is just trying to make a good impression, etc, etc, etc. Lies and deceit.....making you feel nuts even though you are not.

 

This man she got with doesn't matter. Please don't focus on him, who he is, what money he has, etc. It doesn't matter. Nothing about him matters. He is just a blob in this. What matters is that your wife was ready and ripe and looking and if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. It's why it happened so fast. In a way, he just happened to be around and convenient for her. Cheaters want to cheat. Period. Even the lies they'll tell the other person are pretty much the same (and kind of mind boggling that people keep falling for the bs), basically that are just so gosh darn miserable in their relationship, their SO just doesn't get them the way this new person does. *eyeroll* Seriously, the bs is so monotonously the same.

 

She has shown you a fundamental character flaw that you didn't know she has and it's hard to wrap your head around that. It just is.

 

Definitely take your time, as much time as you need. However, do not blame yourself and do not allow her to blame you and she will. Trust me she will. Cheaters do not want to take responsibility for their actions. She will put up a fight - you weren't this or that, you didn't understand her, etc, etc, etc. IT.IS.ALL.BULLSH$T. It all comes down to this - I feel kind of guilty, I don't want to feel guilty, so I am going to justify why I did what I did by blaming you at all costs.

 

Cheating is a purely selfish, self centered, egotistical act. There are no reasons, no justifications, no excuses for it other than they wanted to, it was exciting.

 

So as you go through this keep that firmly in the back of your mind. If she was bored, she could have come to you, she could have come up with ideas to spice things up. If she was really so checked out and done with the marriage, she could have filed for divorce. There.is.never.a.reason.to.cheat.

 

If you decide to at least try to work through this, don't even bother talking with her without an experienced marital counselor present who actually specializes in this kind of stuff. Otherwise all you are going to get is a mind fck from her as she will shift from crying, to telling you she is sorry, to buying you gifts, to blaming you, to telling you whatever she thinks you want to hear - she is saving her skin right now, literally, and she'll try anything at all to see what sticks.

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"I am going to take my time before I make any decisions, I know some people might view this a weak"

 

No, not at all. Take your time.

And taking your time doesn't me she has a chance either. It just means you are too raw to do anything right now other than getting thru this shock one moment at a time.

You will start to get your balance back and the actions you need to act on, though difficult while seem somewhat more manageable.

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