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My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
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Buddy just called, he already started digging for information

 

Turns out Mr. Fancy Pants isn't single - he's still officially married but separated

 

Depending on what state you live in, some of the circumstances do not matter.

CA is a no fault state. Doesn't matter who did what.

I only say this because you might save your self some unnecessary grief forensically digging up information.

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To have a chance she has to:

 

- Quite her job. Send a no contact letter. (I have a good sample I can share in private)

- She needs to change her cell phone number, erase him from all social media or electronic means of communication

- you need to send him your own “no contact letter” (I have a very powerful one also can share in private)

- you call him also.

- you need real marriage therapy (very tough to find good ones)

 

Letters must be sent certified mail.

 

Thanks, you and my buddy would make a great team, he's actually covered most of this.

I wanted to personally thank you, I think it was you who suggested I call her back and tell her to get home

I thought to myself "why not?" normally I would have just let it go

I just happened to read your suggestion the very moment I was fed up and something clicked.

 

So again thanks :)

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Message received

 

My buddy is a pro and dedicated to making sure I don't get screwed over

Everything has been printed out, I have copies in my safe and an extra copy for an attorney

Also backed up everything to the cloud

 

The agreement was that I would work until she finished school, then we would switch, which we did back in June, I stay home and build another business while receiving a residual income from another, she would go to work until we agreed that our financial situation would allow us both to stay home, go on our dream vacation and then come back home and start a family. We separated our accounts when she got the new job, she doesn't need my money, she has her own cards, the only thing we share is the phone and my name is on her car insurance. The way it's looking now she might end up having to pay me alimony, but I need to talk to an attorney about that. The marital assets should be pretty easy to divide, thankfully we had enough sense to put in writing an agreement that states if things went south we would both leave with what we came with and sell what was left. I hate to sell this condo, I love this place, but there are other condos. I'm also glad I didn't agree to let her put me on her health Insurance from her job, she said it was much better than mine.

 

(yeah, I'm not even gonna touch that phrase)

 

 

I'm covered, still need to talk to an attorney, but I'm also a bit under the weather, need to get over this cold and I haven't been eating or sleeping much but I will plan to try and do both tonight.

 

Thanks for advice

 

It is too early to make this point... anyway... you may be able to keep your condo. She may feel guilty, eventually, and may accept an agreement such that you buy her out, paying her her share over time. Or trading some of the value of the car or whatever else she may want to keep and you are willing to let go. It is worth fighting for because down payments can be a challenge to accumulate (assuming you want to stay there, etc). And you may have some savings on transfer tax, moving expenses etc.

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Knightman,

 

20 years together and my gut was talking to me for weeks but I wasn't listening. I ultimately caught her cheating.

 

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Remember this just happened to you and your heart is still in love with that person even though your mind thinks otherwise. Your love for her was real and deep and will not just disappear over night. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel angry, it is okay to still love her and it is okay to at times want to try and fix this so your life can go back before she cheated. Now is not the time to make big choices because you are in shock just like I was. It takes a little time to really believe this is really happening. Take that time to grieve the death of trust you once had but take care of yourself.

 

Here are a few things you need to remember:

 

She didn't stop the affair, you caught her. How long would it have gone on if you hadn't

She wasted no time jumping in bed with him. A week is pretty fast to forget you are married and took vows.

She tells you she never intended to hurt you but any adult knows betraying the one you are supposed to love hurts them whether they find out or not.

She knew exactly what she was doing but like all cheaters thought she wouldn't get caught and if nobody knows then it isn't wrong.

 

Leave her at her parents for at least a week with total no contact while you get your feet back under you. This type of thing puts you and your system in shock and it takes time to come out of it totally.

 

Just so you know you are not alone in the way you are thinking. I believed my wife when she spun her web of lies and gave her another chance, caught her going back to her bf, started the divorce process and once again believed the lies and gave her another chance and you guessed it caught her going back to him. I did give her a third chance but it was not a real chance because I knew she was lying but I let it play out while I secretly worked on gathering even more evidence to use against her in the divorce. I have no regrets how things turned out but I wish I had found this site BEFORE the 3 chance were given.

 

Many have lived what you are living right now both male and female. Just know that you will survive and one day be happy and trusting once again.

 

Keep posting and take care of yourself

 

Lost

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Thanks, you and my buddy would make a great team, he's actually covered most of this.

I wanted to personally thank you, I think it was you who suggested I call her back and tell her to get home

I thought to myself "why not?" normally I would have just let it go

I just happened to read your suggestion the very moment I was fed up and something clicked.

 

So again thanks :)

 

Thank you for your comment! I’m happy to have been there for you. I have a very good letter I send the guy my wife had the emotional affair with. It might help you.

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It is too early to make this point... anyway... you may be able to keep your condo. She may feel guilty, eventually, and may accept an agreement such that you buy her out, paying her her share over time. Or trading some of the value of the car or whatever else she may want to keep and you are willing to let go. It is worth fighting for because down payments can be a challenge to accumulate (assuming you want to stay there, etc). And you may have some savings on transfer tax, moving expenses etc.

 

 

 

Thanks, this is very helpful advice!

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Thanks, this is very helpful advice!

 

Been there done that with the cheating spouse, after 2 kids and they met hers and were spending time like a family even as we were in the same house. I didn't nail him for $$, I wanted to be done and move on. I did keep what was most important to me - my pre-marital home, primary influence over the kids via primary custody, and responsibility for kids' school. Very expensive, and worth it.

 

Good luck with your journey. The happiness I have now is deeper, calmer, layered under exhaustion - yet still so much better. I am so much better.

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Knightman,

 

20 years together and my gut was talking to me for weeks but I wasn't listening. I ultimately caught her cheating.

 

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Remember this just happened to you and your heart is still in love with that person even though your mind thinks otherwise. Your love for her was real and deep and will not just disappear over night. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel angry, it is okay to still love her and it is okay to at times want to try and fix this so your life can go back before she cheated. Now is not the time to make big choices because you are in shock just like I was. It takes a little time to really believe this is really happening. Take that time to grieve the death of trust you once had but take care of yourself.

 

Here are a few things you need to remember:

 

She didn't stop the affair, you caught her. How long would it have gone on if you hadn't

She wasted no time jumping in bed with him. A week is pretty fast to forget you are married and took vows.

She tells you she never intended to hurt you but any adult knows betraying the one you are supposed to love hurts them whether they find out or not.

She knew exactly what she was doing but like all cheaters thought she wouldn't get caught and if nobody knows then it isn't wrong.

 

Leave her at her parents for at least a week with total no contact while you get your feet back under you. This type of thing puts you and your system in shock and it takes time to come out of it totally.

 

Just so you know you are not alone in the way you are thinking. I believed my wife when she spun her web of lies and gave her another chance, caught her going back to her bf, started the divorce process and once again believed the lies and gave her another chance and you guessed it caught her going back to him. I did give her a third chance but it was not a real chance because I knew she was lying but I let it play out while I secretly worked on gathering even more evidence to use against her in the divorce. I have no regrets how things turned out but I wish I had found this site BEFORE the 3 chance were given.

 

Many have lived what you are living right now both male and female. Just know that you will survive and one day be happy and trusting once again.

 

Keep posting and take care of yourself

 

Lost

 

 

I can tell you've been through this before, your posts seem to really hit home. We have agreed on a week at her parents. She's only been gone a few hours but she's been texting me non-stop with apologies, been tempted to respond but I haven't, just don't really want to communicate with her right now. You're right, I'm still in shock, I feel like I'm standing still and everything is moving around me at 100 miles an hour. I can't seem to focus on one thing, then I get up and just start pacing the floor, I hope this goes away, I hate feeling like I'm lost.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I really appreciate it, it really helps to know there is someone else out there that has been through all this before, it really helps.

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Thank you for your comment! I’m happy to have been there for you. I have a very good letter I send the guy my wife had the emotional affair with. It might help you.

 

I actually decided not to confront that POS based on the advice others gave here.

Do you think sending him a letter would do any good? To be honest I'm trying not to think about him

 

That brings me to another question

 

Just when I thought I had my thoughts under control, I started thinking about all the things they had done to each other in those messages I found. It's been driving me crazy. I try not to think about it but those images of him doing those things to my wife and her enjoying it are killing me right now and I can't seem to get rid of them. Is there something I can do to get those images out of my head? How long does this last? This is actually worse than finding out. It's like the two of them are still tormenting me.

 

I also keep having reoccurring thoughts of wanting her to suffer like I am

I want her to feel the pain of being cheated on

I've had plenty of opportunites and turned them all down, I have always been faithful to her

I know it's wrong to want revenge like this and I know I would never bring myself to do it

But the thoughts are there, my world has been turned upside down

I feel like punching a wall but I know I can't because I'm the one who would have to pay for it in the end

 

Somebody please tell me this gets better

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Been there done that with the cheating spouse, after 2 kids and they met hers and were spending time like a family even as we were in the same house. I didn't nail him for $$, I wanted to be done and move on. I did keep what was most important to me - my pre-marital home, primary influence over the kids via primary custody, and responsibility for kids' school. Very expensive, and worth it.

 

Good luck with your journey. The happiness I have now is deeper, calmer, layered under exhaustion - yet still so much better. I am so much better.

 

 

Thanks for sharing that with me, I admire your resolve!

A very encouraging read. :)

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I actually decided not to confront that POS based on the advice others gave here.

Do you think sending him a letter would do any good? To be honest I'm trying not to think about him

 

That brings me to another question

 

Just when I thought I had my thoughts under control, I started thinking about all the things they had done to each other in those messages I found. It's been driving me crazy. I try not to think about it but those images of him doing those things to my wife and her enjoying it are killing me right now and I can't seem to get rid of them. Is there something I can do to get those images out of my head? How long does this last? This is actually worse than finding out. It's like the two of them are still tormenting me.

 

I also keep having reoccurring thoughts of wanting her to suffer like I am

I want her to feel the pain of being cheated on

I've had plenty of opportunites and turned them all down, I have always been faithful to her

I know it's wrong to want revenge like this and I know I would never bring myself to do it

But the thoughts are there, my world has been turned upside down

I feel like punching a wall but I know I can't because I'm the one who would have to pay for it in the end

 

Somebody please tell me this gets better

 

No, take the high road and do not confront him. It won't change what happened.

She is just as much to blame as he is. Even if he started it, she agreed to go along with it.

He did not force her to cheat on you for 6 months. Don't get revenge by cheating on her either.

It will just make you feel guilty and may cause you to forgive what she's done because you feel

like you settled the score. And will she actually care if you did? Not likely because she had already

physically and emotionally detached herself from your marriage. Plus she will just have something

to throw back in your face, and if you stay together it will become her excuse to cheat again.

Of course she's texting you non stop. Her life is about to change drastically, and she doesn't want that.

And staying at her parents after being married and out of their house is not an ideal situation for her.

She can apologize all she wants, beg, plead, cry, it's all to get you to forgive her so that her life goes

back to what it was. Had she really been remorseful, she would have stopped the affair long ago and

come clean to you. Even if she didn't come clean, she still would have stopped it. She had the control

at any point to end it, but made a conscious decision to keep doing it.

Those images in your mind are going to be there for a very long time to come. But it will get better.

I had gone through this also, and it hurts terribly, but you will heal from this. Unfortunately only time is

the true healer.

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"How long does this last?"

- If you fall for pop-culture's vengeful/hateful remedies..., the rest of your life. You will be changed into something ugly.

 

If you choose to understand, forgive and move on (to whatever that means for you), a year and then it will quickly fad.

 

To understand infidelity, read James's Dobson's "Love must be Tough". (Do not confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL, with today's hateful versions of TL.)

 

First Aid:

1. STOP DRINKING! NOT EVEN ONE DRINK!

2. Until you read Dobson, don't agree to anything. Just tell her you need more time alone.

3. Don't make any decisions!

4. If she calls, JUST LISTEN. Make no promises, agreements, deadlines or demands.

5. DO NOT PLEAD!

6. Act like you understand. Act like your happy for her..., just don't say it. (Happy for her? You'll understand later!)

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I can get access to the phone records because I am the primary account holder.

She swears up and down that nothing is going on, but I'm thinking an emotional affair at least.

 

One time a group of us all went out to eat and he sat across from us.

He asked her how her fish tasted and she said "Yummy, you want some?"

And instead of sliding her plate over and letting him take a portion of her fish,

she starts spoon feeding him at least 3 times right in front of me

We had one of our worst arguments ever that night, she thought I blew the whole thing out of proportion.

 

Another time he invited everyone over to his big fancy house for a party

I arrived late and when I went around back I see her boss chasing her around the pool

Then he grabs her by the waist and throws her in fully clothed.

We had another big argument that night, she claimed they had all been drinking and just having a bit of fun

She made me feel like a jealous jerk that night.

 

Ok, first off, don’t EVER say he is a better man than you. A better man would not flirt with someone’s wife. I just read your message above and aside from her phone behavior, everything above is so inappropriate- spoon feeding him? Chasing around the pool? Even if she is not physically cheating, this flirting is extremely disrespectful and I would leave someone if I saw my so doing that with anyone. You are much better than this loser. Let him have her and move on with your life. Good luck

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I actually decided not to confront that POS based on the advice others gave here.

Do you think sending him a letter would do any good? To be honest I'm trying not to think about him

 

If you think there is no risk the affair might continue, then such letter would not help. In my case it was helpful for me to be at peace I had done everything within my power.

 

Only time will make things better for you. One decision you do need to make is whether you want to save your marriage or not. If the answer is NO just move on focusing on your own future. I can tell you the relationship has changed forever, it will never be the way it was. You will never see her the same. Trust has been broken.

 

I decided to fight for my marriage, 8 years later I regret that decision.

 

My advice is this. Divorce her. Tell her that the woman you married is gone and you don’t want to be married to this new person. So you are moving on with your life plans without her.

 

Also tell her that strangely, you believe she might still be the woman of your life. If in the coming months, after divorce, you both want to start dating again, there might be a chance for you to regain what you used to have and restore the confidence that is now shattered.

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Is there something I can do to get those images out of my head?

 

Advice that helped me:

 

1. Make a list of things to do while angry/upset/sad/overwhelmed. For me, it was concentrated physical labor (digging ditches, burning brush, moving boulders). (Instead of trying to get over the feelings, I told myself it's ok to cry as long as I'm digging ditches or whatever. It was a good outlet for me, very grounding, and I accomplished a few things in the process.)

 

2. Thought switching. I think that's what it's called. Someone on ENA suggested a technique when you are picturing them, imagine it like viewing through a camera lens, stop, refocus on an image of view, take a snapshot of you, and let that image grow bigger and stronger and brighter and better and obliterate any other image you were carrying. That image of you can become who you want to be in the future when all this is distant history and you are healed and happy and living YOU to the fullest.

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I can tell you've been through this before, your posts seem to really hit home. We have agreed on a week at her parents. She's only been gone a few hours but she's been texting me non-stop with apologies, been tempted to respond but I haven't, just don't really want to communicate with her right now. You're right, I'm still in shock, I feel like I'm standing still and everything is moving around me at 100 miles an hour. I can't seem to focus on one thing, then I get up and just start pacing the floor, I hope this goes away, I hate feeling like I'm lost.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I really appreciate it, it really helps to know there is someone else out there that has been through all this before, it really helps.

 

Good move to not text her! She doesn't know what to do because you are behaving in a strong manner. If she texts you and tells you she has resigned from her job, then that's meaningful communication. Apologies are apologizing that she got caught, not that she will change - at least at this point.

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Those awful thoughts that fill your mind when it is silent and nothing is occupying your thoughts. They haunted me like they are haunting you.

 

What worked best for me was to stay busy and not close down. Spending time with people that love me just doing nothing really helped a lot. There is also a trick I used that would snap me out of the circular thinking. When I found myself having those types of thoughts I would simply ask myself "what good is coming from thinking about this?" the answer is always "Nothing" so I would move my thoughts to music and try to remember the lyrics to songs and sing them. It takes time for the "what if's" and "why's" and "how could I have prevented this" to fade.

 

There are many things to be glad about. No children, no health problems (you do need to get tested for std's though) and you have people that love you and will support and help you though all this.

 

I took the high road as much as possible. Did I take a shot at her once in a while? Yep and it felt good for a few moments but it wasn't who I am and it isn't who you are either.

 

Send her one text. Tell her that she needs to stop trying to contact you as you will not respond. Let her know that you will contact her once a week has passed and you will let her know then what will happen next. If she continues to contact you just ignore them. It is insulting really for her to be so apologetic now after 6 months of treating you like you didn't exist.

 

I was tempted to inflict some pain on the POS my wife was banging but I knew sitting in a jail cell would only increase my problems so I let it go. I did have some fun at a few school functions when he was there with his children and I was there with my son. I stared him down for a while and then got up and headed his way in a straight line never looking away. He got up and left pretty fast. Juvenile I know but it gave me some satisfaction.

 

So where is Karma? When will she or the POS get theirs? When will the scales balance out and your pain will be felt by them? Maybe next week, maybe never but you need to ignore what is just and fair and focus on your life because living a happy prosperous life is the absolute best revenge.

 

This POS didn't cause this as you know as well as I do that there are men out there that will sleep with any woman regardless of their relationship status. If not him it would have been someone sooner or later because this is a character flaw not an "Out of body experience" as she put it. By the way I have heard a lot of justifications and excuses by cheaters on here for years and that one is a new one on me!

 

Take it day by day brother, it gets better I promise

 

Lost

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Emotional infidelity (at a minimum) has (is?) definitely taken (is taking?) place.

All the apologies in the world do not address the underlying reasons.

If you want to stay married, you need to go to counselling and understand why. And find a way to rebuild trust.

Or this will happen again and she will hide it better.

This is not easy. Be strong

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i am not a cheater. I cheated. He cheated. The whole thing was a mess.

 

I opened that way, because I did a few things that I wouldn't do again.

 

(1) Deny my own needs. Our marriage was doomed before it began, and every time my inside voice told me so, I shouted it down. I was confused, I was rebuffed by my now exH, I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't fix it by myself, I felt trapped. And that leads to #2.

(2) Ignore my instincts. They were right. Enough said.

(3) Take responsibility for the entire relationship. No. It takes two.

 

Said the positive way:

(1) Take responsibility for what I need. I do not need to benchmark my needs against "normal" whatever that is. They are mine, I need them. Period.

(2) Listen to and respect my inner voice.

(3) Expect my SO to do what he can. Accept what he can't. If that isn't enough, then I have to admit the worst and leave. End of.

 

The crispness of #3 struck fear into me, before, and all that did was delay the inevitable. Had I been brave enough to act on #3 - which I acknowledged and then denied or avoided - then he may have tried harder, sooner, because my threat of leaving was so clear.

 

Another couple I know kept at it, until they both tried to make it work at the same time. Their observation is that both need to try at the same time; at least both of them had seen the other try, and had confidence that they could align their efforts eventually.

 

My exH never tried, just avoided. I was shut out, and I accepted that. My mistake. It was over long before it was over.

 

I say this to you because by the time I chose to enter into another relationship, I hadn't had sex in 5 years. In the course of our marriage, start to finish, I doubt we had sex 20 times - that is less than once a year, twice a year if you count only the years before our external relationships were known to each other. Our ability to connect emotionally was absent. We were activity companions, and as I became more and more angry about my isolation, my ability to tolerate being his companion declined to zero.

 

After a time, I accepted my role in the dissolution of our marriage, which in my mind is the fact that I chose it in the first place, and refused to leave it. He did what he could do. We both were alone and yet stuck together. I no longer judge him nor am I angry at his behavior, which was flagrant and destructive. We all are human, doing whatever we can do to satisfy ourselves. It is nobody's fault; both of our faults.

 

Cheating is bad news, to be sure. The underlying picture, though, is the real meat of the issue. Whether you two respect each other, hear each other, concern yourselves with each other's concerns. While the cheating is a distraction right now, it may be useful to think of the meatier aspects of your relationship. How did you get here? What do you need, from anyone, from her?

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