Jump to content

My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
 Share

Recommended Posts

Every now and then I have one of those defining moments where it hits me that my marriage is REALLY over.

When I took the trash can outside for the garbage man and went back inside I realized, this was another one of those moments.

 

I had one of those moments as was moving out of my old place. On the last night as I was locking up for the last time, I threw away the receipt to some jewelry I bought the ex. I remember the light blue Tiffany envelope sticking to the side of the trash compactor chute opening in the rain. I looked up just in time to see her driving out to meet up with her new guy.

 

I looked back down on the stuck receipt and spat on it to make sure it landed in the pile below.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In 3 years both of you will look back on this and laugh. Head forward towards endless new possibilities!

 

 

do you mean KM and SM or KM and his stbx? if the latter, I sure hope she is not laughing in any number of years to come. looks like Karma is already doing its job as is, but i'm sure she has more in store for stbx.

 

KM, hopefully the divorce will be finalized smoothly (though I'm sure she will throw more fits, judging by the photo album story) and you can focus on living your life and focusing on achieving your dreams and aspirations that got left behind in the years past. You have no idea how awesome it is to do whatever the eff you want without that ballast around your neck:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Had a dream last night her and the OM were laughing at me. I woke up in a bad mood, not because of the dream, but because I know I still haven't forgiven her. I know at some point I have to forgive but I'm still not there yet. Sometimes this wave of rage comes over me and I want her to feel like I feel, but in the end I can't bring myself to try and hurt her, it's just not the kind of person I am. The thing that worries me the most is that I won't be able to let go of this feeling and I'm still not sure If I will ever be able to trust someone with my heart again.

 

Not feeling sorry for myself today, just felt like ranting a little and getting this off my chest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It will take time, maybe even possibly years. But you will heal and you will become strong again and find it in your heart to trust again. You are still moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it.

You are healing, little bit by little bit.

 

You really are doing amazingly well. Some days will be harder than others and some days you will feel like crap and once again have the mourning. But it too will pass and you will still continue to heal.

 

Be gentle with yourself. Find ways to remind yourself that life is still good, that there are still good people in this world. Appreciate even the smallest things like a beautiful sunset or sunrise.

Time will wash this pain away. I promise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Before I got married I always dreamed of being able to travel

 

Then plan a short trip somewhere simple. Call a buddy or a couple and see if he/they are free for a weekend or go by yourself. Baby steps is best right now but just go but make sure you have activities thought out. You don't want to go somewhere and then walk around sad because you are all alone.

 

It takes time to build YOUR life into what you want. Be sure to get out of your comfort zone pretty frequently, explore things you wouldn't normally do, keep an open mind and reach out and help others. Your life will come to you as you rediscover yourself.

 

Good luck

 

Lost

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
any updates? how are things going?

 

Nothing much to update, been pretty quiet around here, SBTX hasn't tried to contact me. Came home one day and found the photo album by the front door, not sure who dropped it off, some of the photos were missing, didn't find any notes attached. Mrs. OM called me again, looks like OM is going to make sure their divorce is a nasty one, turns out she was the mystery lady I saw with the OM at Red Lobster, no wonder I didn't recognize her. She wanted to know how I was holding up and that her offer to meet still stands, she somehow got her hands on the watch my wife gave the OM and wants to meet because she thinks I should have it, told her I'll pass.

 

Her ex-friend called again too, the STBX reached out to her and I guess they are in contact again, tried to tell me everything she's been up to, she got a speeding ticket and she's back in therapy, politely told her I didn't care for any future updates on the STBX and made an excuse to get off the phone with her.

 

I still have a few triggers but they don't effect me as much anymore, other than that I'm doing well, just got a brand new SUV and planning a ten day road trip at the end of this month. Our court date is set for next month, so I'll be ready to start a new chapter in my life very soon.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nothing much to update, been pretty quiet around here, SBTX hasn't tried to contact me. Came home one day and found the photo album by the front door, not sure who dropped it off, some of the photos were missing, didn't find any notes attached. Mrs. OM called me again, looks like OM is going to make sure their divorce is a nasty one, turns out she was the mystery lady I saw with the OM at Red Lobster, no wonder I didn't recognize her. She wanted to know how I was holding up and that her offer to meet still stands, she somehow got her hands on the watch my wife gave the OM and wants to meet because she thinks I should have it, told her I'll pass.

 

Her ex-friend called again too, the STBX reached out to her and I guess they are in contact again, tried to tell me everything she's been up to, she got a speeding ticket and she's back in therapy, politely told her I didn't care for any future updates on the STBX and made an excuse to get off the phone with her.

 

I still have a few triggers but they don't effect me as much anymore, other than that I'm doing well, just got a brand new SUV and planning a ten day road trip at the end of this month. Our court date is set for next month, so I'll be ready to start a new chapter in my life very soon.

 

Oh nice! Nothing like a good car, full tank of gas and an open scenic road. :) Fortunately where I live road trips are a blast and the back roads are truly lovely. Enjoy your trip!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today it finally hit me that before the end of next month I'll be divorced. It's going to cost me big but it won't be a total loss, I still get to keep the condo. I looked back over this thread and the hell storm I've been through and to be honest I can't believe I've made it this far. I still don't know how I did it. I think it was a combination of surrounding myself with good friends, being able to shut down to avoid drama and the collective wisdom from all of you. I want you all to know I could never have made it this far without all the great advice I received here. I really appreciate it! Thank you all again!

 

It's been over a month and still no contact from the STBX and her family, that has to be some kind of record. My last few IC sessions have been great! I think I finally realized that one of the reasons I'm still having a hard time forgiving her is because I haven't really forgiven myself. I've done a great job of making all the right choices to deal with all this craziness, but I also think I've allowed my decisiveness to become a smoke screen for dealing with the real pain.

 

It's one thing to admit and own up to my mistakes, but it's another thing to forgive myself for making them. Unfortunately, this is where I'm stuck, I know how to take responsibility for my faults and put on a good game face and pretend to be guilt-free, but what I don't know how to do is forgive myself. I feel like I really need to learn how to do this before I can really move forward.

 

And last, I took out the one picture I wanted to keep from the wedding album, got ready to throw the rest of the album in the trash but I couldn't bring myself to do it, not sure why. I put it back upstairs and I guess I'll figure it out later. One more week and I'm off on vacation for ten days, thought about taking my buddy with me but then I thought to myself "nah, not this time, this is something I need to do by myself" Can't wait to drive through all those beautiful mountains and lay out on the deck again at night and fall asleep staring at all those incredible stars!

 

 

And before I forget...

He told me not to do this but I'm going to embarrass him anyway,

To My Main Bud whose been with me from the beginning, through all the good, the bad and the ugly,

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!!!

 

Never could have done it without you brother! Who da man? You da man! :D

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have followed this thread and I can agree with Honeycomb8 you seem like a great man and you will come out better than before. I went through hell before I met my husband and I think life just prepares you to be someone great for the person you are meant for.

I’ve been through divorce and crappy partners but I can’t say that I would appreciate what I have if it weren’t because of everything I have been through. There is light at the end of the tunnel

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its okay to keep the pictures. You can always get rid of them down the line if you choose but can never get them back if you toss them now. I wish i had the wedding pics from my ex and i because an aunt and my grandfather are in them and they have since passed away - they are not in pics with the ex, either. You may find peace in "yes, this is my history - it happened and its neutral" - you can always later choose to get rid of most pics of the two of you if you were to remarry - but you may find in the years to come its the only pic you have of some of the other people or the last one when a grandparent or aunt/uncle was "as you remember them"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Take the photo album, wrap it up in a plastic bag, and place it in a box. Put it in a storage room or garage and let it be.

 

In years time if and when you're ready you can look at it for the memories only. The pain does go away, I promise. You will look at the pics one day and think of a time in your life that once was and nothing more to it.

Honest.

 

You've done so well, knightman! Still cheering you on and still checking in on you. Keep well. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Take the photo album, wrap it up in a plastic bag, and place it in a box. Put it in a storage room or garage and let it be.

 

In years time if and when you're ready you can look at it for the memories only. The pain does go away, I promise. You will look at the pics one day and think of a time in your life that once was and nothing more to it.

Honest.

 

You've done so well, knightman! Still cheering you on and still checking in on you. Keep well. :)

 

I agree--- but would keep it back on a closet shelf or something since he is in a condo and may not have a garage -- and because mildew

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went out to grab some coffee and a little breakfast this morning at Burger King and sat down to wait for my order and the STBX walked in, she saw me and screamed my name out and ran over and hugged me, thank God the place was practically empty. She looked horrible, like she hadn't slept in a month. She sat in a booth across from me and started chattering 100mph, complimenting me on how much weight I've lost and how good I look. She seemed coherent enough and even told me to wish my buddy a happy birthday for her (surprised she even remembered).

 

I didn't want to appear rude so I just sat there, smiled and let her talk. She went to a wedding and said everyone kept asking where I was. Then she started in with the apologies and the tears. I don't think I've ever seen her cry that much, she talked and cried, she cried and talked. She cried and cried, then every few minutes she would stop and lift up her blouse to wipe her eyes. I just sat there and let her go at it. It was like she felt like as if she was never going to get another opportunity like this so she kept trying to jam in all these different conversations at once, she still loved me, missed me, she ruined everything, hates the OM, hopes we can remain friends, etc, etc.

 

They finally called my number so I went and picked up my order and don't ask me why but I had a moment of weakness and went back over to my booth and sat back down to let her finish. She looked so defeated and lost and I felt so sorry for her, I could tell she was in pain and trying to cover it up. She's going back to school and she's back in therapy, keeping herself busy, she apologized for bringing the sheriff's dept. over to the house, she said she doesn't hate me and promised she wasn't going to cause any more drama before the court date and how I had been a perfect gentlemen and that she only wanted me to be happy.

 

I told her I had to leave, we both got up and I hugged her, she squeezed me so tight I thought she would cut off my blood circulation, she wanted to know if I ever think about her, I messed up and told her yes and she hugged me again and this time she wouldn't let go. She asked me to please don't hate her, told her I could never hate her, but that I really had to leave.

 

Got home, called my buddy up and told him what happened, he wanted to know if I was ok, told him I can't help but still love her, he said that it was perfectly normal to feel that way but that I should stay focused. He's coming over tonight and we're going to go out this evening and shoot some paint balls with a few other guys. Leaving tomorrow for my road trip, see you all when I get back :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I told her I had to leave, we both got up and I hugged her, she squeezed me so tight I thought she would cut off my blood circulation, she wanted to know if I ever think about her, I messed up and told her yes and she hugged me again and this time she wouldn't let go. She asked me to please don't hate her, told her I could never hate her, but that I really had to leave.

 

you didn't mess up, not at all. what else would you have told her? "no"? c'mon, it's not like these things can be switched off in an instant, you know that. you'll be vulnerable from time to time, but time does heal, it'll just take a lot of it (time). it appears she's still been selfish and thinking about herself. i.e., "don't hate ME." light's on her now. will she have enough introspection to really dig in, find out what went wrong, and repent? time will also tell. good thing is, you don't have to worry about that now. go have some fun and start enjoying life again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Look at this as part of the process of the end of a marriage and healing. It happens, but it doesn't change the facts nor should it make you look at her differently.

 

She caused massive destruction, even with her suffering, she still did what she did. That is her cross to bear, not yours.

 

All you should be doing is concentrating on moving forward, healing and not letting your journey be interrupted by her.

 

You're doing this for YOUR sake and YOUR well being. She has to find her own way, like you do.

 

I hope your road trip goes well. :) Clear your mind, regroup.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

....it's almost funny how it just never stops being about them.........their feelings, what they want, how they feel......

 

She may have looked pitiful and that pulled on your heartstrings precisely because you are decent human being, but listen to her words - me, me, me. It was all about her. Even when she asked about you, it was still just asking about herself. Your buddy is right. Stay focused and don't let her crocodile tears get to you.

 

Have fun on your road trip!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

....it's almost funny how it just never stops being about them.........their feelings, what they want, how they feel......

 

To be fair, she complimented him and apologized, and wished his friend a happy birthday. Yes, her tears were about her feelings, and her wish not to be hated is about her, but not unusual in any breakup.

 

KnightMan, hang in there, surprise encounters will happen, but they won't all involve hugs and emotionally slogs. Eventually there may be simple hellos, or simply letting each go their own way. It is a process. As is self-forgiveness. You're not the same person you were then, and have learned from it. I hope you've had a great road trip!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...