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My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
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When all of this calms down, I bet she will contact you offering to give you back some of the photos.

 

You're upset because a part of you is still attached to the part of her that made you want to be her "Knight". You haven't yet let go of the idea that you're supposed to protect and provide for her. It will come.

 

Ouch! Now I know why they say the truth hurts! What can I say? You're absolutely right!

I hate feeling this way, can't wait for it to pass.

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She's still pointing the finger..sigh. She will always be a problem as long as she blames the other person. I think the therapist had some nerve mentioning you

 

I am sorry you have to keep going through these kinds of scenarios. All I can tell you is you have a lot of support here and we are still cheering you on.

You are not alone and we are standing behind you.

 

Thank you, this means the world to me! Don't know how I could have made it this far without all of you and this great forum!

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Sorry to hear this and I wish I could tell you that all this will end soon, but.... Until your divorce is finalized and you have no more reason to interact with each other, better brace yourself for more of this. Even after don't be surprised that you'll face some outbursts and lashing out from her. As others already said, it's not about you. To put it very simply, the only way she can live and face herself at all is to blame you somehow, to make you the bad guy even though she knows deep down it's not true, but still, it helps her survive.

 

It may be difficult for you not to take it personally, not to get offended and upset because you are human and you have feelings too, but do your best to remind yourself that what she is doing is truly survival for her. Cheaters are cowards who can't face reality and who can't take responsibility for themselves and the consequences of their actions the way normal adults do. They just can't and you can't fix that. It's a complex and deeply ingrained issue within them and it didn't just materialize, it was there all along.

 

As for your psychiatrist, I think it's fair and important to eventually explore your personal flaws and what you could do better in relationships, but not quite time for that yet. First you have to get past the divorce, the pain, the emotional damage from all this before you can start taking a healthy objective look at yourself and what could be improved on in the future. The key word here is future. Every catastrophe does eventually lead to personal growth. As for counseling, yeah I kind of disagree with that as well. Sure, it works for some couples, where there is true remorse and a serious desire on the part of the cheater to first fix themselves. In reality, most couples do not get past cheating, counseling or not. Actually, your therapist kind of spoke out of both sides of this mouth about it. You should maybe have tried counseling, but I really admire how you are walking away clean. It sounds almost like he is parroting what he should say, but what he really thinks personally is "good job knightman."

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Sorry to hear this and I wish I could tell you that all this will end soon, but.... Until your divorce is finalized and you have no more reason to interact with each other, better brace yourself for more of this. Even after don't be surprised that you'll face some outbursts and lashing out from her. As others already said, it's not about you. To put it very simply, the only way she can live and face herself at all is to blame you somehow, to make you the bad guy even though she knows deep down it's not true, but still, it helps her survive.

 

It may be difficult for you not to take it personally, not to get offended and upset because you are human and you have feelings too, but do your best to remind yourself that what she is doing is truly survival for her. Cheaters are cowards who can't face reality and who can't take responsibility for themselves and the consequences of their actions the way normal adults do. They just can't and you can't fix that. It's a complex and deeply ingrained issue within them and it didn't just materialize, it was there all along.

 

As for your psychiatrist, I think it's fair and important to eventually explore your personal flaws and what you could do better in relationships, but not quite time for that yet. First you have to get past the divorce, the pain, the emotional damage from all this before you can start taking a healthy objective look at yourself and what could be improved on in the future. The key word here is future. Every catastrophe does eventually lead to personal growth. As for counseling, yeah I kind of disagree with that as well. Sure, it works for some couples, where there is true remorse and a serious desire on the part of the cheater to first fix themselves. In reality, most couples do not get past cheating, counseling or not. Actually, your therapist kind of spoke out of both sides of this mouth about it. You should maybe have tried counseling, but I really admire how you are walking away clean. It sounds almost like he is parroting what he should say, but what he really thinks personally is "good job knightman."

 

I guess I should expound on what my counselor meant about the quitting part. I was writing so fast I realize now that what I wrote could be easily misunderstood. He doesn't think or agree with my wife that I'm a quitter, he thinks I'm just the opposite and handling everything pretty well considering the circumstances. What he meant was that he was concerned that I might believe what she told me because I told him that sometimes I think she's right.

 

He said "You're not a quitter, far from it". He told me it took courage and strength to walk away like I did and that there was nothing wrong with protecting myself after everything that's happened. He said the way we see ourselves can greatly effect the recovery and healing process and that he usually spends most of his time listening to his clients talk themselves into staying in toxic relationships. He's a big pro marriage guy but agrees with my decision to stop the bleeding and he was just curious and wanted to know why I rejected the idea of marriage counseling but completely understood my reasons.

 

I have a feeling this is far from over, bracing myself for more. I'm just trying to weather the storm and looking for a little breathing room until the divorce is final. The problem with my wife is that this is really the first time in her life she has ever had a guy tell her NO and mean it, she must have the last word and that's final. Another thing I'm having a hard time with is that my wife is very easy on the eyes, she takes good care of herself and can have her pick of guys. Why is it so hard for her to do what her therapist said?, let me go and move on.

 

It's not like she hasn't already been exploring other options

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That's awful of her. It made my stomach turn a bit, reading how she showed up at the door with a couple of sheriffs. That's amazing to me. Dumbfounding. Why? And without warning? Did you have to let her in? Certainly surprise was on her side. I suppose you could have addressed the sheriffs and not her, and told them Sorry, but she cannot come in. We'll work things out through our lawyers. Or even have them stay at the door and tell her to deliver a list of what she wants and you'll leave them outside at (Day) and (Time). I know this is all in the past now, but should she pull that again, No, just no. Unless they have a search warrant, you don't have to let them in, right? I wonder if you should get a restraining order against her before she tries to pull one on you.

 

She is too much.

 

As for the wedding album, it may be ok in the long run. I've been divorced 6 years, split up 9, and still have no desire to look at our wedding pictures. And we split up on good terms and are still friends. I just don't want the reminder yet of what I thought we once had.

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That's awful of her. It made my stomach turn a bit, reading how she showed up at the door with a couple of sheriffs. That's amazing to me. Dumbfounding. Why? And without warning? Did you have to let her in? Certainly surprise was on her side. I suppose you could have addressed the sheriffs and not her, and told them Sorry, but she cannot come in. We'll work things out through our lawyers. Or even have them stay at the door and tell her to deliver a list of what she wants and you'll leave them outside at (Day) and (Time). I know this is all in the past now, but should she pull that again, No, just no. Unless they have a search warrant, you don't have to let them in, right? I wonder if you should get a restraining order against her before she tries to pull one on you.

 

She is too much.

 

As for the wedding album, it may be ok in the long run. I've been divorced 6 years, split up 9, and still have no desire to look at our wedding pictures. And we split up on good terms and are still friends. I just don't want the reminder yet of what I thought we once had.

 

That was the first and last time she gets away with pulling a stunt like that I promise you.

I didn't want any drama and I'm so tired of fighting with her I just let her in hoping it would be the last time.

 

I have a question for everyone...

How do you deal with someone who knew about the affair but didn't tell you?

I know her friend apologized about not telling me sooner, but I'm a little apprehensive about sharing information with her.

She says they don't speak anymore, but how do I know my wife is not having her gather intel on me?

 

She's seems pretty honest but I'm struggling with a few trust issues right now

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I used to date a guy who very strongly resembled a famous and very popular movie actor. He literally had women throwing themselves at him ALL.THE.TIME. We'd be out somewhere eating lunch and the waitresses would ignore me and bat their eyelashes at him. He had it coming out of his ears if he wanted.

 

When I left him (his personality was awful), he was outraged. He's Mr. Hot Stuff and here I am, just a plain little nothing, rejecting him! How DARE I??? So, he reacted poorly. Bombarded me with messages, just didn't want to let go. Funny thing is, he'd been secretly seeing other women and sometimes would go 5 weeks without seeing me, but when I'd had enough and walked he suddenly "loved" me!

 

I refused to return to him and started dating someone else. We'd often be at the same events and I found out from someone else that he'd watch me through binoculars. I have no idea what he was looking for or at.

 

Anyway, he started electronically stalking me. Bombarded me with one message after another. Didn't give up even though I was not responding. Finally, upon advice from a family member in law enforcement, I sent him a very clear message telling him to leave me alone, then I blocked him.

 

Interestingly, the entire time he was doing the message bombardment he was living with another woman!

 

These entitled types cannot tolerate rejection, even when they are the cause of the end of the relationship. They will NOT be ignored or discarded. They are the hottest, the best, the most desirable, and no one walks away from them. See, they've never had anyone reject them so when it happens they literally cannot believe it. And they react poorly.

 

Remember to remind yourself that SHE did this, not you. Counseling, being more patient and understanding, continuing to cater to her, believing her that you are a "quitter" if you leave her...none of that would have worked because she believes SHE is the prize and you better be gosh darned grateful that she even consented to marry you. And you gosh darned better just shut up and put up with whatever she chooses to dish out.

 

There's no way to get through to that kind of mindset. She would have to realize her faults and these self-centered types are awful at introspection.

 

ETA: You don't share information with this "friend". Talk to your male buddy, the guy who helped you get the proof of the affair. Don't fall into the trap of confiding in her friends. It would most likely backfire on you.

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Why is it so hard for her to do what her therapist said?, let me go and move on.

 

You might not like my answer because I don't think it's what you are wanting to hear. But she is a spoiled brat, she can't have her own way and that's the only reason she is being like she is.

If she valued you, cherished you and loved you as you wanted her to, none of this would have happened.

 

She is stomping her foot right now, expecting everyone to do as she wants, and it's not happening, therefore, her tantrums continue.

 

 

ps: You don't know if the friend is being honest or not or is relaying information back to her. So it's best to be polite but to share as little information as possible.

 

I wouldn't even tell her how you are feeling. Just use the word "fine" a lot. And any other information you could use the excuse that your lawyer doesn't want you to talk about things if possible.

That should stop the questions. Bolt is right, is really could backfire on you if you say too much.

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How do you deal with someone who knew about the affair but didn't tell you?

 

I would give them space and give it time. There would be too much inner turmoil for me to handle interacting with them, at least until the dust has settled and I've healed. That could be a long while. If I had to have contact, I'd be courteous but cautious.

 

As for sharing information with anyone who is friends with both my partner and me while I'm going through a divorce, I think it's better not to, out of respect for everyone.

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Okay thanks, ran into her at the grocery store, exchanged in small talk, she called me later that evening and apologized again for everything. I haven't shared anything with her but I thought it was odd when she asked if I wanted to have a cup of coffee with her sometime. She was more my wife's friend than mine. Don't get me wrong she seems like a nice enough lady, but something didn't feel right and I politely declined, she said understood. Hope I didn't come off like a jerk, I'm just not ready to start meeting women connected to her affair, whether it's the OM's wife or her ex-best friend.

 

Talk about your major triggers.

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You have every right to say no...it's again about looking after yourself. And you're right, it does seem odd that she ask's you out when she was your wife's friend.

 

If it doesn't feel right, don't be pushed into it. You're doing the right thing and taking care of yourself right now.

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Had a bad day yesterday, STBX showed up with 2 deputies from the Sheriffs Dept. and said she wanted to retrieve the rest of her things.

 

Maybe the norm, but how is this possible without your prior knowledge?

What if she took jewelry that didn't belong to her? Or worse, a pistol?

 

A restraining order may be necessary?

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Maybe the norm, but how is this possible without your prior knowledge?

What if she took jewelry that didn't belong to her? Or worse, a pistol?

 

A restraining order may be necessary?

 

I'm not going to talk about the restraining order anymore, I've already gone over that a couple of times.

 

Prior knowledge? Prior knowledge of what? I'm not sure what you're asking here so I'm gong to leave this one alone.

 

If anyone thinks I would let my stbx come in here and leave with any of the stuff you mentioned or even let her have access to those things while she was in here, they don't know me very well. She moved her stuff out of here months ago and we both agreed in the divorce that after she moved there was nothing else in here that she wanted, so I didn't even have to let her in here. She changed her mind awhile back and asked for the wedding album but I didn't respond and blocked her number.

 

She showed up here with a couple of deputies (without my prior knowledge) ready to cause a scene, if she wanted that stupid album so bad she could of had her dad come over here and pick it up, she didn't have to show up here and ambush me with the law like I was some sort of threat to her. She did it because she knew it would upset me and she knows exactly which buttons to push on me. She knew the album was upstairs in our room but there's nothing up there but a dresser with my clothes, a couple of nightstands and a tv, there isn't even a bed in that room anymore. I didn't know she was going to go up there and pull all my clothes out of the drawers and throw them on all over the floor and cause a mess in the bathroom, she did that to be vindictive because she's not getting her way.

 

She was in and out of here in less than 10 minutes. The stuff she took was nothing more than insignificant little trinkets that we purchased together when we first got married, at first she said she didn't want any of that stuff, but now she suddenly wants it, if she changed her mind and suddenly decided she wants it, she can have her precious place mats and her rare napkin dispenser, I could care less. She walked out of here with the album and only a handful of items and she knows better to come over here and pull that crap again.

 

My attorney has already contacted her attorney about the incident and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Edited by KnightMan
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I am shocked deputies went with her. Unless there is court order and/or some sort and real reason (you are holding all her personal effects such as her clothing and what she needs to survive daily, have taken the keys of the car that is rightfully hers and her only transportation and therefore is theft) the police where i have lived would not get involved in a personal property dispute of trinkets.

 

I really am looking forward to this being over for you so there is no reason - even through a lawyer -- that she needs to contact you.

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I am shocked deputies went with her. Unless there is court order and/or some sort and real reason (you are holding all her personal effects such as her clothing and what she needs to survive daily, have taken the keys of the car that is rightfully hers and her only transportation and therefore is theft) the police where i have lived would not get involved in a personal property dispute of trinkets.

 

I really am looking forward to this being over for you so there is no reason - even through a lawyer -- that she needs to contact you.

 

I'm not shocked at all, you don't know my wife, she's a great actress and a master manipulator. She managed to flirt with her boss right in front of me and convince me that I was the one with the problem, after her stay in the hospital she had all of us convinced she had turned her life around, she led me to believe her and that POS were not seeing each other anymore, she lied to me about him giving the watch back to her, she even had me paranoid and convinced she knew about this forum. Convincing a couple of deputies that I had just recently thrown her out and refused to let her get her stuff was child's play to her. Nothing she does surprises me anymore. When they wrote "Hell hath no fury..." They were probably inspired by my wife.

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My POS ex moved another woman into his house while I was in the hospital trying to recover from a life threatening illness. And when I got out and confronted him he said "Why are you trying to ruin our relationship?" then stomped off.

 

Real pieces of work, these people.

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knight,

 

Moving forward and getting knocked back is all apart of the healing process and believe it or not actually helps you process the grieving you are going through. Grieving the death of your marriage/relationship is many times ignored or missed and comes back to haunt you later. It is not crazy to still love her, in fact I would say you are kidding yourself if you didn't still love her. Love like you feel/felt for her is just not turned off like a switch, it takes time...

 

Your plan sounds solid. You didn't mention any dreams or plans you always wanted to do but never did them because you were married. Everyone has them, what are yours?

 

You will know when you are in the clear when thoughts of her or interactions with her have only a fleeting affect on you. Don't think she will never be able to push a button and make you feel something you would rather not feel, focus on how long it bothers you. In time it will actually make you laugh because you will see it as pathetic.

 

There is absolutely no reason to do an autopsy on your marriage now or ever. You made plenty of mistakes and know them well. Just don't pull that crap again and learn from them and chances are you will be much better at relationships than you have ever been the next time around.

 

Word of warning. You are seen as the problem in her eyes. All the things that haven't or will not go right for her will be blamed on you in some way so remember that. In her mind every action she has taken is because of you, every word, every lie and every deceitful thing was because you forced her into it. It is all total BS but for her it is the only way she can live with herself. Steer clear of her at all costs. Do not speak to her parents, do not ask about her, do not accidentally drive by, do not see something that might help and try and get it to her or her family. Stay clear of her and her family. If you don't it will just cause this mess to linger on and on. She is a big girl and can handle herself and she has family she can turn to if needed and lets not forget her bf.

 

While you build your new life consider volunteering. Children's hospitals often need volunteers as do pet adoption centers and all kinds of non-profits so look into helping others. It is extremely good for your soul.

 

I wish you the very best. We have walked much of the same paths Knight so trust me when I tell you the best is yet to come...

 

Lost

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Word of warning. You are seen as the problem in her eyes. All the things that haven't or will not go right for her will be blamed on you in some way so remember that. In her mind every action she has taken is because of you, every word, every lie and every deceitful thing was because you forced her into it. It is all total BS but for her it is the only way she can live with herself. Steer clear of her at all costs. Do not speak to her parents, do not ask about her, do not accidentally drive by, do not see something that might help and try and get it to her or her family. Stay clear of her and her family. If you don't it will just cause this mess to linger on and on. She is a big girl and can handle herself and she has family she can turn to if needed and lets not forget her bf.

 

Read this over & over!!! This is exactly what happened to me & is still happening 20 yrs later. My ex blamed me for everything & still does. Even my kids have said a few things that lead me to believe he has told them many untruths about our divorce.

He cheated, he got caught, I divorced him, but in his eyes they only started "dating" after I threw him out lolol

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Regarding the police, just for your information, all it takes is a simple phone call request. No drama, no acting, not even any justifications. A very simple I'm going to x place, I'd like to ensure peace is enough. Not even their job to verify if you have any right to collect x, unless there is a dispute or a problem. That said, they are there to protect the peace period, on either side. So if she had started screaming or attacking you, they'd have taken her away. If you had raised the issue that she is throwing your things around, she would have been in trouble with the very cops that she brought over. In these situations, the police aren't on any one party's side and will step in to protect either.

 

For her, it was definitely a psychological game. Don't let her get to you and keep reminding yourself that she is engaging in psychological warfare at this point. Don't be surprised that she does enlist the help of friends to get information, to trap you in some compromising situation, etc. So good for you that your gut instinct rang some alarm bells about her friend approaching you and that you opted to stay away. Do be very very careful and do stay away. Literally stick to your guy buddies and fishing and keep everything else that might be boiling inside you to your therapist's ears only. For her, this is more than just never being told NO, this is about control and people like that will fight hard and very very dirty. As you keep saying over and over, she always has to have the last word. Nothing has changed in that respect in her character, she is going after the last word by any means necessary.

 

In terms of people who knew but didn't tell you, I mean you are dealing with her friend here, not yours. Only way to handle that is to strictly disengage with her friends and even mutual friends you made as a couple. People in these situations do opt to take sides and choose one person over the other. It's not a commentary on either one of you, just their own preferences, loyalties, values, etc. Best that you stick to your own old friends that you know you can count on to support you and who are without question on your side of the fence.

 

In general, to tell or not to tell is a rough call for people. There are so many variables to consider because they don't really know what is happening with your marriage behind closed doors. Maybe you know, but are choosing to turn a blind eye and won't thank them for bringing it to daylight, maybe you will be in total denial and turn on the friend. A lot of the times, these situations end up as a lose/lose scenario for the friend, so quite often people opt to keep out of it. Still, in this case, this isn't your friend, it's her friend, so take that for what it's worth - her loyalties are with your stbx, not you regardless of what she claims now.

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I decided to go around the house and remove everything that reminds me of us.

I thought going thru our stuff would be a lot harder than it was.

 

Every now and then I have one of those defining moments where it hits me that my marriage is REALLY over.

When I took the trash can outside for the garbage man and went back inside I realized, this was another one of those moments.

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