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My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan
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Had a great time at the movies last night, woke up this morning and started reading a few of your responses and I just want to set the record straight (again). Although I appreciate your kind words I want you all to know that I'm not some all knowing, all wise, courageous guy, making all the right choices, at least that's not how I feel. If I really knew what to do in every situation how in the world did I make such a poor choice for a marriage partner?

 

My wife thinks I'm a weak coward who quits when things get rough. I was the quiet one in my family. I grew up in a house with lots of arguing and fighting. When tempers started to flair I would just go somewhere and hide and wait until it was over. I'm a very non-confrontational person, over the years whenever my wife and I would argue, I would just walk away and give her the silent treatment. I always gave into her and let her have her way, that's one of my many failures as a husband in this marriage and I take full responsibility for it.

 

I put on a brave front but I second guess myself all the time. I pretend it doesn't bother me but the truth is I'm still haunted by the images of her in that hospital bed and I keep thinking what if? I know she did this to herself but I have to live with that feeling of what if for the rest of my life and that's a hell of a thing to carry around with you and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

Walking away from my marriage so quickly may seem like an awesome thing to some of you, but to her it's just another example of me running away and sometimes part of me thinks she's right. I just don't see how we can recover from all this. She's had 2 affairs that I know of, in time I might be able to forgive her, but it's all the lies that bother me the most. I had a feeling they were still in contact but I just don't care anymore, that's why I have no desire to meet with the OM's wife, because I don't want to know more, I just want this all to be done and over with.

 

I may sound like I have it all together sometimes but most of the time I don't have a clue if I'm doing the right thing or not.

I'm just a guy trying to get the bleeding in my heart to stop and doing what I always do when faced with something like this, walk away.

 

p.s. I doubt if the OM ends up in the poor house, I'm just glad he's not getting off scott free.

Now he knows how I feel and it's about time somebody wiped that stupid smirk off his face.

 

Honestly - i think you are very strong -- you had the strength to leave someone who cheated on you.

A weak person would beg and plead and put their head in the sand and either pretend not to see or ask on ENA "should i have an open marriage."

that question is asked too many times to count.

No woman you meet a ways down the road will fault you for that reason for divorce.

you can move forward with a clear conscience.

Her calling you weak is because she doesn't have the ability to self reflect - or she lost it.

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Haha.

Hahahaha.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

Sorry, but I just find that news about her company /assests somewhat relieving, despite this situation having absolutely nothing to do with me. I generally have no time for cheaters, and often wish they had misfortune because of their selfish actions. It seems in your case, karma bit them in the ass, and I hope that spells trouble for your (ex)wife and him.

 

Maybe this will be something they can both learn from, but I doubt it.

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don't fall for the "you are being weak" bs. abitbroken described it perfectly above - you're actually being strong. there is nothing left in that woman to "what if", believe me. she needs to get some self-awareness and retrospection first, but i doubt that's going to happen (given her current history). you've mentioned two affairs. what was the first one? i don't remember you mentioning it before.

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You find out quickly what you're made of in the face of a volatile divorce.

You will look back on this with some pride and self satisfaction from handling your part the best way possible.

In a good and twisted and way you will be forever changed.

Unfortunately the best lessons are often the most painful.

I admire the fact you didnt commiserate with the wife. I think most would be tempted. But you are on a straight path and neither needed the validation or unnecessary drama.

Good for you.

Mission Impossible was great, wasn't it??

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Sorry everyone, had a power outage in my neighborhood.

 

SBTX left another letter on my door, OM is furious about being fired, said she hopes I'm happy now that I ruined his life and his marriage. She also wanted me to know that she lied about OM giving her back the watch she gave him, she told him to keep it. Her therapist told her that her behavior towards me is not healthy so she needs to let me go, she finished the letter by telling me if I cared anything about her I should at least find it in my heart to let her have the photo album with all the pictures from our wedding.

 

I threw the letter in the trash.

 

@sky09 = she confessed to an emotional affair with a different guy at work, OM fired him.

 

@reinventmyself = Yes, Mission Impossible was an awesome movie!

 

@journeynow = don't sweat it, no harm no foul, I think you rock, your advice and insight are always so helpful!

 

@LightWave93 = LOL!!! :D I would have paid money to be a fly on the wall when they fired him!

 

@abitbroken = Thank you for all your awesome encouragement!

 

@Honeycomb8 = I love what you said about courage and fear, that really touched my heart, thank you!

 

@SherrySher = only a chapter not a sentence (wrote this on a post it note and put on my frig)

 

@DissyLu = sometimes it's harder to let go than it is to hold on (another post it note on the frig - thanks!)

 

@Jilbrata = I agree, doing my best to get through each day drama free!

 

@DancingFool = I still can't figure out if she's bluffing or not about finding this forum.

 

@ShellyF62 = cheaters feel entitled? HA! That sounds like a title for a book my stbx could write!

 

@boltnrun = spoiled self absorbed princess - yep, that's her! (have you met my wife? :smug:)

 

@thealchemist = I agree, been trying to detach but she's not going to make it easy for me!

 

@monsterdrinker = yeah, it's tougher than anything my little finite mind could ever imagine!

 

@spunkmire = she has no end game, she's just use to getting her way and won't take no for an answer.

 

 

Hope I didn't miss anyone, if I did I apologize, I'm a little exhausted right now, power was out for a little over 2 hours, fell behind on a few work assignments, need to get back on those in the morning. My eyes are getting heavy and I'm yawning so good night all and thanks again everyone!

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YOU "ruined his life and marriage"?

 

This chick would be hilarious if she wasn't so selfishly destructive.

 

Sounds like she only admits to any wrongdoing to get sympathy, not because she truly believes she's at fault.

 

She's one in a million. And I don't mean in a good way.

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she hopes I'm happy now that I ruined his life and his marriage

This is her telling her own self off, she just doesn't realize it yet. Maybe someday, should the opportunity arise for her to repeat the scenario.

 

(Do you want to keep that letter somewhere, as evidence of stalking, if she continues coming by your place?)

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This is her telling her own self off, she just doesn't realize it yet. Maybe someday, should the opportunity arise for her to repeat the scenario.

 

(Do you want to keep that letter somewhere, as evidence of stalking, if she continues coming by your place?)

 

I'm trying hard not get a restraining order but she's so stubborn and can't seem to take a hint.

Need to call my attorney and find out what I should do.

 

I really wish she would just leave me alone.

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Wait....she said that you ruined OM's life??? Seriously? That is actually funny in a sick and twisted kind of way. Keep the letter as a reminder to yourself just how crazy and remorseless she really is, assuming it's not in the landfill yet. Next time you have a weak moment or simply need some comic relief....remember the power that you wield according to your stbx. Naturally him getting put out on the curb has absolutely noting to do with him being a cheating lying scum and getting caught by a wife who also decided to retake her life and leave him behind.

 

I've always believed in Karma, but how amazing it is to see it in action so fast.

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YOU "ruined his life and marriage"?

 

This chick would be hilarious if she wasn't so selfishly destructive.

 

Sounds like she only admits to any wrongdoing to get sympathy, not because she truly believes she's at fault.

 

She's one in a million. And I don't mean in a good way.

I was amazed at her assertion as well. I would tell her that you (and others) think its hilarious and due justice.

 

And it takes strength to walk away and mean it. I'm glad you're doing it. Stay strong keep on moving, Knightman.

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I was amazed at her assertion as well. I would tell her that you (and others) think its hilarious and due justice.

 

And it takes strength to walk away and mean it. I'm glad you're doing it. Stay strong keep on moving, Knightman.

 

Apparently she had some sort of confrontation with Mrs. OM and she thinks I am the one who told Mrs. OM about the affair and that's why she's accusing me of ruining his life and his marriage, of course she also wanted to know what else Mrs. OM and I have been up to.

 

Now that's some serious lack of self-awareness right there.

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She's learned not one thing from this. She's still "me me me".

 

Were there any signs of her extreme self centered-ness and selfishness?

 

She's always been pretty spoiled but nothing like this, this is new and over the top. This new person arrived almost right after she started working. I've been trying to stay away from going into detail about our past, but there's something else going on with her that I haven't been able to figure out and after everything that's happened I gave up trying. It's amazing how you can live with someone for so long and think you know them only to find out you really don't.

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maybe she was kidnapped replaced with her evil twin

 

LOL...

 

Hey everyone, I want to thank you all for all the incredible, heart-felt advice and support, you all have restored my faith in humanity. I didn't know what to expect when I started posting here, this has been one awesome experience for me. I had no idea the thread would grow so big and that there would be so many replies and so many wonderful people willing to help a stranger online. The counselor from my IC sessions thinks posting here is great therapy for me, but my attorney is not real crazy about the idea, so I'm gonna take a break for awhile and will update you all if there's anything new to report before our court date.

 

Thanks again for listening :)

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I just spent the afternoon reading your story and I wish I was here with you from the start. There is so much I could have added, but you had many who were also with you for the ride and shared their great advice. It's a credit to those members, to point you in the right direction.

 

I won't make this too long and take the focus away from your situation, but we shared many of the same experiences in this journey. I'm now 3 years down the road and have never been happier.

 

You made the best choice by divorcing her, unlike me. I met my ex at age 14 and kicked her out at age 40, after many affairs and one night stands.

 

You spared yourself a life of misery and the triggers you have now would be far worse if you were still with her. Like you said songs, movies, places etc... It eats at you constantly. The worst was when I found her having an affair with my best mate, when I was 22, I still felt the pain of that at 40.

 

It was awful. I put on 100lbs and wanted to die everyday. I could see her last affair was different from the rest and she wasnt going to stop. I didn't pack her suitcase, I threw all her clothes out the front door and then packed her off to her parents.

 

It took me a week to realise she had given me the biggest gift ever. The gift to be free and get a chance to have all those experiences I missed as a young single man.

 

I lost 100lbs in 4.5 months and started dating some very beautiful women both inside and out, while she got pregnant with twins at age 41 to her affair partner and now husband.

 

Maybe it is different for you as you weren't childhood sweethearts and probably had a more active dating life when you were younger. I met a great woman almost instantly and all the pain and triggers of the past left with the first kiss we shared.

 

When she had to move away and our long distance relationship failed, I decided to experience everything I could and missed out on... Casual relationships, one night stands, threesomes etc... You name it and I tried it. I was like a kid in a candy shop.

 

Eventually my age caught up with me and it was time to start looking for the love of my life and I found her 15,000 km away on the black sea coast in Russia. She was my online German teacher, but I didn't learn any German after we realise we had survived the exact same circumstances in our past marriages.

 

She's such a beautiful caring and empathetic woman, I'm so unbelievably lucky to have found her. I have to pinch myself some times..... 3 years ago I was obese, depressed and married to a serial cheater and now I'm fit, happy and dating an ex Russian model. It's like a dream.

 

One more bit of advice I'll give you is accept the OM's ex wifes offer. You may be giving up a great life long friendship. I contacted the ex wife in my situation. She discovered the affair 4 months before me and had been looking for me for 8 months when I called.

 

3 years on we have a great friendship. I would never be this far along in my healing process without her. We talk every day, party together, give each other relationship advice and a few years ago we even had a secret romance for a few months. We both decided or friendship was more important so we went back to being great friends.

 

Like you I lost my ex's family, but I gained her family and now they truly treat me as a son. Out of all the pain and misery I'm so happy my ex had an affair with her husband, as i'd never would have got the chance to meet such am amazing woman and a true friend.

 

Please if you don't take anything from this, make sure you meet the ex wife. I've talked to many people online and none have regretted it. Most have remained friends and I was even talking to a woman today on an affair recovery site who is now married to the other betrayed partner and is incredibly happy.

 

Anyway I'll stop here before it turns into a short novel and say this.... You made all the right moves and handled yourself with absolute dignity, in the face of huge adversity. I hope like me, you embrace this as a gift and a second chance to be happy. There is a wonderful woman just waiting for a guy like you to come into her life. I might take some time to find her, but you will have a hell of a lot of fun during your search...... I wish you the best of luck : )

Edited by Matt0050
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Had a bad day yesterday, STBX showed up with 2 deputies from the Sheriffs Dept. and said she wanted to retrieve the rest of her things.

 

I gave her a look like "Are you (blanking) kidding me right now?"

 

The deputies said they were just there to keep the peace and all she just wanted was a photo album and few other things that belonged to her. I just swung the door open and told her to take whatever she felt like belonged to her. Sat downstairs while she took stuff out of the bedroom, out the bathroom, even went in the kitchen and took the place mats off the table and a napkin dispenser, just petty small stuff that she left behind and never wanted until now for some strange reason. When they were leaving she turned around in the doorway and called me a "B***rd" and said "I Hate You!" I told her " Yeah, Yeah, I know, I know, that's okay, you'll love me again tomorrow". I wasn't trying to be rude and I didn't mean to close the door in her face, but I'll admit I lost my cool because I felt like she was trying humiliate me again and I wasn't in the mood.

 

I can't believe she ambushed me like that and came over here with the law, that wasn't even necessary. I've never laid a finger on her, never threatened a woman in my life. She took our wedding album, trashed our room, took me an hour to put everything back. I can't go into a lot of detail right now but I think I figured out what's REALLY going on with her. Spoke with her ex-best friend recently and I think I know why she's been acting so crazy lately, like she's on drugs or something, yeah, everything is starting to make sense now.

 

On a positive note, my IC is going great, turns out when my wife and I met, I willingly looked past her issues and decided to play the Knight in Shining Armor, thought I could rescue her. I'm an Introvert, she's an Extrovert, complete opposites. Counselor seems a bit surprised we lasted as long as we did, thinks we should have tried a legal separation or marriage counseling first before pulling the plug, he also said he was concerned about what my wife sees as a pattern of quitting, but wishes all his clients had the same strength and resolve that I have, whatever that means.

 

All in all, I think I'm making pretty good progress.

Had a little bump in the road with the SBTX but I'm ok now.

 

I'm still a little conflicted about our wedding photos. Part of me says good riddance.

But there is still a small part of me that's a little sad that she took all of them.

She didn't even bother to ask If I wanted any of them.

 

It feels like I'm being cheated on all over again.

The worst part is I can't even figure out why I even care about it.

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When all of this calms down, I bet she will contact you offering to give you back some of the photos.

 

Right now she is in revenge mode. How dare you not cater to her every single wish and whim??!! How dare you not spoil her rotten like her parents did??!! How DARE you not worship her??!!

 

But when the dust settles (and it will if you both allow it to), things usually are calmer and more reasonable.

 

I disagree with your counselor that couples therapy would have been a good idea. Couples therapy only works for those who sincerely want to change for the better. Your ex thinks YOU are the problem. She won't get any insight from marriage counseling; she'd have spent the entire time pointing her finger at you. And I also disagree that you need to concern yourself at all with how your ex views you (really, who cares???). BUT, I agree with your therapist that you are being very mature and strong about the whole situation.

 

You're upset because a part of you is still attached to the part of her that made you want to be her "Knight". You haven't yet let go of the idea that you're supposed to protect and provide for her. It will come.

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She's still pointing the finger..sigh. She will always be a problem as long as she blames the other person. I think the therapist had some nerve mentioning you quitting things.

The problem here is her.

I'm sorry but I am being as unbiased as possible and I mean that when I say you went through hell and back with her and took far more than the average person would have.

You were not the problem.

 

Why do you still want the pics? They were a piece of your history, a part of your life. It's not necessarily like you want to continue but it's also fairly harsh to want to erase it all and be hateful.

Keeping a photo of a time when things were okay is perfectly normal. It doesn't have any deeper meaning than that.

 

She is still acting out like a petulant child and trying to cause drama and to make people feel sorry for her. Once again proving where fault lies.

 

I am sorry you have to keep going through these kinds of scenarios. All I can tell you is you have a lot of support here and we are still cheering you on.

You are not alone and we are standing behind you.

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knight,

 

It is getting close to the end and her power over you is on it's death bed and she knows it. Reality has come knocking at her door and she is scared to death. No matter how many times she blows up at you, tells herself it was all your fault or even shows up at your place with the sheriff reality will always be waiting for her. When she is all alone sitting silently the truth will creep into her thoughts and she can either accept it or it will turn into anger because her fantasy life with her bf is anything but a fantasy. Who can she blame other than herself? Yes it will be you. I went through some of the same stuff when the wheels fell off my ex's fantasy but it does get better and I promise you your life without her in it will feel like the world has been lifted off your shoulders.

 

Hopefully she will find a new victim to bother but either way how you take in these interactions with her is the most important.

 

Should it bother you that she showed up with the sheriff? Yes it should because you are human but you need to just as fast let that emotion go because it isn't about you, it is about her and her issues. Her taking the pictures is actually a blessing. Mine are all boxed up and are waiting for my son to want them if he choses. I have no desire to display them or look through them because no good will come from it. Making new memories is my main focus as I live a happy and fulfilling life. That my friend is the best medicine and revenge if you are so inclined.

 

I wish I could have told you how this would end when you first started posting but you wouldn't have believed the woman you loved so dearly was capable of what I would have said. You really need to live it to believe it.

 

As this chapter of your life comes to an end you might think the hard part is over and in a way it is but there is much work to be done. Moving away from all this dysfunction and carving out a truly happy life does not happen by itself. What are your plans for the coming year?

 

You have done well and I once again applaud the way you have handled yourself, this will allow you to go forward with few if any regrets haunting you.

 

Good luck and keep posting as you can now help others that find themselves in similar circumstances.

 

Lost

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knight,

 

It is getting close to the end and her power over you is on it's death bed and she knows it. Reality has come knocking at her door and she is scared to death. No matter how many times she blows up at you, tells herself it was all your fault or even shows up at your place with the sheriff reality will always be waiting for her. When she is all alone sitting silently the truth will creep into her thoughts and she can either accept it or it will turn into anger because her fantasy life with her bf is anything but a fantasy. Who can she blame other than herself? Yes it will be you. I went through some of the same stuff when the wheels fell off my ex's fantasy but it does get better and I promise you your life without her in it will feel like the world has been lifted off your shoulders.

 

Hopefully she will find a new victim to bother but either way how you take in these interactions with her is the most important.

 

Should it bother you that she showed up with the sheriff? Yes it should because you are human but you need to just as fast let that emotion go because it isn't about you, it is about her and her issues. Her taking the pictures is actually a blessing. Mine are all boxed up and are waiting for my son to want them if he choses. I have no desire to display them or look through them because no good will come from it. Making new memories is my main focus as I live a happy and fulfilling life. That my friend is the best medicine and revenge if you are so inclined.

 

I wish I could have told you how this would end when you first started posting but you wouldn't have believed the woman you loved so dearly was capable of what I would have said. You really need to live it to believe it.

 

As this chapter of your life comes to an end you might think the hard part is over and in a way it is but there is much work to be done. Moving away from all this dysfunction and carving out a truly happy life does not happen by itself. What are your plans for the coming year?

 

You have done well and I once again applaud the way you have handled yourself, this will allow you to go forward with few if any regrets haunting you.

 

Good luck and keep posting as you can now help others that find themselves in similar circumstances.

 

Lost

 

Thanks for this, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You're right, I would have never believed you or anyone else if they told me she was capable of doing any of this. My buddy tried to warn me and I told him he was crazy. It hurt like hell when she told me she hated me, she should have just stabbed me in the heart. It felt like someone took a sledgehammer and nailed me in the chest. I almost couldn't breathe for a second, she's said a few nasty things over the years, but as long as I've known her she's never told me she hated me. I knew the moment she said it, it was over between us, there's no going back. But just as quickly as I felt that way the feeling left. I'm over it. I've learned to just tell myself "Don't let it get to you, stand your ground, this isn't the woman you married, you didn't do this, she did"

 

I plan to keep myself busy with work and I've got some great friends who check on me all the time and make sure I don't sit around the house all week. Been working out a lot lately too and I'm really starting to see the difference. Got a new diet and I've lost about 25 lbs since this all started and I feel great. I'm taking a self-healing program and even have myself set up on a calendar and an alarm clock to make sure I take time out of each day for me. The problem is I keep trying to move forward and put all this behind me, I take 3 steps forward and she comes along and it feels like I've been knocked 5 steps backwards. I've done everything to try and detach from her short of a restraining order, but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

As crazy as it sounds crazy I still love her, even after all of this. I can't be mean and vindictive to her, it's just not in me, I have no desire to hurt her. I really want her to keep getting the help she needs and get better, this is not like her, there's something else going on with her, yes she's always been a little spoiled brat, but it was nothing like this, something changed in her when she took that job and I'm just hoping her parents can help her find a solution. I know what she's up to, I have always given into her when she throws a tantrum and she thinks all this huffing and puffing will cause me to come to my senses and she's just waiting for me to call the whole thing off.

 

Not gonna happen.

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