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My Wife and Her New Boss


KnightMan

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KnightMan,

 

I've just spent the hour reading through most of this thread. I'm late, and there's been enough said here to keep you going and I am very glad that members have been around to support you, so for starters...thank you to the community. I've subscribed so I can also provide support from now on.

 

For what it's worth, I cried reading this thread. I also felt sick, and felt pain. I cannot even begin to comprehend how you must feel. I suspect some days that my first partner cheated, there were certainly some of the more common signs involved, but as much as I would want an answer, I dread to think of the experience of emotions that would come with it. I am so, so, so sorry that you are going through this, and I really hope that life will begin again for you in due course.

 

Your wife...I have a few choice words, but I won't. I commend her for seeking therapy, and for coming clean, but that's it. Her behavior has been reprehensible and it saddens me there are people like that in this world.

 

My heart goes out to you. It really does.

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It really is. My dad cheated on my mom for their whole marriage (18 years!). I was a little kid and nobody told me what was going on, but I still knew. When my parents separated, my mom started dating an old flame. My dad was incensed by this and resorted to all sorts of trickery to get my sister and I to divulge information about the relationship. Then he called my mom's boyfriend's stbx wife and told her that her stbx husband was dating my mother. The two of them caused so many problems for our family. My parents' divorce was extremely acrimonious and it lasted for four years. I was 8 when it started and 12 when it ended!

 

People are stupid.

 

Im so sorry this happened to you.

It blows my mind how self centred they are, and dont care about the damage they cause their partner & children.

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Knightman,

 

I just read through this whole thread and I'm stunned. What agony you've been through. You sound like such a good guy too. Kind and strong. A catch. I'm so very sorry you had to go through this.

 

You sometimes post saying she's taking accountability and being cooperative, you start to believe again that there's a good person in there somewhere but she proves you wrong every time. Her nasty side always rears it's ugly head. Please, please think about seizing all direct contact with her (block her everywhere). It's not healthy for you to expose yourself to her toxicity anymore, and there's really no need. If she needs to contact you, she can do so through your attorneys.

 

You're doing an amazing job at healing after such a traumatic situation. I think you'll find once you cut off all direct contact with her, you'll heal more completely and more quickly. It will feel so good to finally put her in the rear view mirror.

 

My ex cheated on me for our entire 2.5 year relationship (small potatoes compared to your situation, I know) and I had no idea. But when I did break up with him and stopped all communication, I can't tell you how relieved I felt. I felt like I could finally breathe. Like I could finally see clearly knowing I never had to see him or speak to him again.

 

I truly wish you all the best KnightMan. You've handled yourself so well through this whole ordeal. Any woman would be very lucky to have you, when the time comes. For now, stop all direct communication and continue to heal :smug:

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Im so sorry this happened to you.

It blows my mind how self centred they are, and dont care about the damage they cause their partner & children.

 

No, they don't care. People just lose their minds and stupidity takes over. Then they spend the rest of their lives pretending it didn't happen the way that it did. Hopefully Knightman and his wife can keep things civil and they don't go down the path of stupidity. It's not worth it.

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^ That's a very accurate way of looking at it.

 

 

My parents were married for 30 years, and never had a good marriage. They used to fight everyday and my dad definitely had a lot of explosive anger and control issues. My mother was not without fault herself but in the end before they separated, my mother met a man and had an affair.

 

 

It's been two years? She's no longer with him but still denies and doesn't acknowledge the aftermath or series of events that lead to things coming undone.

 

Denial and rationalisation keeps them safe I guess.

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I'm glad you are holding up well.

 

I hope she does read it. She is a fatally selfish and spoiled woman. It would be good for her to hear what everyone thinks about the situation.

 

Someone of your quality really shouldn't waste anymore time that minimally necessary with someone of her's.

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Thanks everyone for all the support and well wishes, you have no idea how much it means to me to read your heart felt responses and how some of you have been so deeply moved by all this, I'm overwhelmed and speechless, you all give me so much hope. I don't have time to respond to every comment but please know that I read all of them and I appreciate each and every one of them, it's like taking a little cyber pill that helps me heal more than you can imagine.

 

Her dad came over last night and we had a nice long talk, he's heartbroken that things didn't work out, but he understands. He kept apologizing for the way his daughter treated me. I told him it wasn't their fault and it wasn't all her fault either, I made my share of mistakes in this marriage too but I was always loyal, I had plenty of opportunities to stray, but I never cheated on her. I'm going to miss her parents, they're good people, but we all agree it's not a good idea for us to stay in contact. I saw a lot of pain and regret in his eyes too, but I told him they shouldn't blame themselves, she's a big girl and we're all adults and responsible for the choices we make, she took a gamble and she lost, she knew what she was doing.

 

Some of you might see this as weak, but when he left, all these emotions just came over me, it was like I was just suddenly overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I sat down, put my hands over my face and just starting wailing, crying like I just got the news that somebody I love just died. I started questioning myself, did I do the right thing?, did I move too fast on the divorce?, what if I had tried harder?, what if we had gone to marriage counseling?, what did I do that was so bad?, why did she do this to us?, why wasn't I good enough for her?, what could I have done to stop this before it started?, why didn't she just talk to me?, why do I still love her?, what about our wedding vows?, what if she died from all those pills?, why can't I just be done with all this? I thought I was finished with all this crying nonsense but I sat there for like a good fifteen minutes until I couldn't cry anymore, I just let it all out, I must have really been needing that because when I was done it felt like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.

 

It was as if saying goodbye to her dad made me realize that I had finally accepted the truth that the woman I met and fell in love with is gone, I don't know who this other person is, our marriage is over, all our hopes and dreams, all our plans, everything gone. How could I have been so stupid and naive? I still can't believe all this happened right under my nose. I stood by her bedside when she was in the hospital, told her how proud I was of her that she was finally taking responsibility for her actions and getting the help she needed, come to find out it was all a ruse. I finally said to myself "Get off your butt Knightman, stop feeling sorry for yourself, get yourself together, you're not dying, you're getting divorced, it's not the end of the world, it is what it is, she did what she did, you gave her a chance and it didn't work out, it happens, sure you made some mistakes but you didn't make her cheat on you, you're not perfect but you're a good man, you're heart is in the right place and maybe someday, when the time is right, you'll find someone new who will treat you the way you deserve".

 

The triggers are going away slowly, I just try to focus on something else. The biggest one is our bedroom, I still keep a few of my things in there, but I can't bring myself to sleep in there anymore, been sleeping on the couch and its actually pretty comfortable. BTW, before I forget, of course, like clockwork, I got another text message from you know who late last night, more apologies, more I love you's, (I swear I can set my watch to this woman) I sent a reply

 

"don't contact me anymore"

 

put the phone down then said to myself "to hell with this",

picked the phone back up and blocked her number, went in the kitchen and made myself a sandwich.

 

I read somewhere that you teach people how you want to be treated.

 

Yeah, I'm good, I'm going to be just fine.

 

Thanks for listening

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Honestly, you are not weak. You are a very upstanding man for separating your ex's choices from her parents. You are losing part of your family too, and its okay to mourn the loss of the relationship with her parents - they took you as their son, afterall. Its a much better situation than if her family just become one angry in denial mob where you were the root of evil. You left on good terms with no ill will towards eachother (you + her parents). It speaks to your character and the parents' characters. I think this was good closure and crying was just a release to let things out. Divorce IS like a death in a way and you will experience more mourning and more ups and downs. But you are on your way towards healing.

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A divorce transpires in layers. Some good byes are swift and some aren't.

There is not way to forecast everything that is about to change and the people you have to say good bye too.

 

I remember the moment when I realized I would lose my ex's family. 8 brothers and sisters total, combined with spouses, nieces and nephews. It felt like a kick in the gut. But at that point there was no turning back. I grieved that loss too. His family was very supportive of me and I do see them once in a while. But it is his family. . . not mine.

 

There is just no way to prepare for it. It comes in waves.

 

No, you aren't weak.

If you don't grieve and acknowledge all the losses, then you should be concerned.

Seconding guessing yourself is just part of the painful process.

 

I'm glad you blocked her. You don't need that in your ear right now.

Hang in there.

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So proud of you for blocking her KnightMan! Now you won't be set back when you hear from her. This was a very smart move!

 

I can't imagine how hard that must have been. That along with saying goodbye to her Dad. The chapter is closing, it's normal for you to grieve. This is a big loss.

 

The good thing is, the silver lining, closing this chapter means you are putting this horrible nightmare behind you piece by piece. And the best thing about it is you are opening up another door that will be so much brighter than the one before. I heard once, "sometimes it's harder to let go than it is to hold on". I think that's true on some cases. But the truth is you were holding onto hurt, disillusionment and pain. Letting that go, as the days pass, is going to feel so good.

 

Wishing you the best, as always :smug:

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Hi knightman, I'm almost a year out and I empathise with You, it's just so tough at times right?

It's right what another user said about divorce being layers and waves. You said before that you could never take her back but it's the finality of it that causes much emotional distress, I know trust me. Your doing well, keep it up but expect bad days and remember things will not stay like this forever.

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you're handling it like a boss, KM. i don't think i've ever seen another thread on here (during my time here) where a man handled himself so well. you need to rebuild yourself and truly find out who "you" are before you even think about getting with somebody else. who knows, maybe being single is not such a bad thing, after all. i sure am enjoying my time :) (my story is somewhat similar to yours, but i def. didn't handle myself nearly as well as you are right now)

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Great Update:

 

Got a call yesterday from a strange number, almost didn't answer it, but I'm glad I did. It was the OM's wife, she apologized for not contacting me sooner and said "we've never officially met, but I know all about you Mr. Knightman, I just called to let you know that my husband and your wife are STILL seeing each other and I the evidence to prove it". The OM and his wife are still married but have been separated and living apart for over a year, but they've been trying to reconcile for the past couple of months.

 

She found out about the affair about a month after my wife started working for the company and she kicked him out, gave him another chance but found out they were still seeing each other and threatened to divorce him if he didn't get rid of her, she said my wife only resigned because she was about to be fired, she told him if she found out they were still in contact while they were trying to reconcile he would be hearing from her lawyers. She started to get suspicious again and eventually did her own investigation and uncovered the truth, they were still in contact, they never really stopped, the only time they went silent is when she was in the hospital, but she ran right back to him and called him again only a week after her recovery started from home.

 

Makes sense, it only took him a week to get her into his bed and only took her a week to get out of her own bed and go running back to him

 

She told me she kicked him out (again) and this time filed for divorce, she wanted to know if I would like to meet and compare notes. I told her My STBX was in the hospital because she recently tried to take her own life, I appreciate the offer but I'm exhausted from all this drama, I'm going thru my own divorce and I just want to put all this behind me and move on, besides I think I have all the evidence I need. She didn't say anything for a few seconds then told me she was sorry about what happened to my STBX, she knew my wife had some sort of breakdown, she knows about our upcoming divorce, she even knows about the watch.

 

(this lady has definitely done her homework)

 

She was very polite and told me if I ever change my mind she would like to show me a few things I probably have no knowledge of and might like to know. I said I appreciate the offer but no thanks, wished her luck and told her to be careful and watch out for his company attorneys, then she starts laughing hysterically, I asked her what was so funny and she tells me it's not HIS company, he didn't inherit anything, she inherited the company from HER father, it's HER company, HER money, HER house, everything is HERS!!!! - (hahahaha!!!). They've already called an emergency meeting of the board of directors and have HIS "resign or be fired" letter already typed up. After we hung up I laughed so hard my insides started to hurt.

 

She reminds me a lot of myself, very analytical and very prepared, I think she saw the writing on the wall, she was calm and collected and seems to be handling everything pretty well. I'm still not sure what to do about all this, I don't wish bad on anyone, but I can't help but think it's sort of like poetic justice, we reap what we sow...

 

you know, one of those circle of life kind of things? (LOL)

 

Honestly? I really don't care at this point, the only thing on my mind right now is that my buddy is on his way over here tonight because we have two tickets to go see the new Mission Impossible movie and I'm sure he'll want to know why I have this big fat grin on my face when he gets here.

 

Thanks again everyone! Have a great weekend!

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Great Update:

 

Got a call yesterday from a strange number, almost didn't answer it, but I'm glad I did. It was the OM's wife, she apologized for not contacting me sooner and said "we've never officially met, but I know all about you Mr. Knightman, I just called to let you know that my husband and your wife are STILL seeing each other and I the evidence to prove it". The OM and his wife are still married but have been separated and living apart for over a year, but they've been trying to reconcile for the past couple of months.

 

She found out about the affair about a month after my wife started working for the company and she kicked him out, gave him another chance but found out they were still seeing each other and threatened to divorce him if he didn't get rid of her, she said my wife only resigned because she was about to be fired, she told him if she found out they were still in contact while they were trying to reconcile he would be hearing from her lawyers. She started to get suspicious again and eventually did her own investigation and uncovered the truth, they were still in contact, they never really stopped, the only time they went silent is when she was in the hospital, but she ran right back to him and called him again only a week after her recovery started from home.

 

Makes sense, it only took him a week to get her into his bed and only took her a week to get out of her own bed and go running back to him

 

She told me she kicked him out (again) and this time filed for divorce, she wanted to know if I would like to meet and compare notes. I told her My STBX was in the hospital because she recently tried to take her own life, I appreciate the offer but I'm exhausted from all this drama, I'm going thru my own divorce and I just want to put all this behind me and move on, besides I think I have all the evidence I need. She didn't say anything for a few seconds then told me she was sorry about what happened to my STBX, she knew my wife had some sort of breakdown, she knows about our upcoming divorce, she even knows about the watch.

 

(this lady has definitely done her homework)

 

She was very polite and told me if I ever change my mind she would like to show me a few things I probably have no knowledge of and might like to know. I said I appreciate the offer but no thanks, wished her luck and told her to be careful and watch out for his company attorneys, then she starts laughing hysterically, I asked her what was so funny and she tells me it's not HIS company, he didn't inherit anything, she inherited the company from HER father, it's HER company, HER money, HER house, everything is HERS!!!! - (hahahaha!!!). They've already called an emergency meeting of the board of directors and have HIS "resign or be fired" letter already typed up. After we hung up I laughed so hard my insides started to hurt.

 

She reminds me a lot of myself, very analytical and very prepared, I think she saw the writing on the wall, she was calm and collected and seems to be handling everything pretty well. I'm still not sure what to do about all this, I don't wish bad on anyone, but I can't help but think it's sort of like poetic justice, we reap what we sow...

 

you know, one of those circle of life kind of things? (LOL)

 

Honestly? I really don't care at this point, the only thing on my mind right now is that my buddy is on his way over here tonight because we have two tickets to go see the new Mission Impossible movie and I'm sure he'll want to know why I have this big fat grin on my face when he gets here.

 

Thanks again everyone! Have a great weekend!

 

 

I have to be honest..I had a feeling that she was doing that. There is something about most cheaters that they never learn their lesson...no matter what. Partly (I think) is because cheating is one of the aspects of their personality. They are sociopaths and have no boundaries. Stay away, just move on , meet someone new (or not) and live your life. There is nothing for you in that woman...like nothing at all.

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Had a great time at the movies last night, woke up this morning and started reading a few of your responses and I just want to set the record straight (again). Although I appreciate your kind words I want you all to know that I'm not some all knowing, all wise, courageous guy, making all the right choices, at least that's not how I feel. If I really knew what to do in every situation how in the world did I make such a poor choice for a marriage partner?

 

My wife thinks I'm a weak coward who quits when things get rough. I was the quiet one in my family. I grew up in a house with lots of arguing and fighting. When tempers started to flair I would just go somewhere and hide and wait until it was over. I'm a very non-confrontational person, over the years whenever my wife and I would argue, I would just walk away and give her the silent treatment. I always gave into her and let her have her way, that's one of my many failures as a husband in this marriage and I take full responsibility for it.

 

I put on a brave front but I second guess myself all the time. I pretend it doesn't bother me but the truth is I'm still haunted by the images of her in that hospital bed and I keep thinking what if? I know she did this to herself but I have to live with that feeling of what if for the rest of my life and that's a hell of a thing to carry around with you and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

Walking away from my marriage so quickly may seem like an awesome thing to some of you, but to her it's just another example of me running away and sometimes part of me thinks she's right. I just don't see how we can recover from all this. She's had 2 affairs that I know of, in time I might be able to forgive her, but it's all the lies that bother me the most. I had a feeling they were still in contact but I just don't care anymore, that's why I have no desire to meet with the OM's wife, because I don't want to know more, I just want this all to be done and over with.

 

I may sound like I have it all together sometimes but most of the time I don't have a clue if I'm doing the right thing or not.

I'm just a guy trying to get the bleeding in my heart to stop and doing what I always do when faced with something like this, walk away.

 

p.s. I doubt if the OM ends up in the poor house, I'm just glad he's not getting off scott free.

Now he knows how I feel and it's about time somebody wiped that stupid smirk off his face.

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it's just another example of me running away

 

You're not seeing it from the right end. You're not running away and you didn't in the past either. You are protecting your mind and your heart. It is not a cowardly thing to not want to be involved in drama and upset and after all, you're the only one who can protect yourself.

 

She has betrayed you, twice. You're a smart man for doing anything and everything you can to get away from it and to save yourself from more pain.

She will not change no matter how hard you wish it or how much she tries to lie that she will.

You have found out even more lies she's told, it won't end.

 

Sometimes we don't know what we are doing, sometime the bravest thing we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward and keep breathing.

I know it feels overwhelming at the moment but it will pass. It will take time, but it will pass.

Please believe that.

One day you will look back and you will see that this was only a chapter in your life and not a life sentence.

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When I said you are choosing your path with care and wisdom, I didn't mean you are all-knowing or doubt-free. Not at all. Your feelings and questions and any confusion make sense in this situation. I don't see you running away from your feelings or quitting too easily. You feel deeply and and question your part AND are choosing your path one step at a time, with respect to yourself.

 

Over the years from eNA I've come to see the value of giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. When you don't know who to trust, yourself or the other person, when the two are not in alignment, choosing to trust yourself seems the wiser path, where you gain the most in self-knowledge.

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I think you're handling it amazingly. No one is invincible and we arent thinking that, but I think you possess such courage.

Afterall, courage isn't absence of fear, but the ability to feel the fear and despite it, still be able to do it anyway.

 

Keep looking forwards. Don't date, give it at least another 7 or 8 months. Your heart and mindset will thank you.

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