Old timer Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hello everyone , I'm new to this forum . Found it while research online about unhappy marriage. I'm married 27 years, with grownup kids still live at home, and a good husband that I know loves me but doesn't do too much efforts to show it. He wasn't like this always, (of course time passes and takes away the good stuff with it ) but I somehow managed to live the day. I've come to a state now where I'm not sure I'm in the right place. I am not sure it will be wise to spend another 27 years just to realize I've waisted my life. My husband is a good guy, he really is, but he doesn't know how to make a woman feels good, he doesn't show apprecitation , he doesn't care if I'm sad or worried, he won't bother to dig in and find the cause for my sadness, let alone fixing problems. He can see I'm unhappy , sad , even for days , but he won't stop and ask why. He goes by "time will heal, nothing to do about it". He likes hiding problems under the carpet, if you don't see them ,they don't exist. Every time we had bumps in our marriage , it was always me to bring it up and find solutions. Never he tried . And if I'm not bringing it up , then it will never be spoken. That's how we got here. I can't take it anymore and I just gave up in away. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. We live our life today as 2 roommstes, we take care of the house, we speak as usual, it's both of us together but everyone lives his life. We moved from active sex life to sexless life , I feel the distance between us grew so much that the no return point is very close for me. I don't think he feels or think the same, he thinks everything is OK but senses that something went wrong just because of the sexless life. And still he won't care enough to do anything about it. Time will heal... I'm not sure if I stay with him because I don't want to hurt my kids ( we have no family , just us, so this will hurt them hard), and to not leave my comfort zone, or because I love him. I truly don't know , but I do know that I feel sorry for him (he has no family at all, no parents, no siblings)and don't feel comfortable to hurt him. I care about him, but I don't feel I'm in love anymore, I maybe love him, but definitely not in love. He hurt me so many times, with his silence , with his weird ways of ignoring alarm points, with his careless behaviour, that I am in a position now when I feel great distance between us, very angry and upset, very frustrated from him, very disappointed , and most of all feel alone. I cry myself every night in bed, it's my time of running away , and then in the morning another day to fight with my dilemma . I'd love to take a therapist for marriage but it's an out of the question option for us due to technical reasons, location, money, too much involvement of the kids in our life, and alike. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated , from both sexes. Thank you . Link to comment
Mari Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated , from both sexes. Thank you . You need to talk to a therapist. Divorces are more expensive than therapists and it sounds like you need one. They have online skype ones too that just talk to you in your house. Good luck. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I'd love to take a therapist for marriage but it's an out of the question option for us due to technical reasons, location, money, too much involvement of the kids in our life, and alike. . Towards the end of my failing marriage, my ex h would have had the same arguments for not going to marriage counseling. Funny how if you two decided you wanted a new couch, you'd find a way to finance it, but when it comes to counseling people can come up with craziest excuses. Those excuses are made out fear. They are not born from the practical reasons you just listed. If you wanted it, you'd make it happen. Period. Just so you are aware, marriage counseling is much cheaper and a hell of lot more convenient then the financial and emotional cost of a divorce. I personally can't think of a better investment. Take out a loan on the house if you have to. Because if you aren't careful it will be on market and no one will have it. It's no wonder you feel the way you do. There is zero emotional or physical intimacy in your marriage. You two are disconnected. Your marriage is technically dead at this moment in time. It's no way to live. I would give him an ultimatum if it were me. We either do whatever it takes to fix it, start splitting the sheets or carry on like nothings happening like we have been. I would think the 3rd choice is out for you, seeing that's turned into a rather soul killing experience. I personally have never been so lonely in my life then when I was married. So I totally understand. It's time to get off the sidelines and get into the game. Link to comment
Old timer Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 Mari, thank you for the reply. I'm the one who want the therapist , he doesn't even know about it...but it's out of the question unfortunately . And it's not an excuse . We live in a rural place, 5 hours drive to nearest town, no cell reception , Internet not strong enough for skype, the calls cut off every few seconds, and don't own a housr, we live in rv. On top, we all live together, so no way my kids won't know about it and I don't want to involve them. So unfortunately therapist is not an option. From a male point of view , would you mind sharing with me , what do you think I should do , how should I act, and how can I show him I'm on the edge, and if he won't step up , he'll lose me forever. Maybe as a man you can help me out to understand how he feels. Any input, is welcome. Thank you Link to comment
Old timer Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 Thank you reinventmyself, I thought of giving this ultimatum, but I don't know how to do that so he'll get it that he is very close to lose me forever, and on top, I don't know how to return the spark of the "in-love" back . Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 , he doesn't care if I'm sad or worried, he won't bother to dig in and find the cause for my sadness, let alone fixing problems. He can see I'm unhappy , sad , even for days , but he won't stop and ask why. He goes by "time will heal, nothing to do about it". It depends on what you are sad about. If someone has died -- there really isn't much you can do about it except let time pass. it takes time. I think you should rely on female friends or an actual counselor when you are sad. You knew when you married your husband, he was not one to talk about feelings. Why not simply try to date your husband? It may make a big difference instead of always telling him what's wrong -- start creating things that are right. If he tries to look at the bright side and thinks sadness just takes time to get over, then why not surprise you husband and actually want to go on a date? if you are two people who coexist, one person has to make the first move - not a dreaded "relationship talk" - that doesn't fix things most of the time. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I would give him an ultimatum if it were me. We either do whatever it takes to fix it, The problem is that the "thing to fix" has to be concrete. It can't be vague, like feeling a certain way or something that isn't concrete. A lot of men are task oriented and it will work to ask him to participate in a task, but it does not work to say 'i want to feel more ofx" If you are worried that "everyone will know" when it comes to counseling - do it anyways - you have a choice of losing your marriage - and obviously everyone will know -- or taking a risk and going to counseling - where not everyone might know but you could save your marriage. You don't have to wait for him to go to counseling - you need to be happy with yourself first. I find it hard to believe that there are no counselors closer than 5 hours. There must be a church in the community that can give you a referral or there must be a medical facility. Even people i know that live on the outskirts and homestead - there is a store, medical care, closer than that. If you see a counselor in person, you can maybe then have phone appointments. Is there any other reason to go five hours to town - like a shopping trip, visiting a friend, to cluster with it so you will get over your fear of it being so obvious? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I don't understand the shame in going to counseling. It's one the bravest things you will ever do. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I don't understand the shame in going to counseling. It's one the bravest things you will ever do. Agree. If one of your problems is you feel isolated -- then maybe see if the idea of moving close to the city is something he would be open to. btw, when you say an RV -- do you mean a modular home or do you actually mean, like a Winnebago or something like that? If you live in an actual RV and can drive it anywhere -- what's keeping you 5 hours from town. There has to be a town closer because obviously you are able to get gas and food. There IS a counselor between you and 5 hours away Link to comment
Old timer Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 Thank you all, but it's not shame, it's not anything. It's just not an option for us now. I believe it might help, but it's not an option now what so ever. There is a church here , and a store, but that doesn't mean there's a therapist in them...community of 15 people...I'm looking to find ways to cope between us due to limitations. We can't go to therapist... Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 we live in rv. On top, we all live together, so no way my kids won't know about it Well, that would explain why sex has gone by the wayside. Can you talk to a clergyman about what you're currently feeling if you can't get yourselves to a psychologist? Do you really think that your grown children don't know how you're feeling and how down the tubes your marriage has gone, Oldtimer? You're practically living in one another's laps so I'm sure they see the sadness in you and the apathy in your husband. If you were to leave him, where would you go? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Well, that would explain why sex has gone by the wayside. Can you talk to a clergyman about what you're currently feeling if you can't get yourselves to a psychologist? Do you really think that your grown children don't know how you're feeling and how down the tubes your marriage has gone, Oldtimer? You're practically living in one another's laps so I'm sure they see the sadness in you and the apathy in your husband. If you were to leave him, where would you go? People move because someone is diagnosed with a chronic illness and they need to move nearer to a specialized hospital to keep the family together - even out of state. Your marriage is sick - or at least that is how you perceive it -- isn't it an equal emergency. If your adult children are also living with you - i can understand some of your husband's feelings of just pushing through and also just being a co-chore doer and not having an romance. What about launching your kids into the world or making them do so at this point? I bet not having them as roommates and dependents would help the spark... Maybe its time to leave the town of 15 people....... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 First off, do you two have any privacy? Link to comment
Old timer Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 Yes we do have our bedroom in the rv. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Why are your kids there? Why can't you move closer to a larger town? Link to comment
semaj281 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I have first hand experience with online counseling, and it doesn't always have to be video chat. I was talking to a therapist through https://www.regain.us/ and although it was expensive I thought it brought more value than seeing someone at an office. For starters you can send a message to your therapist at your convenience and there is no need to commit to an appointment or drive somewhere. Your therapist will respond twice a day (mine responded morning and evening) until your subscription expires. The bad part is the cost. It was $235 a month for me, but I got more out of this than talking to someone in person. And as others have said the cost of counseling will be much cheaper than a divorce. But therapy will not be effective if he is not committed to positive change. He has to open his heart and choose to listen to your needs instead of putting up his defenses or believing the problems do not exist. Do you think he is capable of doing this, and if so is there anything you can do to help him see things from your perspective? Link to comment
Mari Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Mari, thank you for the reply. I'm the one who want the therapist , he doesn't even know about it...but it's out of the question unfortunately . And it's not an excuse . We live in a rural place, 5 hours drive to nearest town, no cell reception , Internet not strong enough for skype, the calls cut off every few seconds, and don't own a housr, we live in rv. On top, we all live together, so no way my kids won't know about it and I don't want to involve them. So unfortunately therapist is not an option. From a male point of view , would you mind sharing with me , what do you think I should do , how should I act, and how can I show him I'm on the edge, and if he won't step up , he'll lose me forever. Maybe as a man you can help me out to understand how he feels. Any input, is welcome. Thank you I guess if this forum is all you have then I could offer some advice but I'm just an amateur. There are other free online sources like this one that could help you: http://www.alturtle.com/archives/1147 You could learn from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman and avoid these four: Gottman's theory states that there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive and thus are the four predictors to a divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Among these four, Gottman considers contempt the most important of them all.[25] Or read the "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" book. Other than that I recommend honest communication. Regardless of his performance level you're going to have to tell him what works for you and have him do it in the bedroom. Some guys need to be told what's necessary, even though the girl they're with likes the guy to do it out of his own free will. This dynamic leads to problems and it may just be that he needs to be told what to do. A lot of guys don't understand emotional support. This is a nice video for it: Like the guy in the video some guys try to solve the underlying problem and miss that the girl is trying to gain understanding, not an actual fix. You could have him watch and explain what you need. I think he just needs a clear map as to what he's expected to do under circumstances in detail. And then when the circumstance comes up you have to enforce it on him again and again until he gets it. Hey, try out trial runs. Tell him what you need and then after he seems to get it, walk by him with fake crying. If he doesn't respond say you're role playing and you want him to give the specific response you outlined for him. It may take a while but I think he'll learn. Also, emphasize the seriousness. Don't say divorce but say it makes you feel unloved and unwanted. Good luck. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Thank you all, but it's not shame, it's not anything. It's just not an option for us now. I believe it might help, but it's not an option now what so ever. There is a church here , and a store, but that doesn't mean there's a therapist in them...community of 15 people...I'm looking to find ways to cope between us due to limitations. We can't go to therapist... I'd look into whether counseling through clergy at the church is an option, whether husband would be willing, and if not, I'd separate. That's not the same thing as divorce. Lots of couples use it to learn whether they'd be better off apart rather than together. I'd also meet with an attorney to learn my legal options so that I can make informed choices an behave in my own best interests. There's no magic formula to manipulate another to become the person you want, but if he's worth the investment of 27 years, it's up to you whether to make the investment in repairing the marriage. You may need to separate in order to learn this. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Yes we do have our bedroom in the rv. that's hardly private. The kids are on the other side of the wall. Intimacy is not just about having a few moments in your bed in a place with paper thin walls. Do the kids go away for weekends where you can have the whole place to yourselves? If they are adults, they need to go so you can focus on eachother. Do you go on day trips without the kids? When is the last time you actually went out on a date with your husband? Link to comment
thealchemist Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Male view here. It sounds like you are both very passive. You eventually get to the issue but he never does. I am sorry but I have a very different view of relationship dynamics. You talk about how you can get him to dig in and fix your problems. Or how to get him to work on this or that. It all sounds like these were displayed very passively. You then talk about how he seems unaware of these issues. Those two things are linked... First of all. It isn't his job to "dig" out what is bothering you with you displaying small clues that he is supposed to perceive, which he obviously doesn't. If something is bothering you, instead of trying to get him to dig out the issue, how about you explicitly tell him in a way he cannot possibly ignore. You have been together for over 27 years, yet you can't be direct and openly say what is wrong? He is obviously socially ignorant or willfully so. But you married him and if you want a shot at anything changing you need to stop being so passive. And kick your freeloading children out. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 People don't respond well to hearing things about them or their behavior that you do not like. It's a natural response to become either defensive or withdraw. They are often blinded by what they hear as a criticism. People respond better when you tell them what you want or what you like. Just something to consider. . . Link to comment
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