Jump to content

Partner keeps joining Swingers Websites....and now i think he's gay/bi and he denys it!


Skatterbunny
 Share

Recommended Posts

Okay...so my story is so twisted that I really dont have the time right now to explain it all. Basically, I KNOW I should have broken up with my partner many moons ago ...but that itself is another post entirely....so I will try keep this a short query...

 

I keep finding my partner setting up profiles on a swingers site... i discovered the first profile while looking through his email one night trying to figure out what was up with him as he had been acting very very strange and kept disappearing and yada yada. I discover also that he had been on a personals site and responded via an email to a couple that had been advertising for a third person to join them in a threesome. I confronted him eventually and he denied sending the email, accusing me of hacking his email account and sending it myself to set him up. Could have murdered him when he accused me of his putrid behavior....actually i nearly did *sigh*. The reason I stayed was we had just had a baby ...and I hoped I could get over it and thought maybe he had been sex starved due to no sex at the end of the pregnancy. What ever..im good at denial.

 

Then i discover he keeps logging onto a swingers site. I confront him...he says he was just on there looking for some friends of his that used to swing..he was cyber stalking them? But why? We are no longer friends with them who cares who they are screw ing? so i deactivated his account. Then the other day discover he has set up another one. He says he only has a profile to get on the site and look around. BUT WHAT IS HE LOOKING AROUND FOR? its a site purely for sexual meetups. And if you were setting up a fake profile ...why would you use your real info on the profile like height weight age birthday sexual interests etc? If it was a fake profile you would fill out bull yeah? A fake person? The thing that worries me is in this profile in the what are you looking for comment box it says "I am a straight male looking for a MMF threesome". Does everyone know the difference between a MFM and a MMF threesome? If you dont, look it up. See what him worried about? Hes never said anything to me about wanting to have sexual contact with other men?? ?? And in the email he sent that couple just after i had the baby he said "its been a while since i had my last ffm threesome and ive had one mmf threesome and im keen to do it again".

 

so is my partner just experimenting ??? He insists he's straight. But straight guys dont want to get sucked off by other men do they? is this a regular thing for apparently 'straight' men to have liaisons with other men but still consider themselves straight because there was a woman involved in the sexual acts at the time? Why wont he admit to me he is bisexual?? And basically...I cant trust him. And realizing that he will never admit to what he has done or wants to do...well I dont feel I know him anymore. He knows im sexually adventurous so why hasnt he asked me for a threesome? im guessing because he wants to bang guys as well and knows i would not be ok with that. Now i feel like everyone is competition...men AND women!

 

I have to leave him dont I? I already know it....so why do i stay? I love him. Hes a wonderful partner 80% of the time. Hes helpful around the house and hes a wonderful really involved father to our 18month old daughter who ADORES him to death. I feel trapped. I feel like his life wtih me was all an act....a cover for him being gay and wanting to live as a straight man because he's too scared to ever come out. What do you guys think i can do to get him to admit it? Maybe i should get a guy to hit on him and set him up. Mean...but effective.

 

Any advice happily received....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you need to set him up. You seem to have all the evidence you need. Straight men never even consider being with other men... because they're too busy being animals with women lol, but in all seriousness he is at least bisexual If not gay. Maybe, being bi, he is going through a crisis because he never got to even feel what it is like with a man. Now that he is serious and has a child with you..

 

On the other hand, you hear many storys of gay men and women married with children coming out much later in life. How has your sex life with him been? Does he ask to sleep with you and seem eager to have sex?

 

Also, you NEED to confront him on this seriously. Not deleting profiles or buying excuses anymore. Sit down and say "Look, with all the activity online it seems like sexually you are not satisfied with me. You can talk to me about anything, we have a child together and I love you. I need to know the truth from you if you want to continue to make what we have work, you won't be judged.." and take it from there. I think approaching it calmly and accepting but firm will help him to open up better.

 

And lastly, if you just want a blunt answer. In my opinion, he is not fully satisfied by women alone. Or he'd at least be looking into being with other women, not men. I don't think that is normal. And it's really hard to make something like that work. I know you have a child though so I wish you the best and hope somehow it can be reseolved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are you serious!!!! Good parents do not do this to their families.

 

A wonderful partner does not hunt around on into internet for hook ups. What are you thinking. Shaking head.

 

I would address why YOU did not leave this sick situation long ago. Where is your self respect!!! Wake up!

 

Get some counseling and be done with this!

 

Get tested!!!

 

Lastly. YOUR PARTNER/CREEP IS CHEATING!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Would you want your daughter or sister to be involved with a man like this?

 

Straight men, DO NOT do what your partner is doing.

 

You are her role model and are showing her what is right and wrong. Make her a strong, independent woman, not someone who is so dependent on men that they will tolerate all types of abuse and garbage.

 

" If ya man has been playing up or encouraging her, walk away from him now too if you can. You deserve better!!!" This is the advice you gave another poster, and we do not even know if he is cheating, yet you continue to stay with a guy who has done it repeatedly. Does that really make sense???????? Follow your own advice!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is bothering you? The extracurricular secretive activities or that he has threesomes with other men? Stop playing cat and mouse with this. Stop reading and managing his email. Instead ask him if he uses condoms in all these extra curricular settings and if you should get tested.

he said "its been a while since i had my last ffm threesome and ive had one mmf threesome and im keen to do it again". He knows im sexually adventurous so why hasnt he asked me for a threesome?
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is bothering you? The extracurricular secretive activities or that he has threesomes with other men? Stop playing cat and mouse with this. Stop reading and managing his email. Instead ask him if he uses condoms in all these extra curricular settings and if you should get tested.

 

I seriously doubt he would tell the truth, if he accused her of setting a trap before the baby was born.

 

She should get tested and ALWAYS wear a condom. Sadly, she will probably stick around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I seriously doubt he would tell the truth, if he accused her of setting a trap before the baby was born.

 

She should get tested and ALWAYS wear a condom. Sadly, she will probably stick around.

 

 

That's an understatement. He is doing things on the sly, which is being dishonest. Blames her for his actions.

 

He continues to do so, despite knowing he has alot to lose. He doesn't appear to take any responsibility.

 

I'd be gone, asap. Baby and all.

Going forward, don't ever delete his account for him. There is nothing to be learned by that.

 

All your questions about his sexual orientation is secondary to the fact that he is trying to lead a double life, lying to you about it and putting you at risk. Add in the fact that he can't seem to help himself.

 

Don't beat yourself up for giving him a chance to turn it around but you have all the information you need to make a decision.

He absolutely cannot be trusted and he'll go as far as to blame outrageous things on you.

 

Where there is smoke, there is fire. Consider everything that you have found and then imagine the things going on that you do not have access to. I am sorry. This is a really bad place to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the above. Regardless of bi, gay, or straight. He is trying to have sexual partners behind your back. That's good enough reason to leave. Once a cheater always a cheater he can never be trusted again in my opinion. He should know better and be more committed to you, especially having a baby. I'm sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has your partner actually done anything or is this still a fantasy thing? Admittedly, sending an email is getting pretty close to doing something, but I think you need to sit down, don't start an argument, but tell him seriously that this hurts you, and that you love him, and your child loves him, and that he's endangering all of this by trying to set up threesomes. Ask him if he's bi. But like I said, don't start accusing him of this or that. This has to be a serious talk where he feels he can answer honestly and not run away from you. Tell him if he pursues this, the relationship is over.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has your partner actually done anything or is this still a fantasy thing? Admittedly, sending an email is getting pretty close to doing something, but I think you need to sit down, don't start an argument, but tell him seriously that this hurts you, and that you love him, and your child loves him, and that he's endangering all of this by trying to set up threesomes. Ask him if he's bi. But like I said, don't start accusing him of this or that. This has to be a serious talk where he feels he can answer honestly and not run away from you. Tell him if he pursues this, the relationship is over.

 

Is there much of a difference? He is actively pursuing sex outside the relationship. This constitutes cheating.

 

he also stated she tried to set him up, after she discovered the first website exchange. That's horrible. She has already discussed this with him. He's not an idiot.

 

The fact that he has increased and is being less secretive with his activity, is due to the fact that she has shown that she will tolerate cheating and disrespectful behavior.

Edited by Hollyj
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has your partner actually done anything or is this still a fantasy thing? Admittedly, sending an email is getting pretty close to doing something, but I think you need to sit down, don't start an argument, but tell him seriously that this hurts you, and that you love him, and your child loves him, and that he's endangering all of this by trying to set up threesomes. Ask him if he's bi. But like I said, don't start accusing him of this or that. This has to be a serious talk where he feels he can answer honestly and not run away from you. Tell him if he pursues this, the relationship is over.

 

That would have been solid advise the first time he did it. Now it's just a symptom of a much larger issue. Too little, too late

Edited by reinventmyself
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think i know deep down that im leaving him. I only stayed because of the baby and then because some seriously bad stuff happened in our lives and we needed each other for support. Im a very assertive person with anyone but him. Im always the one saying "BYE! Dont let the door hit you on your way out!". I just wanted this one to work..i finally took the risk to 110% be open honest and loving with a partner and truly share my life. We had a child! Im 40 he is 41.. i want another child and biologically dont have time to leave...recover from the heartbreak..find a new man and then wait til its appropriate to suggest a baby! Time is ticking. And i know he will hate me when i leave him and wont consider being friends who can have another kid together for my daughters sake ..i dont want her to grow up alone. We are both old parents ..she will need some family when we die. I am gonna try for a bub for maybe a few more weeks then tell him hes gone.

 

And i may have worded it a bit unclearly..i havent actually proven hes slept wjth anyone while wjth me...but he has made attempts thru the website once or twice but i have no proof he did do it. He says be didnt and never would. Thinks im crazy 4 even being mad abt it. Which makes me madder! Shows no respect for me! And mostly denies it one day then admits it the next then denies.it again saying im crazy and making up abt him to sabotage our relationship and threatens to get custody of our baby due to my mental health ! GOD the more i tell you guys the more i hate his gutz!! Time for him to go! Now i gotta figure out how...hes a bad narcissist who goes from sweet man to evil psycho at the flick of a switch.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not gay in a three way....

 

No, just kidding. It's pretty gay. We're not talking about a generic threeway fantasy, this is pretty specific. I'd say he's probably BI, but that isn't the biggest takaway here.

 

The big takeaway here is he clearly is into this stuff, and I do not think he will stop. And regardless of what holes he's using, he'll probably end up giving you an STD.

 

And, he's lying about it. It's one thing to propose something, quite another to keep going at it behind your back. He's a bigtime liar. Would be a dealbreaker for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I swear your post gave me the chills..was like you read my mind. I have said nearly word for word to him what u wrote in attempts to speak about it and resolve the problems if possible or split up if not....but he FREAKS OUT. Just blatently denys any of it. Starts screaming about.me and.all the things he hates to deflect the fight onto another topic. I dont fall for it..i calmly say we have to deal with the topic i have first. It usually ends with him packing his bags and staying at a friends for a week then he comes home again and says sorry and acts like nothing ever happened. He just will not admit it

Not even to himself. Its sad. But i cant stay here torturing my broken heart trying to make a man love me who obviously doesnt. Being.a single parent will suck so bad! But its better than living a lie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will tell you a short versioned story of my ex coworker.

She met a guy on line.

Fell in love.

Got pregnant.

Married and moved in together.

His behavior was suspect. Outside sales, unaccountability.

She tracked his whereabouts with his phone account

Found him going to motels while he was supposedly working.

She found him on websites looking for prostitutes. Finds out she now has a high risk HPV that won't ultimately go away. Had cervical surgery while pregnant.

Turns out his a sex addict. Couldn't/Wouldn't stop. They went to addiction counselors, marriage counselors, priests.

He blamed her for everything. Denied ever touching these women. He was just "curious".

She pretty much had nervous breakdown. Lost her job (here) and is single and raising a son and battles with

custody with her sex addicted ex and his unrelenting family.

 

Sorry for the dark story. Sad but true.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I think i know deep down that im leaving him. I only stayed because of the baby and then because some seriously bad stuff happened in our lives and we needed each other for support. Im a very assertive person with anyone but him. Im always the one saying "BYE! Dont let the door hit you on your way out!". I just wanted this one to work..i finally took the risk to 110% be open honest and loving with a partner and truly share my life. We had a child! Im 40 he is 41.. i want another child and biologically dont have time to leave...recover from the heartbreak..find a new man and then wait til its appropriate to suggest a baby! Time is ticking. And i know he will hate me when i leave him and wont consider being friends who can have another kid together for my daughters sake ..i dont want her to grow up alone. We are both old parents ..she will need some family when we die. I am gonna try for a bub for maybe a few more weeks then tell him hes gone.

 

And i may have worded it a bit unclearly..i havent actually proven hes slept wjth anyone while wjth me...but he has made attempts thru the website once or twice but i have no proof he did do it. He says be didnt and never would. Thinks im crazy 4 even being mad abt it. Which makes me madder! Shows no respect for me! And mostly denies it one day then admits it the next then denies.it again saying im crazy and making up abt him to sabotage our relationship and threatens to get custody of our baby due to my mental health ! GOD the more i tell you guys the more i hate his gutz!! Time for him to go! Now i gotta figure out how...hes a bad narcissist who goes from sweet man to evil psycho at the flick of a switch.

 

It does not matter if he is a narcissist, or not. Stop diagnosing. He is disrespectful and does not love you. This is all you need to know.

 

Please do not continue to have sex with this man. Get tested. Immediately!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does he manufacture fights to get away for these activities? Besides his three-way proclivities, he is using abusive tactics, threats etc. Anything to get you off the trail. Stop confronting him, he'll never admit it. decide what you want and what you can and can't live with. He is NOT going to change.

It usually ends with him packing his bags and staying at a friends for a week then he comes home again
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats what im afraid of...my partner can NEVER be the bad one he is always.ALWAYS the victim. Im scared of what he will do and what he will say about me to everyone to make me the bad guy and him my victim? Hes an extremely good actor and people love him. His family hate me and will gang up to get him to try get custody of my daughter. I just wanted a happy normal life for once. I thought my party days are done and id had too many bad relationships i was ready 2 settle down. He appeared the same way. And get this...i used to cry on his shoulder abojt the last guy i dated b4 him because.he had been secretly seeing men as well! Prob why he wont open up to me because i said some horrible about him while i.was angry. But he should have not persued me knowing how i felt and what he wanted. So unfair.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats what im afraid of...my partner can NEVER be the bad one he is always.ALWAYS the victim. Im scared of what he will do and what he will say about me to everyone to make me the bad guy and him my victim? Hes an extremely good actor and people love him. .

 

I remember feeling this way. . but honestly, those who love you will stand beside you. That's all that matters.

The rest are not your friends, so don't worry about they think. You will ultimately be better off without them.

 

Besides, you can't live your life worrying about what others think.

People will likely recognize that a young woman with a baby who choses to walk away probably had to have a really good reason to do so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We had a child! Im 40 he is 41.. i want another child and biologically dont have time to leave... Time is ticking. And i know he will hate me when i leave him and wont consider being friends who can have another kid together for my daughters sake ..i dont want her to grow up alone. We are both old parents ..she will need some family when we die. I am gonna try for a bub for maybe a few more weeks then tell him hes gone..

I don't know if it's just me, but I find the above extremely disturbing. Your reasons for having another child are just so off the radar and very concerning and dare I say, even dysfunctional and selfish. The children will be brought up in a broken home from the get-go. There is so much more one could say but it's best to leave it at that. I think before bringing another child into this mess, consider some counselling to get yourself into a more mentally healthier place.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...