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How would you guys deal with a friend that always says that she's broke?


Caty
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Hi everyone!

 

We are a group of 5 five friends and one of my friends says that she's broke all the time. It have reached a point that it is really annoying because whenever we are going to do something she says that she is broke and she has to check if she has the money to join, but she doesn't have any problems going out partying with her mom, paying for a gym membership that is expensive and traveling abroad. I've told her that she should get a job but she always keeps making up dumb reasons why not to work.. One time I almost blurted out that she doesn't have to join everything if she doesn't have money.

 

She is also expecting us, especially me, to hold her hand, and she wants everything to be about her.. She told us that she's feeling lonely, but then I told her that I have asked her several times if she wants to do something, she cannot remember that she has gotten any messages from me... One time I asked her if she wants to join me and my mom on a day trip. She said that she would love to but she has to check her calendar but then she didn't bother getting back to me. We went to a wedding because both of us were bridesmaids and the day before the wedding, she asked me if she can drive with me to where we were taking pictures and I said yes but when she has to come to the hotel, and then she asked me when she should be there. I said well its not my wedding so she should ask the bride when she should be at the hotel...

 

We went for a cabin trip and I was in charge with planning and if I asked something, everyone answered except her, but the day before we were going she kept asking a lot of questions. I didn't bother answering because if she had read what I wrote in the group her questions would had been answered. I also said that there was no smoking in the cabin and she told me that she understood that, but when we were at the cabin, she asked me if she could smoke inside. I said no but she kept asking. I told her firmly that I won't discuss with her when I said no and that if she wants to smoke, she could go outside which she did.

 

Also, whenever we are having a gathering, we usually bring whatever we want to drink. She brings whatever she wants to drink but then she hides her wine bottle and whenever I'm at her place, I have to bring snacks myself even though it was she who invited me... Last weekend, we all went to a friend's place, and me and two of the girls in the group brought something for our friend who were having the went but this girl didn't bring anything. She didn't even bother taking out her bottle of wine...And this happens every single time. We are going to a concert, so I am going to have a gathering at my place before the concert and I was planning to have a dinner and ask them to bring whatever they want to drink and snacks. Three of the girls in the group are going to stay over at my place but this girl is not going to stay over at my place because she lives very close to me.

 

She also don't have the decency to even offer to chip in for gas. My car doesn't drive on friendship, and I'm planning to say something about that when we are going somewhere.

 

I could go on and on about this girl. Basically, she expect everyone to do everything for her. Friendship is give and take but she takes more than she give. I really want to be a good friend but sometimes I feel like a crappy friend because it is bothering me. The other girls in the group keeps complaining to me about her but whenever we are all together they are acting like everything is fine. I'm planning to say something to my other friends if they say something to me about her...

 

My question is: How would you guys deal with a friend like that?

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I'd let her be broke. If she can't come to a dinner or something, so be it. No skin off my back. If she's flaky, I simply wouldn't plan my day around her. And you're pretty much already conducting yourself how I would if a friend repeatedly asked goofy questions.

 

Just set boundaries and stick with them. Doesn't have to be drama or a witch burning. I've never excluded a friend from a car pool simply because they couldn't afford to pay for gas. None of my friends are heavy enough to destroy my fuel efficiency like that. But they do know that if someone else can afford to chip in and wants to go, that person is going to get priority over them.

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I've never excluded a friend from a car pool simply because they couldn't afford to pay for gas. None of my friends are heavy enough to destroy my fuel efficiency like that. But they do know that if someone else can afford to chip in and wants to go, that person is going to get priority over them..

 

I don't mind driving my friends for example if there is emergency, or if someone needs to go to the dentist or the doctor if they are doing a procedures and needs help to get home. I'm always happy to help, but all of my other friends tells me that they'll chip in for the gas except her. That's what is bothering me that she never even bothers to ask. I'm studying and working at the same time to pay my bills and I'm also saving money just so I can get approved for a loan from the bank to buy my own apartment, but she is getting social assistance from the Government because she's lazy to work.. She even told me that when she gets a job (if I really doubt that she would get a job), she's going to apply to get money for a driver's license and a car from the Government while the rest of us paid for our driver's license and car ourselves.

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I would understand that her priorities and her resources make her unavailable for many of our group trips. And I would set aside low-cost time to be with her, in a group or one on one.

 

To your point, in a way, she isn't broke, but she is spending money on other things. Don't take that personally. Your friend hasn't learned the verbal art of taking responsibility for herself and simply declining an invite. What she really means is "I don't have enough extra to spend on that activity" yet it seems like she has to participate to be part of the group. Remove the barrier of money from your friendship. Set up one on one outings for hikes and the like, and don't invite for the group trips.

 

Investing in her in a one on one setting will help her know she is valued, even if she isn't always lock step with the group.

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Is there anything you like about this girl at all? Why are you even friends when it seems like you dislike and judge everything about her?

 

If she is broke, oh well. Your friendship duty really starts and ends with inviting her. What she does with that is up to her. I don't really see where you get to judge her for how she chooses to spend her spare funds. If traveling with fam is more important to her than going to a concert with you all, so be it. Hanging out with friends isn't some kind of an obligation.

 

The money for carpooling.....honestly it's a windfall for you. Personally, I think your being quite petty about that. I wouldn't even think of asking for gas money and wouldn't even accept it when I'm driving to the same venue regardless. As jman pointed out so humorously, your friends' weight doesn't take away from your car's fuel efficiency.

 

Overall, you sure are keeping a sharp eye on what she does and doesn't bring, etc, etc, etc. Maybe focus less on what she is doing and worry more about your own life and what you need to do for yourself. She may be a friend, but her life choices aren't your problem.

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I would understand that her priorities and her resources make her unavailable for many of our group trips. And I would set aside low-cost time to be with her, in a group or one on one.

 

To your point, in a way, she isn't broke, but she is spending money on other things. Don't take that personally. Your friend hasn't learned the verbal art of taking responsibility for herself and simply declining an invite. What she really means is "I don't have enough extra to spend on that activity" yet it seems like she has to participate to be part of the group. Remove the barrier of money from your friendship. Set up one on one outings for hikes and the like, and don't invite for the group trips.

 

Investing in her in a one on one setting will help her know she is valued, even if she isn't always lock step with the group.

 

The thing is that she expect me to hold her hand all the time. I've asked her several times if she wants to hang out at my place to watch a movie, but she almost never replies to my messages and if she do reply then she's always sick. There is no point in bombarding her with messages if she'll just ignore them or say that she's sick, and then complain that she's lonely.

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The thing is that she expect me to hold her hand all the time. I've asked her several times if she wants to hang out at my place to watch a movie, but she almost never replies to my messages and if she do reply then she's always sick. There is no point in bombarding her with messages if she'll just ignore them or say that she's sick, and then complain that she's lonely.

 

If she isn't valuable to you, let her go.

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Is there anything you like about this girl at all? Why are you even friends when it seems like you dislike and judge everything about her?

 

If she is broke, oh well. Your friendship duty really starts and ends with inviting her. What she does with that is up to her. I don't really see where you get to judge her for how she chooses to spend her spare funds. If traveling with fam is more important to her than going to a concert with you all, so be it. Hanging out with friends isn't some kind of an obligation.

 

The money for carpooling.....honestly it's a windfall for you. Personally, I think your being quite petty about that. I wouldn't even think of asking for gas money and wouldn't even accept it when I'm driving to the same venue regardless. As jman pointed out so humorously, your friends' weight doesn't take away from your car's fuel efficiency.

 

Overall, you sure are keeping a sharp eye on what she does and doesn't bring, etc, etc, etc. Maybe focus less on what she is doing and worry more about your own life and what you need to do for yourself. She may be a friend, but her life choices aren't your problem.

 

She travels by herself to see her boyfriend who is also broke and then when she get back home, she says she doesn't have money. I've paid for her so many times and if I want to get the money back I have to ask for them myself and even then she'll tell me that she's broke...Even other people in group is also complaining about her to me. One of the other girls in the group wrote really ugly stuff about her to me but they don't even want to open their mouth to tell her. Another friend sends screen shots of her messages to me to show me watch she wrote. The first time I met her, our mutual friend came up to me telling me that she hasn't finished high school and that she's cheating on her boyfriend.. And I am the bad person who doesn't want to sugar coat things?

 

Also, as I wrote I don't mind driving if someone of my friends is going to the doctor or the dentist if they are doing something which requires someone to be there with them, but if the drive is three hours (I don't usually use my car in the city center) I kind of expect her to at least ASK to chip in for the gas. And as I wrote earlier, I keep asking her if she wants to do stuff like hang out watch a movie or go for a walk but she still says that she's lonely to our other friends. I'm trying my best to make sure that she's not feeling lonely. She also told me that she like friends who doesn't sugar coat things... She's kind and sweet but when she starts complaining about her life and so on, then it is kind of annoying to sit and listen to the same stuff over and over again...

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Is there anything you like about this girl at all? Why are you even friends when it seems like you dislike and judge everything about her?

 

If she is broke, oh well. Your friendship duty really starts and ends with inviting her. What she does with that is up to her. I don't really see where you get to judge her for how she chooses to spend her spare funds. If traveling with fam is more important to her than going to a concert with you all, so be it. Hanging out with friends isn't some kind of an obligation.

 

The money for carpooling.....honestly it's a windfall for you. Personally, I think your being quite petty about that. I wouldn't even think of asking for gas money and wouldn't even accept it when I'm driving to the same venue regardless. As jman pointed out so humorously, your friends' weight doesn't take away from your car's fuel efficiency.

 

Overall, you sure are keeping a sharp eye on what she does and doesn't bring, etc, etc, etc. Maybe focus less on what she is doing and worry more about your own life and what you need to do for yourself. She may be a friend, but her life choices aren't your problem.

 

I agree with this.

 

What we value in others is a reflection of what we value within ourselves. It sounds like your values and hers are different, even incompatible. That's okay -- I am not sure what you're fighting for here. Maybe it is that you feel like you are forced to be the bad guy, but you aren't in that position at all.

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The thing is that she expect me to hold her hand all the time. I've asked her several times if she wants to hang out at my place to watch a movie, but she almost never replies to my messages and if she do reply then she's always sick. There is no point in bombarding her with messages if she'll just ignore them or say that she's sick, and then complain that she's lonely.

 

If you're offering low cost hangouts like these and she's flakey and rude, I'd frankly just stop inviting her at all to anything.

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I agree with this.

 

What we value in others is a reflection of what we value within ourselves. It sounds like your values and hers are different, even incompatible. That's okay -- I am not sure what you're fighting for here. Maybe it is that you feel like you are forced to be the bad guy, but you aren't in that position at all.

 

So it is okay for you if your friend ask you to pay something for her and when you ask about the money, your friend says she's broke, so you have to wait even more to get the money back? And I am not talking about small amounts..

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It's important to accept that other people are the way they are; by this, I mean that you look at them honestly and have realistic expectations of them.

 

For example, if you lend this girl money you can be pretty certain you won't get it back in a hurry. If you plan a get-together with friends, you can be pretty certain she won't contribute. If you ask to see her one-to-one, she probably won't agree to it.

 

So don't include her in events where you know you're likely to end up feeling resentful. The decision to end friendships is a very personal one, and only you know when the point arises where the bad points about someone outweigh the good ones; where you look at your interactions and think "I don't want this."

 

In response to your original question, I'd handle it by stopping inviting her on trips which you know she won't be able to afford (at least according to her), or asking her to hang out. If she asks why this has happened, tell her gently and kindly that you don't want to embarrass her/have nothing to offer which would appeal to her.

 

The rest is up to her.

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And as I wrote earlier, I keep asking her if she wants to do stuff like hang out watch a movie or go for a walk but she still says that she's lonely to our other friends. I'm trying my best to make sure that she's not feeling lonely. She also told me that she like friends who doesn't sugar coat things... She's kind and sweet but when she starts complaining about her life and so on, then it is kind of annoying to sit and listen to the same stuff over and over again...

 

Why is it your job to make sure she isn't feeling lonely? Why are you making yourself responsible for her feelings? Why do your mutual friends b*tch to you about her instead of talking to her directly? Why do you all hang out with her if you don't like her? Why on earth do you loan her money when you know she won't pay it back? (Never loan money you couldn't just give to someone). Honestly? It sounds like you've made this situation every step of the way. And you keep cashing it down. You don't like her. You judge her. Your friends don't like her and are constantly telling you that. And yet, you are taking responsibility for her feelings?

 

Why are you twisting yourself up so much over someone who comes up with excuses not to hang out with you? You should start to look into why you take responsibility for other people's feelings.

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Why is it your job to make sure she isn't feeling lonely? Why are you making yourself responsible for her feelings? Why do your mutual friends b*tch to you about her instead of talking to her directly? Why do you all hang out with her if you don't like her? Why on earth do you loan her money when you know she won't pay it back? (Never loan money you couldn't just give to someone). Honestly? It sounds like you've made this situation every step of the way. And you keep cashing it down. You don't like her. You judge her. Your friends don't like her and are constantly telling you that. And yet, you are taking responsibility for her feelings?

 

Why are you twisting yourself up so much over someone who comes up with excuses not to hang out with you? You should start to look into why you take responsibility for other people's feelings.

 

Well, because I know how it is to feel lonely and I don't want other people to have that feeling... I know how it feels like when you sit at home and then the negative thoughts starts swirling in your head.. I know how overwhelming the feeling is. I even helped her get in touch with a course how to handle depression (which is free) that helped me. I asked her if she has contacted the people who is running the course, she smiled and said yes. I always wanted to help people but I guess that it kind of gets to me that I'm trying to help someone and then they don't do anything about their life. And why our mutual friends are always complaining about her is a good question, I'm going to ask them myself if I get the chance...

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I've paid for her so many times and if I want to get the money back I have to ask for them myself and even then she'll tell me that she's broke...

 

Why do you pay for her? Just say "I'm sorry you're broke. Maybe you can join us another time." If she asks you to cover her, just say No, then leave it at that, don't make excuses or defend your decision. And then change the subject. Move onto other things of interest, or head off to whatever you each need to do.

 

if the drive is three hours (I don't usually use my car in the city center) I kind of expect her to at least ASK to chip in for the gas.

 

Forget hoping expectations will get the results you want. Communicate. "I need you all to split the cost of gas for this trip. Otherwise, let's do something closer to home."

 

I keep asking her if she wants to do stuff like hang out watch a movie or go for a walk but she still says that she's lonely to our other friends. I'm trying my best to make sure that she's not feeling lonely. She also told me that she like friends who doesn't sugar coat things... She's kind and sweet but when she starts complaining about her life and so on, then it is kind of annoying to sit and listen to the same stuff over and over again...

 

OK, so you all can stop talking about her behind her back. Don't sugar coat it, tell your friends it doesn't help. And with this friend, when she complains, don't sugar coat it, change the subject "OK, I hear you, let's change the subject now and talk about the things that are going well or are ok, or things we really like."

 

These are your boundaries you are talking about, that you can strengthen to make your interactions more satisfying.

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Well, because I know how it is to feel lonely and I don't want other people to have that feeling... I know how it feels like when you sit at home and then the negative thoughts starts swirling in your head.. I know how overwhelming the feeling is. I even helped her get in touch with a course how to handle depression (which is free) that helped me. I asked her if she has contacted the people who is running the course, she smiled and said yes. I always wanted to help people but I guess that it kind of gets to me that I'm trying to help someone and then they don't do anything about their life. And why our mutual friends are always complaining about her is a good question, I'm going to ask them myself if I get the chance...

 

This might be your biggest issue. You want to help her with something you can't help her with. And you are getting upset that she isn't getting better. What if you stopped trying to change her? What if you let her emotional state be her responsibility? Because it sounds like you aren't really trying to help her for her. You are trying to help her SO SHE WILL CHANGE. You are getting bitter because you are putting in effort and she isn't changing. But you can't change her. You can't fix her. You can't make her less lonely or depressed or fix her "laziness" or make her get a job. It's not in your power and it's not your job. It doesn't even sound like she is asking for help. It sounds like you are forcefully helping her and getting more and more upset as it doesn't work.

 

You are WAY to tangled up in her emotional state. You can not save her. She's an adult who gets to make her own choices, even if you don't approve. Even if she isn't moving towards your idea of being healthy. It's your job to take care of your emotional state. And right now it sounds like you are upsetting your emotional reality in order to try and control ("fix") hers. And all the while it's making you bitter, it's making you hate her and it's wearing you out.

 

I know it's counterintuitive but you need to care -less-. You need to be less attached to her emotional state. You need to set down this responsibility that isn't yours and just look at the friendship. Because if you find that this person is unpleasant, unreliable and stressful... and you aren't responsible for them? Do you actually want to be friends with them?

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You are acting like it's fine too. Don't gossip, just distance yourself and do not engage her this much. If the other friends want to hang out with her fine.

The other girls in the group keeps complaining to me about her but whenever we are all together they are acting like everything is fine.
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The thing is that she expect me to hold her hand all the time. I've asked her several times if she wants to hang out at my place to watch a movie, but she almost never replies to my messages and if she do reply then she's always sick. There is no point in bombarding her with messages if she'll just ignore them or say that she's sick, and then complain that she's lonely.

 

If she routinely blows you off then she's really not a friend, is she?

 

Her lack of funds is her problem, not yours. Refuse to let that affect you.

 

The fact that she doesn't respond to your invitations should be of concern to you and at some point you just stop asking and decide you deserve better quality friends.

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We teach others how to treat us. Don't understand why you are paying for her? that's on you!

 

You do not respect or like her. Stop inviting her. I would assume that you are bad mouthing her to your other friends? If so, then you are not a friend.

 

Either accept this nonsense, or be done.

 

If someone has repeatedly not responded to invites, they get removed from my list.

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People will act at your minimum standard. Meaning, if you allow someone to get away with a certain behavior with no consequence, then they'll do it.

 

Want a road trip? Set an expectation that people pitch in, no rides if they don't. Want a night out drinking at one of your places? BYOB required. Don't give her any of your fun water. Etc.

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People will act at your minimum standard. Meaning, if you allow someone to get away with a certain behavior with no consequence, then they'll do it.

 

Want a road trip? Set an expectation that people pitch in, no rides if they don't. Want a night out drinking at one of your places? BYOB required. Don't give her any of your fun water. Etc.

 

I would ask why she is even being invited???

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I would stop hanging out with a mooch. And watch what the other friends do when you set that boundary. Those people who want to gossip behind her back yet keep her around to feel better about themselves aren't the kind of people I'd want close to me either. People aren't perfect so give them a chance to adjust to you not being a doormat anymore. But don't be a doormat anymore.

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So it is okay for you if your friend ask you to pay something for her and when you ask about the money, your friend says she's broke, so you have to wait even more to get the money back? And I am not talking about small amounts..

 

Where in my post did I say that specific thing is okay? I did not.

 

I also did not say your attitude is okay. It isn't. The first time she didn't readily pay you back, that is on her. The second time you lent her money, knowing she struggles to pay people back, that is on you. You chose to continue this behavior. Never lend money to friends that you can't afford to give them.

 

Finally, your posts seem more focused on criticizing her than on solving some sort of problem for you. I have no interest in criticizing her. You and your other friends do, and that doesn't seem friendly at all. No wonder she doesn't spend her money to hang out with you.

 

I don't understand why this presents a conflict for you. Nobody likes her. So stop inviting her.

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