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Dating a girl fresh from breakup


bbogdanov
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they are still living together

 

This is all I'd need to know. I'd tell her that I like her and can picture the two of us dating someday, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. She can finish up her old business, and she can contact me after she's free and clear of the ex, living on her own, and completely over the guy. If I'm still free then, we'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

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Sounds good, but I fear the current opportunity will be lost then??

 

The scarier prospect to me, would be as catfeeder said, you ruin your chances with her altogether by being her rebound or even worse you miss out on a perfectly nice emotionally healthy girl because you're wasting your time with someone who has no business dating at the moment.

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Sounds good, but I fear the current opportunity will be lost then??

 

There is no 'current' opportunity when someone is still living with someone else. Best you can do is preserve any future potential while you have THAT opportunity. If it falls through, then this was hardly a meant-to-be deal, and you've spared yourself some messy fallout.

 

Think.

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I met a girl I liked and we've been on two dates already. The problem is that her bf has broken up with her recently (for 2nd or 3rd time, they'd been together for 4 years) and they are still living together because she is looking for a roommate to live with. I was provided with that info in the middle of the second date and I was surprised but retained my composure. I like her and want to get to know her but I fear it is a recipe for disaster and I'd like to get some opinions. The dates went very well, we shared some moments of physical touch and she's told me that she is attracted. She said she is happy to meet me at this exact time of her life because I've shown her things she's been blind for up until now (I don't know what that means) but she wants to take things slow and she wants to go out with me again (we are going to the cinema next week). So I guess she definitely likes me, but the situation she's in makes me fear the outcome. I don't want to develop some feelings and be hurt in the end because I've read about rebound relationship and such things. I just don't have enough experience and I've never been in such a situation.

 

I dated a girl in 2003 for 6 months. I liked her a lot, but she dumped me. It was on a Monday. I was hurt. My friend set me up on a blind date for the following Friday. I did not want to go. According to conventional logic, I was your typical "rebound". I went on the date and hit it off with the girl. We hooked up that night and she became my girlfriend for a little over a year. She ended up dumping me in the end. I was in love with her.

 

Not all situations like these are rebounds. A lot of it depends on what you can sense out of her. If you don't have a lot of experience, you're just going to have to do the best you can to get experience. I can't sense anything indicating that she is still hung up on the guy. If I did, I would confront her with it.

 

Dating carries risk. You may get hurt. There's no way around it if you want to date.

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I guess I just want to close my eyes and pretend things are not like they are... Like I want to get that experience to be crushed with some rebound relationship before I believe it, sounds masochistic, doesn't it? :D Joking aside, I will have to be very serious about it, I don't need another heartbreak. Going to the movies will not be a good idea according to you, but what about using this date to make some serious conversation with her about her intentions and her emotional state?

 

Don't pretend like the issue doesn't exist. I'd confront her with it ASAP. You don't have time to waste on someone who's still hung up on some other guy. Communicate that to her. Then hear what she has to say. Either she will end things or it will be the push she needs to get over him and commit to you.

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bbogdanov,

 

Long time no see. :D

I'm joining the discussion from another black-and-white perspective (as someone mentioned earlier), I guess.

 

I was that girl once. I lived with my ex for another 1.5-2 months after we broke up (had been together for more than 4 years, lived together for more than 2).

I can assure you that it's not a break-up before the actual moving out. Even if you believe you're over it emotionally, you can't feel the real blow of not having this person in your life anymore.

So, back then someone else suddenly confessed feelings for me, I got interested, explained my situation, told him I didn't want a relationship but wanted to 'get to know him'.

And I really believed so at the moment. He agreed on my terms. And he really believed he was okay with them at the moment. We were both lying to ourselves...

With him falling harder and harder 'too soon' I started feeling more and more turned off. As a coincidence (or not :D) I had just moved out from my ex's.

Long story short - broke up with the guy, broke his heart, went through a lot of drama on his part (paid my price for creating such a horrible mess), then finally went on properly grieving the end of my LTR. Learnt my lesson. Never again on either side of such dynamics.

Yes, I know, this is my experience and not necessarily your case. But there is a high chance of it being similar, sorry, I really think so. And the earlier you cut it, the easier.

 

You must take care of yourself and not just hope that things will magically unfold in the least likely direction by themselves.

 

In my opinion you should absolutely not:

1. Continue dating her, I explained why;

2. Confront her - that's a complete nonsense. Someone you had two dates with owes you nothing. Not even explanation, let alone any kind of promise for a potential/future.

 

I too think that you have better chances of explaining why you consider now is not the time to date her and leave the door opened for the future.

Meanwhile keep dating. You'll meet plenty of other wonderful women.

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Don't pretend like the issue doesn't exist. I'd confront her with it ASAP. You don't have time to waste on someone who's still hung up on some other guy. Communicate that to her. Then hear what she has to say. Either she will end things or it will be the push she needs to get over him and commit to you.

 

I agree with this mindset but I wouldn't communicate that to her verbally.

 

I didn't read the entire thread but don't make any more dates with her at this point. Let her come to you when she's ready. You want her to be in emotionally available state so that you're not always wondering if the ex is still in the picture.

 

About a year ago, I had a rough break up and was still dealing with the pain. I decided to date half the single women in my city (much to the detriment of my wallet) to try and heal. I met one girl that I really was attracted to that I had met through a mutual friend (who didn't see the danger of trying to hook up two people on the rebound) and we had mainly met to talk about employment opportunities in my company. It was the first girl that I really was attracted to that took my embattled mind off of my ex for a while.

 

We met for coffee several times and I didn't mention a formal date because I knew the back story on her. I decided to leave it alone while I dealt with my own issues because I thought she was better than all of the other women I was dating at the time (but frankly never progressed with due to my own state of emotions).

 

After a few months, she called me up and asked me to come over and help her move some furniture. It sounded like she had made a final clean break from her ex and that she might be available.

 

Well she had just moved out of her ex's mansion, but was wearing an engagement ring (that I hadn't seen her wearing in our previous meetings) and was driving a Jag that he gave her. I thought to myself: Yep, a "mercenary". We had a great time hanging out but I didn't push things because I realized that it was too soon.

 

We didn't talk for several months and sure enough, this guy found his way back into her life. Dodged a bullet.

 

In the meantime, I met a great girl and have been dating her for the past 6 months. If I'd pursued the other one, it wouldn't have lasted and she probably would have gone back to the other guy eventually anyway. I wouldn't have healed from the previous breakup and this potential situation would have just compounded things and screwed me up more than I already was.:nightmare:

 

Moral of the story: Don't pursue women that aren't available emotionally. You can fantasize about it but take it for what it is: fantasy. When they are ready and if they're attracted to you, they will let you know.

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A little update with some lengthy conversation of ours after she contacted me several times this week just to tell me some BS that'd happened to her while every my attempt to arrange a date was ignored. I got angry and decided to learn where things are at after another speech of hers that she wants to take things slow...

Every opinion is welcome!

 

- I don't know how slow you want to take things so I am waiting for you to invite me out : D

- : D

I am reading "Eat Pray Love" at the moment

It helps me a lot

And I think that I have to set myself free first

Physically and emotionally

- Yes, you're right. If some day you feel you've accomplished it, contact me. We may meet up if I'm available.

But until you become unattached, I prefer not being an emotional trash can. I've overcome my difficulties and I am free, looking for a relationship that happens here and now, without conditions.

- Emotional trash can

That sounds harsh

One thing I believe for sure

Is that you came into my life not by chance

It's very hard for me to get out of my comfort zone

I am afraid of risking anymore

This life is dificult to be lived

- I am afraid of risking, too. And a woman that still loves her partner and even lives with him can hardly think about anything else. That's a recipe for disaster

- :D

I like the way you express yourself

- I may have come into your life not by chance but the time is not appropriate unfortunately

- No, it's appropriate

If it's happened then the time is right

- I don't know, I don't want to suffer. It's been a long way for me to get to

- You don't have a mindset that the next woman you meet will be "the one", do you

One never knows

- It's not what I meant. I am talking about at least having overcome the breakup. I didn't want to hear about relationships for a good several months after my last breakup

- You can never be sure about not being hurt

- You can be almost sure that you're gonna be hurt when you like a person who's not emotionally available

- But you can set free that person from his/her emotional prison

You can help him/her I mean

One have to cope with difficulties by himself

I, personally, am not a woman that avoids relationships

Quite the contrary

- What do you mean by that? Avoiding relationships?

- Well, you told me you didn't want to hear about relationships for a long time after your last breakup

I am not such a person

I am loving constantly

And I am determined, no matter the pain I suffer, that I will love even more next time

- I think that after a breakup a person should be left alone for some time, to assess the mistakes made, to learn to become self-sufficient again and to become emotionally stronger. Hopping through relationships is a bad idea

- Doesn't that depend on the person

And how he/she feels it

Why the generalization

- I think you can't be ready to love again so soon after a serious relationship

The chance is very low

Otherwise we are fooling ourselves and search for an escape by entering a new relationship every time

After all, I've decided to bite the bullet as you see because I am communicating with you

I guess I won't act rationally

- :D

As soon as you saw me

You said to yourself "that's it, this girl is a mess"

You don't have to bite the bullet

:D

- Not exactly but I thought I was not lucky after our second date

Having met such a cool girl but her being in such a messy situation...

- Don't say it

- : )

- I don't like it that way

Don't smile to me like that

- I don't want to fight from the beginning of our relationship

- :D

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She seems to be a cool girl. Thoughtful. I think you can get her on a date if you try for one now. You don't want to be penpals with her. Try for a date again. If she hesitates, without a good excuse , Call her out on it like you just did. Either you get this thing started, or you're not wasting your time anymore.

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Good grief! This is turning into a dumpster fire......

 

Ask her when she's moving out and getting her own place. (unless I've missed something in this thread that speaks to it already)

 

If she can't give you a definitive answer, then you tell her to call you when she gets settled in her new place.

 

You don't need to get jerked around like this. She's "overlapping" with you as the rebound - as everyone has said out here.

 

If you're actually in contact with other women, how is it going with them?

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She is moving out "asap" but I don't care anymore as I got exhausted of that BS. I told her what you've adviced me - to give me a call when she is in a better place and we can come up with something.

 

I am in contact with other women. I have a date for tomorrow with a new girl while yesterday I went to a restaurant with another girl who eventually invited me at her place afterwards and we spent the night together... I am gaining some speed now :D

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We are not texting often but I initiated conversation today and while we were exchanging thoughts, we came to the topic of game playing when you like somebody (push-pull, PUA tricks and so on). I told her that I don't like playing games and that I've showed her my interest in the past. She agreed and said that she also hates these type of games. Then I wanted to know her opinion about me so I tried to learn more:

 

- In this train of thought, I really enjoy texting with you : ) I just don't know what your end goal ultimately is and that's why I don't get my hopes up

- I very much enjoy talking to you, too

My end goal is to organize my thoughts

I plunged into despair yesterday

That I've not accomplished anything for my 30 years

My friend has two children already and she is furnishing her apartment now

While I am wandering with my two suitcases

I know what I should do and I know I can do it (* I guess she talks about moving out of her ex's house and overcoming the breakup *)

But I can't draw you into it

I feel sad and uneasy

- I understand, that's why I message you less frequently. There's no point in bothering you and you can't provide me with the thing I'm looking for at the moment

- : )

 

What do you think?

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Maybe she will wake up one day, so keep her on the side. But move on with your things like you're doing, since you don't have time to waste on someone who's not ready for you.
i agree with this... if u spend too much time on it and she flakes out, there could resentment and bitterness that would impact any future relationship. also keeping it lite, dating is a good. you might meet someone better.

 

as humans we are so silly... we only see what we want and we fight to make others be more of what we envision them to be. dont fight. seek happiness wherever it comes from and you'll have more of it in your life.

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Nothing new. I've moved on and am dating other girls at the moment. Yesterday I went out with girl number 16 :D and tomorrow I have a date with a previous girl, it will be our second date. Well, if this particular girl from the topic wants to date me some time in the future - I am open to it, if I am available (which is highly likely given how things are going up until now :D ).

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