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Help! What should I do? I want him back desperately!


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This is my first post but I need advice! Please help! PSA: Yes, the rule of NC is to heal. I know that. Yes, it is possibly better to just let him go. I know that. I know these things! And I have heard it enough, and ultimately, if I lose hope, I will move on. Until now, I want to know how I can breathe life back into this relationship. I know I am new and definitely do not have the experience to demand for certain answers, so please answer however! Just keep in mind I am aware of the things I should do and would first like to learn what I can do.

(And I know how long this is please readdd)

 

My (ex?) boyfriend is the love of my life. I am 16 and he is 18 and this the first long, serious relationship we have both had, so I bet a lot of y'all are shaking your head and thinking, "No, he isn't the love of your life." But I know if we try hard enough, we can be really happy: we are both mature (me not so much) and have identical beliefs in a state where everyone has opinions we disagree with, we laugh all the time, we are both very similar in the bedroom (freaky - sorry, TMI, but that's hard to find in a country small-town). He is special. I have talked with other guys before and never been impressed and I know he is special.

 

Now that you know I am serious let me say this: Today is 1 week since we broke up and would have been our 1 year. I kind of initiated everything in the relationship except for intimacy. That sounds wrong, but he's really just a gentle giant who gets nervous. I hit him up, I approached him, I kissed him first, etc. He did ask me to be his girlfriend, however. We bickered constantly but it was never uncomfortable and he never called them "fights", more banter. Exact same personalities and all. I got clingy, though. That was my NUMBER ONE PROBLEM!!! I KNOW it now, and I HATE how I acted and I am ALREADY starting to change this. It was so ridiculous. He is a senior and I am a junior and his excuse was that he knew we would have to break up later when he went to college, but I know that my clinginess was a huge part, especially since he is only going to be 45 minutes away. I left him alone this week for the most part except I approached him in school because we have choir together, and we were literally acting like immature babies refusing to look each other's way and I was not having it. We ended up having a long discussion over lunch and even after school. He said it was mature of me to approach him and he was just giving me space because he figured I was mad. (He broke up with me over the phone and I did say when he broke up with me that a small part of me would always resent him for valuing our fantastic relationship with one phone call, but I already apologized for that and he said he understood.) I eventually persuaded him into just giving each other space and not being totally broken up, and he said he wouldn't mind trying that for a few weeks, gave me a hug, etc. He also said, "You make me so happy and I don't want this to be so hard." I can't tell if he is scared of commitment (we ALWAYS talked about our future but it was not just me that initiated those conversations) or he knows because of my clinginess a LDR wouldn't work. Two days after we spoke in person I slipped up and contacted him, but it was very brief which is unlike me and although he ended it, I did not respond back and I think he might have been expecting me to. I am trying to do a modified version of NC because there is no way I am going to act like he does not exist during school, it's ridiculous. Already though I think he might have been expecting me to contact him more. He has looked at every single one of my Snapchat stories (and I post a lot), liked the only photo on Instagram I've posted, and although he deleted our pictures on Instagram I think it was because I did it first, he still has pictures of me up on Twitter and they are still his pinned tweet. FYI - it is not another girl. I asked him such and let me tell you, he is a HORRIBLE liar. I know when he is lying, and he's much too awkward of a person to even manage a hookup. Besides, he called me beautiful up until the day we broke up and we had fantastic intimate relations (I don't know if I can say s** on here haha!) 3 days before.

 

I am really just asking two things - is there hope for us? And how should I continue this? I am going to do NC outside of school and everything but I am so worried he is going to move on or forget about me if I do that. I also do not think I should do NC for very long. I am honestly heartbroken and I feel as though a part of me has slipped away. My hand feels empty without his in it and my mind is preoccupied of him always. My hobbies (show choir, music, my academics) mean less to me. I know it has been so recent but I can't imagine healing this before giving a second chance. Please, please please help!

 

If you want me to post the text conversation we had, I can, it was so short. I am kind of embarrassed of what I said, it wasn't too bad but if I don't have to say it I won't haha

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Oh, sweetie, I felt the same way when my first boyfriend and I broke up. It's rough when you first true relationship ends! But I promise you, you will get through this.

 

All you can do is respect his choice to break up and give him space. Leave him be. Be civil when you see him at school, of course, but don't initiate contact. That needs to come from him now.

 

You will learn as you get older that moving toward someone who feel smothered (or trying to convince them to stay when they have already broken up with you) is the fastest way to create what you fear most.

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I appreciate this advice but what should I do now that he has agreed to just being on a break? Should I contact him to tell him that's no longer a good idea? :( I told him when it happened that he should not do it at all if he feels forced and he said, "No, i really want to try that instead" so I don't want him to think I'm playing with his feelings by changing my mind.

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Breaks are not very useful - when is the end date of this break? What are you both meant to do in the meantime to work on putting this back together? Are you both allowed to date others?

 

If you haven't talked about any of the above, then you both need to consider this a break-up. Otherwise you're only prolonging the inevitable. And yes, I would let him know that a break is turning out to be harder than you expected because you feel you're caught in limbo. Changing your mind does not mean you're playing with his feelings; you're trying to protect yours.

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All of your advice was so useful - tonight after my rehearsal he called me and we talked for hours. He said, unashamed, that he had made a mistake and he regrets it completely. I responded it was just the break up blues but he was adamant about this and insisted that it was his mistake that he wished to rectify, even if that meant giving me time he would wait for me. Et cetera. We are going to start again, very slowly. I barely used NC on him and I genuinely believe this came on his own accord as I have not been doing anything to persuade him to feel this way. I will work on myself as both a girlfriend and a person and update this thread. I love him deeply but I am going to be smart and not set expectations too high - and if a breakup comes again, I am going to respectfully accept it. :)

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ultimately, if I lose hope, I will move on.

 

You don't need to lose hope in order to move on. Especially when moving on is the best shot you've got for meeting ex on higher ground someday.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to move forward to create a fabulous life for myself. There's nothing more potent than curiosity about confident behavior that someone would have never expected from you as opposed to pining and hovering, which is not only a real turn-off, but exactly the unfortunate stuff any guy would anticipate from an ex who was a clinger.

 

Skip that, and trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll have future opportunities to cross paths when you're both feeling positive and he's had the opportunity to reflect on you fondly and with newfound respect for the new life skills you've developed.

 

The only way to be appreciated by someone who's walked away is to cultivate respect from afar. This plants seeds for being viewed through new vision rather than through leftover clouds of guilt, obligation and the desire to push you away.

 

Think on it, and recognize all the ways that moving to higher ground opens a better future for you, while pining away only digs you into a deeper hole to climb out of--and it's one that no ex wants to go near for fear of getting sucked down into that place with you.

 

Head high, and you'll thank yourself later.

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