TrueBlue631 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Exactly what the headline says.... When something you do bothers or upsets a woman, why to they always become passive agressive, shut down, and force the guy to play a guessing game, until the women get annoyed to the point where they FINALLY tell the guy??? (and more often than not, it's something incredibly stupid) I'm dating someone now, and for the past two and 1/2 days, she's been pissy about something, but after hounding all night via text, she finally told me that it was I forgot she was having a medical procedure done on a particular day. I wasn't supposed to take her to it or anything, but she supposedly told me about it on a previous date last week. I honestly don't remember, but I apologized anyway the date in question when it happened. After that, I noticed she was emotionally distant. Like I said, she's been this way since Sunday, and I just found out yesterday what it was. She is still being pissy and distant. So again, why can't women just tell guys what's bothering them?? Esp. is the guy is the source of their issue? Why do we need to play stupid guessing games and be left in the doghouse till they feel the guy deserves to be let out?? Link to comment
thealchemist Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Well thinking this is a "woman" issue is pretty sexist. Happens with both genders. Sometimes people can't express what is annoying them as fast as you would like them. Some people also don't want to be "hounded by texts" and would rather a concerned individual actually have a real verbal conversation. I can see a lot of reason why it would happen the way it did with you. Maybe you need to foster a more supportive outlet for her to express herself. Being "hounded" by someone trying to figure out what is wrong with me would make me think they don't really care what is wrong, they just want me to tell them and get over it because it is annoying them. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Exactly what the headline says.... When something you do bothers or upsets a woman, why to they always become passive agressive, shut down, and force the guy to play a guessing game, until the women get annoyed to the point where they FINALLY tell the guy??? (and more often than not, it's something incredibly stupid) I'm dating someone now, and for the past two and 1/2 days, she's been pissy about something, but after hounding all night via text, she finally told me that it was I forgot she was having a medical procedure done on a particular day. I wasn't supposed to take her to it or anything, but she supposedly told me about it on a previous date last week. I honestly don't remember, but I apologized anyway the date in question when it happened. After that, I noticed she was emotionally distant. Like I said, she's been this way since Sunday, and I just found out yesterday what it was. She is still being pissy and distant. So again, why can't women just tell guys what's bothering them?? Esp. is the guy is the source of their issue? Why do we need to play stupid guessing games and be left in the doghouse till they feel the guy deserves to be let out?? Really! I have had many men do this to me. Stop generalizing! What is the procedure? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Well....definitely not a gender thing..... That said, if I'm upset about something but I don't want to talk about it....it's because I don't want to talk about it. Meaning that I need to chill out, digest it and I will either dismiss it or talk about it when I'm good and ready and can approach the issue calmly and rationally. The worst thing that you can do is start hounding me over it. Guaranteed to end in an unnecessary fight and you in the dog house for real. When someone seems like they need space, let them have it, back off and don't harass them to tell you what's wrong. Seems like she was being off, you got anxious and let your anxiety run you over. Which really didn't lead to a solution but a bigger problem where now she is being distant because you really annoyed her with your behavior worse than the original issue which she probably would have gotten over on her own and let it go. Link to comment
TrueBlue631 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 My apologies for the "gender-blaming", but as a heterosexual male, women are the only ones I have experienced this with.... Anyway, I understand now that pestering someone over it might not be good. But it's frustrating when I am continuing to maintain the relationship, but the other person has shut down without any indication of why. How difficult is it to say what's bothering you and just need time to chill out over it, and you'll be back and ready to talk when you do. Why does someone have to say their "fine", when in fact they aren't? Because some guys (especially the "good guys") will just think over and over what it is they may have done wrong, only to find out later it was something that could have easily been rectified with a simple conversation. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 My apologies for the "gender-blaming", but as a heterosexual male, women are the only ones I have experienced this with.... Anyway, I understand now that pestering someone over it might not be good. But it's frustrating when I am continuing to maintain the relationship, but the other person has shut down without any indication of why. How difficult is it to say what's bothering you and just need time to chill out over it, and you'll be back and ready to talk when you do. Why does someone have to say their "fine", when in fact they aren't? Because some guys (especially the "good guys") will just think over and over what it is they may have done wrong, only to find out later it was something that could have easily been rectified with a simple conversation. You are not a "good guy" when you are forcing your point of view and approach on another person and refuse to acknowledge that other people deal with problems differently. You are still pounding the "talk to me and tell me right now what's up with you" (because it makes me anxious). Your anxiety is not your partner's problem. Find better ways to deal with that than demanding that your partner immediately jump to alleviating things for you. I won't even get into the fact that most of the time whatever the person is bothered by won't even be about you and really something you should keep out of. Link to comment
journeynow Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 "more often than not, it's something incredibly stupid" + "she's been pissy about something" + "after hounding all night" + "I forgot she was having a medical procedure" + "being pissy" + "play stupid guessing games " I can't say she represents woman world wide, or you represent men world wide. However, it doesn't sound like you are supportive or sympathetic of her in the least. Do you think that might cause her to hold back expressing her feelings? Whether you think her feelings are justified or not, they are hers. It doesn't help your relationship if you label them stupid or pissy. Your feelings (now, as a reaction to this) are yours, whether anyone else think they are justified or not, and someone could just as easily call your reaction stupid and pissy. I'm not saying it is, but judging her harshly is not helping communication. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I can't say she represents woman world wide, or you represent men world wide. However, it doesn't sound like you are supportive or sympathetic of her in the least. Do you think that might cause her to hold back expressing her feelings? Whether you think her feelings are justified or not, they are hers. It doesn't help your relationship if you label them stupid or pissy. Your feelings (now, as a reaction to this) are yours, whether anyone else think they are justified or not, and someone could just as easily call your reaction stupid and pissy. I'm not saying it is, but judging her harshly is not helping communication. Agreed with this. From her POV, can you understand why she would be upset that the guy she’s seeing didn’t remember she had a medical procedure? Link to comment
TrueBlue631 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 I can't say she represents woman world wide, or you represent men world wide. However, it doesn't sound like you are supportive or sympathetic of her in the least. Do you think that might cause her to hold back expressing her feelings? Whether you think her feelings are justified or not, they are hers. It doesn't help your relationship if you label them stupid or pissy. Your feelings (now, as a reaction to this) are yours, whether anyone else think they are justified or not, and someone could just as easily call your reaction stupid and pissy. I'm not saying it is, but judging her harshly is not helping communication. Thanks for this comment. After reading my OP, I can understand it sounds a lot like that. I'll be honest, I expressed my frustration of the situation more in my OP than I did with her. I was understanding, and supportive (as best as I could be) with her, with the obvious exception of asking her to open up to me what was bothering her. I understand that was my fault. Once I did find out what was wrong, I texted her with affirmations that I was sorry, and that I indeed care about her and want to pursue this potential partnership further. and my feelings about how I love and care about her. I wasn't (at least hop I wasn't) a jerk in communicating with her, but perhaps expressed that I was frustrated with being left in the dark. Link to comment
TrueBlue631 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 Agreed with this. From her POV, can you understand why she would be upset that the guy she’s seeing didn’t remember she had a medical procedure? Yes I do, and I apologized for it and told her it was a misunderstanding on my part. Although, I can't imagine HOW I would forget something like that, as I am the type of person that would immediately arrange flowers or adjust my schedule to be available to her if needed. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Hey this is not a woman only thing! If I'm pissed about something I will talk about it, I dont believe in giving the silent treatment. My mother used to do that to my father and I thought it was stupid then and still do. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Hey this is not a woman only thing! If I'm pissed about something I will talk about it, I dont believe in giving the silent treatment. My mother used to do that to my father and I thought it was stupid then and still do. Yup! I express my feelings, then move on. Link to comment
TrueBlue631 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 What is the procedure? I'd rather not go into detail but it's in outpatient procedure with just local anesthetic at site of the examination. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 My husband used to be the king of passive aggressive and lack of communication. It is a HUMAN thing. Link to comment
TrueBlue631 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 My husband used to be the king of passive aggressive and lack of communication. It is a HUMAN thing. If I may ask, what did you do to overcome it and get him to open up to you? Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Believe it or not, there are lots of good communicators out there... You just need to find them :) Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 If I may ask, what did you do to overcome it and get him to open up to you? He went to years of therapy to learn to communicate openly and fairly. Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Idea: weekly or monthly dates where it is planned to talk about where you two are at: good things and bad things. Worked in my last relationship! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 1) In the future, i wouldn't hound her with text messages. If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't push her. Let her cool off and then talk to her. Texting is also a bad way to have serious conversations. Save it for the lighter stuff. 2) I'd offer to take her to her appointment (if you can fit it in your schedule). If not, bring some flowers over that day to cheer her up after the doctors. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 What does "pissy" mean exactly here? It's one thing if she doesn't want to talk about something and is asserting her space. It's another if she's using what she's not willing to talk about as an excuse to be toxic. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Now, I am really curious. The site is anonymous. What was the procedure? Link to comment
BlueEternity Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I'm not saying it's a healthy response, but responding passive-aggressively to something like that is pretty normal, imo. When someone close to you forgets/doesn't notice/apparently doesn't care about something that they "should have," you feel ignored and de-valued. You want the thing that they have (quite possibly innocently) withheld from you--their attention--but it is humiliating to confront someone over "why didn't you..." and it's very difficult to do without coming across as mean/nasty/aggressive etc. (which are things women are heavily socialized to avoid seeming, which is why passive-aggression is associated with women). So, instead, you do something to give them a clue that they have messed up. I think the hope--maybe more of a subconscious hope--is that the other person will think "why is she (he) mad...?" and then remember/notice the thing and spontaneously apologize for it. If this actually happened, it would soothe a lot of the hurt feelings, because it means the other person did sort-of notice/remember, and they know they should have done the other thing. But when the other person doesn't respond to the passive-aggression, it starts a vicious cycle. You think either they don't know what the thing is because they never paid enough attention to you in the first place, or they don't care that you're hurt, or they don't pay enough attention to you to notice you're upset. So you escalate, to eliminate option 3. Rinse and repeat, until the other person responds (probably angrily). Now, you're left with 1 and 2, neither of them good, and you're much more upset than at the beginning, but now the other person is upset too. It will mostly likely not end well. -Signed, a passive-aggressive person from a passive-aggressive family :/ Link to comment
LadyAbbey31 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Now, I am really curious. The site is anonymous. What was the procedure? That isn't really relevant in helping the OP with his problem, and he mentioned already not wanting to go into further detail about the procedure. As a woman who has (before 'growing up' emotionally) occasionally acted the way your girlfriend has acted (sending out hints that they're upset rather than admitting/discussing the issue) I can give the reason I did it: I was too weak & too afraid to talk about my feelings in an honest, direct, healthy way. Maybe she took your forgetting the day of her appointment as a sign you didn't care (not true) and was passive aggressively seeking reassurance that you did. My only advice is to try to create a supportive 'atmosphere' in the relationship so that she feels safe being open. This is tricky in the first months of a relationship however. As other posters have said, don't send a bunch of annoyed texts, that will push her further away. Just give her a bit of time too cool off before (delicately) approaching the issue again. Should this be necessary? No. She should be a big girl and tell you directly what the problem is. You deserve that. But as you grow closer, she'll feel safer & hopefully secure enough in your feelings for her that she won't resort to this type of behavior. Link to comment
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