I'd like to hear women's opinions on this

[jul-els]

I guess for me, I don't really feel that "click" or chemistry with that many men, so when I do, not gonna stop seeing him because he lives and takes care of his old beleaguered mum.

 

I have no issue with him staying at mine. Never experienced a man being a total slob, my bfs including current are very respectful when staying over.

 

I wouldn't mind spending time at his either sometimes, meeting, spending some time with his mom.

 

If we become serious, he moves out and we get our own place!

 

Again, I know I'm a weirdo, quite different from most women, in more ways than just this.

 

This is the type of attitude I hope I might find. But I know that’s rare. But knowing there’s at least one of you is encouraging!😉

[Seraphim]

See I would not mind a man coming to stay at my house either. I enjoy my privacy . At the same time when I was dating I was looking to marry and have a family.

[katrina1980]

I also enjoy my privacy, but heck we're dating, he's not moving in with me.

 

Just staying at mine after dates, as opposed to his.

 

Although as I said, wouldn't mind staying at his occasionally, would just have to be tad quieter tis all, since mom is down the hall, lol.

 

But mostly would just stay at mine, I prefer staying at mine anyway. All my things are here, etc.

 

OP said he is quite accomplished.

 

You'd have to live here, but it's so expensive, many men are choosing to live at home while they save for a house, it's not all that uncommon really.

 

Course OP has his own reasons, which personally I respect.

 

But I am not looking for a "provider" per se. I have my reasons. If I were, may feel differently.

 

Ironically, the men I attract happen to be very successful and into being a provider!

 

Funny how it works out that way sometimes.

[Seraphim]

I found my life partner very early. ( I was 22 when I found my life partner) He was my first boyfriend. So dating for the sake of dating is something I never did. When we dated it was to find a life partner not just to date. But everyone is different.

[SherrySher]

Yeah but Katrina, you're also dating a doctor

[katrina1980]

I found my life partner very early. ( I was 22 when I found my life partner) He was my first boyfriend. So dating for the sake of dating is something I never did. When we dated it was to find a life partner not just to date. But everyone is different.

 

I do understand and respect that, and also believe this is why I am a bit weird or different.

 

I am not necessarily looking for a life partner. If it works out that way, fabulous!

 

But my initial goal is to find love, and have him love me. Mutual understanding and support.

 

A great emotional and physical connection.

 

For however long it lasts, hopefully forever, but realize that's not how it always works out., unfortunately.

 

My attitude may come from my dad stepping out on my mom, and their divorce. And of course my own broken engagement two years ago.

 

Seeing divorce all around me, here in southern Cali, I think the divorce rate is around 88%, highest in the country.

 

Seraphin, I am happy for you! Sounds like you and hubby WILL go the distance.

 

I hope I can find that too, breaks up are utterly exhausting!

[katrina1980]

Yeah but Katrina, you're also dating a doctor

 

I know that's the irony! I dated a man last year (or late 2016) who is an attorney.

 

My ex was a successful contractor with two businesses.

 

Not looking for it necessarily, but I DO admire ambition and smarts, so I tend to attract those types of men, smart, ambitious, successful.

[jul-els]

Yep, and we all know a doctor is a better person than a musician. Hands down.🙄 I think I’ve gotten all I need from this thread. Feel free to continue off topic. Thank you all for the helpful replies.🙂

[Seraphim]

Oh we will. We have been together almost 30 years. We also don't believe in divorce for ourselves. Our religion doesn't permit it. My mom however has been married 3 times. My husband's family has no divorces in it ,at all.

[katrina1980]

Yep, and we all know a doctor is a better person than a musician. Hands down.🙄 I think I’ve gotten all I need from this thread. Feel free to continue off topic. Thank you all for the helpful replies.🙂

 

No actually I am really into the creative types.

 

Artists, musicians, they hold a special appeal for me, I just haven't met any that have wanted to date me!

 

Or if they did, I never knew about it.

 

OP, why so sensitive about it?

 

No one said or even suggested a doctor is "better" than a musician, hardly.

[figureitout23]

Yep, and we all know a doctor is a better person than a musician. Hands down.🙄 I think I’ve gotten all I need from this thread. Feel free to continue off topic. Thank you all for the helpful replies.🙂

 

I could never date you, your living arrangement at your age is admittedly a strike but the deal breaker is the chip you have on your shoulder.

 

Funny how a few people here are volunteering their opinion or judgment of my living situation. That’s not what I asked. I don’t care what you think about how I live and don’t want to hear your opinion about it. I’m asking how to broach the subject with people I’m dating. If you could stick to the subject, I’d greatly appreciate it. The little extra interjections are not needed or welcome. Thank you. :)

 

 

Case in point. Your insecurity is overwhelmingly evident, that'll turn a potential mate off way before your living arrangement will

[Hollyj]

No actually I am really into the creative types.

 

Artists, musicians, they hold a special appeal for me, I just haven't met any that have wanted to date me!

 

Or if they did, I never knew about it.

 

OP, why so sensitive about it?

 

No one said or even suggested a doctor is "better" than a musician, hardly.

 

 

This is his own issue.

[journeynow]

My question is this to the women who may be reading this; if you met a guy and liked him and were hitting it off and he told you he was renting a room at his mom's house, would this be a deal breaker for you? If yes, I know the reasons why. But if any of you answered no, then why

 

Funny how a few people here are volunteering their opinion or judgment of my living situation. That’s not what I asked. I don’t care what you think about how I live and don’t want to hear your opinion about it.

 

THREAD TITLE: "I'd like to hear women's opinions on this"

 

Well, that's a little confusing. You asked if it was a deal breaker, and I admit is slipped passed me that you only wanted to know why if people answered no. (But, if you've been around eNA for awhile, you've probably noticed that the way it works is people offer their perspectives, and you can't cherry pick how people answer.)

 

Anyway, NO, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. There are other things more important, and I'm pretty flexible about how people creatively make their lives work. Lifestyle, how you treat your mother, shared interests, mutual respect, how long you've been out of your last relationship, etc, all weigh in on if it would work. Over time, getting to know you, your mom, how your living situation works in the relationship, I might then decide it if it is detrimental to the relationship. But at the beginning, no, it would not be an automatic deal-breaker.

 

[Edit: Saying you'd like to hear women's opinions, then getting annoyed that they give it is a turn off, to be honest. If you don't want opions, don't start with that as the thread title.]

[jul-els]

No actually I am really into the creative types.

 

Artists, musicians, they hold a special appeal for me, I just haven't met any that have wanted to date me!

 

Or if they did, I never knew about it.

 

OP, why so sensitive about it?

 

No one said or even suggested a doctor is "better" than a musician, hardly.

 

Because the thread has devolved into reviewing all of the reasons why I or anyone else is deemed worthy of dating. I am aware of these criteria that are commonly held amongst most people. I, like the rest of you, have my own criteria as well. We all do. That was not the nature of my question in the OP. The original question has been more than answered and has now gone off in another direction. But, it’s human nature to judge. I get that. But it’s not why I posted so I signed off. Now this time I really am signing off. I think. It is kind of intriguing in a perverse sort of way, lol.

[SherrySher]

Well again, Jul-els, it's tough to answer from my point of view. Yeah I gave a no would not date, however, I've not seen you, I know very little, I've not spoken to you.

I think opinions change depending on if you see good qualities in that person in other respects.

Your living situation is a bit of a tough one, but not totally a put off.

If the right woman see's you and finds you attractive and get's on well with you and likes other things about you...who knows? And you said so yourself that your living arrangement isn't permanent.

Either way, I do wish you the best of luck.

Finding love is a rough go,..for anyone. You could have hundreds of women wanting to date you and none of them turn out to be "the one". Hang in there.

[Lola2210]

Wouldn't really work for me. I like my own space and if I were in a relationship it would be important we had space together as a couple. the idea of lots of other people being there would make me feel uncomfortable, especially if one of them were my partner's mum

[Batya33]

Because the thread has devolved into reviewing all of the reasons why I or anyone else is deemed worthy of dating. I am aware of these criteria that are commonly held amongst most people. I, like the rest of you, have my own criteria as well. We all do. That was not the nature of my question in the OP. The original question has been more than answered and has now gone off in another direction. But, it’s human nature to judge. I get that. But it’s not why I posted so I signed off. Now this time I really am signing off. I think. It is kind of intriguing in a perverse sort of way, lol.

 

I think you're confusing "judging" with "choosing not to date/get involved with" - most often two very different things. As you can see it's not "most people" who have that criteria but it might be "most" among women who are financially independent/stable plus looking for a marriage/family commitment and want their partner to be financially stable in what would work for a marriage/family. Not all women are looking for marriage and family.

[rubyspinks]

I agree with reinventmyself. You need to tell them exactly what you just told us without going in too deep and scaring them off. I think the most important point of this is that you are independent yourself and you don't rely on your mum. You renting a room at your mums house makes sense in both you and your mums situation so why not?

 

You may want to think about what you would do if you met someone and they wanted to move out with you though, I'm not sure I would feel comfortable enough to move into my boyfriends mums house. But all in all I think what you are doing is sensible and if you tick all the other boxes then I don't think it's an issue. Just bring it up on a date or maybe before you even meet her and put it across in the way you did to us

[Sportster2005]

A good match won't care. Someone who isn't a good match, will never understand. All you can do is tell the truth about your situation. It's irrelevant if it's reasonable to other women. It is your reality, they can accept it or not.

[Batya33]

A good match won't care. Someone who isn't a good match, will never understand. All you can do is tell the truth about your situation. It's irrelevant if it's reasonable to other women. It is your reality, they can accept it or not.

To me that's a truism - it depends what it means to be a good match. Obviously a woman who isn't comfortable with his living situation and financial values by definition wouldn't be a good match. I also don't agree that it's his reality set in stone. Many people make changes in their lives in order to increase their "dating pool' as well as for self-improvement or just to change things up.

[annie24]

I will move elsewhere when that day comes if not beforehand. I am not dependent on my mother or any family member or anyone else for any aspect of my life. I take care of myself. 100%. I always have. But this is the stigma I face when it comes to dating. I will have to meet a lot of women before I find one who is both ok with it and I have chemistry with. And that's fine. Good things are worth the wait. And if I don't find her that's fine too. I'm perfectly happy with my life as it is. Having someone to love would just put the icing on the cake.

 

I think you just have to keep looking. Some women will be ok with it, some won't. Maybe you will meet a woman and her ex-husband was a rich jerk, so maybe she would be happy to have a supportive boyfriend who is renting a room?

 

If I were you - I would probably frame the situation to you dates that you live with your mom to help her out (financially and also chores around the house, maintenance, etc....) assuming that you do those things.

[annie24]

One more thing - Kind of morbid - but are you inheriting the house when she passes away? Do you have siblings who are splitting the house? That's something to think about - will you keep having renters too to keep paying the real estate taxes?

[superfan]

You say you "know the reasons" why some women would find it a deal breaker and then turn around and claim those women would turn you down because of your "bank account".

 

That isn't it at all. It has nothing to do with how much you make, but about how well you are able to function as an adult. As an adult I have my own space, I have a job, can pay my bills and do not rely on someone else to care for me.

 

A woman looking to date you is looking for a partner, not a dependent. Having your own space is extremely important both for reasons of privacy and to be able to show that you are capable of living your own life and taking care of yourself.

 

As for how to tell them, I have no idea. I can't imagine that kind of information will ever sound like a plus.

[Juha]

Jul-els Sorry to hear about the struggle to find a good women. I don't know where you live but if you are in or near a big city your financial and living situation

will pretty much scare off all women. Unfortunately in and around big cities it's pretty much all about the money.

 

With your financial and living situation it is going to be very, very difficult to find a good, stable woman for a relationship.

If you don't have the money you will not get many women interested in dating you and more than likely the one or two you do get won't be of the level you would probably be looking for to have a relationship with...

 

I wish you luck

[macdonner]

My deal breaker would be getting involved with someone directly out of a relationship

 

Simply this!!