docmike Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Greetings eNotAlone crew! Thanks for reading this. I'm not normally one to do this sort of thing, but I've had a problem lately that I can't really get it figure out. I have a female friend. She's considerably younger (15 years), and I met her when I was teaching a class she took in college. She's since graduated, and we kept in touch. I've been a freind/mentor; helping her with decisions about grad school, job questions (resume building and interview strategies), etc. And over time I was able to help with some more personal stuff (relationships, etc.) And over time, we've grown close. Nothing hinky, mind you. No romance, and I've been transparent about the friendship with my wife. No problems. It was mostly text, with occasional calls. She has a history of trust issues, and I knew that and did what I could to respect it. And I always, always treated her courteously, and reinforced that I was her friend and would be there for her if she needed it. She was grateful, and said she would be in a darker place without me and was very glad I was her friend. We talked about many things, from job and career to favorite food and movies. Nothing seemed off limits or uninteresting, and I admit I enjoyed talking to her. Then out of the blue, with no warning, she clammed up. I reached out and simply said I noticed she was being very quiet suddenly, and wanted to know if everything was okay. She was having some success in dating and i encouraged that (she was just getting over a very difficult breakup). I even asked if having a potential new boyfriend was a problem for her; that if she wasn't comfortable having a guy friend while dating I would totally understand. She said no, that wasn't a problem. But she just stopped talking. I know she was having a hard time and worried about things, and I was worried. Still am, actually. But she kept not responding or talking, so I finally just said what was on my mind...that it felt like she was pulling away, and that I could respect that but really felt like I deserved an explanation. Did I do something wrong? If not, was there something I could do? And if she wanted space, to say so and I'd give it. The only response I got was that she wanted distance and "did not wish to discuss it." So she answered me, I guess, but it's so out of character for her to NOT want to talk. I've respected her wishes and not contacted her since. Thing is, I'm still worried given the situation and stress she was under, and I still don't understand what happened. I figure it's one of three things: 1: It really is the boyfriend, and I was sort of filling in that guy attention role while she didn't have one...now that she's working on it and feeling positive, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. In short, she doesn't "need me". Which is okay, but I'd kind of like to know. 2: Somehow, some way, I did something to hurt her so badly that she did a complete 180 in our relationship. From talking daily and being close, to demanding distance without any hint why. I honestly do not know what I could have done. There was no acrimony, arguing, or anything of the sort. It was literally all good and fine one minute, then the next I'm cut completely off. 3: She was never really my friend at all. She enjoyed the help and attention I gave her, and no longer needs or wants it. I'll admit to not being the best at reading people. But if you'd told me a week before this happened that it would, I'd have bet my house she would never do this. So...what should I do here? I'm respecting her wish to give her space. But a couple things bother me. First, relationships are supposed to be two way. If you can't open up about problems or try to fight for a friendship, well, that's pretty poor. Second, how am I supposed to feel about this? Part of me is worried about her; she was struggling. And part of me misses talking to her. And honestly, part of me is angry about how this was handled. Didn't I deserve SOME kind of explanation? Anything at all? So what do I do? Should I try to reach out again? Do I tell her other friends that I'm worried, knowing she'd be furious if I did, and NOT knowing what the problem is? Do I just let it go and forget it? I kind of know the answer, but I'm curious if anyone else has ever gone through anything like this. It's saddening. I don't open up to other people often, and it frankly hurts that this happened. Okay, enough grousing and whining for now. Any thoughts would be appreciated! Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.