So why is my female friend (not a girlfriend!) suddenly not speaking to me?

[docmike]

Greetings eNotAlone crew! Thanks for reading this.

 

I'm not normally one to do this sort of thing, but I've had a problem lately that I can't really get it figure out. I have a female friend. She's considerably younger (15 years), and I met her when I was teaching a class she took in college. She's since graduated, and we kept in touch. I've been a freind/mentor; helping her with decisions about grad school, job questions (resume building and interview strategies), etc. And over time I was able to help with some more personal stuff (relationships, etc.) And over time, we've grown close. Nothing hinky, mind you. No romance, and I've been transparent about the friendship with my wife. No problems. It was mostly text, with occasional calls.

 

She has a history of trust issues, and I knew that and did what I could to respect it. And I always, always treated her courteously, and reinforced that I was her friend and would be there for her if she needed it. She was grateful, and said she would be in a darker place without me and was very glad I was her friend. We talked about many things, from job and career to favorite food and movies. Nothing seemed off limits or uninteresting, and I admit I enjoyed talking to her.

 

Then out of the blue, with no warning, she clammed up. I reached out and simply said I noticed she was being very quiet suddenly, and wanted to know if everything was okay. She was having some success in dating and i encouraged that (she was just getting over a very difficult breakup). I even asked if having a potential new boyfriend was a problem for her; that if she wasn't comfortable having a guy friend while dating I would totally understand. She said no, that wasn't a problem.

 

But she just stopped talking. I know she was having a hard time and worried about things, and I was worried. Still am, actually. But she kept not responding or talking, so I finally just said what was on my mind...that it felt like she was pulling away, and that I could respect that but really felt like I deserved an explanation. Did I do something wrong? If not, was there something I could do? And if she wanted space, to say so and I'd give it.

 

The only response I got was that she wanted distance and "did not wish to discuss it."

 

So she answered me, I guess, but it's so out of character for her to NOT want to talk. I've respected her wishes and not contacted her since. Thing is, I'm still worried given the situation and stress she was under, and I still don't understand what happened. I figure it's one of three things:

 

1: It really is the boyfriend, and I was sort of filling in that guy attention role while she didn't have one...now that she's working on it and feeling positive, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. In short, she doesn't "need me". Which is okay, but I'd kind of like to know.

 

2: Somehow, some way, I did something to hurt her so badly that she did a complete 180 in our relationship. From talking daily and being close, to demanding distance without any hint why. I honestly do not know what I could have done. There was no acrimony, arguing, or anything of the sort. It was literally all good and fine one minute, then the next I'm cut completely off.

 

3: She was never really my friend at all. She enjoyed the help and attention I gave her, and no longer needs or wants it.

 

I'll admit to not being the best at reading people. But if you'd told me a week before this happened that it would, I'd have bet my house she would never do this.

 

So...what should I do here? I'm respecting her wish to give her space. But a couple things bother me.

 

First, relationships are supposed to be two way. If you can't open up about problems or try to fight for a friendship, well, that's pretty poor.

 

Second, how am I supposed to feel about this? Part of me is worried about her; she was struggling. And part of me misses talking to her. And honestly, part of me is angry about how this was handled. Didn't I deserve SOME kind of explanation? Anything at all?

 

So what do I do? Should I try to reach out again? Do I tell her other friends that I'm worried, knowing she'd be furious if I did, and NOT knowing what the problem is? Do I just let it go and forget it? I kind of know the answer, but I'm curious if anyone else has ever gone through anything like this. It's saddening. I don't open up to other people often, and it frankly hurts that this happened.

 

Okay, enough grousing and whining for now. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

[journeynow]

...But she just stopped talking. I know she was having a hard time and worried about things, and I was worried. Still am, actually. But she kept not responding or talking, so I finally just said what was on my mind...that it felt like she was pulling away, and that I could respect that but really felt like I deserved an explanation. Did I do something wrong? If not, was there something I could do? And if she wanted space, to say so and I'd give it.

 

The only response I got was that she wanted distance and "did not wish to discuss it."

 

 

...So...what should I do here? I'm respecting her wish to give her space. But a couple things bother me.

 

Give her space, including in your thoughts. Trust her to make her own choices, and trust yourself that you are fine, there is nothing you need to do here.

 

Confronting people, demanding explanations, claiming you deserve something from them, when they want space, does not generally go over well.

[shessofly]

Acknowledge that she is an adult and can and will reach out to whomever she chooses if/when she feels she needs to. And to one of your points, maybe you were more invested in the friendship than she was. No, I would not reach out and push for answers. Just let it go. She's a big girl, she got by before you and will continue to manage her way through life.

[goodkatherine]

Hello. I'm sorry to hear about your problem. Personally I have not experinaced a situation like this before, but if I was in your shoes I would give her some space. Maybe a few days or a week or two. She may be going through something that she may not want you to know about( as in something really personal). She may be busy and not have any time to talk?. ( which kinda sounds like a bad excuse, but it can happen). You said she was in a new relationship, that could be a major reason why she is cutting you off cause her boyfriend may be jelious, or worried that your taking his place. In a relationship both partners want to be what you were to her. I hope she wasnt pressured ( like her new boyfriend telling her that she couldn't keep any friends). I have to ask, was there any romantic feelings that you or her may have towards each other? Maybe she is starting to feel that way and thinks its best to cut ties with you since your married. I'm a girl so I can understand how that would make her feel that way. Funding a respectful and considered man who is smart and could support a family can be hard. Maybe she is starting to have feelings for you, but the age difference may be a problem and you being already married could have a effect. Like I said I have never experinaced this so I'm only going on some of my past experinaces and my knowledge of relationships and the differences between male and female. Hope I helped in anyway. Good luck! Keep is peaceful ✌

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she's outgrown your teacher/mentor role and now wants to be with her peers.

[docmike]

Thanks for the reply!

 

Those are all things I thought about, and you bring up an interesting point; the romantic feelings. I don't THINK so; I mean, it never really came up. But I suppose it could explain some things. She always had the same troubles you mention (finding a smart, employed, respectful and considerate man seems to have been very hard for her). I always treated her respectfully and considerately, and I know she appreciated it. So maybe that's it, but I dunno. Just wish she would have talked to me and we could have worked it out.

 

I haven't reached out and won't be. I said I'd respect her wishes, and I meant it. And in my last message where I said that, I said I wished her every happiness and success and reiterated I was proud of her accomplishments and believed she would reach her other goals. I also said that I was here if she needed it, and would always be her friend. Tried to leave things on a positive note. My comments about feeling hurt or wanting an explanation are just internal feelings, you know? I wouldn't say those things to her, unless we talked honestly about it (I think you have to be truthful in relationships if you want them to thrive, even if the truth isn't easy to say or hear).

 

Anyway, thanks for the insight. Very helpful!

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry but this comes across like a friendship turned into full blown emotional affair.....thus your emotional reaction, desire to confront, etc. You are behaving not like a friend but like a boyfriend who just got dumped.

 

In the context of friendship, if a friend tells you that they are dealing with some stuff and need space or won't be available much, you simply shrug, tell them you are there for them if they need you and go about your life as normal. You don't confront them, you don't agonize about what you might have done wrong, etc. You take them at face value and get on with the rest of your life and focus on other friends.

 

Ultimately, she is indeed a grown adult perfectly capable of handling her own life. If your friendship is no longer a priority for her for whatever reason, she is certainly welcome to move away from it. Your reaction is.....well.....not quite appropriate for just a friend. I kind of feel sorry for your wife. You've been dishonest about what you are doing with this woman to your wife and perhaps to yourself. This emotional intimacy and energy should be spent on your marriage NOT women outside of it.

[DanZee]

You're acting like you were dating her and she broke up with you and you sent her a have a good life message. Being 15 years younger than you, she might have had a crush on you, and you were helpful to her, but why do you think you have a place in her life? She's got a boyfriend now and the relationship between you seems kind of creepy. In fact, the boyfriend might have pointed it out. Why are you pursuing her like this?

 

You didn't mention her age, only the age gap, so I'm wondering how old is she? You may be assuming she's mature enough to handle an adult friendship, but she might be be unduly influenced by your apparent power and status over her, especially since you were her teacher. She may have issues with low self-esteem and emotional immaturity. There may be a lot more going on here in terms of influence and authority than you've realized

 

Anyways, to get to the point, stop contacting her and leave her alone. If she has a problem she may reach out to you in the future, but act professionally and stop initiating contact with her. You have too much of an advantage over her and she may be feeling like you're trying to control her, whether you're doing that or not.

[docmike]

She's not 15; I can see how that wasn't clear. What I mean was that she is 15 years younger than me. She's 32.

 

I haven't contacted her and won't be. I just can't quite get what changed so quickly, is all. And given that she was struggling with some stuff, I'm concerned for her. That's all, really. I mean, I do miss talking with her but was perfectly willing to move on if it's what she wanted and could explain why. But nothing like that happened. It was very strange.

[DancingFool]

She's not 15; I can see how that wasn't clear. What I mean was that she is 15 years younger than me. She's 32.

 

I haven't contacted her and won't be. I just can't quite get what changed so quickly, is all. And given that she was struggling with some stuff, I'm concerned for her. That's all, really. I mean, I do miss talking with her but was perfectly willing to move on if it's what she wanted and could explain why. But nothing like that happened. It was very strange.

 

15 or 32, doesn't change the fact that your friendship with her and your emotional intensity and attachment sure seem to have inappropriate overtones........ There is nothing strange about people outgrowing a friendship and moving on.....but in your case....it just doesn't come across like a normal friendship in the first place. You really are acting like a boyfriend who just got dumped.

[DanZee]

I'm sorry. I was in the process of editing my comment when you posted. I misread the part about the 15 years age gap. I think the rest of the comment still applies.

[Capricorn3]

This sounds like a lot more than "friendship" on YOUR part. You come across as way too emotionally invested and it is so obvious. She doesn't owe you any explanation. You are the teacher. She was a student. Course is over. She has a boyfriend and is living her life.

 

Here's your answer: "She was never really my friend at all. She enjoyed the help and attention I gave her, and no longer needs or wants it."

 

Focus on your wife.

[journeynow]

 

Focus on your wife.

oops. I missed the part where he has a wife. Yes, I agree, you sound perhaps overly emotionally invested, being "there for her" and feeling owed an explanation and helping her with relationships, and all. Maybe she felt it might be an emotional affair, and decided she needed to back off or spend her energy elsewhere.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though you may have been overly invested and it made her uncomfortable. If that's the case, it wouldn't make sense to expect an explanation--she's too uncomfortable to give you one.

[boltnrun]

I presume you've discussed this situation with your wife. I also presume you all have interacted at some point, dinner or whatever.

 

She probably has some valuable feminine insight. What is her take or opinion?