Broke up with gf

[boltnrun]

That's the part that I don't get any gratification from it but part of it probably stems from me being adopted.

 

I know the girl with the kid who's father left I thought of myself I could have grown up with no father if I hadn't been adopted and the fact that because of it I could never leave my own kids.

 

But she's not your kid. She's an adult with her own parents who should be fully capable of assisting her with her difficulties. Instead of roping you in and trying to get you to do what she (and they) should be doing.

[AloneNoMore]

But she's not your kid. She's an adult with her own parents who should be fully capable of assisting her with her difficulties. Instead of roping you in and trying to get you to do what she (and they) should be doing.

That's the part that's on me and I know I have to stop accepting the role of fixer.

 

Each time though I'm noticing it sooner and sooner in each relationship so that I don't drag out that responsibility.

 

I'd say 8/10 girls I've met that I haven't dated but approached about dating have open talked about being in a verbal or physical relationship previously during our discussions and those I quickly just walked away.

[boltnrun]

Next time her parents ask you to meet to discuss her, say no! They shouldn't be meeting with you having "what should we do about OUR daughter" conversations with her ex! That's very inappropriate.

 

Sounds like they're trying to shove their problem (her) onto you. And that's wrong on their part.

[AloneNoMore]

Next time her parents ask you to meet to discuss her, say no! They shouldn't be meeting with you having "what should we do about OUR daughter" conversations with her ex! That's very inappropriate.

 

Sounds like they're trying to shove their problem (her) onto you. And that's wrong on their part.

I think this recent ones parents like they said they knew she was emotionally damaged and they knew once she dated she would have problems.

 

I'm the 2nd guy outside of the 7 year guy that abused her that she's ever dated or brought around.

 

I think from their side they see this great guy and maybe they think I can be the one to make all her issues go away.

[DancingFool]

You keep pointing out how these women have a high end job, career, etc. It comes across almost like you are so focused on what they do for a living, you are making this false assumption that someone who is professionally successful will necessarily be sane and good relationship material. Looking at your dating history, you should now know that the two are not connected. Someone professionally successful can be bat shaite crazy.....often is in fact....... Try paying less attention to their career and more attention to the person in front of you and who she actually is. I promise you that crazy slips out of the bag way way way faster than several months into a relationship.

 

As for this girl.....please stop answering her texts and questions. You are yourself now crossing boundaries and getting involved where you shouldn't be. You really shouldn't be telling her what her parents think, what her friends think, etc. It's wrong of you. Wish her well and stop. Should have never agreed to meet with her parents to discuss her either. You can't control what they do, but you do choose what you do and how you respond. Even if you walked into that innocently enough, the moment that you realized where they are leading, you could have easily but firmly excused yourself and left. It's not rude to be firmly enforcing your boundaries and refusing to participate in something messed up.

[beebs82]

Trust your gut! She's completely missing the whole point anyway! She was being shady and not transparent. I commend you for staying true to yourself. She sounds manipulative.

[boltnrun]

Do you WANT to be in the role of rescuer of her?

 

Seems like you're defending the choice to "help" her.

 

What is your end goal? Do you think if you "fix" her, you two can get back together and have a successful, forever relationship?

[AloneNoMore]

You keep pointing out how these women have a high end job, career, etc. It comes across almost like you are so focused on what they do for a living, you are making this false assumption that someone who is professionally successful will necessarily be sane and good relationship material. Looking at your dating history, you should now know that the two are not connected. Someone professionally successful can be bat shaite crazy.....often is in fact....... Try paying less attention to their career and more attention to the person in front of you and who she actually is. I promise you that crazy slips out of the bag way way way faster than several months into a relationship.

 

As for this girl.....please stop answering her texts and questions. You are yourself now crossing boundaries and getting involved where you shouldn't be. You really shouldn't be telling her what her parents think, what her friends think, etc. It's wrong of you. Wish her well and stop. Should have never agreed to meet with her parents to discuss her either. You can't control what they do, but you do choose what you do and how you respond. Even if you walked into that innocently enough, the moment that you realized where they are leading, you could have easily but firmly excused yourself and left. It's not rude to be firmly enforcing your boundaries and refusing to participate in something messed up.

So the parents and friends thing she wanted to know what my parents thought of her and what my friends thought of her not what her friends or parents thought.

 

It appears she needs some self validating or something and wants to know what others think of her.

 

As far as career I don't seek out anyone of any profession or career level. It just happens since I normally date in my circles and that's what it tends to be.

 

I don't care what someone I date does for a profession though honestly they could be a cashier or mow lawns for a living.

 

I do agree subconscious probably I did look at them as they walked around very confident and strong that there wasn't any baggage or nothing too serious.

[AloneNoMore]

Trust your gut! She's completely missing the whole point anyway! She was being shady and not transparent. I commend you for staying true to yourself. She sounds manipulative.

My gut still says I made the right choice hands down to walk away.

 

Then there is the part that I probably am allowing myself to be walked over to where if she saw the mistake and it didn't happen again I'd give it another go. I know this thinking I'm just setting myself up for failure most likely as if she is this shady 3 months in but at same time is talking to me about being a family, wanting kids, and all this future stuff that it will only continue down the road.

[AloneNoMore]

Do you WANT to be in the role of rescuer of her?

 

Seems like you're defending the choice to "help" her.

 

What is your end goal? Do you think if you "fix" her, you two can get back together and have a successful, forever relationship?

So she has alot of good qualities outside of this that would make her a great partner but do those qualities outweigh this type of behavior and can she get over this behavior if given another try.

 

That's where my mind is. I left to give her a wake up call but I can honestly say I don't think she still sees it.

[boltnrun]

But the question is, do those qualities exist only in her? Do her unhealthy actions and behaviors cancel out the good qualities?

 

Seems that you would have to accept the bad with the good.

 

As for the "wake up call", breaking up thinking it will motivate someone to "change" seldom works. They may beg and cry and promise to "change", but if change isn't motivated by the person on their own (rather than promising to change to "keep" someone) it almost never lasts.

 

I think you could find a woman you don't have to "fix" who has the same good qualities.

[DancingFool]

So the parents and friends thing she wanted to know what my parents thought of her and what my friends thought of her not what her friends or parents thought.

 

It appears she needs some self validating or something and wants to know what others think of her.

 

As far as career I don't seek out anyone of any profession or career level. It just happens since I normally date in my circles and that's what it tends to be.

 

I don't care what someone I date does for a profession though honestly they could be a cashier or mow lawns for a living.

 

I do agree subconscious probably I did look at them as they walked around very confident and strong that there wasn't any baggage or nothing too serious.

 

Yeah, that's what I was getting at. Somewhere subconsciously you are probably making that connection that professional success must equal relationships success or at least it makes you feel comfortable and thus potentially blind to early warning signs. Could very well be that you are failing to differentiate between true and false confidence or falling for false charm.

 

The rest, doesn't matter her parents, your parents, etc. It's still inappropriate. Just because she is asking inappropriate questions, doesn't mean you respond.

 

Overall be careful with this idea that her parents contacted you because you are such a great guy. Could just as easily be because they see you as a potential doormat they can manipulate to their own ends. That goes for the various women too. Crazy usually goes for care taker types, aka someone they see as a doormat, someone they can use and manipulate. So something about you very likely gives off that vibe even though it's not accurate.

[boltnrun]

I think her parents see you as someone they can dump their problem daughter on. So they don't have to deal with it.

 

Not cool.

[AloneNoMore]

But the question is, do those qualities exist only in her? Do her unhealthy actions and behaviors cancel out the good qualities?

 

Seems that you would have to accept the bad with the good.

 

As for the "wake up call", breaking up thinking it will motivate someone to "change" seldom works. They may beg and cry and promise to "change", but if change isn't motivated by the person on their own (rather than promising to change to "keep" someone) it almost never lasts.

 

I think you could find a woman you don't have to "fix" who has the same good qualities.

Nope I've found bits and pieces in all of the ones I've dated and others have ones she doesn't.

 

That is the thing do I want to not only forgive but also settle.

 

I agree with the wake up call it was my hail Mary to see if she would invite me to introduce me to this friend or not on any level. She didn't she didn't even text or call that whole weekend until Sunday at 8pm. It was also my hail Mary to see how this weekend went and let her see reality.

[beebs82]

My friend's mother gave me very sound advice years ago. Things better be damn near perfect in the dating stage. Because it only gets harder. Dating is the fun part! No joint finances. No kids. Just having fun and connecting. If it's this hard now just imagine what it would be like down the road. She's showing you her true colors in all her glory. Actions speak louder than words. I think you just miss her. You are in withdrawal physically. But you are smart to use your head.

[AloneNoMore]

Yeah, that's what I was getting at. Somewhere subconsciously you are probably making that connection that professional success must equal relationships success or at least it makes you feel comfortable and thus potentially blind to early warning signs. Could very well be that you are failing to differentiate between true and false confidence or falling for false charm.

 

The rest, doesn't matter her parents, your parents, etc. It's still inappropriate. Just because she is asking inappropriate questions, doesn't mean you respond.

 

Overall be careful with this idea that her parents contacted you because you are such a great guy. Could just as easily be because they see you as a potential doormat they can manipulate to their own ends. That goes for the various women too. Crazy usually goes for care taker types, aka someone they see as a doormat, someone they can use and manipulate. So something about you very likely gives off that vibe even though it's not accurate.

I will say the 10 year I was definitely a door mat but we also had our first kid 2 months into dating but 10 years I handled verbal and physical abuse from her. If she could say it or throw it she did ( lamps, shoes , drawers, you name it) but I remained there for the kids until I noticed it was better to separate.

 

As far as vibes not sure what vibes but one thing you did make me notice is they are always the ones to shower with gifts. This recent girl for Xmas bought me a whole new wardrobe and other things ( easily $1k+) and the ex before that was all about showering. To me I thought it was a bit excessive especially since me and this recent girl we're only together for couple months at that point.

 

To me I didn't find joy in it because I live a pretty basic life I don't base joy of life off what material items I have or look for that. But I let them do it because I guess I assumed that's their choice and maybe one way to show their care.

[DancingFool]

I will say the 10 year I was definitely a door mat but we also had our first kid 2 months into dating but 10 years I handled verbal and physical abuse from her. If she could say it or throw it she did ( lamps, shoes , drawers, you name it) but I remained there for the kids until I noticed it was better to separate.

 

As far as vibes not sure what vibes but one thing you did make me notice is they are always the ones to shower with gifts. This recent girl for Xmas bought me a whole new wardrobe and other things ( easily $1k+) and the ex before that was all about showering. To me I thought it was a bit excessive especially since me and this recent girl we're only together for couple months at that point.

 

To me I didn't find joy in it because I live a pretty basic life I don't base joy of life off what material items I have or look for that. But I let them do it because I guess I assumed that's their choice and maybe one way to show their care.

 

OK, this is progress and there are more clues out there, more subtle ones.

 

Consider also how you are responding to inappropriate behavior - yield, give the benefit of the doubt, be passive, not assert your boundaries. Unless you specifically asked her to, then buying you a whole new wardrobe isn't nice or caring. It's actually controlling, disrespectful to you, and totally overstepping basic relationship boundaries and respect for each other. That pesky word respect keeps coming up because you are a grown man and not a pet toy to be dressed up how she wishes. Ditto for other showering with gifts types - your affection can't bought and anyone trying is a giant red flag.

 

Man or woman, when someone is coming onto to you hot and heavy, running over basic boundaries, trying to fast track or buy your attention and relationship status - RUN.

 

You might want to peruse some self help sections in your local bookstore for topics like boundaries, healthy relationship and healthy relationship boundaries, etc. It might help you to open your eyes more where you are going wrong in not noticing/interpreting bad behavior correctly. Assuming the best in people is all good and well until you assume so much that it leads to damaging your life and capacity for finding healthy relationships.

[AloneNoMore]

So she finally was real with herself.

 

So this guy that came down is her best friends ex husband. Her best friend cheated on him and married the guy she cheated on him with. The girl I was dating was with a guy for 7 years who during that 7 years cheated on her with a married woman and he's still messing with the married woman.

 

Well now I can walk away knowing what I already knew when I broke it off with her.

 

"**** came to NC just to see me. This has been years in the making. But the timing was never right. We spent the weekend together. We DID NOT have sex. But we do have feelings for eachother. It was always there. And him and I are very very compatible. He is exactly the type of man I want to spend my life with. I realized that I had to make a choice. Infact when I fought with you that Monday it was because I knew he was coming and I knew which way my heart was leaning. I can’t even explain what it is, but my choice is him. And I do care for you, but I owed myself this as he could have been the one. And turns out he is. I know you will be angry and say hurtful thing and tell your friends and parents and they will all hate me. I guess you really can’t understand the situation unless you’ve been in it. But that’s the truth. "

 

"There was no girlfriend he was coming with it was just something I came up with to make you not worry"

 

"I knew he was the one. I knew it from a long time ago. There was always something special about him. And I honestly I never thought he would ever be free. He will visit. He’s doing his last 2 semesters to be a nurse practitioner. After that we will figure it out. "

 

"I told you before. Can’t fight meant to be. And one should not resentful of it. It’s a beautiful thing. "

 

"***** is the male version of me pretty much. "

 

"Our kids will be gorgeous. Because I’ll be having them with a gorgeous man. "

[boltnrun]

Good riddance.

 

She lied to your face and then had the nerve to bombard you with messages telling you that YOU are making a mistake. She even wished you unhappiness!

 

She's just an awful person. Let her and Mr. Perfect go have their "gorgeous" babies. You are well rid of her.

[AloneNoMore]

Good riddance.

 

She lied to your face and then had the nerve to bombard you with messages telling you that YOU are making a mistake. She even wished you unhappiness!

 

She's just an awful person. Let her and Mr. Perfect go have their "gorgeous" babies. You are well rid of her.

What she was hoping to do was have me there in case the weekend didn't go as planned.

 

She also was hoping to keep the relationship with me going until he finished his 2 semesters but also see him on the side.

 

She's obviously worried to an extent in the 6 months he probably will either find someone up there or will end up deciding he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.

 

I know exactly how it will play out he's going through a divorce right now and he reached out to her. He basically just going through his phone to fill his time while he goes through this divorce.

 

If he really wanted to be with her he would have reached out well before this and tried to be with her.

 

Fantasy is all it is and she will end up hurt , lost, and alone in the future no doubt.

[boltnrun]

What she was hoping to do was have me there in case the weekend didn't go as planned.

 

She also was hoping to keep the relationship with me going until he finished his 2 semesters but also see him on the side.

 

She's obviously worried to an extent in the 6 months he probably will either find someone up there or will end up deciding he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.

 

I know exactly how it will play out he's going through a divorce right now and he reached out to her. He basically just going through his phone to fill his time while he goes through this divorce.

 

If he really wanted to be with her he would have reached out well before this and tried to be with her.

 

Fantasy is all it is and she will end up hurt , lost, and alone in the future no doubt.

 

It's good you realize this. Because when she reaches out to you when she's feeling lonely and insecure while he's away finishing school, you can tell her to stuff it.

[AloneNoMore]

It's good you realize this. Because when she reaches out to you when she's feeling lonely and insecure while he's away finishing school, you can tell her to stuff it.

Yep she saved me alot of hard work.

 

She even admitted the girlfriend name that she said was coming with him was actually the girlfriend name of my best friend and coworker.

 

I mean when she told me before the weekend he was bringing his gf and said the name I knew instantly she was lying.

 

She takes the Cake though lying to someone's face, using her own bfs best friends gfs name as a cover-up to a fake girlfriend of this "friend". Telling me she won't be in touch the whole weekend. I mean I feel for the other guy entering into someone who was so blatant and like they say this won't be the first time she does this.

 

I thought I had seen it all with my past relationships but she set probably the lowest standard she makes the others look like saints.

 

Good thing is I caught it and I know my instincts and guts can see through it.

 

In the end she did a horrible job of trying to cover her tracks and for that I thank her she saved me alot of time and work.

[boltnrun]

Forewarned is forearmed.

 

It's actually amusing how she shot herself in the foot. Because when she sends you that boo hoo, poor me text because he hasn't replied to her texts in a couple of days, you'll already know why she's doing it. And it ain't because she LOVES and MISSES you so much! Once he finally replies to her text she'll vanish, until the next time she wants to use you.

 

How do I know this? Because my ex, who cheated on me and then dumped me via email for the girl he cheated on me with, used to call me every.single.time they fought. Suddenly he missed me so much! And no one understood him the way I did! And he'd really love to see me! Then, the next day or so, the girlfriend would come crawling back around and I wouldn't hear a peep from him. Until the next fight. Fortunately I was on to him, so I started saying "Oh, so you and A are fighting again, huh?" and he'd hem and haw and try to say "No! I just wanted to talk to you! Jeez, why so hostile?" And then he'd run off like the little using coward he is. I got sick of his stupid games so I blocked him. I don't need that BS in my life. And neither do you.

[AloneNoMore]

Forewarned is forearmed.

 

It's actually amusing how she shot herself in the foot. Because when she sends you that boo hoo, poor me text because he hasn't replied to her texts in a couple of days, you'll already know why she's doing it. And it ain't because she LOVES and MISSES you so much! Once he finally replies to her text she'll vanish, until the next time she wants to use you.

 

How do I know this? Because my ex, who cheated on me and then dumped me via email for the girl he cheated on me with, used to call me every.single.time they fought. Suddenly he missed me so much! And no one understood him the way I did! And he'd really love to see me! Then, the next day or so, the girlfriend would come crawling back around and I wouldn't hear a peep from him. Until the next fight. Fortunately I was on to him, so I started saying "Oh, so you and A are fighting again, huh?" and he'd hem and haw and try to say "No! I just wanted to talk to you! Jeez, why so hostile?" And then he'd run off like the little using coward he is. I got sick of his stupid games so I blocked him. I don't need that BS in my life. And neither do you.

Sounds just like this one she is so concerned of me hating her. She kept up with the I care for you, I love you, why would you just leave me even after she just told me the truth.

 

Funny part I told her I'm not mad because I knew all along and she showed her true character. I even told her she really sucks at cheating.

 

She even after all this asked if she could hang out with my kids.

 

I don't get the guys/girls who think we'll they cheated to be with me they won't cheat with me.

[boltnrun]

Are you still keeping in contact with her?