My husband and I can’t come to an agreement on what in inappropriate in our marriage.

[SaraJane99]

I don't think you're unreasonable expecting him not to go to parties where he's going to do drugs when he was an addict. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that your husband's not going to nudie parties. I just don't get the point of bachelor and bachelorette parties like that in the least . And then lies about the fact that he said he was .

 

He has done that before but not to frequently. Maybe the year leading up to our marriage is when he started to gradually become dishonest about things. And yea it’s not just him planning those things on the trip that caused me to loose trust. I also have caught him in a few lies. Most small lies but there was one lie he told me a year and half ago that I still have trouble getting over. Long story short my Dad and step mom were in a terrible motorcycle accident and my Dad was in ICU. My step Mom was released from the hospital but I was having to take off work to stay and take care of her all while driving back and forth to the hospital to get my 5 mins of visiting time with my Dad. At the time hunting season had just started and he had a hunting club he spent a lot of time at that was a 2 hr drive from home. The day after the accident I knew he had been planning to go up there and I asked him to please stay in town just in case my Dad took a turn for the worst, and also because I wanted him to be there for me. He looked me in the eye that morning and told me he was going to help his brother with a house project that day but would be in town in case I needed him. After he left his Mom let it slip that him and his brother actually did leave that morning to go hunting. I talked to him several times that day asking how the “house project” was going and telling him how hard it was dealing with all this, I was trying to give him the opportunity to fess up, but he never did. He just lied to me all day knowing what a hard time I was going through with my family. He apologized over and over again once I confronted him and promised he would never lie to me again. But since then, that and all the other little things have made me feel he does love me but doesn’t care about making me a priority when it matters.

 

I wasn’t planning to add all that to this thread, but I guess to defend myself a little, that is most of the reason I have developed trust issues with him. I just didn’t plan to add those facts because I don’t want people judging me for staying with someone who treats me this way. Like I said, the lying isn’t very frequent, and most of the time he is an amazing husband who does a great job of caring for me. I just suppose I’ve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his. Hence why I worry if I go on the trip he will take that as his free pass to go do something in the future that he knows I won’t be comfortable with.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I wasn’t planning to add all that to this thread, but I guess to defend myself a little, that is most of the reason I have developed trust issues with him. I just didn’t plan to add those facts because I don’t want people judging me for staying with someone who treats me this way. Like I said, the lying isn’t very frequent, and most of the time he is an amazing husband who does a great job of caring for me. I just suppose I’ve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his. Hence why I worry if I go on the trip he will take that as his free pass to go do something in the future that he knows I won’t be comfortable with.

 

These are important details and it does change things somewhat.

 

I just suppose I’ve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his.

 

My ex h was very much like this. He would twist the truth for his benefit. I too overlooked it because the issues he told `lil white lies' about didn't

seem significant and overall he was good to me. (or at least he was)

But these things do add up and you do start to feel like you are walking on shaky ground.

And when you feel insecure you tell yourself that maybe you are just paranoid, after all, for the most part, he's such a great guy.

 

But the problem with this is when it matters the most, such as the issue you brought up, you can't trust him.

Liars. . even the type like your husband don't really discriminate.

 

"Oh, he only lies about little things. Not big things"

 

He has the propensity to lie to you. Period. Trust is earned and easily lost.

 

As I write this and you are mentioning his patterns seem to be lying about his whereabouts. Is just limited to this particular subject or things in general?

Because this pattern coupled with you admitted insecurities seem to be a vicious cycle between the two of you that you both seem to contribute to.

[abitbroken]

I think her insecurities are warranted because he keeps lying.

 

You have every right to be concerned and draw a line in the sand about drug use and potential drug use. he's an addict. maybe at the point you met him he had been in some form of recovery - but apparently his desire to use and use it in this context is still there. You did draw a line in the sand - sort of - you suggested the wedding be postponed but you married him anyways. Addicts do learn the lying thing down pat.

 

 

He just lied to me all day knowing what a hard time I was going through with my family. H

 

That's really low for him to flat out lie to you about something like that. Its one thing if he said "you know, i am going anyways. Call me if anything changes and i will come". You could be mad at him for going - but at least he wouldn't have been lying.

 

Would he be open to any form of counseling to address why he feels he has to lie on the big things? I don't see this marriage surviving without it -- or you will just have a terribly codependent one where you decide to be the wife of the addict where you mop up after all his messes and dont care about what he does.

[SaraJane99]

These are important details and it does change things somewhat.

 

I just suppose I’ve become paranoid that my needs or feelings will never be a priority over his.

 

My ex h was very much like this. He would twist the truth for his benefit. I too overlooked it because the issues he told `lil white lies' about didn't

seem significant and overall he was good to me. (or at least he was)

But these things do add up and you do start to feel like you are walking on shaky ground.

And when you feel insecure you tell yourself that maybe you are just paranoid, after all, for the most part, he's such a great guy.

 

But the problem with this is when it matters the most, such as the issue you brought up, you can't trust him.

Liars. . even the type like your husband don't really discriminate.

 

"Oh, he only lies about little things. Not big things"

 

He has the propensity to lie to you. Period. Trust is earned and easily lost.

 

As I write this and you are mentioning his patterns seem to be lying about his whereabouts. Is just limited to this particular subject or things in general?

Because this pattern coupled with you admitted insecurities seem to be a vicious cycle between the two of you that you both seem to contribute to.

 

Typically the only lies he’s told has involved his length of time he tells me he will spend at the hunting club. Like telling me he will come home to help me with something but something ALWAYS comes up preventing him from doing what he said he would. However, I know he never intended to come back when he told me he did. Other than that it’s been about the things I already mentioned.

 

He once cared about what I did or where I went, not in a controlling way, he just cared in general. So when he told me he really doesn’t care if I go on this bachelorette trip, and he said “go have fun, get drunk with the girls and party, I trust you so I’m not worried about it”. That made me feel like complete crap because I do care about what he does.

 

I want so bad to talk to him about our boundaries in this marriage but it’s very difficult to bring up my trust issues with him because he now gets incredibly defensive if I mention it. I know he wants me to forgive him and stop bringing it up. And I haven’t mentioned it in a very long time. Only unless he tells me he’s going to do something and I brush it off because I know he’s full of it, he will then force me to tell him why I don’t believe him and when I tell him why he gets very upset with me.

 

So how should I approach this issue? We really need to talk because I need to know how it’s really going to effect our relationship if I go on this trip. I need to know I can truly trust that he is fine with me going and won’t try to take advantage of the situation in some way by going somewhere or doing something that will upset me. I don’t want either of us to be open to putting ourselves in situations that we get to drunk, etc. making it easy for something to go wrong where we unintentionally hurt the other.

How do I bring this conversation up to him? How can I know he’s not going to just tell me what I want to hear or get annoyed with me for even bringing it up?

 

Or better yet, how can I just make myself stop caring so much. At this point I just wish I could check out emotionally.

[SaraJane99]

I think her insecurities are warranted because he keeps lying.

 

You have every right to be concerned and draw a line in the sand about drug use and potential drug use. he's an addict. maybe at the point you met him he had been in some form of recovery - but apparently his desire to use and use it in this context is still there. You did draw a line in the sand - sort of - you suggested the wedding be postponed but you married him anyways. Addicts do learn the lying thing down pat.

 

 

He just lied to me all day knowing what a hard time I was going through with my family. H

 

That's really low for him to flat out lie to you about something like that. Its one thing if he said "you know, i am going anyways. Call me if anything changes and i will come". You could be mad at him for going - but at least he wouldn't have been lying.

 

Would he be open to any form of counseling to address why he feels he has to lie on the big things? I don't see this marriage surviving without it -- or you will just have a terribly codependent one where you decide to be the wife of the addict where you mop up after all his messes and dont care about what he does.

 

We went to premarital counseling not long after the big lie took place. But the counselor only told him what he did was wrong bc I had already lost someone I love. The lying wasn’t even addressed. She then told us we both have different personalities and when I say something I mean that is what I will do. And then told me that with him saying he will do something, he really isn’t flat out saying he will, he is saying probably. Which I thought was such crap. Then she proceeded to tell me I am a control freak and I needed to learn to relax.

 

At this point I haven’t tried telling him how unhappy I am in a very long time, because nothing ever changes plus I don’t want him making me feel like a nag. So I’m sure he’d be kinda blind sided if I told him out of the blue that I think we needed to go back to counseling and try someone else.

[Capricorn3]

OP, when you add everything together, between this thread and your previous threads, I think it would be fair to say there are a LOT of issues in your marriage, including him not trying in the bedroom. It is not only the issues stated in this thread, but a whole bunch of things and for only being married for a few months, it begs the question, did you not see ANY of this before you married him? Were there no signs at all? Of anything? It seems there were so many red flags and warning signs but you still went ahead and married him anyway. I don't understand it at all.

 

I can only strongly suggest marriage counselling if you want this marriage to survive because the way it stands right now, I highly doubt this will be a long lasting, happy, healthy or successful marriage.

[jimthzz]

I know that much of what people are saying to you makes you feel judged for your decisions. But what the folks here are doing is trying to help you.

 

As an outsider to your troubles, it appears to me that you seem to believe that you know of all the lying your guy does. But I think he hides much more than yo have discovered or that he has admitted to.

 

That whole episode of not wanting to be nearby when your father was ill is troubling. Saying he a working on a house with his brother, turns into going to a hunting club? and not even saying that either directly to you. I would question if there is something else going on. The hunting club sounds like a convenient catch-all excuse for "I'm doing things you won't like."

 

And an addict telling you he wants to do more drugs, then denying he said it? This alone would have me tossing such a person out.

 

You can love someone who is like that, but you are risking your own health and exposing yourself to potential danger, financial issues, theft, and legal trouble with someone who is using drugs. If he is injecting drugs you are at risk of contracting HIV if intimate with him.

 

I wish you the best and hope you figure this out.

 

But if it were me?

 

I'd be walking out the door.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately lies are like coach roaches. You may see some but there are plenty more hidden still. Do you think this approval is an opportunity for "while the cat's away the mice will play"?

he said “go have fun, get drunk with the girls and party, I trust you so I’m not worried about it”. That made me feel like complete crap because I do care about what he does.

[thealchemist]

Well I understand why you are trying to direct his behavior. It makes perfect sense to me.

 

The issue is that what you are doing is pointless. You can't control another as much as you would like to think you can.

 

You are obviously aware where this road of attempting to control him is going to lead.

 

It seems like you are just in a corner and see no way out other than trying to control him. The issue is that it will just backfire. One or both of you becoming resentful is very likely.

 

Plus if he wants to do these things he will, he just will cover it up better.

 

Sorry but if he can't\won't see the issue and continues to disregard and disrespect you then I see no other choice than divorse.

 

You can't do anything to fix a relationship with only half participation.

[abitbroken]

Here is what i am seeing - i think you thought if you were a faithful, good wife who loved her husband that you would get the same love, respect, etc from him and that is not working. I think that the reason why try to steer him is you are afraid to let go because if you do, you know he will hang with his own rope and that will mean that you may have to end the marriage and that's what you don't want to do. You want to hang on at all costs.

 

I think its easy for me to say "you knew he was an addict, so you knew what you were getting" but maybe you a bit naive or hopeful. He said 'all the right things" by telling you he wanted to get away from people who were associated with drugs - hence maybe moving away - but it was all just talk. He is not making new friends who shoot hoops with him or hunt or a business mentor or whatever he likes to talk about - he is going back to party with the old crowd.

 

I highly suggest that you set a boundary. Do not nag him. Just state "you can do as you please. i won't nag you, but if you take a drug or cheat, our marriage is over."

 

I don't take divorce lightly and i don't think you should threaten something just to threaten it (and you would say this calmly anyhow), but this man just doesn't care.

[reinventmyself]

I hate to project my own past experiences onto your situation, but I too would be concerned that if I went on the girls trip it would be used against me as well.

Because by the looks of things. .there is a good chance of it.

 

You need to get back bone, Girl! Pronto!

 

You can go on this trip and he can do his own thing. But you need to be assertive and confident when it comes to negotiating boundaries with him.

And, he might very well disappoint you. But keeping yourself both locked up isn't the answer. Someone is eventually going to break out.

 

Making this about your paranoia and him having no consequences for breaking your trust makes you a lion with no teeth.

 

I find it interesting it was only half way through before you gave us the entire picture. Because if you protect him and make this more about you, then that's

really the only thing you have control over. You can continue to attack this at different angles and turn yourself into a pretzel but it isn't going to change him and what he

does or how he handles. . himself.

 

And if you are dealing with someone who will twist boundaries to his benefit, become slippery and hide the truth from you, have a much larger problem on your hands.

Trying to stop him from going is futile. It doesn't change who he is, he just becomes better at learning how to work around you and lie.

 

I vote for counseling. . .

[Jibralta]

Not long after our conversation about the joint parties, I find he is planning a bachelor party behind my back in Vegas and when I asked him about what we talked about, he said his brother was planning it so it was out of his control and his brother was not thrilled of the joint parties ideas.

After arguing about this because I felt he lied to me about being on the same page regarding the issue, he then proceeded to tell me he just wanted one last night out with the guys to DO DRUGS and go to the club and party! Considering we have never done drugs in our relationship, I was really upset he would even tell me this thinking I wouldn’t care. Now I don’t know his friends well, but during this time his best friend was also planning a wedding the same week as ours and also planning a bachelor party in the Key West. Once again I had to FIND OUT about this one because his friend was blowing his phone up one morning while I was still in bed and he was in the shower.

 

Not cool that he went behind your back to plan these things.

 

I still stand in my beliefs that it’s a very bad situation for a married person to put themselves in a drunken/high situation at a club or strip club.

 

That's called common sense.

 

Well he completely blind sided me and then told me he honestly doesn’t care what I do. If I want to go party with the girls on the beach he isn’t worried about it.

 

Of course he's not. Women don't generally hire hookers for their bachelorette parties.

[Usa1ah]

You made clear your view on things. Your husband was trying to go behind your bad and do things that he knew would make you mad or even break your marriage up.

 

It sounds like he was putting a alcohol drug fueled weekend in front of you. No one would have known who f’ed who when or how many times. He was trying to do this with out you finding out. He is not the man your father is. Your husband doesn’t love or respect you you like your father does your mom.