How to win a girl from her "complicated relationship"?

[DarkShadows549]

There's this girl I really, really like that I met on facebook about a month ago. It just so happens she lives a few miles from me. I just recently started communicating with her. She works at a cosmetology school, so I thought it'd be a little flirtatious to make an appointment to have her cut my hair. This was how we officially "met". When we first made eye contact, she kind of froze and just stared at me in awkward wonder. It was awkward at first, but we sort of got used to each other. Honestly, I was surprised to find that she and I are very much alike personality wise. We got to know each other a little bit as well. When I left she seemed really happy to have met me.

 

So a few days go by and I decide to text her and ask if she wants to go the movies with me (never once used the word date but you get the picture). She sadly told me she would but she's busy with school on that day. I told her to just let me know when she wanted to, and she said she would.

 

About an hour goes by and she confronts me about my question, asking me if it were a date or just a friend thing. When I said date, she gave the bad news....

 

Apparently, she's not wanting to date right now because she has something "complicated" going on with someone else right now. Then she goes on to explain that the boy is the one making it complicated, not her. They've been a thing for a little less than a month, from what I can gather.

 

The whole time she's telling me this it seems like she felt bad for letting me down. I appreciate that, but at the moment I just wanted to burst. I've been single for nearly a year since my last abusive relationship and I've been plagued by depression for years. I've faced more than a few rejections in the past, and I can tell you I'm not good at handling them. They break me.

 

But I kept it cool. Instead, I told her that I would be around and that I'd been single since April and it didn't look like that was changing anytime soon. That was the end of that conversation.

 

It's been a few days since the incident. We still continue to talk and play iMessage games and snapchat occasionally. But I just can't take that rejection.

 

This boy that she's with (I think I have a good idea who it is) is, according to her words, making things complicated.

 

So here's what I really want to say to her: "I'm just saying, I wouldn't want to waste time with someone who doesn't know what they want."

 

But I feel like that's the wrong thing to say...

 

This boy is clearly not 100% down for her or they wouldn't be "complicated" if you know what I mean? But I am 100% down. I'm even willing to watch all the Star Wars movies for the first time with her (pray for me).

 

I have never been this deeply infatuated by someone so fast. She's absolutely stunning. We share a lot of the same personality traits and interests. She's shy yet outgoing, and I just love everything about her (that I know of).

 

But there's this dude who wants to get in the way!

 

What do I do? I really hate competition, but I'm willing to compete for this girl. I just feel like she hasn't given me a chance. She's the type of person who doesn't like hurting people, so I'm afraid she won't want to hurt this dude either.

 

Are they even together if it's "complicated"??

 

And no, don't just tell there's plenty of fish in the sea. I am very picky, and it is very, very hard for me to find someone I'm this attracted to. There's gotta be a way to do this.

 

Just, I could be wrong but it seems like she really likes me but she also likes this dude and since she knows him more she wants to give him the chance over me. She doesn't want to hurt either of us.

 

I need some helpful advice, guys. No hate comments. Something that actually answers my question.

[DanZee]

I would say to get her to talk about her "complicated" boyfriend and see what's exactly going on. Is he stringing her along? Does he really have other girlfriends? If you can find out who it is, you can convince her that he's no good or tell her what he's into and give you a better chance.

[DarkShadows549]

I would say to get her to talk about her "complicated" boyfriend and see what's exactly going on. Is he stringing her along? Does he really have other girlfriends? If you can find out who it is, you can convince her that he's no good or tell her what he's into and give you a better chance.

 

Thanks for the helpful advice. How would I go about bringing this up though? It's been a few days and we haven't discussed anything of it since.

[mynameisneo]

My advice - don't do those things. If you're a good guy, not a nice guy that gets walked over (there's a BIG difference), and you believe in yourself, the value that you offer to a partner, and the value that you offer to a relationship, take a stand and be assertive about what you want.

 

You want to be with her. You can tell her without reading her a sales pitch why you're a great catch, you can demonstrate it by being a confident, chivalrous gentleman, and with other actions. You should also let her know that you have boundaries and your dating market value is high, but you won't put your life on hold for her.

 

You told her you've been single since April. This was fine, I guess. You told her your dating situation likely wouldn't change anytime soon. This is bad. You're essentially telling her "I have low dating market value". A better approach is to tell her the things above, as suggested (again, no sleazy sales pitch), act accordingly, and tell her you'd love to court her, see her and where things go, but you're not going to put your life on hold for her. Be polite about it but set those boundaries.

 

Girls appreciate confident men who know themselves and who will stand up when they're being challenged. Girls also love to be chased and courted. She's giving you the opportunity to do so, it sounds like. But she's playing hard to get. You can choose to play her game, and you could end up chasing her forever or until she tells you to go away.

 

Or you can say, in so many words "I'm really into you because of x, y, z. I think we have great chemistry and we'd be amazing together. Let's give it a shot and see where it goes. But if the timing's bad, that's totally fine. You came into my life and I got to meet this great, gorgeous girl, but maybe it wasn't meant to be. I'm looking for someone special, and I thought I found her, but if you're not her, life moves on and we'll be just fine. Let me know - in the meantime, I'll continue to have go out and have a good time, have fun, and I'll be thinking of you."

 

Also, don't enquire about the "complicated" boyfriend situation. You don't care. You're not competing with him. The race is always against yourself. She could have intense feelings for him and anything you say, from positive to negative, can cause her to be defensive and push away. He's irrelevant to you in this entire thing - this is literally how you have to treat it him. If she brings him up, say "I don't want to talk about him. I'm here with you, let's talk about you, us, things we like". You also risk being immediately friend zoned as a shoulder to cry on for her boyfriend issues.

 

Reading this, I would invest minimally here and act like "if it happens, it happens" - if at all. This is just me though. If a girl isn't emotionally ready to have a relationship, I generally thank them for the time we spent together, pay for dinner, etc., and move on like a gentleman. There is also the human psychological element of "less is more". The less you do, the more they wonder why you don't do more. Is it them? Should they do more? Do they risk losing a really good thing? Separation leads to anxiety leads to desire leads to obsession. Simple human psychology. The majority of people totally overcomplicate courtship and attraction when it's really easy:

 

- Be confident, not cocky or arrogant

- Be respectful, yet assertive

- Be chivalrous

- Be a gentleman

- Don't be afraid to take chances, based on the above guidelines. Who dares, wins

- Have clear boundaries of what you're willing to accept and what you're not

- Don't beg, come off being needy, say/do too much, a pushover. No one likes that in a relationship dynamic

- Match your level of emotional investment to the person you are courting

- Learn that it's good to be desired by others and be chased after yourself

- Absence makes the heart grow fonder. They have to have an opportunity to miss you and have space of their own to grow, this is a very healthy thing in any good relationship

- Most important: oftentimes less is more. Can't be overstated. Someone brilliantly said this on another thread: "If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong". It applies a LOT.

 

You don't have to play games - just be smart about what you're doing. There is nothing wrong with having a smart approach, and if your efforts don't pay off, you have less invested and you'll hurt a lot less as well. And you're doing yourself a disservice by keeping off the market waiting for one person. There are lots of beautiful, smart, passionate, caring and loving girls out there that are emotionally available and ready to date. Why would you rule them out?

 

HTH, good luck!!

[MissCanuck]

She's trying to let you down easy, my friend.

 

She sees that you're a good guy and it sounds as though she likes you well enough, but her heart and mind are with someone else. I have never told a guy I really like that I can't go out with him because I have a "complicated" situation with someone else. She isn't playing hard to get. She's just not interested in dating you at this time, to be honest.

 

That doesn't mean she won't have a change of heart, but for now, I wouldn't pursue this. Don't hang around too much in the FriendZone either. You can let her know you would love to take her out if and when she likes, but otherwise, step way back. It's not about competing with someone else. It's about recognizing that she obviously has feelings for him, and you don't need to prove your value to her. She isn't looking for signs that you're awesome; she's waiting for things to develop with someone else. Two different balls of wax.

 

Know your value, and behave accordingly.

[boltnrun]

She's not "playing hard to get". She's dating someone else, apparently someone she wants to continue dating.

[catfeeder]

I'd just tell her, "Sorry to hear about complicated guy. If you're ever free of him, over him and would like to date me, you can let me know. Otherwise, I wish you the best." Then I'd fly off of her radar.

 

Otherwise, you hang out in the friendzone and set yourself up to play amateur therapist to her BF problems--yuck. That's not a winning strategy except to position her to 'feel' disloyal to him. That another bummer, because then even if you win, you lose. You've positioned yourself in a front row seat to witness her disloyalty, and then the win would feel good for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that she owns the capacity for disloyalty, and you'll be the next one she's disloyal TO.

 

I'd skip that messy kid stuff, put your offer on the table and walk away. She knows how to reach you if she wants to.

[ShatteredMan]

Cat feeder, boltnrun and MissCanuck are right on the money.

 

If she was attracted to you to the point where she wanted a relationship with you over this guy, she'd find a way. For the time being, she's into him or has some form of attachment to him and she ain't ready to leave at this time.

 

You should disappear like a fart in the wind on her. If this situation is so complicated for her, it will unravel when it runs its course.