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My relationship ruined by alcohol and cocaine. All fun and games till someone gets addicted


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Let me start from the beginning, who I and my boyfriend are now are not who we were when we started dating 2 and half years ago. From day one we lived together because he had no where else to go. We met at the restaurant we both worked at and we instantly fell in love. We spent every day together, even while we were at work. About 3 months into our relationship I realized he was doing downers and we got him off of those. we got him the help he needed and things were back to normal. But then the beginning of last year we were partying A LOT. We had a four-bedroom house with two other roommates and we all partied. We all got into cocaine and we didn't stop, for months. Things were all fun and games until my boyfriend became extremely mad, upset, controlling. Not the person I had met at all. It only became worse the more we did it and the more alcohol we drank on cocaine. The liquor only made his aggression even worse. He never hit me, he could never do that to me but he grabbed me to the point of leaving marks, he shoved me and he said the meanest things. We knew we had to change but we couldn't. Every night he had an episode, he'd wake up the next morning a totally different person, sucking up, knowing he did wrong, saying he WANTED to change but he needed my help to do it. I was so far deep in it that I could no longer say no either and together we couldn't do it. After a year on it and thousands of dollars in debt because of it, we were starting to do better but the withdrawals were still making us fight almost every day. I came home this last weekend and got blackout drunk at my family Christmas where I had a mental breakdown and told them everything. I don't remember doing it at all and the next day I wasn't allowed to go back and they went and grabbed all my stuff from our apartment. I left and never returned, I didn't even get to say bye and the worst part is he never saw this coming. But I never saw it coming either, this wasn't my plan. My plan was to get through this together, we were always a team, especially since he was showing improvement. So much improvement.

We didn't see this coming because within the last month we have worked really hard on fixing our relationship and fixing us. We agreed we'd work on; no more cocaine, no more drinking, only getting better. He got a new job, we were going to start paying back our bills, we were going to start going to the gym, go hiking, anything to get our minds off of our withdrawals. This was the first month I actually believed him that things were going to change for the better because two weeks ago he quit his job at a bar where he was drinking every night and had easy access to cocaine or Adderall. He got accepted at a really good job that was going to keep him out of trouble and he did this all for me, to treat me better. This job was going to allow us to be away from each other every other week which was going to be great for us as far as our trust for each other went, as far as us being able to live a normal life since we had spent every day for two and half years side by side.

But I came home and I ruined his chance of changing for the better. I know it needed to happen because i need to fix myself too. I've been pretty depressed since stopping coke and i know I need to fix that for us to move forward because we both need to be happy but its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I still want to get in my car and drive back to him and pretend I never told anyone so we could actually try to get out of this hole we got ourselves in but I'm also not positive we could have done it alone. He touched me in a wrong way and people cant just forgive him for that.

Everyone knows him as this horrible monster and that's not how I wanted him to be seen at all, but that's how I saw him for a while. Now that I'm here and trying to finish my school, pay bills I still love him and I still want to be with him. The purpose of this forum is for me to get feedback on what people think. Is this relationship fixable if both of us get help or is it too far gone? We've been through a lot together and were happy for so long but is there any hope in everyone forgetting and forgiving or is it too damaged to go back to who we were two and half years ago. Am I nuts for wanting to go back to someone who touched me like that and emotionally wrecked me for a while or is it understanding that it was the drugs and liquor that made him that way? Is there hope he can still be the nice, compassionate person I first met?

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This is not new for him. The person you first met was a mirage. What you saw in the ensuing time is the real him. A sociopath who abuses himself, drugs and anyone and anything around him. Sociopaths are notoriously charming when they want something.

 

Why didn't have anywhere to go?

From day one we lived together because he had no where else to go.
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As someone that has experienced the horrors of addiction and the wonders of long term recovery, let me share some observations based on what I read:

 

1. You are not responsible for his decisions to use drugs and alcohol. No matter what your guilt and shame tells you. You do not have that kind of power over another human being.

2. Addicts can want really really badly to change for you, to get clean for you, to do the right thing because of you, but in the end the drugs are more powerful than any relationship.

3. If he is willing to stop using, get help, and stay clean he will stop being a horrible monster and become the wonderful person you and everyone else knows him to be.

4. I suggest that you take a long hard look at your own behaviors and stop focusing on his... this is classic co-dependency as a way to avoid taking responsibility and dealing with how you feel. Also.... you are using right along with him, getting blackout drunk with your family, and I am here to tell you... "normal" people (non-addicts) do not do such crazy things.

 

Trying to kick drugs without help is almost impossible. But with help, it is entirely possible. There are a number of different types of support available to those wiling to take that first step.

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What a mess. You are very unhealthy together! Your bf was physically and emotionally abusive. Your family did the right thing.

 

Has anyone considered getting into a 12 step program? You should also look into your co dependent ways. You cannot rescue him. Focus on your own addiction and stay away from this guy. There is no future!

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You should check out Al Anon or Narc Anon in your area or online to see if it's something that may help. I've been on both sides of the street, unfortunately, but am a stronger person for it. Addiction disgusts me and has taken away many of my former years and many loved and tortured friends from me way too young.

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