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Platonic friendship or a second chance?


Astrogirllibra
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Me and my ex that I met at work have been broken up for almost 4 months. NC the whole time except him texting me a week after my bday(a month after our break up) to apologize for not wishing me a happy birthday which I accepted. Since then we've somewhat become friends again. We started off as friends, until I confessed to him I had a small crush on one of his close friends & in exchange he admitted his feelings for me. In the past I have felt that although I never acted on those feelings and they passed, it might've been a factor in our breakup. He gave me fluff reasons like "it's not the right time" and "I can't give you what you deserve" because I asked him to spend more time with me. We would hang out every 2-3 weeks and we're in the same place of work!!! Extremely frustrating. He also wasn't the best at communicating. Granted he had just got his 1st apartment, juggled work and class, and is only a sophomore in college but still, it sucked. He has started showing up to every event he knows I'll be at & hovering and staring all night, trying to use a mutual friend to drop hints (he's not over me, he made a mistake, he's not seeing anyone else, he's sad and confused), trying to get me to go to one of his house parties but never has the balls to invite me himself (so I always decline). Finally NYE he threw one and snap chatted me an invite. It caught me off guard completely. Our mutual friend was badgering me to go so I went, I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe more closure. But it was a tame night despite him being really drunk, pacing back and forth and acting weird to the point where our friend pointed it out, and he was constantly asking me if I was having a good time and making piercing eye contact, at which point I left without saying goodbye because I felt awkward. A couple days later I see him again after work at the bar me and my friends always go to. He usually doesn't come unless there's an actual event but this time he did. He stood so close to me when we got there and stared so hard even my friends were uncomfortable. He did make an effort to converse with me about random things but again we weren't alone. He always hugs me when he sees me or hugs me goodbye. My question is: how can I find out how he feels or what's going on without freaking him out? I can tell he wants to get something off his chest but we are never alone together and we don't communicate via text. He is very scared of communicating and just insecure in general. How can I find out his intentions so that we can have a shot at reconciliation or at least a real friendship again where there's not all this tension underlying everything? Please please help. Thank you so much

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Yeah, he wants to get back together, but he's afraid to ask especially since you're with someone else. You can let him squirm or you can talk to him. You can lead the conversation. You do have to get him alone somewhere. Maybe you can step away from your other friends at some point to talk to him. Ask him if he's trying to get back together with you. Of course, you should decide before you talk to him whether you want to get back together so you can either try it again or whether you want to tell him to give it up. I don't know what happened to break you guys up. If you were always fighting, or if he was jealous or abusive, you might not want to repeat that. But at least you can make a decision before you talk to him.

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Agree with Danzee* - It appears he is revisiting the idea of getting back together (something that many of us can only hope for) but as a male I will say he's going about it completely the wrong way lol

 

And as Danzee says, you really need to sit down with yourself and decide is it something you really want to pursue. Direction is good. Limboland is Hell..!

 

What has he changed since the breakup? What have YOU changed since the breakup?

 

Let us know what you think. Thanks for the sprinkling of hope. :)

 

Carus*

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Yeah, he wants to get back together, but he's afraid to ask especially since you're with someone else. You can let him squirm or you can talk to him. You can lead the conversation. You do have to get him alone somewhere. Maybe you can step away from your other friends at some point to talk to him. Ask him if he's trying to get back together with you. Of course, you should decide before you talk to him whether you want to get back together so you can either try it again or whether you want to tell him to give it up. I don't know what happened to break you guys up. If you were always fighting, or if he was jealous or abusive, you might not want to repeat that. But at least you can make a decision before you talk to him.

 

You're right, my pride has been holding me back from approaching him and taking the lead along with the uncertainty if he's really ready to compromise and make me a priority. I'm scared he wants to have me without doing the work that I'm willing to do to be with him. That would crush me. Our relationship was super easygoing and comfortable and he is genuinely a good person. There was no foul play that I know of or abuse

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Agree with Danzee* - It appears he is revisiting the idea of getting back together (something that many of us can only hope for) but as a male I will say he's going about it completely the wrong way lol

 

And as Danzee says, you really need to sit down with yourself and decide is it something you really want to pursue. Direction is good. Limboland is Hell..!

 

What has he changed since the breakup? What have YOU changed since the breakup?

 

Let us know what you think. Thanks for the sprinkling of hope. :)

 

Carus*

 

I guess I've been basing my decision about us on his actions. I feel like if he's willing to meet me halfway the 2nd time around he would be willing to meet me halfway with communicating that he really wants me back. Especially since he dumped me. But thank you so much everyone for your feedback. I feel much better knowing he is actually showing signs about wanting to reconcile and it's not just my wishful thinking

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Sounds like coworkers/friends not reconciliation. Try to move on romantically even if you remain friendly/cordial because you work together.

 

So a friend tells mutual friends they want me back? If it was a coworker situation he wouldn't have to seek me out as much as he does as we don't work in the same part of the building and we already ended on an amicable note. I do agree moving on romantically is in my best interest but I don't feel his intentions are that innocent

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He wasn't scared of communicating when he broke it off though, was he?

 

When you see him out again, I would simply ask him if there's something he would like to talk about. You can tell him you sense that he has something to say, and that you're open to listening. Let him fill in the blanks from there.

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Honestly I feel like he thought I was going to break it off first. I was so unhappy and felt so helpless towards the end of our relationship that I would stop answering his texts and went cold and distant towards him. The day before we broke up I confronted him about a female friend he was spending time with because I was feeling insecure and I think when I confronted him the next day about us he felt cornered. Everyone has been telling me to be upfront and just approach him but the fact that he's so nervous and reluctant to actually have an upfront conversation makes me hesitant. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or forced to talk to me but I am getting impatient and starting to think I should just cut my losses

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