Carus Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 For this discussion I'm going to use my own situation as an example. If you want the full details the thread is here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543562 Why You Won't Get Your Ex Back....Unless....* So there are many 'Get Your Ex Back' programs out there, and they are all basically preaching the same strategy minus a few slight differences... But the one thing I have not seen in any of them is: Luck..... That's right...Despite all you do, without that ingredient you will not get your ex back... Why do I say that? Let's take a look at my breakup which has essentially been going for about 4 months now: Here are the things that I applied to my breakup from Day 1: 1) I did not beg or plead once! 2) I did not agree to the breakup but I said I would respect her decision and took my leave. 3) In the following three months she kept coming to me and we were sleeping together at times. I did not initiate any of that at all. 4) When she cut contact all together I went straight into NC and never broke it. 5) During NC I did not sit around and set about improving my life, knowledge, body and mind. 6) SHE then broke it at Xmas and New Year at which point I set up a meeting at the beach. 6) At the meeting we had fun. I displayed confidence, looked good and basically did everything any of those programs suggest to do at the first meeting after NC. 7) Neither of us brought up the relationship or breakup. 8) As everyone has pointed out, she still cares about me and has some sort of love for me too..... This is basically the GYEB play book step by step.....So why is my ex not back in my arms? Luck.... Obviously despite all of that^, the Universe or God or Allah or whatever label you want to put on it just does not want it to happen..... I have seen people nuke their relationship into the ground, burn it and bury it and STILL get back together..... So you tell me.... Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I disagree that it's "luck". It depends on whether or not BOTH of the people want to get back together at the same time. My ex pursued me for FIVE years wanting me to give him a second chance. For 5 years I said no. Then one day, while I was feeling low because the guy I'd been dating was doing a slow fade, I finally said yes. And that was the worst decision ever. I should have stuck with "no". But it didn't happen when he wanted it to because I didn't want it. Nothing to do with luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I guess luck can be probably best translated to your ex also wanting to get back together, at least to some extent. That's why you'll see some cases when even though the person is doing everything wrong according to the "get back together rules" and it still works, and other cases when the opposite happens. I mean, even being rare, there are cases when the dumpee begs and pleads and it works. So this explains it all... That's why I like to live by the mantra "if it's meant to be, it will be". I find it VERY unlikely that an ex with strong feelings for you would reject the chance of revisiting the relationship in the future, unless there are other major factors in place. Also, Carus, your meet up happened like 2 days ago. You still don't know the outcome of this. If you really want this to work out, you'll probably need a bit more patience than that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 Thankyou for the replies so far.... I did think about it after I'd put that post up and yes I agree that despite all we do, if the other person does not want to get back together then it won't happen....even though some of those programs still advocate that you can still achieve it if this is the case.....I'm not sure I agree with that though..... But if you've been in NC and they do change their mind, is that 'Luck'...? BoltnRun* ~ I'm sorry it didn't work out with that guy, and I have to admire his tenacity...5 years! Wow! But it sounds like a big part of the reason it didn't work out is because he was too focused on chasing you rather than working on himself both externally and internally. If a relationship starts again there must be strong changes made.....And don't get me wrong, changes on that level can be extremely difficult because they are ingrained core issues... Also, Carus, your meet up happened like 2 days ago. You still don't know the outcome of this. If you really want this to work out, you'll probably need a bit more patience than that... Haha...Yes, I know..... The fact that I have had so many failed relationships and none of them came back feeds into my negative narrative on the subject. Besos Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 My ex only wanted me because he hated being rejected. There was absolutely no love there. And I am so happy we are no longer together. He was garbage the first time around and he was garbage the second time. Only my stupidity and desire to feel wanted again led me to accept him back. It will never happen again. I'm of the mindset that if "changes" are needed it's not the right relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 I'm of the mindset that if "changes" are needed it's not the right relationship. Hmm...Well people and circumstances do change over time and if we are unwilling to flow with that and grow, then chances are the relationship will stagnate and become an unhappy one....or end* I would say though that there has to be a limit on how many changes need to happen and it is unhealthy for some to feel they need to constantly be changing to please their partner.....In that case I would agree it is not the right person for you..... Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 On more reflection, yes this thread was borne somewhat out of my own frustration... But also to give people something to consider before they spend 100's of dollars on GYEB programs. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 You know what I think, Carus? Some relationships end and they get back together, even after "nuking it into the ground" because those relationships appear to have a common denominator- they just can't let go out of fear of the other moving on. Lots of insecurity comes into play. The more toxic a relationship is, the harder it seems for people to let go of. Why? Because the heart wants what it wants, and in general if it's a challenge, we want to win it, even if it's wrong. Who is supposed to work out? Those who had mutual love, respect, experiences that bonded them together emotionally, those who had long term commitments. That's what we are taught, right? However, these sometimes fail because we are able to realize that truly loving the other person might mean we do need to let them go. It's not so much luck, as it is having both partners be in the same place with their thoughts, needs, wants, and desires at the same exact time. For one, they might already be there, while the other needs a great deal more time to reach that point. It might mean each goes on to date others, however if it's meant to be, it will be. I've personally known five couples who've divorced, gone separate ways, and then remarried each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillstrand23 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 For this discussion I'm going to use my own situation as an example. If you want the full details the thread is here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543562 Why You Won't Get Your Ex Back....Unless....* So there are many 'Get Your Ex Back' programs out there, and they are all basically preaching the same strategy minus a few slight differences... But the one thing I have not seen in any of them is: Luck..... That's right...Despite all you do, without that ingredient you will not get your ex back... Why do I say that? Let's take a look at my breakup which has essentially been going for about 4 months now: Here are the things that I applied to my breakup from Day 1: 1) I did not beg or plead once! 2) I did not agree to the breakup but I said I would respect her decision and took my leave. 3) In the following three months she kept coming to me and we were sleeping together at times. I did not initiate any of that at all. 4) When she cut contact all together I went straight into NC and never broke it. 5) During NC I did not sit around and set about improving my life, knowledge, body and mind. 6) SHE then broke it at Xmas and New Year at which point I set up a meeting at the beach. 6) At the meeting we had fun. I displayed confidence, looked good and basically did everything any of those programs suggest to do at the first meeting after NC. 7) Neither of us brought up the relationship or breakup. 8) As everyone has pointed out, she still cares about me and has some sort of love for me too..... This is basically the GYEB play book step by step.....So why is my ex not back in my arms? Luck.... Obviously despite all of that^, the Universe or God or Allah or whatever label you want to put on it just does not want it to happen..... I have seen people nuke their relationship into the ground, burn it and bury it and STILL get back together..... So you tell me.... Thoughts? Are you superstitious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 Are you superstitious? Well, define 'superstitious'.... If you mean do I leave my life to luck then no... I take the actions needed to accomplish my goals... Unfortunately when it comes to an ex partner, you can do all the right actions or you can do all the wrong actions, or you can do a mixture of the two and still not get the results you want... Some things you just have to let go of... I wonder if I changed the wording of this post from 'luck' to 'fate' would that make any difference? Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I think fate gives the impression that our future is set and there's nothing we can do to change it. I think more of it in terms of the universe 'conspiring' pro or against. We have very little influence on what's happening around us. I've seen cases where quite some time after a break up, two peole bump into each other under unusual circumstances and the spark is created again and then get together soon. Or perhaps more importantly, it has also to do with your ex getting in a good relationship after you or not. If she doesn't, it obviously raises your chances. If she does and get married, for example, your chances go pretty much to 0. I think our biggest challenge post break up is to accept what is. The reality now is that you two are broken up and she doesn't wanna get together again. Could it change soon? Yes. Could it never change? Yes. It would be silly though to keep hope and live in the future. It's obviously easier said than done, but to deny the reality only makes us suffer much more. I'm struggling with this. It's been 4 months since my break up and she's not even talking to me. I still struggle to accept that it's all over and we will likely never talk again. But it is what it is. And I still have to deal with guilt of having ruined my chances of a reconciliation in the weeks after the break up. But again, it is what it is. Anyway, there are so many variables in the 'getting back together' thing... So many different cases and situations, some positive and most of them negative according to this site. It looks like the less we worry, the most likely it is to happen. Positive cases seem to be those in which the dumper and dumpee kind of forgot about each other for a while and then reassessed the situation later on. And this is consistent with Craig Kenneth and the psychology behind it. Humans are curious and they usually revisit the idea of the relationship at some point in the future (especially if they didn't find anyone better). Then it's a little bit about 'luck' if things happen the right way for a reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maew Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Well, define 'superstitious'.... If you mean do I leave my life to luck then no... I take the actions needed to accomplish my goals... Unfortunately when it comes to an ex partner, you can do all the right actions or you can do all the wrong actions, or you can do a mixture of the two and still not get the results you want... Some things you just have to let go of... I wonder if I changed the wording of this post from 'luck' to 'fate' would that make any difference? Carus* I know what you mean! I am very intrigued by different spiritual philosophies... one of them is that different people are put into our lives at different times for different reasons, usually to teach us something about ourselves. The problem with relationships is that each person has free will... so even though perhaps the universe sent us a person to be our soul mate, the other person can still have their own free will and decide they are not ready for what we have to offer them. It's the most frustrating thing when that happens but ultimately, if they are unwilling to meet us where we are at, then we need to let go and trust that there are other possibilities out there. I always tell myself in those situations that out of 7 billion people on the planet, there MUST be other people out there that would be better suited to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 Good Post Morello* Or perhaps more importantly, it has also to do with your ex getting in a good relationship after you or not. If she doesn't, it obviously raises your chances. If she does and get married, for example, your chances go pretty much to 0. Bingo...For whatever debate, this cannot be argued...^...and I'm sorry for those who were still hanging on as their ex got married.... It is also why I'm doing my best to let go asap....which leads into this: The reality now is that you two are broken up and she doesn't wanna get together again. Could it change soon? Yes. Well that would be lucky wouldn't it ;-) Funnily though, I wonder...IF my ex did come back soon I would think I was one of the lucky ones....However, if we then had to go through more torment and that 2nd breakup which people report can be even worse than the first time around, perhaps I would at that stage think perhaps I wasn't so 'lucky' after all..... It would be silly though to keep hope and live in the future. It's obviously easier said than done, but to deny the reality only makes us suffer much more. I'm struggling with this. It's been 4 months since my break up and she's not even talking to me. I still struggle to accept that it's all over and we will likely never talk again. But it is what it is. And I still have to deal with guilt of having ruined my chances of a reconciliation in the weeks after the break up. But again, it is what it is. Do you have a thread where you wrote about those weeks following your breakup, or was it basically similar to my fatal mess...? I'm still struggling too buddy to come to terms with it....But we have to believe that we will* Denying reality is a trick the brain does because the actual reality is too painful to deal with and we need to do the heavy lifting to work through it. Which is kinda ironic...The brain does that as a survival instinct but until we can move through it and come to accept, it actually just delays the healing.... Anyway, there are so many variables in the 'getting back together' thing... So many different cases and situations, some positive and most of them negative according to this site. It looks like the less we worry, the most likely it is to happen. Positive cases seem to be those in which the dumper and dumpee kind of forgot about each other for a while and then reassessed the situation later on. And this is consistent with Craig Kenneth and the psychology behind it. Humans are curious and they usually revisit the idea of the relationship at some point in the future (especially if they didn't find anyone better). Then it's a little bit about 'luck' if things happen the right way for a reconciliation. Thankyou.....I'm definitely a fan of CK and have watched nearly all of his videos, and even done two email coachings with him. But it brings us back to the topic of this thread....After making all the mistakes, and/or doing all we could, there comes a point where the only thing left is 'Luck' or 'Fate' or 'If it's meant to be then it will'....or whatever label you wanna put on it..... On a side note, BoltnRun said her ex 'pursued' her for 5 years....Granted it didn't work out because it sounds like he hadn't really changed much, but is THAT the way to get an ex back and NC is just a load of hooey...? But even with that, you would need a bit of luck to happen* Hi Maew* ~ Thanks for chiming in. The problem with relationships is that each person has free will... so even though perhaps the universe sent us a person to be our soul mate, the other person can still have their own free will and decide they are not ready for what we have to offer them. That's deep... I love it. If this were the case, the question would may be: Does the Universe, or God, or whatever your persuasion, actually get it wrong...? Ponder that...! It's the most frustrating thing when that happens but ultimately, if they are unwilling to meet us where we are at, then we need to let go and trust that there are other possibilities out there. I always tell myself in those situations that out of 7 billion people on the planet, there MUST be other people out there that would be better suited to me! Extremely frustrating and personally I'm having THE hardest time letting go.... But I agree with your philosophy....There's probably noone out there that I will have that same connection with, but there will be others who I can have A connection with* Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikey383 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Hey Carus... Have you ever watched STAR TREK? I love Mr. Spok..... And it is so true: " Humans are emotional " and therefore our emotions guide us beyond Logic.... If we were only logical like Volcans....Imagine how different things would be.... Only if we applied some logic.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Good Post Morello* Do you have a thread where you wrote about those weeks following your breakup, or was it basically similar to my fatal mess...? Carus* Thanks, Carus. I really like your posts too. And if I read correctly in one of your previous posts we both live in the same country :) I did open a couple of threads about my situation, but I truly think it's hopeless. And because it was such a short time, I don't even think it deserves too much analysis. I did post because regardless of being a very short relationship, the break up had (and is having) a huge effect on me. But I'm slowly recovering... In summary, I dated a work colleague for 2 months. The day we met, we both were really into each other. We kissed that same night. After that we were constantly going out for dates, meeting each other's friends, booking trips together (which she paid for and we never went), and I even met her parents twice. We had big events like her 30th birthday and a few house parties at mine. It was just too intense and too quick for both of us. We kept telling each other how we couldn't be away from each other, and started spending a lot of time together, etc. Holding hands while going out for lunch at work (she used to bring me lunch) and she made sure everyone knew about us, even our boss. Most of the 'relationship' stuff was her initiative. We were proud of each other and of our short and intense relationship. Sex was amazing and we both gave each other the best orgasms of our lives, many times (at least that's what we told each other). We might have spent too much time in bed though... In hindsight, each one of us was going too strong for our own individual reasons, and we both now know it was a mistake to go that intense. She had dumped a long term boyfriend about a year before, but he was still in the picture begging and depressed. She felt guilty about it and I think she was still not over that failed relationship. And she probably liked to feel like in a relationship again. There was some rebound behaviours, but I don't think that is a binary thing. She was over him, but not over the fact she spent 6 years with the wrong guy, so it plays a role in not having a relationship soon. I was in a difficult situation, moving to a new house after 3 years living with friends (I'm not from Australia), having trouble at work with too much pressure in my PhD and had a huge and challenging work trip coming ahead for a month. Missed family back home, etc. In summary, I was a mess and was leaning on her a bit too much maybe. She was leaning on me too much too, in perspective. I was not (and still ain't) in a safe position about my future in Australia either, whcih I think played a big role in her breaking up. Her ex was in a similar situation and the similarity obviously didn't help my case. She broke up and initially I reacted sad but didn't 'fight' it too much. She said she had doubts about being ready for a relationship and she freaked out about how fast it was going and needed space. Anyway, the usual. But then anxiety kicked in hard (due to my other problems as well) and I got in touch a week later asking to talk in person (we live close). She said she was busy and didn't know what else to say. She acted very cold. I tried to argue about the good things that we had and we would lose, to no avail. Still getting cold responses. Then I sent angry messages saying she didn't give a F about me and that our thing didn't mean anything to her while it did for me. Nothing disrespectful, but a bit out of control, needy, etc. Stuff Corey Wayne would be laughing about I know, classic mistake. She asked for space and space was the last thing I gave her. I apologised the next day but it was too late. She messaged me a few days later saying I made her scared and umcomfortable and although she was glad I apologised, she didn't wanna communicate again. I did send a more ellaborate apology a couple of weeks later 'blaming' my anxiety and acknowledging my mistakes, which she never responded. 2.5 months later (after I got back from my Europe work trip) we bumped into each other at work and she said "Hi XXXX" in a friendly way and I made another mistake of sending her a quick message asking how she was and how work was going. I thought the door was open again. She never responded. I still see her constantly, saw her from far her a couple of days ago. Saw her before Christmas in our work party and she was avoiding me, looking the other way, etc. This makes it hard... But I'm letting go. Slowly, but I am. Anyway, sorry to hijack your thread, it felt nice writing about it again from a new perspective. In relation to your topic, I did everything wrong after the break up, and considering it was a short lived relationship (more like a romance), I'm 99.9% convinced I will never hear from her again aside from a casual hi when she really needs to if we bump into each other at work again. But the reason I think she won't contact is not really due to my mistakes. It's probably more due to the fact it was more infatuation than anything else and the intensity of the first two months burned out pretty quickly. I think she never truly developed any feelings. Or if she did, the feelings dissipated as quickly as they grew. I did develop strong feelings, right at the end before the break up, which made it all harder for me than for her. She broke up almost at the exact time I was convinced I had strong feelings and started teeling close friends about. Harsh. If there were strong feelings from her side, she would have probably gotten in touch regardless of the mistakes I made. Humans are like that. But I don't think this is going to happen. It's been 4 months after the break up now. 3.5 months since I last got a message from her. Having said that, I am using that 0.01% of chance to use it as motivation to get better. I got much fitter (cycling, gym, running, etc), put my head together again for work 110%, started learning new things with the guitar, started reading a lot about self-growth, Budhism, started meditating, etc. Started valuing my friends and family more. I finally realised my anxiety can cause me real problems and started to study how I can overcome that. Budhism is giving me a lot of answers. I'm using the very slight chance of her coming back as an excuse to improve myself. If she comes back for a chat, I'll be proud of myself to talk about the better man I'm becoming. And she may even notice herself without need for stupid bragging from my part. If she doesn't (most likely), I'm making huge steps towards loving myself more and being in a good position for my next relationship. Win-win. PS: Sorry about the bible :) back to work now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 So, the ex I mentioned who pursued me for 5 years had girlfriends the entire time. He was just mad that I refused him. That's why he kept trying...not because he loved me so much. So please don't think his example is one to emulate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Hi Mikey* - That's fine. Glad it helped you to write it out. I will write back to you soon. BoltnRun - I agree. Your exs pursuit of you is not something I see recommended anywhere. But in the end, you guys did get back together for a time. So regardless of his reasons or other relationships, I'm just wondering on opinions on the difference between pursuing and NC if you really want to get an ex back... Perhaps it could have worked out if he had made some changes along the way, which it sounds like he didn't.... Pursuing versus NC/Fate.... Thoughts? Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 He was not interested in making changes. He was not interested in a fulfilling love relationship with me. He was interested in satisfying his ego and proving to himself that he could have me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Thanks BoltnRun*, I understand that, but you are still missing the point of my question.... Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying again Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I don't know if my case is an example to tell how to get ex back. He dumped me, I pursued him. I didn't do NC, I texted or called once a week. I went to meet him for some talking. He wanted to be friends and I said its OK. Maybe it is why we still talked and he didn't reject meeting me. We got back together in one month. We are together two and 9 months by then (three months ago). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I'm just trying to clarify that my ex was not a heartbroken "dumpee" who was just hoping for me to accept him back. The only reason his tactics "worked" is because he happened at one point to catch me when I was feeling bad because the man I'd been seeing was doing a slow fade. He was a bandaid. I made a very poor decision accepting him back because his reasons for wanting me back weren't out of love. I was trying to find a way to feel better about myself and I didn't look closely enough. You may find it interesting that for about 4 3/4 of the 5 years he pursued me (BTW, it wasn't a constant pursuit, he only tried when we happened to run into each other), I scoffed at him. I found him transparent and ridiculous. Now I once again find him transparent and ridiculous. Should have stuck with that assessment. As for what "works", there's no one answer. Some people break up expecting the other person to "prove" their love by pursuing and begging. Others are done when they're done and no amount of pursuit or "no contact" will change their minds. It's very individual. I personally would never waste 5 years (or 5 months) trying to convince someone to take me back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PICCOLLO Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 You followed everything to the letter but do you understand the concept of ‘no contact’? NC isnt really designed to get an ex back despite it being used as a carrot to do just that. Its designed to help you move on. With regards to getting back with an ex, Ive done it once. We didnt talk for three months. I then randomly messaged her about a TV show I couldnt remember the name of and it went from there. I still loved her but my motivation behind the message wasnt a subtle way to establish contact, it just happened. We broke up again a year later and I moved on to someone else...then she wanted me back. Go figure. Theres no silver bullet for reuniting and circumstances dictate most of it. The one thing I will say that matters is to avoid smothering them or being overtly desperate to get them back. Seems like the moment you show less interest, the keener they get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carus Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 Thankyou for your replies.... I'm glad you clarified that BoltnRun* ~ It seems a constant pursuit could indeed work but actually become a huge waste of our lives in the long run. Carus* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Hi Carus Are you dwelling on whether you should pursue your ex or maintain NC? I think pursuing someone who dumped us make us look unattractive and a bit of a 'loser'. The other person is not making any effort, why should you? Having to convince someone to like us or be with us sound terrible. She will not value you if you do, even if you end up getting back together. You'll end up in a place where you'll never know if she came back out of guilt, pity or not having a better option compared to if she really wanted to. If your ex knows where you stand - that you wanna get back together and work it out - I think this is effort enough from your part. But you know better about the specifics of your situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Morello, I agree. My ex's tactic only "worked" when I was in a bad place, feeling abandoned and disregarded. All those prior years I'd felt confident and assured. He "got" me back when I felt weak. Coupled with the fact that his motivation for wanting me back had nothing to do with love and we had a recipe for disaster. Never make decisions when you're in a bad place is my advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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