Jump to content

Introvert Boyfriend Won’t Let Me Tag Along


Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is a massive introvert, has some social anxiety issues and intimacy issues. These are all certainly problems within our relationship however we talk about them regularly (much to his dislike of talking about it).

 

My issue here today is something I’m not actually sure if I should be upset about. He is a professional skiier, and skiing is the most important thing in his life. I think during some rough patches in his life, skiing gave him some purpose & confidence and in a way it saved his life. He has 6 “major” races each year and team has quite a big following (mainly of family & friends) that come to the major races which are held over a long weekend. After their last major race, he called me and said he really wanted me to come to the next one (which would also be like a holiday, around 14 hour drive from home). I was estatic! He wants me to be part of the most important thing in his life, I was so excited.

 

As the race is getting closer, he hadnt mentioned me coming so I brought it up. At first he said that he wasn’t sure he wanted me to come as it’s a “boys weekend”. Completely untrue, and I know that so I called him out on it. He sort of kept coming up with different excuses that I knew were all lies until he finally said he was worried that me being there would affect his performance. When I asked why, he said that he’s worried we would get into an argument or something like that and affect his mood/performance. I was so offended! How could he think that I would bring any negativity with me when I know how important it is to him! He kept saying that he just really needs to be on his A game and he has never brought anybody with him to a major race. Being an introvert, he much prefers to do things by himself and he says this is one of them. He says he would rather not have me there & my support at the race because he has been doing so well the last year by himself with no support and is worried it might change things/jinx it/change the dynamic.

 

I know that a lot of other people that race bring their partners and family, but my boyfriend won’t bring me. They all get together and have drinks after the race & make a bit of a holiday out of it, and I just feel left out.

 

He says he really wants us to go away for a holiday together again soon, but just not to this race. He says I’m welcome to attend the smaller races and come support him then, but he wants to go to the major races by himself to make sure that he’s on his A game.

 

I feel pretty crappy about this, but part of me also kind of understands. I just don’t know if I should be upset about it or not. Do I just accept that this probably has more to do with HIM and how he best operates rather than anything that I personally do wrong? Or should he be trying to include me anyway?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get where your boyfriends coming from; when I compete or participate in events I don’t like having anyone there. In my mind I just get stupid, anxious and stop focusing on why I’m there (ie attention away from me and my sport and more “are they enjoying this? Are they bored? Do I look silly?”). Obviously all my OH would have to do is sit there and hang out/be bored for a bit, I realistically know he won’t mind and likes supporting me. But I just prefer him not there.

 

BUT he’s never asked to come or tag along. Or when he has I’ve explained to him it’s going to be alllll about the horses (my sport, competing and taking care of them between events, talking “horse” with others) and really nothing else...which I know he’s not going to enjoy.

 

If he did really want to come I’d of course love having him there, but if he tried to pull the focus away from the event I would be veeeery upset.

 

Are you big into skiing? What will you be doing while he’s prepping,competing, etc?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to date a semi-pro athlete who participated in a sport where if he lost focus for a split second, he could die. Literally.

 

Your boyfriend needs to focus. He could get seriously hurt if he wasn't paying 100% attention. He would not be able to pay ANY attention to you at these events.

 

Are you sure you wouldn't be upset if you did go and he spent zero time with you? If you wanted him to have meals with you, for example, and he had his meals with the team would that hurt your feelings?

 

Be honest. If you went and he spent no time with you and that would bother you, stay home. Find something fun to do with friends or family instead.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Eh, at first I wanted to call him a jerk, but now that I think about it, I get where he's coming from. If I'm at a work event and am really stressed about giving a speech or something, I don't want my partner tagging along or worrying about entertaining him, etc... So I can understand - this is like a job for him and he maybe just wants some space to mentally prepare to have a good performance. I think you should cut him some slack here. Maybe he will start inviting you along when the relationship is further in?

 

PS - What if you didn't room with him on the trip but traveled instead with his family? Would that be an option?

 

PPS - I read an article a while back about how many athletes don't have sex the night before a game (because it might decrease their testosterone levels or something like that). Or other athletes who do some other weird rituals (always wear the same pair of unwashed socks the entire season, etc....) Maybe he does something along those lines?

Edited by annie24
Link to post
Share on other sites

He has a rhythm. He is right. The races for.him are part of an internal expression, part of his support structure. That's not true for everyone. Also, an introvert will appreciate being alone to crawl into his head before and after. This is his alone time. He wants to share it with you, but only if he can plug you in at the end, say.

 

If you wanted to, you could go, watch, and find him after, or don't. After the season you could let him know you came to watch every one. But you can not do this if there is any risk at all of him being aware of it. And your relationship may not be serious enough to take that sort of license. And it may be that you never tell him. I mean, its risky.

 

In any event, he can not distract himself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I feel pretty crappy about this, but part of me also kind of understands. I just don’t know if I should be upset about it or not. Do I just accept that this probably has more to do with HIM and how he best operates rather than anything that I personally do wrong? Or should he be trying to include me anyway?

 

If you care about your relationship, don't push this. I understand that you feel left out. That's totally natural. But I think you should follow his lead, in this situation. For the sake of your relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
If you care about your relationship, don't push this. I understand that you feel left out. That's totally natural. But I think you should follow his lead, in this situation. For the sake of your relationship.

 

well said . better advice than mine.

 

its his turf. he owns it. its his risk, so his comfort governs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone for your advice. I agree that although I have every right to feel hurt/left out, I should understand that this is his thing and he has his own rhythm & just prefers to do it himself.

I spoke to him last night about it and apologised for the way I reacted, but after thinking about it, I understood. He seemed a little nervous/awkward during the conversation and didn’t say much other than, “That’s exactly it, that’s what I was trying to say the other day.” And then we pretty much dropped it.

I told him that of course I’ll still be supporting him, but just from home :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is this the same guy who claims to have "commitment issues stemming from childhood" and who wanted to take breaks every time these issues of going away together came up? Who diagnosed him with all these social maladies? It seems he's pulling the wool over your eyes with that but basically is just not as invested in this as you are. It's best not to nurse or mother him or speak for him as if he can not articulate his thoughts. Try not to let analysis-paralysis prevent you from seeing the forest for the trees.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It seems he's pulling the wool over your eyes with that but basically is just not as invested in this as you are. It's best not to nurse or mother him or speak for him as if he can not articulate his thoughts. Try not to let analysis-paralysis prevent you from seeing the forest for the trees.

 

What exactly do you mean by this? I've read it a few times and I'm still unsure of what you mean...

Link to post
Share on other sites
What exactly do you mean by this? I've read it a few times and I'm still unsure of what you mean...

 

i’ll Take a stab at it:

 

What you want and expect to develop with this man is not equal to what this man wants nor what he expects to develop with you.

 

It doesn’t matter why.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...